Ride On

by Stephen J. Martin

  ‘She’s with me!’

  ‘I know! And she’s great. I’m happy for you. But with everything that’s going on and all, I wasn’t really thinking properly. And when she said I was dirty …’

  ‘Dirty?’

  ‘Yeah. Like Colin Farrell, y’know?’

  ‘What are you on about?’

  ‘Nothing. Nothing. I fucked up Norman. I’m sorry. Are you sure she’s okay?’

  ‘She’s fine. Now. She was in a right state when she called me though, you muppet.’

  ‘I know. Christ. What must she think of me …’

  ‘You don’t want to know.’

  They all looked at the floor.

  ‘Fuck sake,’ said Norman, shaking his head.

  The others nodded.

  ‘And all this stalker shite started last week?’

  ‘Wednesday,’ said Jimmy.

  ‘Over this clown?’

  ‘Yeah.’

  ‘Fuck sake.’

  ‘Yeah.’

  ‘Do the police know?’

  ‘Yeah.’

  ‘What did they say?’

  ‘They’re looking into it. We’ve to be careful in the meantime.’

  Norman nodded.

  ‘Keep yourselves armed and ready, is it? With cold tea. Christ, that’ll do the job all right.’

  ‘Well I didn’t have a pillow handy,’ muttered Aesop.

  ‘So what now?’ said Norman.

  ‘What?’ said Jimmy.

  ‘You need to call someone. If there is someone out there looking to slice up this bollocks, you’ll need to get some close protection.’

  ‘Close protection?’

  ‘Security. A bodyguard.’

  ‘Dónal said he might know someone. We were going to wait to see if she stopped though. Now that the coppers are involved, like.’

  ‘No,’ said Norman. ‘That’s no good. You need to hire someone now. Tomorrow. The police could take weeks finding this one, or they might never find her. You need someone keeping an eye on you. Obviously. Look what happens when you try to do it yourself. Jesus …’

  ‘I’ll talk to Dónal tomorrow,’ said Jimmy.

  ‘I’ll talk to him. I know a few people. Specialists. What’s his number there?’

  Norman took it down and stood up.

  ‘Right. I’m going home to bed. Are you staying here tonight Aesop?’

  ‘Yeah.’

  ‘Okay. And you’re sure you’ll be able to make it till the morning on your own?’

  ‘I’m grand.’

  ‘You’re not going to attack Jimmy here if he has to go to the jacks during the night?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘Right then.’ He started towards the door. ‘Well, thanks for all that anyway. I only know the girl a few weeks and I’ve already had her hysterical on the phone. That must be a record.’

  ‘Sorry man.’

  ‘Didn’t I tell you that I liked her? Didn’t I? Be nice to her, I said. And then you have to go and give her a fucking heart attack like that and destroy her dress.’

  Aesop nodded.

  ‘Will you tell her I said sorry?’

  ‘I will. And you’ll be telling her too when you see her and explain yourself. You can leave out the part about thinking she wanted to have sex with you.’

  ‘Right. I won’t mention it so.’

  ‘I’ll talk to yiz tomorrow.’

  ‘Right,’ said Jimmy. ‘And thanks for coming over. Sorting it out, y’know?’

  Norman nodded and walked out.

  Jimmy went back in to Aesop and found him staring at his hands on his lap. He sighed and sat down next to him. He checked the clock on the DVD player.

  ‘Will I put the kettle on?’

  ‘Jesus, no. I can’t be trusted. A dog outside will bark or something and then that’ll be you and your couch fucked.’

  *

  Norman got into his van and put on his seatbelt. He didn’t start the engine yet. He was pissed off. About everything. But the thing he was most pissed off about was Trish. Aesop was a gobshite, but then Norman knew that already. Tonight’s episode wasn’t exactly one that anyone could have seen coming, but it was only one of a long list of fucking stupid situations that Aesop had gotten himself into over the years. Trish was a different story though. What was she doing, calling over to Aesop like that at night? She could easily have gotten the necklace off Norman if she’d asked, but she hadn’t even mentioned it, let alone mentioning the fact that she was going to actually call around for it. And she did it when she knew that Norman wouldn’t be around. She hadn’t even said a word about the photo until she’d called from her gaff after Aesop had thrown the tea at her. He gunned the engine and took off. He only lived five minutes away from Jimmy and was in bed five minutes after that. He lay there, staring at the ceiling, wide-awake with his thoughts racing. He knew what was wrong and it was annoying the fuck out of him. He was jealous. Pure and simple.

