Nightfall

by TK Lawyer

  She turned on her side, yawned and crooked one arm underneath her neck. “I don’t know, Josh. Suddenly, I’m so tired. Can I trust you?”

  “Yes. Always, Tamara. I’d never hurt you.” He waited for her response. When none came, he spoke up, needing her confirmation that it was okay for him to stay.

  “You said you wanted to feel protected,” Josh reminded her.

  She murmured her response into her pillow. “I want Nightfall.”

  He lowered his eyes with a faint sigh. “I don’t want to be the wolf; it will only set us back. But if that’s what you want, I’ll do it for you.”

  “Wait…” She held her hand out to him. “I guess I can trust you. You can sleep on the couch.”

  He smiled, kissed the back of her hand, and promptly left her side.

  The next day, Tamara lay wide awake in bed. Her head still buried between the pillows, Tamara stared up at the ceiling, re-visiting everything Josh told her last night. In between bathroom trips during the wee hours of the morning, she caught Josh’s sleeping form lying across her sofa. She still couldn’t believe the man she liked so long ago and met again last night was not only her cherished dog, Nightfall, but was, currently, resting mere steps away from her, in the living room.

  She lifted up in the bed, unsure if she wanted to re-visit the strange conversation they had last night, but knowing she had to—if only for her own peace of mind. When Tamara caught him stretching his arms up in the air and yawning, she called out to him, asking that he join her in the bedroom.

  He padded through her door and stopped mere inches in front of her. She looked at him, pensively, for long seconds before asking, “So…you’re Josh…and Nightfall?”

  He placed both hands atop her shoulders and affirmed, “Yes.”

  She looked deeply into his eyes and saw something she couldn’t explain. His eyes changed, shifting from human to something else. It was at that moment, she knew he was telling the truth.

  She caressed the side of his cheek. “Nightfall?”

  He lowered his head, and she rubbed the top of it, her heart welling with pride.

  “Oh, wow. You’re both so incredible.”

  “As are you. Incredible, that is. I’ve always thought so.”

  “You rescued me.”

  “And I’d do it again.”

  “I don’t know how to thank you.”

  Josh grinned, his eyes playing up with mischief. “I’m sure we can think of something.”

  Her eyes lowered. She fidgeted with her fingers. “I remember you asking me out on a date.”

  “Actually, I remember asking you out several times. Why didn’t you take me up on my offer?”

  She averted her gaze. “I couldn’t, I was scared. Still am. I can’t be with you, Josh.”

  “Why?”

  “Because I’m a mess. I’m no good for anyone. I can’t be in a relationship. I like you, and I want to be with you so badly, but I can’t even trust myself to tell who’s right for me and who’s not. Going out with Keith last night only proves that.” She shook her head. “You don’t want me, Josh. I’m a mess.”

  She turned away from him and sighed.

  “I’m so sorry. Please, just go. You don’t have to be Nightfall anymore.”

  Tamara cried, letting the tears streak wildly across her cheeks. Josh came at the worst time in her life. She’d been burned by too many men and she didn’t think she had it in her to go through another relationship that might end up another failure.

  “Sweetheart, please give us a chance,” Josh pleaded.

  She stepped back, ashamed and confused. He dropped his head slightly, with something akin to despair in his eyes. She didn’t mean to hurt Josh, but her heart couldn’t take any more loss. Somehow, she had to get through it. It was better than dating and giving her heart to someone who would only end up disappointing her, in the end.

  She had to shield her heart no matter the cost.

  Tamara didn’t want to endure long months of crying spells when he eventually left her. She wouldn’t go through it again. She couldn’t allow herself to experience any more emotional pain, even with someone as incredible as him. To protect herself, she had to come up with some kind of reason to kick him out, whether it was real or not. Maybe one day, she’d believe the excuse she was about to make up. That would make breaking things off with him much easier.

  “Tamara, I want to talk this out. Please, look at me. I love you.”

