Ride On

by Stephen J. Martin

  ‘Right.’

  ‘Then you go on tour.’

  ‘Yeah.’

  ‘Well it seems that Alison and her team have come up with an ingenious solution to the problem of us not having a bass player.’

  ‘Deadly! What is it?’

  ‘Well, it’s a bit complicated. But, what they want to do is for us to tour with Leet.’

  ‘Sure that’s grand. It’ll be a laugh having young fellas like that around the place.’

  ‘Yeah, well we tour Ireland, then the UK. We use Leet’s bass player in The Grove. He plays with us every night when Leet come off. We just pay him a session fee.’

  ‘Okay.’

  ‘Now, here’s where it gets a bit fucked.’

  Jimmy put down his empty glass. He nodded to the barman for three more, even though the other two had barely touched theirs.

  ‘You can fucking say that again,’ he said.

  Dónal went on.

  ‘Senturion aren’t sure about us being headline material in the States.’

  ‘Well that’s all right, isn’t it? Nothing’s even been released over there yet.’

  ‘Yeah. But they think Leet might be.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘The Grove would be supporting Leet in the States.’

  ‘But they haven’t even recorded anything yet! They’re only kids.’

  ‘I know. But they have the makings of an album and Senturion are ready to put a huge amount of money behind it, based on what they’ve heard. They’ll have songwriters working on it straight away on the side, and they’ll come up with a production sound for us to work to in the studio. They’re looking for something new and they’ve decided that Leet is it. They’re going full tilt, man. They have some big American friends on board with the whole thing. It’s time for a new biggest-band-in-the-world and Leet are in the right place at the right time. Could’ve been anyone, but it’s Leet.’

  ‘But could it not have been us?’

  ‘Well, that’s what we were kind of hoping for, Aesop. Unfortunately, they basically think you’re too old. You and Jimmy. Great musicians, great songwriters … but a bit long in the tooth to attract the kids in the US. Kids who don’t want to see their Dads up there on the stage. They need a new Green Day, now that Green Day are getting all serious.’

  Aesop looked in the mirror behind the bar and flicked at his hair.

  ‘Me? Look at me, for fuck sake. I’m gorgeous! I could pass as twenty-two no bother.’

  ‘Maybe not any more Aesop.’

  Aesop looked over at Jimmy.

  ‘Is this what has you like this, grandad?’

  Jimmy nodded.

  ‘It gets better, man. Go on Dónal.’

  ‘Right. Aesop, do you understand what’s happening so far?’

  ‘Yeah. Jesus, it’s not like I’ve no brain at all Dónal.’

  ‘I know that. I just want to make sure you know where we are. We’ll all need to be able to discuss it later, the three of us.’

  ‘I’m grand. Go on.’

  ‘Right. So, we release The Grove album, go on tour around Ireland and the UK with Leet as support. The Leet album is recorded on the road. Not easily done, but the timing means it has to happen that way. When it’s ready, your album and Leet’s album both go out in the US, a shed load of money behind theirs and fuck all behind yours. But you’ll get the run-off because you’re touring together over there – except with The Grove supporting Leet this time. All the kids over there run out and buy the Leet album because MTV tells them to, some of them buy yours too.’

  ‘Okay. I’m starting to not like it as much now.’

  ‘Right. But that’s not all.’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘Senturion are after having another great idea. What they’re basically saying is, The Grove is too old to really sell records from a standing start. But Leet don’t have the musicianship in the studio to cut it. Or the songwriting. So … after the US tour we all come back here and get back here to work on our second album.’

  ‘Yeah …’

  ‘Except, it’s a Leet album.’

  ‘We work on a Leet album? But …’

  ‘The drummer and guitar player in Leet get fired. You and Jimmy join Leet for the other three albums in the contract. What you have in your hand there is really a contract for Leet not The Grove. You see the problem now?’

  Aesop nodded.

  ‘One contract, two bands.’

  ‘No. One band Aesop. That’s the problem. The Grove is no more. You can take the songs into Leet with you, almost everything else stays the same, except the front man of the band isn’t Jimmy. Eamonn does the singing. Jimmy gets to hang back and become a guitar hero. You do what you’ve always done. You’re Jimmy’s rhythm section.’