  He turned onto his side and stuck his arm under the pillow. He’d fuck it up eventually. Brood and sulk until she left him. He’d try and be his usual self around his Mam and the lads, but inside he’d be sick to his stomach for weeks every time he thought of her until maybe – maybe – he’d bring himself to try again with someone else months later. Someone that could light up some of the shadows inside him with a smile that was just for him. That’s all it would take. But Trish wasn’t the one. She’d dump him. She’d ultimately dump him because of his insecurities and leave him with a whole set of new ones. That’s the way it would go.

  Bollocks anyway. Three weeks and it was like watching a train wreck already.

  Chapter Eight

  Aesop bounded up the stairs and into the reception. He stopped. There they were; Jimmy, Dónal … and Norman.

  ‘Howyiz lads,’ he said quietly.

  ‘Aesop.’

  ‘Eh … howya Norman. How’s things?’

  ‘Grand.’

  ‘How was … work?’

  ‘Grand.’

  ‘Eh … why are you here?’

  Dónal leaned back in his chair and threw his pen onto the pages on the coffee table in front of him.

  ‘Norman is helping us out with our … security issue.’

  ‘Oh. So you know someone then Norman?’

  ‘Yeah. Me.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘We went over some of the names that I know, people that I’ve worked with before who are in this game now, and I realised that any bloke we got to keep an eye on you would eventually only wind up getting annoyed and kicking the shite of you himself. So I’m going to do it.’

  ‘Kick the shite out of me?’

  ‘I haven’t ruled it out.’

  ‘Right. Eh, Dónal, can we keep looking? I’m not feeling the love here.’

  ‘Sorry man,’ said Jimmy, smiling. ‘It’s a done deal. Actually, it’s perfect. He knows you, knows your habits, knows your mates and your family. He’ll be able to spot anything that doesn’t look right. Isn’t that right, Norman?’

  ‘Yep. A large initial part of this work is research on the principal. That’s you. I’ve had a lifetime doing that, God help me. This way I won’t have to waste any time briefing someone else and trying to explain that you’re like that all the time.’

  ‘So … and what happens now?’

  ‘Me and you go back to your place and I check it out. Then I’ll go home and get some things and bring them over.’

  ‘What things?’

  ‘Clothes, toothbrush, rubber ducky …’

  ‘You’re moving in?!’

  ‘Yep.’

  ‘But … but …’

  ‘I can’t keep an eye on you if I’m not there, can I?’

  ‘But I only just moved in. I was starting to get the hang of the place, y’know? And anyway, who said I needed someone to live in the gaff? Can I not just give you a bell if I’m going out or something?’

  ‘As far as we understand it, Aesop, all the problems you’ve had so far have been at hom
e, right?’

  ‘Well … yeah.’

  ‘So that’s where you need looking after.’

  ‘But the … will you stop saying it like that? I’m not a fucking baby.’

  The others all looked at each other.

  ‘I’m not!’

  Jimmy stood up and handed Aesop a sheet of paper.

  ‘We know you’re not. But this is the way these things work. Look …’

  Aesop started to read.

  ‘Discreet?’

  ‘Yeah,’ said Norman, smiling. ‘One of my attributes as a close protection professional. I printed some stuff off the Web earlier so you’d have an idea of what to expect.’

  ‘Look at the size of you and the big red head! How is that discreet? You don’t exactly blend in around normal people, do you?’

  ‘Yeah, well she’s not trying to cut my bollocks off.’

  ‘Don’t say that! She just … she probably just needs a hug.’

  ‘Yeah, you just keep telling yourself she’s only after a hug.’

  ‘I am.’

  ‘Good luck with that.’

  ‘Fuck sake. You’re s’posed to be on my side Norman. Some bleedin’ bodyguard you are, saying shite like that. Am I not s’posed to feel relaxed when you’re around?’

  ‘Actually, you should just think of me as a chaperone.’

