Ride On

by Stephen J. Martin

  ‘They don’t look like …’

  ‘Y’see? If they wanted to go for people that looked like blokes, they’d just go for blokes, wouldn’t they? And then they wouldn’t be lesbians. Plus, they’d get the bonus of having someone with a lad. Something they can actually use, like.’

  ‘Maybe they don’t want a lad. Maybe they like …’

  ‘But do you see my point, Jimmy?’

  ‘You don’t have a point Aesop. You’re a fucking eejit who thinks porn is real life. Now will you please …’

  ‘Admit it Jimmy. I’m right.’

  Jimmy sighed.

  ‘Aesop, I don’t know everything about lesbians, but …’

  ‘Ah-ha! Backing down now! Captain fuckin’ Lesbian you were a minute ago, weren’t you?’

  ‘Whatever! I don’t care, Aesop. I’m just saying that lesbians tend to go for a certain look and it’s not a very flouncy one. Now shut your bollocks about them. Right. Tell me.’

  ‘Tell you what?’

  ‘Why were the fuckin’ police here?’

  ‘Ah right. Well it started last week. Wednesday. Someone kept ringing the door and then legging it. They were at it for about an hour. Eventually I just stood at the door having a smoke for a bit and when I went back inside it stopped.’

  ‘Maybe it was just kids doing nick-nacks.’

  ‘Yeah, that’s what I thought. But a couple of days later when I got up, the fuckers were after stuffing all these dead flowers in through the letterbox.’

  ‘They what? For fuck sake!’

  ‘Yeah. I never did that when I was doing nick-nacks. What the fuck, y’know? It was a bit freaky. Anyway, I still thought it was just some youngfellas messing, so I kind of forgot about it. Then on Saturday night I came in from the pub and the geebags were after drawing a loveheart on the door with a bleedin’ felt-tip marker. And it had an “A” on one side and a “P” on the other. Oh, and more bleedin’ flowers in the hall.’

  ‘That’s not young fellas Aesop. That’s a bird.’

  ‘Do you think so, Sherlock?’

  Jimmy turned his head a bit, frowning.

  ‘Paula … Penny … Peggy … Ma? No, fuck, she likes him …’

  ‘A bit pointless trying to narrow it down by name Jimmy, y’know? Remember poor Garda Ní Mhurchú’s dilemma?’

  ‘What? Oh, yeah. See what happens now? See what happens when you’re a trollop? And you … but why didn’t you tell me this was going on, you spa?’

  ‘What? Sure you’d only bleedin’ laugh at me for scoring with a psycho.’

  ‘I wouldn’t Aesop. Jesus, this is serious, this is. Some mad one is stalking you!’

  ‘It gets better.’

  ‘Christ. What happened then?’

  ‘The gaff was broken into last night.’

  ‘Fuck! What did she take?’

  ‘Nothing. Well, there wasn’t much to take was there? She didn’t even like me new curtains. But a few bits and pieces were knocked over and she left a letter. Well, it was kind of like the page of a diary.’

  ‘What did it say?’

  ‘I gave it to the cops before you got here. But basically it was saying that she loved me and she’s looking forward to us being together. Eh … permanently. More lovehearts on the letter, y’know? Like the door.’

  ‘Fuckin’ hell! I’m getting the heebie-jeebies here, Aesop. What did she mean by that? Permanently. Is that … does she mean … y’know …’

  ‘Don’t know. Sounds a bit like it though, doesn’t it? So I called Dónal this morning and he called the cops and told them to come in here.’

  Jimmy stood up and walked around the room.

  ‘That’s fucking terrible! Jesus, what are we going to do?’

  ‘It’s okay Jimmy,’ said Dónal, standing up too. ‘We’re working on it. I’ve had a little bit of experience with this type of thing. I know it looks bad but, really, it’s not all that uncommon. Sometimes people see their heroes on the telly and if they’re a bit fucked in the head they can get … obsessive.’

  ‘But for fuck sake, Dónal … she threatened to kill him!’

  ‘I know, I know. Well … she didn’t technically say that, right? It’s … it’s probably not that bad. The cops will find her and she’ll just turn out to be some girl with a bit of a problem. Depression or something. Last time I remember it happening, they just got her some therapy and she was grand. She was having problems herself and didn’t realise the harm she was doing.’

