Fate

by Amanda Hocking

“Jane, we hardly know about anything,” I said. “There’s tons out there. But it doesn’t affect us. Or we don’t realize it does. This one thing happened to touch home, just for a minute, but it doesn’t change anything else. ”

  “It changes everything!” Jane insisted dramatically.

  This is exactly why I wasn’t supposed to tell people about vampires. It was too hard for a person to take. It completely distorts the perception of reality. When things that are so clearly fiction became fact, it changes everything.

  “I don’t know what to tell you,” I told her simply.

  “So you’re no help?” Jane smiled wryly and flicked her cigarette into a sink. “I should’ve expected that from you. ” She pulled out her ample makeup bag from her backpack by the door and went over to the mirror next to me.

  “What is that supposed to mean?” I asked.

  “You just take your lot in life, no matter what it is. ” She took out something to blot the makeup that had smeared around her eyes when she teared up. “You don’t know how to fight for anything you want. ”

  “I don’t think that’s true,” I said, but her words stung.

  “Really?” Jane’s reflection smiled at me as she reapplied eyeliner. “If you really believe that, then how come you’re sitting here, still human, going to high school? Cause you’ve got to be dying to be a vampire. ” When she finished her makeup, she caught my expression in the mirror and laughed darkly. “That’s what I thought. ”

  “It’s so much more complicated than that. ” But my words sounded unconvincing, even to me.

  “I’m sure it is. ” She put on another coat of lip gloss and turned to me. “I’m gonna go to class. And we can just pretend we never even had this little talk, since that’s how you want to play this. ”

  “I’m not playing anything!”

  “Good job,” Jane winked at me.

  She sauntered out of the bathroom, swinging her book bag over her back as she left. Her runway walk was already back in full strut, and I gaped after her.

  It was as if there was a switch inside her where she could momentarily express real emotions, and then just flick them off when it became inconvenient. She’d been frightened and almost crying, and boom! She fixed her makeup, belittled me, and walked off into the sunset.

  I leaned back, resting my head against the mirror, and tried to find fault with what she said. I fought for what I wanted. Repeatedly, I tried to convince Ezra that it was a good idea that I turned now instead of later.

  I never really told Jack how I felt, but I still hadn’t gotten everything with him straightened out. All I was doing was making the best of a messed up situation. That wasn’t the same as just letting life happen to me.

  I ended up sleeping a lot in class. During lunch, I’d gone to the nurses’ offices and lay down on a cot to get some sleep. After school, walking the block and a half from the bus stop to my apartment left me exhausted. I collapsed on the couch as soon as I got in and passed out.

  Milo texted me to make sure I was okay, but I only vaguely remember answering it, and then I was out again. I barely managed to wake up for school the next day, but I took twice the vitamins Mae told me to take.

  When they bus dropped me off at school, I ran across the street to the gas station and bought five Red Bulls. I was gonna fight this tired thing if it killed me.

  By the end of the day, I actually felt pretty good. Jane avoided me, but it was better that way. She needed to extradite herself from this life before she got hurt.

  I made it through the second day of my senior year, though, so I thought that counted for something. It wasn’t until I got home and sat on the couch, sipping on my sixth Red Bull of the day, that I realized something disturbing.

  Milo texted me twice yesterday, once asking how I was feeling and the second expressing his relief that I was doing okay. He had not invited me over. Jack had not called or texted me.

  In fact, since he’d bitten me, Jack hadn’t really spoken to me at all. We had shared something immensely intimate, and he was just blowing me off.

  He was legitimately freaked out by everything. We were both in serious danger. But we were already in danger. Avoiding me now couldn’t take it back or make me any safer in the future. He wasn’t protecting me or preventing anything from happening.

  Unless…

  When he bit me, I felt how much he cared about me, and it was overwhelming. It felt amazing, but conversely, he could feel the way I felt. Maybe it wasn’t good enough. Maybe he saw how little I cared for him.

  Not that I didn’t care for him that much, but I wasn’t even capable of feeling the way he did. I cared about him as much as I could, as much as my measly human emotions would allow.

