Ride On

by Stephen J. Martin

  But it wasn’t right. If it was going to be over, if he was going to let Susan go and get on with her life, he should do it properly. But he didn’t want to. He didn’t want it to be over and he didn’t want to let her get on with her life. He wanted to come off the stage and see her there waiting for him, to have her share the insanity with him and then to grab his hand so that they could run off and hide from it all together when it got too mental. Six months. If he just had six months to wrap everything up, the album, the tour, and get the whole thing moving. Twelve months tops. In a year he’d be able to give her so much more than he could now. But, Jesus, was she going to wait around for a year for him to get his shit together? What if … if …

  Bollocks to this. He had to call her.

  ‘Hello?’

  ‘Susan?’

  ‘Jimmy?!’

  ‘Yeah. How’s it …’

  ‘Hang on a second, Jimmy. Just … hang on, give me a second.’

  He could hear her hushing someone in the background, her hand on the mouthpiece making everything muffled. Who was there? Some bloke probably. A bottle of wine in one hand and a tin of smoked fucking salmon chunks in the other, the bastard.

  ‘Jimmy?’

  ‘Yeah. Still here.’

  ‘Sorry, it’s a bit loud here.’

  ‘Entertaining?’

  ‘Kind of. Amanda is heading off tomorrow. There’s a few people over.’

  Amanda had been out in Thailand with Susan on holidays when they’d met. Aesop had … well, he’d made sure that Jimmy had plenty of time alone with Susan.

  ‘Where’s she going?’

  ‘She’s just going off travelling she says. Doesn’t even know where. Said she’ll head to Paris first and see what happens. She hasn’t really had a great time of it recently, poor thing. They let her go in work, well she kind of quit, and she … she hasn’t really been herself for a while now. But I told you all that, didn’t I?’

  Jimmy didn’t remember.

  ‘Yeah, yeah,’ he said. ‘That’s tough.’

  ‘But anyway, how are things with you? It’s been a while.’

  Her voice was bringing it all back now. Thailand, Dublin, her laugh, the feel of her skin.

  ‘Three weeks and three days,’ said Jimmy.

  ‘Wow. You’re counting. I didn’t think …’

  ‘Susan, why didn’t you call?’

  Fuck it, this was hard enough without dancing around.

  ‘Jimmy, it’s … I’m … God, I wasn’t expecting you to call tonight. Jimmy, I’m … I …’ Big sigh. ‘I’m not enjoying this. Us. It’s too hard. We’re not even really a couple, are we? It’s not one thing, it’s not the other thing. I don’t want to get … to be the one who … it’s just hard Jimmy. And you never call. I know, I know, you’re busy. You’ve got so much you need to do. I know that. I mean, it’s great. It really is.’

  Jimmy was sitting right on the edge of one of the hard kitchen chairs; elbows on knees, hand on forehead and the phone jammed up against his face. He was rocking back and forth a little.

  ‘Susan, I’m … sorry.’

  ‘The last time I called you, you were in such a hurry to get off the phone. I felt like I was just in the way.’

  ‘It wasn’t like that Susan. I had a film crew costing a thousand quid an hour waiting to roll. There was a cranky make-up lady tapping her watch at me, and Aesop running around the TV studio in a towel and a Cradle of Filth t-shirt trying to find his lucky underpants. It was just bad timing.’

  ‘I know, Jimmy. You told me. But you never called me back.’

  ‘Well, you sounded pissed off. I thought I’d give you a bit of time to, y’know …’

  ‘How much time did you think I needed?’

  ‘I …’

  ‘Jimmy, I’m not sixteen any more, y’know? Going out with the lead singer in the band was all well and good when he was just on the posters on your bedroom wall and it wasn’t real. But this is different. Even when I was in Dublin, the way people kept coming up to you in the street, I felt like I was getting in the way. Like I was taking up time you should have been spending with them. I’d just kind of stand to one side and try not to look too much like some groupie you’d just picked up.’

  ‘Ah Jesus, Susan, it’s not like that. And it’s all new to me too, believe me. I still get surprised when it happens and then I don’t know what to say to them. I mean, this is Dublin, right? Half the time they just come up and go, “hey you, singer bloke, you think you’re fuckin’ great, don’t ye?” and then walk off.’