  ‘Ah Jesus … I don’t know, man …’

  ‘Jimmy, it’ll be fine,’ said Aesop.

  ‘How come you’re so fucking calm?’

  ‘I’m sure it’s just like Dónal said. It’ll be grand. C’mon man, what’s the chances of me getting bumped off by some mad bird?’

  ‘Aesop, these things do happen! Look at Lennon.’

  ‘Lennon was a god, Jimmy. Who the fuck am I?’

  ‘Yeah, but it doesn’t matter that we all know you’re a total fucking eejit who isn’t worth a wank Aesop, does it?’

  ‘Well Jesus, thanks for the boost there Jimmy. Fuck sake …’

  ‘The point is Aesop, you don’t know what goes on in these mad fuckers’ heads. It could be a religious thing or anything. There’s loads of that shite about. Maybe she thinks you’re the second coming of Christ for fuck sake.’

  ‘Well then she wouldn’t want to kill me, would she? She’d be coming around with buns and stuff. Bringing me children to kiss and all, y’know?’

  ‘That’s … it’s … I don’t know. I’m just saying you need to be careful. Really. I know you like to go through life like it’s all a big fucking laugh, but … Dónal, tell him will you?’

  ‘Well, he’s right about being careful Aesop. The Guards said that too.’

  ‘I’m always careful.’

  ‘You fucking are not, Aesop! You stop and chat to everyone on the street that comes up to you. You shag your way around the city without even knowing who these girls are.’

  ‘If they come from good families, like?’

  ‘I’m serious Aesop. You need to keep a low profile for a bit. What did the cops say?’

  ‘They said they’ll get back to me when they have any news. And they’re coming out to the gaff this afternoon to have a look.’

  ‘Is that all?’

  ‘Well, they said they didn’t have much to go on. Apparently, she said, they’ll have to cast a wider net than they were hoping. Look, it’s grand. Will you stop worrying? That’s why I called Dónal, sure. I knew you’d only get your knickers in a twist like a big girl. And listen, don’t say anything to Jennifer about this, right? She’s as bad as you.’

  ‘Well … but … I mean, Jennifer’s been in your gaff Aesop. For the curtains and all that. What happens if the nutter comes back when she’s there and thinks Jennifer is your bird or something? Y’know? Aesop, this is not a small thing. You’re the one who’s always watching telly, aren’t you?’

  For the first time, Aesop didn’t say anything.

  ‘Maybe you should move in with Jimmy for a bit?’ said Dónal.

  ‘Yeah. Come on. Tonight. Pack a bag and you can come over tonight.’

  ‘Ah, will you stop. It’s not that bad!’

  ‘It fucking is!’

  ‘I’m not moving in with you, Jimmy. That’s just stupid. And I like living in town. I’ll just tell Jennifer the place was broken into and I had to change the locks. She won’t be able to call over unless I’m there. And I’ll tell her to come with Marco. He’s got a black belt and all, right? Actually, I’m not sure I even locked the gaff last night. Maybe that’s how she got in?’

  They all looked at each other for a bit. Then Jimmy rubbed his face and turned to Aesop again.

  ‘Look, just be careful okay? Keep your head down till the cops find her. This is serious.’

  ‘Ah I know. It’ll be okay. All right? Can we all just unclench a little bit here? Garda Ní Mhurchú is probably down the cop shop right now, reading her tea l
eaves. They’ll find her.’

  ‘But you’re not to …’

  ‘I won’t try and score for a few nights, okay? Keep me head down. And I’ll keep an eye out for anything weird. What else am I meant to do? Lock meself in the jacks for the next two weeks, for fuck sake? It’ll be okay, right? Look, fuck this, I’m going to head into the zoo. Does anyone want to come?’

  They all looked at him but didn’t say anything.

  ‘Right. I’ll give yiz a call later.’

  He stood up and went to get his coat.

  Jimmy turned to Dónal.

  ‘He has to be careful.’

  ‘I know. He will.’

  ‘I don’t know if he’s taking this seriously, man. Y’know … Lennon, Dimebag …’

  ‘I know Jimmy. He knows too. He is taking it seriously. Listen, if anything else happens, I’ll look into getting some kind of security. I think I have a few numbers.’