  Maybe he’d felt the way I still cared for Peter. Despite everything that should be to the contrary, I had very strong feelings for Peter, and something at the very core of me felt destined to be with him. That came directly from my blood, and maybe Jack tasted that.

  Without even knowing it, I may very well have broken his heart and driven him away.

  I couldn’t live in that kind of panic, so I pulled out my phone. I didn’t think I could talk directly to Jack, not yet, so I texted Milo instead.

  Hey. How’s it going? I messaged Milo.

  As time started to slowly tick by, it seemed more and more likely that either Milo was sleeping or he hated me. Finally, after seven o’clock, my phone started to ring, and my heart almost pounded out of my chest.

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  Pretty good. How are you feeling today? Milo texted.

  Good. Better. What’s going on tonight? I responded.

  We’re just working on some things here. You should probably just stay home and get some rest. Milo messaged.

  I’m feeling better. I’d like to get out. This was, of course, only half the truth, but I wanted to see Jack.

  Not tonight. Just get some sleep. I’ll talk to you tomorrow. Milo messaged back, and that was that.

  They were shutting me out of their lives. If neither Jack nor Peter wanted me around anymore, it made little sense for me to be around. Milo could still talk to me. Just not at their house.

  Peter could just move back home, and they could go on with their lives. Everything could go back to some semblance of normal if they just got rid of me.

  I took more vitamins, drank another Red Bull, and paced the apartment.

  In retrospect, all that caffeine would seem like a really bad idea. I was tired and weak, and instead of perking me up, it made me fidgety. When I finally decided to try to go to bed, sleep escaped me. Even though I was still suffering anemia induced exhaustion, my nerves and the caffeine made it impossible to sleep.

  A cool mist seeped into my room through the open window, so at least I wouldn’t have to sleep in muggy ninety degree temperatures. I actually had cool comfort going for me, but I tossed and turned until the covers fell off, and then I was cold.

  If only Jack would call me, then somehow we could straighten this all out. I could confess how much I really did care about him, and how little Peter meant to me.

  Eventually, my body forced itself to shut down and go to sleep, and I was staring at the phone when my eyes finally closed. The last coherent thought I had before drifting off was that I really and truly loved Jack.

  I heard a noise, a banging sound on my window, and my eyes flashed open. The scare from the bang drove away my fatigue, and I sat up, looking around for the source of sound.

  Fog had permeated my room, sliding in from the open window. A curtain fluttered in a light breeze, letting in the light from the streetlamp, and it cast onto a figure standing in the corner of my room.

  My breath caught in my throat, which was probably only a little better than screaming. I was about to ask who it was, but even in the dim fog of my room, I could see his piercing green eyes fixed on me. He knew that I had seen him, so he stepped out from the sha
dows.

  - 24 -

  He was still the most stunning thing I had ever seen. My heart fluttered, and that familiar painful tug pulled inside of me, almost demanding that I get out of bed and go to him. If I hadn’t been in shock, I might have. Instead, I just gaped at him.

  “Peter,” I whispered breathlessly.

  “I didn’t mean to wake you,” Peter said softly, and his voice sounded like velvet.

  He moved closer to me, cautiously sitting on the edge of my bed. His thick, chestnut hair fell into his eyes, and he absently pushed it back. His skin was smooth and flawless, and his lips parted slightly, breathing me in.

  He wanted to reach out and touch me, but fought it, gripping my blanket and balling his hand up into a fist. There should’ve been something menacing and frightening about him being in my room, but there wasn’t.

  “What are you doing here?” I swallowed hard, gauging his reaction, but it was impossible. As always, his expression was impenetrable.

  “I wanted to see you. I thought something was wrong. ” His eyes flashed with something I couldn’t read, and I dropped my gaze. My mind was filled with the exotic haze of him, and I wouldn’t be able to think at all if I kept looking at him.

  “Something wrong? You mean like when you nearly killed me?” I was startled that I’d even been able to say something that biting, but he clouded up whatever part of my senses controlled my inhibitions.

  Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him flinch, and that delighted me somehow. He felt remorse about what he’d done to me, as if that were evidence that he actually cared.