  She laughed. It was the sweetest sound he’d heard in weeks.

  ‘Susan …’

  ‘Jimmy listen to me. I told you before that not a lot of people can do what you can do. You have so much talent, God. I don’t want to be the one who stops you showing it off. You deserve everything you have now. You should enjoy it.’

  ‘But I’m not. It’s not like it was meant to be. There’s something … fucked up about it all. Something’s missing or something.’

  ‘What could be missing?’

  ‘I … I’m not sure.’

  Don’t fucking say it, Jimmy. It’s not fair. Don’t mess with her head like that. You’re either in or you’re fucking out. Where’s your balls? There was another pause. Then …

  ‘I saw the “Strut” video yesterday.’

  ‘Oh, did you? So, what did you think?’

  ‘It’s so weird to see you on the TV like that! You wouldn’t believe it. But, no, it’s really great! It’s a good change after “Caillte”. Shows that you’re versatile. Aesop smiles a lot when he’s playing the drums, doesn’t he?’

  ‘Depends on the song. You should have seen the head on him this morning when we played my latest masterpiece in the studio.’

  ‘You both looked great. Very sexy. I didn’t see the Japanese guy you were talking about though. Is he not coming back to play with you?’

  ‘Probably not. Maybe. He doesn’t know yet. It’d be great though, he’s a great bloke.’

  ‘Who were the girls?’

  ‘Who?’

  ‘The girls in the video.’

  ‘Oh, just some dancers. We hired them for the shoot. Probably another reason Aesop was smiling like that.’

  ‘And you?’

  ‘Nah. Not my scene.’

  ‘Jimmy?’

  ‘Yeah?’

  ‘It’s … I guess it’s kind of hard to sit all the way over here and wonder. I mean, I know what Aesop’s like. Amanda sent him a few emails, but I don’t think he replied. I can only imagine what you guys are getting up to, the things that are happening around you now.’

  ‘Susan, it’s not like that. I swear to God.’

  ‘Isn’t it?’

  ‘No! Well, maybe a little bit. I mean it’s there all right. Aesop is certainly enjoying himself. But I’ve known him since school and, believe me, he’s been living this life since he was about thirteen. The only difference is that he doesn’t have to borrow money off me all the time now. He’s the rockstar. I’m just a musician, same as I always was. And I don’t get caught up in all that shite. It’s a bit distracting to be honest. I’m too busy. And anyway it’s embarrassing.’

  ‘Jimmy, be a rockstar.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Go and be a rockstar. Please. It’d make me happy to know that everything you’ve worked for all these years is paying off. Live the life and see what you think. You’ll only get one chance to do it, right?’

  ‘Susan, I don’t want that.’

  ‘Well … what do you want?’

  Fuck it, he was walking straight into these.

  ‘I … just want it to really get going so I can … y’know …’

  He heard her sigh.

  ‘Jimmy, Amanda’s heading off tomorrow. I don’t know when she’ll be back and I need to spend a bit of time with her before she goes. She really hasn’t been herself. I should go.’

  ‘Susan … can I call you?’

  ‘Of course. Hey,
you owe me a song, remember?’

  ‘I do remember.’

  ‘Any progress?’

  ‘Well …’

  ‘Too busy I guess, right?’

  ‘Ah Susan, it’s not like that … I just have all this …’

  ‘I’m only joking Jimmy. Look, I need to go.’

  ‘I’ll call you. Soon.’

  ‘Do if you like.’

  ‘I will.’

  ‘I mean it Jimmy. Call me because you want to. Not because you think you should. Okay?’

  ‘Yeah. Sure. But of course I want to. I want to talk to you properly. Not like this. I need … I mean I want to …’

  Susan laughed again.

  ‘Jimmy, I don’t think you know what you want right now.’

  ‘Susan …’

  ‘Seeya Jimmy. Take care of yourself. And, hey, give me a wave from your next video. That’d be cool.’

  She hung up.

  He sat up straight and felt the sweat trickle down his back. His hands and the phone were slimey and hot. Susan was nobody’s fucking idiot. She was afraid of the very same thing that Jimmy was. That he’d drift away from her, that he’d let the circus he was part of now pack up and leave her behind. He wanted so much to promise her that it wouldn’t happen. But how the fuck could he do that? It was getting so big now that he felt like he was just one of the clowns.