  ‘And … The Grove is gone?’

  ‘Except for the songs. Yeah.’

  ‘Jimmy?’

  ‘Yeah?’

  ‘You all right?’

  ‘No.’

  Aesop looked back at his pint for a minute.

  ‘Dónal, it’ll never happen.’

  ‘Why not?’

  ‘Man, them lads in Leet have been mates since they were kids.’

  ‘I know.’

  ‘Well, they’re not going to just fire the drummer and the guitar player, are they?’

  ‘Well, I don’t know. But when there’s money involved, Aesop, people can surprise you.’

  ‘Well … okay. But we can just say fuck off, right? We don’t want to be in Leet. We want to be in The Grove. Right Jimmy?’

  ‘Right.’

  ‘And anyway, what are they on about? We’re huge in Ireland! Everyone loves us.’

  ‘Ireland is a piss-splash Aesop. This is a whole different game we’re playing. There’s no money in Ireland. Not like that anyway. It’s too small.’

  Aesop had caught up to Jimmy at this stage and waved at the barman.

  ‘So,’ he said, turning back to Dónal. ‘We sign this contract, tour, and then come back and join Leet?’

  ‘Right.’

  ‘And if we tell them to fuck off?’

  ‘We tour the UK and Ireland. With Leet if we want. Then we’re on our own. The album is released at home and here. Anywhere else, it’s only on export. End of story. We go looking for another deal unless the album really breaks. Then Senturion will probably get behind us again. But, Aesop, the album won’t break unless they’re behind us in the first place. And their plan is to pull money out from under us and put it into Leet. Do you understand?’

  ‘Yeah. I think so. But we can still get another deal, right? We got the first one easy enough, didn’t we?’

  ‘Well, in retrospect, the first one was probably all about getting some exposure for you and Jimmy. They wanted you to become known in your own right while they looked for another band that you could join. Kids that will fit the image of this new vibe they’re trying to put together. They probably never intended for The Grove to be it. The Grove was just a vehicle for putting you guys on the map, but they need someone else to complete the line-up they have in mind. And then when we came up with Leet, there it all was. A package deal. What they basically want to do is hand-pick a new version of Leet that they think will do the job. So anyway, maybe The Grove could get another deal. We’ll still be big in Ireland. We can always pay the bills that way. Maybe the UK fan base from this album would give us a bunt up to something bigger … but no one’s making any promises.’

  ‘So what do you think we should do?’

  ‘I think we should think about it.’

  ‘You mean you want to go for it?’

  ‘I mean we should think about it. It’s a lot of money. A lot, Aesop.’

  ‘Come on then, how much?’

  ‘You sign that document and commit to the next three albums with Leet – and by the way, you can sign it on your own if you want – and one million will go into your account tomorrow. Sterling.’

  Aesop’s glass went crashing to the floor.


  ‘Are you all right Aesop?’

  He was pale.

  ‘Aesop?’

  Aesop stood up and then sat down again.

  ‘You okay?’ said Dónal.

  ‘Yeah man. Sorry. When you said one million I got such a shock that I thought I was after having an accident. I could feel it sliding around back there and everything.’

  He pulled a melted Curly Wurly out of his back pocket and grinned.

  ‘False alarm.’

  Chapter Twenty

  ‘So you’re really thinking about it?’ said Aesop. They were sitting in his hotel room the next night, drinking beer, having gone another round of meetings with Alison and her lads over at Senturion. ‘I’d have put money on you telling them to fuck off.’

  ‘Well that was what I nearly did straight away. But I’ve sat around enough tables like that in me life, Aesop. The best thing to do is chill out and think about it. The worst thing you can do is go flying off the handle and telling people to get fucked.’

  ‘But … joining Leet? I mean, we’ve come this far on our own, haven’t we? Why do we need to do that? I just don’t understand why they’re doing it. One minute everyone thinks we’re brilliant, songs in the charts and everything, and the next minute we’re a couple of oul’ fellas and we won’t sell records. How the fuck did that happen?’

  ‘We’re selling those records because Senturion want us to, Aesop. They’re pushing them. It all depends on how many records we want to sell. We keep going the way we’re going, without Senturion, and there’s a good chance that we end up being just another band that a few people like. She’s got loads of them bands. She wants U2.’

