Us At First
Page 10
“Bullshit! You didn’t want more from me until after you moved here. So, what? You want a relationship because it’s convenient now that we’re in the same city?”
“That’s not it! I tried dating other girls and I kept coming back to you, wishing they were you. I was ready for a relationship before I got traded, but since you’re so fucking content with how things are, I didn’t mention it. I took it as a sign when I got traded that it was time to act. I want you!”
“You lied to me! You’ve been here all this time and you haven’t said a word!”
“You would’ve freaked the hell out!” he shouts back at me. “Just like you are now. I’d bet all the money in my bank account that this is more of a problem because I’m here than because I lied. Don’t you love me, Sydney? Don’t you want to see how much better we’d be together if we were to take things further? Why is a relationship with me so terrible?” he finishes as he closes the distance between us, grabbing my hips.
“What’s so terrible about what we have now?”
“Don’t you want more? Don’t you want a relationship? A boyfriend? Someone to love you?” I squeeze my eyes closed as if that could keep his words from getting to me. “Babe, what are you so scared of? Come on. Tell me. Let’s get it all out right now.”
I stay quiet, not wanting to confront my fears. Ian pulls me against his chest, wrapping those strong arms around me. “I’m sorry I kept something like that from you. I promise it won’t happen again. I don’t want to lose you, so I’ve been cautious. I want you, Sydney, in every way possible. Please, explain to me why you don’t want the same thing.”
I knew if he touched me, I would lose my resolve. It crumbles so easily, it’s as if it was barely holding itself together to start with. “I don’t want to lose you,” I whisper.
Ian rests his hands on either side of my neck, placing his thumbs on my jaw to tilt my head back. “Being in a relationship with me is the opposite of losing me, gorgeous.”
“You don’t get it.” I try to look away, but he doesn’t let me.
“Then make me get it.”
“I’m supposed to be mad at you.” Maybe I can change the subject.
“Sydney.” One word in a low, warning tone that lets me know he’s not budging until I confess. The man is about as stubborn as they come.
I don’t get the chance.
“Mommy?”
Ian swivels around at the sound of Savannah’s voice. I pull away from him to go to her.
“What’s wrong, buttercup?”
“Who dat?”
I glance over my shoulder at Ian. He’s staring at her in wonder. “That’s Ian. How about we watch The Little Mermaid and see if you can fall back asleep?”
She nods, rubbing her eyes with one hand while I take the other and lead her to the couch. I switch over to the movie that stays in our DVD player. We get settled on the couch, Savannah leaning into me as she gets comfortable, and Ian still seems baffled.
“I don’t understand,” he says.
“Sit down.” I pat the cushion next to me. “It’s going to be a long night.” My hands tremble as he sits. It’s good that he’s going to know, but I’m so not ready to confront my issues and the consequences of my actions.
“You never said,” he says quietly.
“I know.”
“Is her father around?” he whispers.
God, he hasn’t put it together. Tears begin to fall and I take a deep breath. Looking him in the eye, I say, “He just found out about her.”
Understanding dawns in an instant. “Fuck. Sydney.”
“Ssh. Please wait until I can get her back in bed.” She’s already half asleep, but if I move her now, she’ll wake up again.
Instead, he stands and walks out of my apartment.
The tears fall faster and I hold my daughter closer to me. I should’ve told Ian the moment I reconnected with him, but I didn’t and the longer I didn’t tell him, the harder it was to find a way. It’s going to hurt Ian worse when he hears the full story. It’s such a cluster fuck.
Just as I stand to put her in bed thirty minutes later, the door to my apartment opens. He came back. Relief floods me. He’s worse for wear than when he left, however. Ian follows me to my room, watches me tuck her into one of the twin beds, and shakes his head in wonder.
The moment we’re back in the living room, he demands, “Start from the beginning.”
“You’re not going to like any of it.”
“I don’t fucking care.”
We sit on opposite ends of the couch. I angle toward him and take a deep breath. Ian refuses to look at me. He stares at the movie still playing on the TV.
“It happened the last time we were together, when you came to see me before my graduation. When I first found out, I was terrified about what I was going to do. I didn’t know what you would say or how it would work out, but I knew that you had to know even though we weren’t talking anymore. I had deleted your number from my phone, so I didn’t have that. Dad got your dad’s number for me.” Ian tenses. “I called him and asked him if he would get you to call me. That it was important because I was pregnant. I told him that if you didn’t want anything to do with the baby, then that was okay, but I wanted you to know. I never heard from you. I called him two more times and the second time, he said he told you. But I hadn’t heard from you, so I took that to mean that you wanted nothing to do with her. He even apologized to me.”
Ian starts shaking his head. “He never told me.”