  “I can never apologize enough for that,” he said, and his fist clenched tighter onto my blanket.

  “Funny. I haven’t even heard you apologize once. ” I looked up at him, and he turned away from me, his eyes softening with guilt and shame.

  “Alice, I never meant to hurt you. I just didn’t know how to protect you. Or myself. ” He exhaled deeply, staring out my window for a moment before continuing. “I’ll never forgive myself for what I did. You deserve much better than me, so much better than my life, and that’s why I left. ”

  “I didn’t want you to leave. ” I didn’t understand why but I was almost pleading with him. Part of me had never stopped yearning for him.

  “Really?” Peter turned to me, surprised and relieved.

  “I wanted to die when you told me you didn’t want me anymore. What does that tell you?” My hands trembled, and my heart pounded so loud I could barely hear myself speak. What was I saying? What was I doing?

  “I’ll never stop wanting you. I just couldn’t hurt you again,” he said.

  Gently, he placed his hand on top of mine, and electricity jolted through me. It took everything to keep breathing. All my senses went haywire.

  “Why are you back?” I whispered.

  “I don’t think I can stay away from you anymore. ”

  He leaned in towards me, but his lips bypassed mine. Instead they rested softly on my neck, kissing the skin running over my veins. A delirious moan escaped my lips, and a tantalizing heat went through me.

  His hand that had been gently touching mine had changed, so it pinned down my wrist, not that I minded. I wouldn’t have fought back no matter what he did. I welcomed every touch he gave.

  When the sharp prick of his teeth broke the skin, everything was more intense then I remembered. My blood surged through me, hot and silky, making my body quiver with pleasure.

  I just started to feel his heart pump with mine, but this sudden darkness stung at me. Just like that, he stopped biting me.

  The familiar cold shaking took over me, my body’s reaction to the separation. I collapsed back on the bed, but Peter still gripped my wrist. If he squeezed much harder, my bones would snap. He leaned over, spitting onto my floor.

  “What did you do?” Peter turned me, breathing heavily. His eyes burned in agony, but his expression was completely bewildered. “Your blood was so bitter. What have you done? Did you let Jack…”

  “Peter. ” I shook my head and tried to reach out for him, but he let go of me and backed away.

  “Alice, what have you done?” Peter repeated plaintively, and I had never seen anyone look as tortured as he did then. He ran a hand through his hair, and he looked as if he might be sick.

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  “Peter. I didn’t…” I tried to sit up, but overwhelming dizziness forced me back down.

  The exhaustion I felt before came back in tenfold. Even though Peter hadn’t drunk very much blood, I could barely handle what I already lost.

  I tried to think, to reason with him, but my mind was suffocating. The lack of blood and the haze Peter put on me were too much. I closed my eyes, meaning to clear my head for a minute, but when I opened them, Peter was gone.

  I knew I should call Jack or Milo or somebody. I had to warn them that Peter was back, and he knew what was going on. I wanted to move, but it was far too much work.

  Nothing seemed to be working, and the best I could manage was reaching out for my phone on the night stand.

  Something was shaking me so hard, I thought I would get whiplash. My body flopped back and forth, and hands squeezed my shoulders. I tried pushing them off, but I could barely even raise my arms. A voice screamed my name shrilly, and I realized belatedly that it was my mother.

  “Mom!” I shouted, swatting at her wrist the best I could, and the shaking finally stopped.

  “Alice? What the hell is going on with you?” Mom looked at me with wild eyes.

  She sat on my bed, holding my shoulders, otherwise I would’ve fallen back onto the bed. Bright sunlight shone in through the curtains, and not only was my mother actually home, she was in my room.

  “What are you talking about? What are you doing in here?” I said groggily, and when I tried to push my hair out of my eyes, I poked myself in the eye. I felt like a drunk person when I moved.

  “I just got home. It’s ten o’clock in the morning, and your alarm clock was going off, as it had been for the last three hours. You didn’t hear it? At all?” Mom stared at me, trying to figure out if I was high or drunk or just sick. “When I came in here, I turned off your alarm, and you just laid there. I thought you were dead. ”

  “I’m not dead. I’m just tired. ” I tried to shake her off, but she wasn’t letting go so easily. “I’m fine. Really. ”

  “You slept through an alarm clock and you didn’t wake up until I shook the hell out of you. You are not fine!” Her grip on me softened, and she pushed the hair out of my eyes, so she could get a better look and see if they were bloodshot or dilated. “Alice, are you on drugs?”