  Tamara did something she didn’t want to. She lied to Josh because he wouldn’t leave. She buried the nail in the coffin despite the ache in her heart telling her not to do so.

  “But I don’t love you.”

  She regretted the words the moment they slipped out of her mouth. The look in Josh’s eyes told her everything she needed to know… she broke his heart. She knew it, and she hated it. Yet, he wouldn’t let it go. He wouldn’t leave. It was better in the long run, for both of them.

  “I’m sorry you feel that way, but believe me when I say that I love you. I’ve loved you longer than you realize, since I first smelled your scent and recognized you were my life mate. I’ve seen your kindness, your generosity, and your loving, caring side. I love you for who you are and what you mean to me.”

  She lowered her eyes as more tears fell from them. “Thank you…for loving me that is, but I still can’t. My mind is made up. We can’t be together, Josh. Please, try to understand. It’s nothing against you, I’m just…I’m no good with anyone. I hate this as much as you do. Please, please just go. Take what you need and go.”

  Tamara slipped into the restroom and sighed while closing the door behind her and leaning back against the door. She buried her head in her hands and whimpered into them, uncaring whether or not Josh heard her.

  She said goodbye to him. The one man who could’ve been the one for her.

  But what would happen if she was wrong?

  Tamara shook her head as she wiped away a tear. She just couldn’t do it again.

  His voice cracked from the other side of the door as he struggled to form words. “Okay, I’ll respect your decision. I don’t want to go. I don’t want to leave you, but I will. I don’t understand why, but you clearly need some time to process this. If you change your mind, you know how to find me.” After a brief silence, Josh murmured more words. “You’re everything to me, Tamara. I want the best for you, even if it means I can’t be in your life.”

  The next thing she heard was his shoes walking across the wooden floorboards, then the front door closing with a slight bang.

  Tamara wept into her hands. What was she doing? The words had tumbled out of her mouth before she could take them back. The look in his eyes almost tore her apart. Her heart filled with a sad emptiness instead.

  Part of her wanted to throw open the door and call out to him, begging him to come back. She’d apologize profusely, and tell him it was a mistake, but he was already gone.

  You let a good one go.

  Her body sank to the floor, and she wept bitterly for her loss.

  - CHAPTER TWELVE -

  The days after Josh’s departure ticked by with slowness. Tamara spent many of those hours sitting in her living room amidst the vast emptiness of the house.

  She remained in dreadful, still silence with no watchful eyes staring at her from outside the bedroom.

  No one followed her around the house anymore. No one kept her company and begged for her attention.

  She held the cheddar cheese block in her hand and pictured Nightfall. Suddenly, the cheese fell out of her hand and onto the cutting board. Several stray tears opened a floodgate of despair. Crying seemed all she ever did anymore.

  Most nights, she sat on the couch weeping, wanting things to be different. Josh might’ve been the one, but she clumped him into the same category with every other loser she’d ever been with, and that was wrong. She should’ve given him a chance, but instead she put up walls like she always did, and now she was sorry. She missed him, and Nigh
tfall.

  She recalled their last encounter, and the lie which had inevitably led to his departure. She loved Josh, and no amount of words or separation would change that fact. Tamara pictured him in her mind--his incredible eyes and tender, sweet lips.

  How could he ever forgive her?

  ***

  Two weeks later, beads of sweat dotted across Tamara’s forehead in the middle of the night. Her heart beats escalated rapidly, the urge to shout out a name had her wanting to open her mouth, yet her stubborn lips wouldn’t obey. Instead, she called to him in her mind. She yelled out his name, and asked him to be with her, but he only sat still watching and judging her.

  Apologies flowed from her lips, repeating themselves in between pleas, to Josh’s ears. “Please, Josh, let me hold you. Stay with me...”

  Nightfall didn’t smile. He only stared at her as she continued her desperate pleas to him.

  She awoke with a start and fell back onto her bed. The intense pain from her nightmare left her reeling. She covered her face with her hands and groaned. The last few weeks without Nightfall, or as she now understood, Josh, were pure misery. She barely made it through the days, and today marked her sixth nightmare since he left. The dreams were detailed, vivid and so real they tore open the fresh wound of her fragile heart.