  ‘But, Jesus, we can’t all be U2.’

  ‘I know.’

  ‘Well … listen, Jimmy, this is all a bit mad for me to be making decisions. I don’t know what to do. Whatever you do, I’ll go along with it okay?’

  ‘Aesop, it’s too big for that. You need to make your own mind up this time. Really.’

  ‘But I’m not doing it on me own, man. Joining Leet, y’know? Without you? It wouldn’t be any fun.’

  ‘Fun? Being rich and famous and touring the world and having every chick on the planet trying to give you ball-hummers wouldn’t be fun? Since when?’

  ‘Ah Jaysis, Jimmy. Sure that’s practically happening already, isn’t it? I’ve only two balls and I can’t keep up with the girls as it is. And I’m not really there in me head anyway these days, with Helen and all. But c’mere, I meant to ask you … what about me gaff? That’ll still be paid off, won’t it? Even if we don’t go ahead with the contract.’

  ‘Yeah, that should be grand based on the album. But that might be all you ever have out of it.’

  ‘But it’s more than I ever had. I’d still be up on the deal. And we’d still get money touring as The Grove. Even if we’re only playing Vicar Street and all that. And there’s always the chance that we might get another record deal. Y’know? So it’s not like we’re bollixed if we don’t sign.’

  ‘Yeah, I know all that Aesop. And you’re right. But …’

  ‘But you don’t want it any more?’

  ‘No, I do. But not like this. Just handed to us, y’know? This way they just press a few buttons and the next thing we’re headlining Reading, y’know? Out of the blue.’

  ‘But Jimmy …’

  ‘Yeah, yeah. I know, I’m never happy. You think I’m a fussy bastard, don’t you?’

  ‘You are a fussy bastard, Jimmy.’

  ‘I s’pose. But this’ll be like joining another company, Aesop. I just got out of all that shite. I did it for years and I don’t want to go back to it now. Y’know what I mean? That contract went into a lot of details, and all the control goes to Senturion. I’d just be back being someone’s gimp.’

  ‘But you’d be a gimp with a fleet of Ferraris.’

  ‘And no self-respect.’

  ‘Ah, fuck self-respect. And you don’t know it’ll be all that bad.’

  ‘I’ve an idea how it’ll be. And it’s different for me as well, man. I’m a partner in Sin Bin, okay?’

  ‘Yeah.’

  ‘So, either way, I get a pay out. Join Leet, and it’s the big time. Don’t join Leet and I’m still getting my cut of Sin Bin’s twenty percent. Plus production credits on the albums. I’ll probably play a bit on them too. Maybe even contribute a song or two along the way. Y’know what I mean? I’m sorted. Whatever about The Grove, I’m looking good on the business side whichever way this works out. It’s not the same thing at all for you. If you don’t join Leet, you’ve got this album and whatever The Grove can come up with down the line.’

  ‘And that’s grand, sure.’

  ‘But Aesop, who the fuck knows where The Grove will go? You need to think about that.’

  ‘Where’s it going to go?’

  ‘I’m just saying, Aesop. What happens if me working for Sin Bin takes over? Say we have a rake of bands that we’re managing, producing, all that. Say I’m called over to LA to produce a Leet album this time next year, and I’m gone for six months. That’s six months with The Grove doing fuck all, y’know? You scratching your bollocks.’

  ‘So … are you saying that you’re going to be giving it up? Packing in The Grove? Either way?’

  ‘No I’m not. But it might happen some time. You never know, that’s all. In fact, it will happen some day. Aesop, the fuckers are right about one thing. We aren’t kids any more. No one does this lark forever.’

  ‘But we’re only getting bleedin’ started!’

  ‘I know, I know. All I’m saying man, is that this is an opportunity for you to clean up while you can. You sign that deal and you never have to worry about another fucking meal for the rest of your life. You need to think about that.’

  ‘But …’

  ‘Dónal and me are going to advise Leet to sign on. As their business managers, this is fucking huge for them. And us. Right place, right time, jammy bastards, but that’s the way it goes sometimes. And c’mere, I’m not just your mate or your bandmate. I’m your business manager too.’