  *

  Norman met Trish out in The Yacht in Clontarf. A few pints, a bit of dinner and a couple of pints, and then a few quick pints before they walked back along the coast as far as Fairview, where he stopped a taxi for her and held her hand as she sat into it. His heart was going nineteen to the dozen as she sat there looking up at him. He had no clue what she wanted to happen next, but he wasn’t about to risk making a balls of the whole thing by opening his gob and so he just smiled at her and then cleared his throat.

  ‘So … would it be okay if I called you again, Trish? I had a great night tonight.’

  ‘Will you not be out in Baldoyle?’

  ‘Ah, I’m pretty much done out there. I will be anyway by the time you get back next week.’

  ‘Ah, that’s a shame. What about our poor roses?’

  ‘Sure, it was only a small job. They’ll be grand for another while. So …’

  ‘Give me a call next week. I’ll be working but I should be able to get off again on Friday night. They’re usually cool with the country girls getting home for the weekend if they can.’

  ‘So you’ll be going back to Kerry?’

  She grinned up at him from the back of the taxi.

  ‘Well … that might be up to you.’

  His belly did a flip and then they heard another voice muttering.

  ‘Fuck sake …’

  It was the taxi man.

  ‘Maybe you want to turn on your radio there?’ said Norman, leaning down.

  ‘It’s broke. Go on. Pretend I’m not here. I’ve heard worse in annyway. I’ll start whistling if it gets too painful.’

  Norman turned back to Trish.

  ‘So, maybe we can go for a meal next Friday? A proper one.’

  ‘I’d love to.’

  Norman suddenly put his hands on his face.

  ‘Oh no! Fuck!’

  ‘Jesus. What? What is it?’

  ‘Oh God, sorry Trish. I just remembered I’m going to a gig next Friday. Feck it anyway. Unless … do you like music? Would that be okay instead?’

  ‘Is that all? Christ, I didn’t know what was wrong with you.’

  ‘I just remembered. But what do you think? Would you be on for a bit of live music?’

  ‘Of course I would. Who is it?’

  ‘The Grove. You know them?’

  ‘Of course, yeah. But are they not over in England or something? Didn’t I read that?’

  ‘Not for a while yet. They’re playing in Vicar Street next week. Will you go with me?’

  ‘Do you have a spare ticket?’

  ‘I … eh … I know a fella can get me one.’

  The taxi man stopped whistling.

  ‘Can he get me one?’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Can he get me one? My mot is mad into that shower. That Irish song they do, y’know? She’s always singing along to it on the radio. She was trying to get tickets to that gig but they were all gone. You should’ve seen the pus on her. It used to be Robbie this and Robbie that, but now she never shuts up about yer man Aesop. Some shaper, that bloke.’

  ‘Eh …’

  ‘I’ll bring you and your bird home for no fare. Where are yiz going?’

  ‘I … what? She’s not my …’

  ‘Can you get two tickets?’

  ‘I don’t know if I …’

  ‘Look, sit in there in annyway. I’ll give you me phone number and if you can do anything you give me a call. If you can’t, then no sweat. Right? Now where am I going?’

  Norman didn’t know what to say, but Trish moved along the seat, laughing. He sighed and got in.

  ‘That’s it, you do what your bird says,’ said the taxi man.

  ‘She’s not my … bird,’ said Norman.

  The taxi man looked in his rearview mirror at Trish and then turned around to Norman again.

  ‘Well you better get your fuckin’ skates on pal, before she’s someone else’s bird.’

  Trish looked up at Norman with a big grin and put one hand on his leg. Norman caught a wink in the mirror from his new ally and just closed his eyes, his face burning in the dark.

  Chapter Three

  Aesop and Jimmy met up for breakfast two days later. They didn’t usually bother hooking up outside the studio so early in the day, but today was going to be, hopefully, a landmark day for The Grove. There was still some mixing and tidying up to do, but they were going in to cut the last song. The album was pretty much done.

  Jimmy sat opposite Aesop, half a fried tomato en route to his mouth.

  ‘Who?’ said Aesop, frowning into the distance.