  She regretted everything and wished she could make it better again. If she were able to bring Josh back, she would without another thought. She checked nightly in anticipation of his return, but he never came.

  Tamara edged off the side of her bed and slipped her feet into slippers. She opened the bedroom door and walked into the unnaturally silent living room. When she made it to the front door, Tamara stopped and stared at it in longing with a marked sigh.

  “I miss you so much, Josh. I wish you’d come back.”

  Curiosity made her push the curtain aside for the second time. As her eyes adjusted to the darkness, Tamara gasped and jumped back in shock and delight as she found a large, furry being lying on her doorstep. Quickly, she ran over to the alarm, muffled the speaker, and punched in numbers.

  “Please don’t leave, please don’t leave,” she whispered, with a brief panicky tone to her voice.

  She willed him to stay, but worried about his superior hearing. The alarm system’s shrill tone would surely have him running off into the night if he was still mad at her. If he left again she would never be able to forgive herself. Her fingers trembled nervously as she fumbled with the numbers on the keypad.

  “Please be there, please.”

  Her heart raced as she rushed through opening the locks on her front door. Metal screeched harshly against metal, and she threw open the door wide to a greeting of, “Fault front door” to find Nightfall alert and his eyes wide open. He looked directly at her but remained still.

  Tamara froze, holding back the urge to rush to his side and throw her arms around him. Instead, she took a deep breath and walked up softly to kneel on the ground beside him. Every nerve was alight as she strove to contain her excitement, but Tamara’s emotions overwhelmed her. “Nightfall, er…I mean, Josh…I’m so glad you’re back, but why are you here?”

  Don’t worry, Tamara. I won’t intrude on you or barge into your house, and I don’t intend to bring up our past conversation. I just wanted to be close to you and I couldn’t think of another way. I’m sorry. I will leave now.

  Nightfall stood and turned away.

  As he moved to leave, Tamara panicked and reach out for him reflexively. “No!”

  He turned at the sound of her outburst and moved forward, inching his muzzle toward her. Josh’s golden-brown eyes, once sparkling and beautiful, now lacked something—like they were somehow hollow. Tamara searched within them to find the elusive words to describe the emptiness she found but couldn’t come up with anything that fit.

  “Josh…” She shook her head. “Please, don’t go. Come inside and let’s talk.”

  No. You’ve made your position clear. I have to go now.

  “Please, Josh,” Tamara pleaded. “I’m sorry I pushed you away. I want to apologize. These last few weeks have been miserable.”

  Their eyes met in uncomfortable silence, and she held her breath and waited. It was up to Josh now. Would he forgive her?

  I can’t wait around in a holding pattern while you’re making up your mind, Tamara. That isn’t fair to you, and it isn’t fair to me. You hurt me. I don’t want to go back into your house and be rejected again.

  Suddenly, the elusive word slammed into her; the one she was searching for—joy. His eyes lacked joy.

  Josh turned away from her abruptly. She slipped off him in surprise and fell onto the concrete, but moved quickly to regain composure. Tamara was determined not to let him go. She grabbed at him again, but this time she was only able to reach his tail. She held onto it with fierce determination.

  “Josh, I don’t want to hurt you either. but I will pull on your tail to keep you from running away from me. You don’t have to leave. I’ll go inside.” He looked back at her. “I’m serious, Josh. Please stay on my doorstep if you want. You are welcome to stay here as long as you like and every night just like you used to.” She lowered her eyes and bargained with him. “I swear if you don’t want me around, Josh, I’ll go back inside. You don’t have to deal with me, anymore. I’m sorry.”

  Tamara waited expectantly for Josh’s decision and whether a fresh start was possible or not.

  Let go of my tail, please.

  She lowered her shoulders in defeat, released his fur and waited for his fluffy butt to speed off into the night.

  I will stay here tonight, he told her, laying back on the floor.