  ‘Will you? That’d be good Dónal. Because he is always getting into trouble. He doesn’t give a fuck what he says. To big fuckers and everything. It’s all a giggle, I swear. Sometimes I wonder how he ever made it to adulthood at all.’

  ‘I’m telling you, Jimmy. He knows it’s serious. He won’t mess about.’

  Aesop passed them by again with a wave and opened the door to go out. He looked down into the hall and stopped.

  ‘Hey, did anyone leave a dead fish out here?’

  Then he broke his bollocks laughing and went out, slamming the door behind him.

  Jimmy put his head in his hands before looking up.

  ‘I’d start looking up those numbers Dónal.’

  *

  Later in the pub, Aesop was a bit quiet.

  ‘Thinking about your mad little friend?’ said Jimmy.

  ‘Nah. Actually Jimmy, I was just thinking about some of the things I said to Garda Ní Mhurchú when I thought she was a bloke. They weren’t really … proper. Were they?’

  ‘No, Aesop, they weren’t.’

  ‘I feel a bit bad.’

  ‘Good.’

  ‘I feel like I should give her a bell to apologise or something. You don’t talk like that to women. She looked a bit upset when she was leaving.’

  ‘But probably thankful that she’s a lesbian. How are you going to apologise?’

  ‘I’ll just tell her what happened.’

  ‘Well, that’ll make her feel better, won’t it? What are you going to say? “I’m very sorry Garda Ní Mhurchú but I thought you were a bloke, the head on you.”’

  ‘Or I could make something up?’

  ‘Ah, just leave her alone. I’m sure she doesn’t give a fuck what you think. She was probably only upset because now she has to interview every bird in Dublin.’

  ‘And a few in Tokyo as well. Remember that little thing I was riding?’

  ‘Yuki-chan.’

  ‘Is that her? She looked like she might go off the deep end a bit, didn’t she? Remember we got ambushed in your gaff that time?’

  ‘She’s in Japan. I can’t see her coming all the way over here just to start stalking you.’

  ‘I don’t know. I can have a strange effect on women Jimmy.’

  ‘I know Aesop. Garda Ní Mhurchú probably spent the afternoon scrubbing herself in the shower.’

  ‘You still think she’s a lesbian?’

  ‘I don’t know what she’s into Aesop. I’m just saying, lesbians sometimes look a bit like that. Short hair, a bit stocky, no nonsense …’

  ‘Man, you really need to get yourself some new porn …’

  Chapter Six

  Aesop came home from the zoo a few days later with a shopping bag of milk, bread and eight tins of beans. Now that he was at home he was a bit uneasy. The door was definitely locked this time because he’d checked it twice before heading out. He put down the bag and gave it a push. Still locked. He opened it and went inside, walking slowly to the kitchen. There wasn’t a sound. He did a quick tour of the whole gaff, opening doors and sticking his head around them before walking into the rooms. Everything was fine. Well, the bedroom needed a bit of airing, but that was nothing new. He’d been eating a lot of beans since he moved in on his own. Still though. Fuck it, this was a load of bollocks. Creeping around your own pad because you’re worried that some mad slapper is going to jump out from under the bed and start screaming and slashing away at your mickey with a big knife or something, just because she doesn’t approve of your lifestyle choices.

  He made himself some beans on toast and turned on the telly to watch Eastenders. When it was over and Aesop had finished picking beans off his t-shirt and putting them in his mouth, he sat and pushed the buttons on his remote for about ten minutes. Nothing but shite. He’d normally be calling Norman or Jimmy or Marco to go for a scoop around about now, but he’d promised Jimmy that he’d keep his head down for a while. Probably a good thing anyway. If he went for a pint, there was a good chance he’d score and the quality of the riding had really gone way down since he’d become famous. It was a bit of a bummer. One girl even tried to pretend that she didn’t know who he was, but Aesop wasn’t stupid. The big delighted head on her. He hated that. Aesop’s philosophies on the equality of the sexes weren’t particularly well developed in his mind but, when he was with a girl, he knew what felt right and what didn’t; and this kind of awe felt wrong. Well, it was fine afterwards, obviously. Expected and appreciated, even. He dropped his plate into the sink and flicked on the kettle for a cup of tea. Yeah, a little bit of awe was all right. But you had to earn it for fuck sake or you were only codding yourself.