  ‘I don’t need a chaperone.’

  ‘That’s kind of what it is though,’ said Dónal. ‘A lot of time, the management of a … wayward … talent makes sure someone responsible is around so he doesn’t get himself into trouble.’

  ‘What are you on about? I thought we were worried about trouble I’m already in, not trouble I’m planning to get into in the future.’

  ‘Two birds,’ said Jimmy. ‘Till this thing blows over.’

  ‘So … so that’s it then? Kevin fuckin’ Costner here is going to move in with me, is he?’

  ‘That’s right Whitney. Me and you. Except I’m not planning on getting shot.’

  ‘But you’re not even a bodyguard, Norman. You’re a bleedin’ gardener.’

  ‘Not much work in the oul’ gardening this weather.’

  ‘But still. I mean … have you ever even done this before?’

  ‘Is it an interview now you’re giving me?’

  ‘No. Well, yeah. A bit. Are you qualified?’

  Norman laughed.

  ‘How many times have I saved your bollocks over the years when your big gob ran away from your brain?’

  ‘But this is different.’

  ‘I know. I’m getting paid this time.’

  ‘How much?’

  ‘That’s between me and your manager.’

  ‘Well, who was the last person you bleedin’ … chaperoned, then?’

  ‘You wouldn’t have heard of him.’

  ‘Try me.’

  ‘Well, I can’t tell you about the last one. But, just to set your mind at ease, back in the nineties I was deployed in Sierra Leone as part of an international covert Special Forces team to support and train ECOMOG troops trying to restore stability to the region after one of the more brutal RUF incursions towards Freetown. I had to train and supervise the troops that were assigned as close protection to one of the government envoys trying to broker a ceasefire. You probably remember from the telly that ECOMOG eventually managed to overthrow the Koromah junta and then later on UNAMSIL got involved and the Brits helped them catch Sankoh?’

  ‘Eh … was that on a Wednesday? Cos I was probably watching Coronation Street. Was it the time you fell and cut your leg?’

  ‘Yeah. I fell. It wasn’t a sniper round at all. Langer. Anyway, I think the point is that I’m qualified to keep an eye on a little shitebag like you. I’m assuming that this young one who’s after you doesn’t have access to automatic weapons or keep a stash of frag grenades under her bed, so I think I should be able to manage.’

  Aesop sighed and looked down at his page again. He saw something and pointed to it.

  ‘Yeah? Well it says here you’re not s’posed to be making assumptions.’

  ‘Oh right. I must be rusty so.’

  ‘Actually, speaking of beds …’ Aesop sighed. ‘Looks like I had a visitor last night.’

  ‘What?’

  They all looked at him.

  ‘I went home this morning from Jimmy’s and the door was bloody open.’

  ‘Jesus. Not again,’ said Jimmy.

  ‘Yeah. Well, obviously I didn’t lock it myself when I … left. And I don’t know if Trish closed it properly after her either when she was going out.’

  ‘Trish who?’ said Dónal.

  ‘Eh …’

  ‘It doesn’t matter,’ said Norman. ‘So, what happened?’

  ‘Well, I went in and looked around. No problem. I went upstairs to change and when I came out of the shower, the fresh jocks I was after putting out ready on the bed were all damp.’

  ‘What do you mean damp?’ said Norman.

  ‘I mean the bed was wet.’

  ‘She put water on the bed.’

  ‘Not water. Piss.’

  ‘What?!’

  ‘She pissed on the bed.’

  ‘Are you serious?’ said Jimmy.

  ‘Why would I fucking make that up?’

  ‘Fuck sake!’

  ‘But why did you put clothes on the bed if it was after being pissed on?’

  ‘I didn’t realise.’

  ‘Someone pisses on your bed and you don’t notice?’

  ‘Well the room is only after being painted, isn’t it? There’s a funny smell in it anyway.’

  ‘Paint doesn’t smell like piss Aesop.’

  ‘I know that. Can we stop with the fucking clever observations? She was there last night after I left and she pissed on the bed. That’s all I’m saying.’

  ‘Was there anything else?’

  ‘Well … I’m not sure. But I can’t find me Cradle of Filth t-shirt.’