  ‘Jesus Christ,’ said Jimmy, putting down his fork and shaking his head. He looked up. ‘Do I have to go through this every fucking time? Amanda! The girl you rode in Thailand, Aesop. English. Green eyes. Freckles. Friend of Susan, the girl I’ve been going mad over for the last six months, who came to visit me from London and got Peggy all excited because she brought a scarf from Harrods …’

  ‘Amanda … Amanda …’ said Aesop, tapping the table in front of him. ‘Was she the one whose husband pissed off and took the car? A nice one too, wasn’t it? A GT-R or something. Jimmy, that’s got a steel turbine, ball bearing core, eighteen-inch …’

  ‘She wasn’t married. They were engaged. But yeah, he took some dosh and did a runner. I don’t know anything about a GT-R.’

  ‘I think she said it was blue. Did she not say it was blue?’

  ‘Fuck the car Aesop. Do you remember her? It’s not even a year ago.’

  ‘I do yeah. I think so. So what about her?’

  ‘She’s gone … she … ah, it doesn’t matter.’

  ‘No, tell me.’

  ‘What’s the point if you don’t remember her?’

  ‘You were going to tell me, so just tell me.’

  ‘She’s gone off travelling. I was talking to Susan the other day and Amanda is gone off travelling because she was let go out of work and I think she’s still upset about yer man legging it. So Susan said she’s gone off on a trip to get her head together or something. That’s it.’

  ‘She’s gone travelling.’

  ‘Yeah.’

  ‘Ah that’s nice. Great. So … eh … so, where’s she off to then?’

  ‘You have no fucking idea who I’m talking about, do you?’

  ‘I’m trying me best Jimmy for fuck sake. I remember the car.’

  ‘You never even saw the car! If there was one. Christ. Forget about it. It doesn’t matter.’

  Aesop relaxed and took up his coffee. Thank fuck that was over. Jimmy got all excited sometimes and Aesop would have to weather the storm till
he got it out of his system and calmed down. Anyway, how are you meant to remember every single girl in the world you ever met or talked to or rode?

  ‘So what were Dónal’s new band like,’ he said. ‘What are they called? Feet?’

  ‘Leet. Yeah, they’re pretty good actually. Y’know who they reminded me of? The Stranglers. Take something like The Killers, right? Add a big keyboard sound like The Doors and a bit of ska. They sound like that. Y’know what I mean?’

  Aesop had his face scrunched up.

  ‘The Killers, Stranglers and the Doors. And ska.’

  ‘Yeah.’

  ‘I’ll have to take your word for it Jimmy, at this hour of the morning. The Stranglers were fucking deadly, but.’

  ‘Add more Killers.’

  ‘Not Coldplay though?’

  ‘No. I don’t know where Dónal got that from. They’re not whingy like that.’

  ‘Thank fuck.’

  ‘Anyway, they’re good. Catchy. Man, they’ve got some tunes.’

  ‘Do they know a bass player?’

  ‘Ah shite. Forgot to ask them. I’ll ask them the next time. So c’mere, did you find anything when you were out shopping for your new den of iniquity yesterday?’

  ‘Nah. Actually, I went to the zoo instead.’

  ‘Dublin Zoo?’

  ‘No, Jimmy. One of our many other zoos.’

  ‘But what was in the zoo?’

  ‘Monkeys. Well, buff-cheeked gibbons.’

  Jimmy just looked at him and said nothing.

  ‘Y’see, I read in the paper last week that one of them had a baby about two months ago and that this week would be the first week it’d be on display.’

  ‘So … what, you brought Phil’s kids?’

  ‘No. They have football on Saturdays, sure. I just went on me own.’

  ‘What? Why for fuck sake?’

  ‘Man, monkeys are brilliant. Them fuckers make me laugh. The buff-cheeked gibbons don’t use their legs. They just swing out of trees, the cages, ropes. Like Tarzan, y’know? It’s amazing. They lash around the place, just swinging from arm to arm, and they never fall. The speed of them. And the baby, his name’s Jai, was hanging onto his mammy for dear life and her pissing around the cage being chased by the daddy. I think he was after some sweet monkey love, but she was probably still sore from Jai and she wasn’t having any of it. He ended up giving Jai a smack on the head and then went off into a corner to sulk. It was brilliant. You should see them.’