  Tamara lifted her eyes with renewed hope. She shifted her weight uncomfortably, unsure what to do next. “Josh? Do you want me to stay with you, or…” Her mouth twitched. “Would you prefer I left?”

  I’ll leave that up to you.

  She reached her hand out and lovingly stroked his head until he jerked away from her, and his eyes flashed open.

  She recoiled, saying, “I’m sorry. I’m just used to being affectionate with Nightfall.”

  Tears rimmed her eyes as the weight of his rejection sank in. She didn’t want his rejection; she wanted his love. She wanted to make amends and repair the mess she caused. Yet, it seemed hopeless. Tamara stood up and wiped the dirt off her nightgown. A tear escaped and fell onto her robe, the first of many impending. She batted her eyelashes to clear the rest away.

  Her voice cracked as she attempted to say good-bye. “I’m sorry again, Josh. I was stupid, and I guess I’m paying for it now. I’ll leave you alone.”

  Another tear slipped down her cheek, and a third shortly followed. Tamara couldn’t fathom how, but she had to go on without him. He didn’t want her anymore. She wiped away the onrush of her tears with both hands, walked up to the door and turned the doorknob.

  Before she entered the home, Tamara swiveled toward him and said, “Whatever you do, Josh, please be happy. That’s all I want for you.”

  She stepped through the open doorway when her body suddenly jerked backwards. When she looked down, Tamara found the material of her nightgown gripped in Josh’s powerful jaw.

  Sit out here with me. He held onto the fabric until she complied.

  “Are you sure?”

  I wouldn’t ask you if I wasn’t.

  Was he giving her a second chance? She couldn’t tell. Regardless, her heart wouldn’t stop hammering hard from the idea of it. His eyes stayed on her as she sat next to him. She reached her hand over his head but hesitated with it in mid-air above him.

  You can go ahead. He lowered his head for her and sighed when her fingers ran through his fur.

  Suddenly, he lifted up and growled. Then he backed away from her and apologized for his lack of self-control.

  “That’s okay, Josh,” Tamara told him hesitantly, as she swallowed back the dry lump in her throat.

  He stepped up to her and stared straight down into her brown eyes. “N
o, it’s not. I can’t help it, Tamara. Your touch excites me, and I’m trying not to lose control.”

  Her eyes widened with his revelation and the sound of his husky, male voice.

  Damn, but he was good, even in wolf form.

  She happily sighed, grateful he’d forgiven her and thankful he gave her a second chance.

  ***

  A few days later, at exactly eleven p.m., Tamara pushed back the curtain to find Nightfall lying peacefully on her doorstep. With a broad smile, she unlocked the door to find his eyes on her and, directly in front of him, the biggest sunflower she’d ever seen in her life.

  “Is that for me?”

  I found it along the way. It looked lost, and I thought I’d bring it to you. I figured you’d know what to do with it.

  She clapped her hands together with a big smile on her face and grabbed the flower. “I love it! What a thoughtful surprise. You’re so wonderful.”

  He beamed with pride.

  “I’m going to go put this in water.” She turned and reached around for the doorknob but stopped, her hand hovering in mid-air. Tamara lowered her head and wrung her hands to calm her nerves. “Do you want to come inside?”

  His grin fell away.

  “Josh?”

  He stood up, stretching and arching his muscles into a truly formidable presence. His fur stood on end, and his voice boomed through her mind. Will you reject me again?

  She swallowed hard. “No.”

  He stared at her, unblinking.

  Tamara pleaded in the strained silence. “Josh, I promise you. This time it will be different. I don’t want to mess this up again; I promise I won’t reject you again.” She hesitated. “As long as you’re a gentleman, that is.”

  Josh’s frown turned into a wide grin. Then open the door.

  She shivered with delight and closed the door behind them.

  “No,” she responded, stopping him in his tracks before he sauntered over to the couch. “I’m inviting you in as Josh, not Nightfall. If you don’t have any clothes I’ll get you a towel or something to cover yourself with.”