  ‘Me bollix.’

  ‘Yeah, well I am. And purely as your business manager, I’d tell you to sign it.’

  ‘What? Without you signing it?’

  ‘Yeah. Listen Aesop, I’m not trying to insult you here, but playing drums is what you do. You’re not exactly going to be Ireland’s first astronaut, are you?’

  ‘I don’t like heights.’

  ‘You’re too good a drummer to starve, man, but this chance is once-in-a-lifetime to go way past that. You need to think about it. Sober.’

  ‘A bit late for that.’

  ‘Well, you don’t have to give your decision tonight.’

  ‘And what about you?’

  ‘I’m leaning towards no.’

  ‘Not signing it.’

  ‘No. I don’t think so.’

  ‘Because. …’

  ‘I don’t know. Because I’m a fuckin’ eejit, probably.’

  ‘So the way you’re leaning, and what you’re advising me to do … it all means no more Grove. No more Aesop and Jimmy keeping it real.’

  Jimmy stood up and went to the fridge. He grabbed the last two beers and threw one to Aesop.

  ‘Aesop, you should sign it.’

  ‘But …’

  ‘Really man. I’m not just saying this. You need to sign it. This is a lot bigger than The Grove. This is your chance. Sign it.’

  Aesop opened his beer.

  ‘And what happens to Jimmy Collins if I sign it?’

  ‘Jimmy Collins becomes a famous producer.’

  ‘Is that what he wants?’

  Jimmy took some of his own beer and shrugged.

  ‘At least working for Sin Bin means doing things my way. That’s always better than being a gimp.’

  ‘Ah right. But it’s okay for me to be a gimp, is it?’

  Jimmy laughed.

  ‘They don’t want you to be a gimp, Aesop. That’s the point.’
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  ‘What do they want me to be then?’

  ‘They want you to be Aesop! Why mess with perfection, right?’

  ‘But … so I’d just be kind of a hoor then?’

  ‘Yeah. Your dream job.’

  ‘But … ah, fuck sake, this is hard. Are we out of beer?’

  ‘Yeah.’

  Aesop leaned over to the bedside table and picked up the phone.

  ‘Ah yeah. Hello. Is Jonathon there? Tell him it’s Aesop … right, thanks.’

  ‘I’m a bit full of beer Aesop,’ said Jimmy.

  Aesop nodded.

  ‘Jonathon? How’s it goin’? Listen, what whiskey do you have? Ah, I don’t know where the menu is, just tell me. Right … right … okay … is that all? Hang on …’

  Aesop put a hand to the receiver.

  ‘Jimmy, they only have Tullamore Dew.’

  Jimmy shook his head.

  ‘Okay Jonathon, Plan B. We’ll have to go with scotch. Can you just send us up a bottle of Glenfiddich? Grand. Yeah. That’s grand. I’ll seeya in a minute so. Cheers … oh c’mere, can you get us a couple of hookers as well?’

  Jimmy looked up.

  ‘Aesop …’

  Aesop held up a hand at him and kept talking.

  ‘Yeah. Grand. I’ll have something dark. Not mad hairy though. I’m not in the mood for cross-country this evening. Yeah. No, that’s fine. And … hang on … Jimmy?’

  ‘Will you fuck off Aesop, I don’t want a hooker! What are you doing?’

  ‘Ah … no, he’s just a bit shy Jonathon. Why don’t you just call Julie from last night? She was nice. Yeah. That’s lovely, man. Yeah. And the Glenfiddich. Seeya in a minute so.’

  Aesop hung up.

  ‘Sorted.’

  ‘Aesop, what the fuck are you doing?’

  ‘You don’t have to ride them, Jimmy. It’s just a bit of company. You want to sit here just the two of us all night?’

  ‘Aesop, you can’t charge two brazzers to the room. Alison will have a canary. And anyway, I’m not into that. And since when are you into paying for it?’

  ‘Sure, I’m paying for fuck all.’

  ‘But … and what about Helen?’

  ‘Amn’t I after saying that you don’t have to ride them? Hookers know how to have a good time, that’s all. We’ll have a laugh, watch. And they don’t let skangers into this place. They’ll be classy.’