  ‘Jesus, Aesop, that could be anywhere. The state of your bedroom, you messy bastard.’

  ‘Well, I thought it was on the shelf. Although, to be fair, it might have been this young one I rode a couple of weeks ago that took it. She was doing some ironing for me …’

  ‘You have them doing your fucking ironing now?! For fu …’

  ‘No Jimmy, Jesus. What do you take me for? Just this one. And she offered. Y’see, she was trying to get the nozzle of the hoover under the tumble dryer and saw that it was full of clothes, so the next thing …’

  ‘You’re actually going to make me listen to this shite, are you?’

  ‘I’m just saying, maybe that might be what happened to the t-shirt. Cos I’m after losing a few bits of clothes over the last while. It’s not enough that I’m giving them half a kilo of pud, now they want a souvenir as well to take home with them afterwards, greedy bastards. Man, I loved that t-shirt. It’s one of me favourites, Jimmy. Remember when I got it? Remember that time when we were all down in …’

  ‘Aesop …’

  ‘But I could’ve nearly sworn it was on the shelf next to the …’

  ‘Aesop, can we talk about it later? Stupid fucking t-shirts aside, was anything else taken?’

  ‘Don’t think so. Just that and the pissy bed. Oh, and more bleedin’ flowers. Except in the kitchen sink this time, with water and everything. So I, got dressed and came here.’

  ‘I’ll call Garda Ní Mhurchú,’ said Jimmy, standing up.

  Norman nodded and bit at his lip, saying nothing.

  ‘What now?’ said Aesop.

  ‘I’m thinking that maybe you staying there isn’t such a good idea,’ said Norman.

  ‘Ah Jaysis. Why?’

  ‘Why? Because it’s too dangerous.’

  ‘But you’ll be there. If she turns up, you can just grab her and beat the fuck out of her.’

  ‘That’s not how it works Aesop.’

  ‘Of course it is. She comes along when she’s dying for a shite, or whatever she has planned next for me, and you
drop out of a tree and grab her head – twist, crunch, the job is done. She falls to the ground twitching.’

  ‘This isn’t “Enter the Ninja”, Aesop. The whole point of what I’m there for is to avoid any confrontation at all and let the police do their job.’

  ‘You fuckin’ chicken.’

  ‘I’m serious Aesop, if you or I ever have to get involved with this girl then something has already gone arseways.’

  ‘I’m already involved with her Norman. I have a mattress full of her wee for fuck sake.’

  ‘Ah, you know what I mean. But, seriously … pissing on your bed … Christ, what did you do to this girl?’

  ‘Who’s the bleedin’ victim here Norman? It’s not my fault she’s a spacer.’

  Norman nodded. He was thinking about Aesop’s townhouse, the courtyard outside, the door and windows. He thought about Trish being there on her own last night, however briefly, and about Jennifer, Jimmy and everyone else who went there. Including other girls that Aesop had been picking up. No. It was no good. He’d check it out, get the place locked up properly and then get Aesop out of there and fixed up somewhere else. His own place was no good. He wasn’t bringing Aesop into the same house as his Mam. Jimmy’s was no good either. They had to go somewhere completely different. Dónal would have to pay for a hotel in town or something. But … no. That wouldn’t work either. If Aesop was still living in town, he’d be walking around and going out to all his usual haunts. Norman would have to handcuff him to the bathroom sink or he’d never stay still. They had to get out of town completely for a week or two.

  ‘Is he needed?’ he said to Dónal and Jimmy, pointing at Aesop.

  ‘Needed?’

  ‘Are you lot working on a record or something?’

  ‘Well, no. We’ve got a tour coming up though. Rehearsals. Why?’

  ‘I’m thinking maybe it’s a better idea if he wasn’t in Dublin.’

  ‘Where are you thinking?’

  ‘Don’t know. Down the country somewhere. Just some place out of the way. There’s no point in asking for trouble with him hanging around the city, is all.’

  ‘Where were you thinking of bringing him?’ said Dónal.

  ‘Not sure yet. Away though. He doesn’t exactly keep a low profile, does he?’

  ‘No he doesn’t.’

  ‘Who the fuck is “he”?’ said Aesop, looking around at everyone. ‘The cat’s mother?’