“I realized that when you came back and wanted to talk to me. I thought that maybe you wanted to be a part of her life, but when you never mentioned her and only wanted us to be friends again, I knew he didn’t tell you. Then we started sleeping together whenever you were in town and you seemed like the same Ian to me. You hadn’t changed and you were living in a different country. I knew I needed to tell you, but I never managed to say the words. It didn’t help that you were wanting more from me and I didn’t know if I could trust you.”
“That’s no reason to keep my daughter from me!” he explodes. “Does she even know about me?”
“Well, she’s two—almost three. It’s hard to tell her she has a father and her to really understand the concept.”
His shoulders slump and he nods. “What’s her name?”
“Savannah.”
“Pretty.”
“Thank you.”
He nods. “She’s why you always meet me at the hotel, isn’t she?”
“Yeah.”
“You should’ve told me.”
“I know. I’m sorry, but I thought your father did and when you didn’t get in touch with me that you didn’t want anything to do with us.”
“You should know me better.” He finally looks at me.
“Well, I thought I knew your father enough that he would’ve told you I was pregnant, too. Why didn’t you tell me you became a pro player?”
“Fuck,” Ian curses. “My first season would’ve been when you called Dad to tell him. He probably thought I would fuck up my career.”
“Would you have?”
“No,” he immediately answers. “You could’ve come live with me; I’d just have to convince you to move to another country.” Ian sighs. “Fuck. Who would’ve wanted to move to another country alone with a new baby while her boyfriend would be working and traveling? Anyway, you never cared for sports and it’s just a job. It’s my dream job, yeah, but it’s just a job. I didn’t figure you’d care all that much.”
“Are you kidding me? Of course I care. That’s something huge that happened to you, Ian, and I missed it.” He’s living his dream and he didn’t think I would care? God, that hurts.
“Welcome to my life,” he mutters. He finds my gaze again. “Is she why you don’t want to be with me?”
“No.”
“Then why?”
“Does it matter? Can you honestly say that you still want a relationship with me now? I didn’t tell you that you have a daughter, Ian.”
I sigh. He’s too stubborn for his own good. “You hurt me, Ian. You cheated on someone else with me. I told you that I loved you and you were adamant that you didn’t love me back. That fucking hurt! And for a long time, you hurt me worse by rejecting me and my child until I figured out that you didn’t even know. It wasn’t easy to be friends with you again and then to start sleeping with you somewhat regularly. I’m comfortable with what we were because I got to have you without worrying about getting hurt. Anything more is too risky.”
“And you hate risks,” he supplies. “You do know that our entire relationship as it is right now is because of risks, right? The risk of talking to a stranger in an airport. The risk of continuing to talk and getting to know one another. The risk that that person would change over time. The risk I took when I kissed you and you kissed me back. The risk we took to sleep together and to continue that every time I was in town. We’re built on risks, gorgeous, and you know what? They all turned out to be worth it.”
“But it’s not just about me anymore, Ian.”
“Yeah,” he says with a nod. “We have a daughter.”
Oh my goodness. My heart just exploded. Good. Maybe it can stop giving me problems. “Do you want to get to know her?”
“Yes,” Ian answers immediately.
“If I introduce you to her, there’s no walking away. Whether we’re together or not in whatever capacity, you can’t walk away from her.”
He nods in understanding. Ian glances over his shoulder toward her room. “I don’t know how to be a father,” he says quietly.
“You’re in luck. I don’t know how to be a mother. I wing it.”
Ian laughs. “That shouldn’t comfort me, but it does.”
I smile and for a moment, it’s like we’re normal. Or, our version of it. It’s too much. He’s still pissed. I’m pissed, though his lies are nowhere near as bad as mine. Looking away, I take a deep breath. “You should go home. Absorb your new role in life. We’ll work something out for you to officially meet her.”
“Do you think she’ll like me?”
“Absolutely. I was going to tell you the next time I saw you, by the way.”
“It’s been almost two years since we started talking again, Sydney. Two years of you keeping it from me and not just my dad.” Ian shakes his head. “Pretty pissed at both of you.”
“I know.” Ian missed so much of Savannah’s life and part of that is my fault. “Stay right here.” I get up and go to my bedroom. A few moments later, I return with three photo albums. I set them in his lap. “You’ll see her grow up. There’s also her weight when she was born and that kind of thing.” I pause. “Her full name is Savannah Lynn Jarvis. I didn’t think you wanted anything to do with her, so I gave her my last name. Plus, without you there to sign the birth certificate, she got my last name anyway. We can get you added, I’m sure, if you want. I don’t know what we would have to do, but we could look into it.”
“Okay, thanks. I’m going to head home.”