  The doorbell rang and Aesop froze.

  What the fuck? After last week, he hadn’t had a single unannounced caller. Come to think of it, who came up to your door these days without ringing first to make sure you were at home? No one did. It just wasn’t the done thing any more. Everyone called. He looked around the kitchen for a weapon. There was nothing. He didn’t even have a decent knife because he didn’t cook. All he had was a plate, a knife and fork for eating, two cups – one spare in case he was entertaining – and a teaspoon. The doorbell rang again and he swallowed. He picked up the fork, still covered in tomato sauce but probably sharper than the knife, and started down the hall with it gripped tightly in his hand. At the door he peaked through the peephole quickly and then pulled his head back because of something he remembered from an old Jean Reno movie involving a bullet and an eyeball. It was a bird out there. Oh fuck.

  He couldn’t tell who she was though. She was all wrapped up in a scarf and hat. Too tall for Jennifer. Aesop took another quick goosey through the peephole. She’d turned around now and was facing out into the courtyard. There was no chain on the door. He’d meant to get one, but kept forgetting. First thing tomorrow, assuming this one didn’t murder him first.

  ‘Who is it?’ he said, one hand on the doorknob and the other brandishing the fork. He was standing up against the wall now, in case she tried to shoot him through the door.

  ‘Hi Aesop,’ said a voice. ‘Sorry for bothering you. It’s Trish. I left something behind when I was here before.’

  Aesop’s mind raced, filtering through all the names of girls he knew … Jennifer … Jennifer’s friends … Jimmy’s Mam … no Trish’s there. He was out of names. He must have rode this bird.

  ‘Trish?’

  ‘Yeah. I was with Norman. We met at Vicar Street?’

  Ah right. Thank fuck. Norman’s bird. Yeah, he’d talked to her after the gig. This was the one Norman threatened to kick his bollocks over if he wasn’t nice to her, so he’d laid on the good stuff and then backed off to leave her wandering through whatever dreamy fantasies he’d conjured up, so that by the time she got hold of Norman later she’d ride the lad off him. Okay. Grand. So what the fuck was she doing here? Did she get the wrong idea that night? Did the mad cow think he’d ever, in a million years, shag Norman’s girlfriend? Besides the fact that he wouldn’t do something like that anyway, had she not seen the size of the fucker? There was
n’t a deathwish-driven nutcase in Dublin would go near her now. Someone should tell her.

  He opened the door and looked around and past her before looking at her.

  ‘Howya.’

  ‘Hi. I’m very sorry for not calling. I didn’t have your number.’

  ‘Oh right. Yeah. Norman has it.’

  ‘Yeah. I know. But he said he was having an early night tonight and I didn’t want to wake him. He’s working early this week.’

  ‘Eh. Okay. So …’

  She looked behind her and then turned around again to Aesop.

  ‘I’m sorry, do you mind if I come in?’

  ‘No. Not at all,’ said Aesop. ‘Come on in.’

  He did mind as it happened. He’d enough on his plate these days without Norman hunting him down too and fucking skinning him like a rabbit.

  She saw the fork.

  ‘Oh God, I’m sorry. I’m interrupting your dinner.’

  ‘It’s grand. I was just finished.’

  ‘Have something nice?’

  ‘Yeah. Well, beans on toast.’

  She laughed.

  ‘You’re such a boy.’

  ‘Yeah. Thanks. So … you forgot something?’

  ‘Yeah. I left a chain upstairs. I kept meaning to get it.’

  ‘Ah. Right. Well, go on up and get it so.’

  ‘Do you mind? I’m on my way to work, so I just thought I’d drop by to see if you were in. I was here last week too, but there was no answer.’

  ‘Sorry about that. You should have gotten Norman to get it off me.’

  ‘Yeah, I know. I kept forgetting. I’ll just pop up and get it?’

  ‘No problem.’

  He shut the door to stop letting the heat out as she ran up the stairs. He watched her go up and then started down to the kitchen again to lose the bloody fork. He was pouring water onto his teabag when he heard her coming back up the hall.

  ‘Found it! It was on the floor next to the bed. Lucky. It could easily have disappeared up the hoover.’

  ‘That’d be fairly unlikely,’ said Aesop, without looking around. He glanced up and saw her looking at his teacup.