  “No, Mom,” I batted her hand away, and she finally let go of me so I could lie back down. “I’m just tired. I think I’m sick. Like I have mono or something. ”

  “Mono? What boys have you been kissing?” Her voice got shriller and higher, and I buried my head in my pillow to block out the sound. “Is it that Jack boy? Did he get you sick? Is he giving you drugs?

  “No, Mom, no drugs!” The mention of Jack picked at something in the back of my mind, but I couldn’t exactly figure out what it was. “Just go away and let me get some sleep. I’ll talk about this later. ”

  “You’re just skipping school today?” Mom asked.

  “Guess so. I’m sick. ” I hit at the air above my head, shooing her away.

  “If you’re not up by this afternoon, I’m taking you to the doctor,” Mom relented and stood up. “And I’m having them test you for every drug known to man. Is that clear?”

  “Crystal,” I muttered into my pillow.

  Once she left, I rolled over and tried to clear the fog from my head. I really, really wanted to go back to sleep, but I blamed that on the counteractive effect of the Red Bull. I forced myself to do too much yesterday, and my body completely shut down.

  Something about Jack was making my heart panic, but I couldn’t put
my finger on it. He hadn’t talked to me yesterday, and then I had gone to bed, and then…

  And then Peter.

  I touched at my neck, feeling for bite marks, but there weren’t any, not that that really meant anything. Very little of last night remained clear to me. Just Peter’s green eyes and the strange fog in my room. But there couldn’t be fog in my room. That’s not even possible.

  And he had spit my blood on my floor. Mom would’ve freaked out if she saw the floor covered in blood. I rolled over, checking the floor just to be sure, but other than a few pieces of dirty clothing, it was clean.

  I lay back down and touched my neck again. What had happened last night? My head still felt fuzzy. Maybe… maybe it had just been a dream.

  As tired as I had been lately, it didn’t seem likely that I would wake up to any noise. Besides that, Peter moved in almost total silence. I doubted I’d even be able to hear him come in.

  It was probably just a bad dream as a result of my own obsessive paranoia, my exhaustion, and too much caffeine all rolled up together.

  Just be completely safe, I called Milo anyway. If Peter was in town, it wouldn’t hurt to give them a heads up, and if he wasn’t, it would give me a piece of mind.

  Milo didn’t answer when I called but that was reassuring. If Peter had stopped by, they’d all be awake. In fact, they’d call me to make sure I was safe. But Milo not answering meant that he was still sleeping, and everything was okay.

  “Hey, Milo, it’s just me,” I tiredly told his voicemail. “I just had the weirdest dream and I wanted to make sure you all were okay and what not. Just give me a call later, okay? Okay. Bye. ”

  I made sure to set the ringer to loud on my phone, just in case there was trouble, and set it on the nightstand. In the meantime, I was tired as hell. Pulling the blankets over me, I snuggled deeper into the bed and passed out.

  I forced myself out of bed at seven o’clock, before my mother went to work, to prove to her that I was still alive and okay. I was feeling better, but not as good as I pretended to be.

  Once she left, I took the pills Mae had given me, then downed another Red Bull, and crashed on the couch. While I hadn’t the best experience with too much caffeine last night, I figured that a little could probably help take the edge off the fatigue.

  Milo came over, disrupting my plans to just fall back to sleep on the couch. He looked amazing, as usual, so it was safe to assume that nobody had attacked him in the night. Leaning on the back of the couch, he looked down at me.

  “You look terrible,” Milo said, and that was probably true.

  I’d pretty much been sleeping the last couple days. The last time I showered was before school yesterday, and I hadn’t brushed my hair in just as long. My skin was ashen, even for me, and I hadn’t eaten or changed out of my pajamas since the day before. So yeah, I’m pretty sure I looked terrible. I felt terrible.