by TK Lawyer
He lifted his weary legs and threw them over the side of the bed. Somehow, he found himself standing at his front door and looking out through the peephole. Part of him still didn’t expect to see her on the other side, but there she was. Tamara slid down the wall and sat on the floor, placing her purse on her lap. By the looks of things, she was in it for the long haul.
Josh tried, but he couldn’t see her anymore through the peephole—she was out of his line of sight. He laid his head against the door.
He was a strong wolf, capable of overtaking an entire pack if he wanted, but when it came to Tamara he broke apart into billions of smashed little pieces. Nevertheless, for some reason, he couldn’t say no to her, no matter how much he needed to.
With a heavy sigh, Josh unlatched the door and opened it. His hair was unkempt, and he was unshaved, wearing nothing but his pajama bottoms.
Tamara scrambled to her feet when she heard the door open. She gazed at him wide-eyed. “Why are you avoiding all my calls? The restaurant said you were sick. Are you really ill?”
Josh stood his ground and blocked the entrance with his lumbering body. “Tamara, I don’t have time for these questions. Actually, I don’t have the patience for them right now.”
She looked at him confused and tilted her head to the side. “But I’m worried about you. What are you trying to tell me, Josh? That you don’t want to talk to me when all I want to know is whether you’re okay? Why are you treating me so coldly? I don’t get it.” She shook her head and placed her hands on her hips. “I mean, you never call out sick.”
“I’m fine, Tamara.”
“You don’t look fine,” she shot back angrily, and then recanted. “I didn’t mean that. You’re always handsome. What I mean is, you look sad. I don’t understand what happened. Talk to me, please.”
“I don’t think this is going to work out.”
“Oh, God...” She looked at him in disbelief. “You’re breaking up with me?” Her hands flew to her chest, and her breathing became labored. “Josh, please don’t do this to me. Not because of last night. I care about you so much.”
“That’s just it,” he fired back with sudden strength. “I’m in love with you, and I want you to love me back the same way. It’s emotionally exhausting to feel like I’m the only one truly invested in our relationship, and I’m tired of waiting. It’s not fair keeping me at arm’s length when I’ve already given you my heart and soul. I’m tired of remaining patient, and actually, I’m just plain tired. It’s clear you don’t want to be with me, and I can’t…I can’t wait around for you to decide. I know that this is a big deal for you, but it is for me as well. I’m not good at dating casually. With me, it’s very much a full commitment. Either you’re in this with me completely, or you’re not.”
“But real love takes time!” she argued. “Maybe not with you because you have that wolf instinct, but in the real world it doesn’t work like that.”
Josh shook his head. “I’m tired. I can’t go on like this.”
Her hand shot out and stopped him from closing the door. “No, Josh. This isn’t fair. We need to talk about this.”
“Remove your hand, please.”
“No. Please let me come inside. If you’re sick, I’ll take care of you.”
“Either tell me how you feel, or leave.”
She swallowed hard and started with a heavy sigh. “Please don’t turn your back on me. You’re too important to me and…we’ve been through so much. You have a special place in my heart—you’re the only one I want to be with. I know that isn’t what you want to hear, but I need you in my life. Please don’t be angry at me for taking this commitment seriously. You mean so much to me—so…SO much.”
He smiled, slowly at first. Something stirred within him, and his shattered heart became whole again. There was hope, and where there was hope, there was a possibility—a glimmer of the future he envisioned with her. He hung onto that string of hope with both hands and decided a second chance was worth the risk. She was getting closer to saying, “Yes.”
Tamara looked scared, vulnerable, and for a minute Josh almost forgot himself. He wanted to hold her tightly in his arms. He wanted to reassure her the big bad wolf wasn’t going to eat her, but love her forever if she’d just commit to him. Instead, he held back and waited and hoped…
She blinked at him expectantly, still awaiting his response. “Josh? Can I come in, please?”
Josh snapped back into the present and told her, “Of course, where are my manners? Come in.”
He stepped out of the way and pulled the door further in, allowing her to step into an oversized, one bedroom studio apartment. A cushiony sofa sat directly in front of them while a round, wooden dining table, matching chairs and a cherry wood china cabinet that looked like it must’ve been from the nineteen-twenties filled the back of the room. The dining room led into a simple grey and white kitchen fitted with black and white colored appliances.
“Wow. This is your apartment?”
“Yes. What’s wrong?”
“Nothing. It’s just different from what I expected. It’s not fancy like your restaurant, just warm and comfortable. Like you.”
“I love you, Tamara.”
She lowered her eyes. “You really are wonderful.”
Tamara sat on the light-brown leather couch and patted the space beside her. “Do you need anything? Can I do anything to help you feel better?”
He grinned, thinking of several different ways she could, now that she needed him. “That’s a loaded question, but no. I’m not ill, I just didn’t feel like going to work today.”
She rubbed his arm soothingly. “You should’ve called me. I would’ve come right over. I don’t like to see you hurting.”
“You could commit to me. I guarantee I wouldn’t hurt anymore.”
She looked down at her hands. “Josh, I want to…but…”
“What’s holding you back? Explain it to me. What are you afraid of?”
There was a long pause. Would she ever let him in?
***
Tamara was scared.
She didn’t want to hurt anymore, and she wanted to tell Josh everything, but would he understand? Would he sympathize with her, or would he run away thinking she was too high maintenance when all she wanted was her love reciprocated?
A flashback hit her. This time it wasn’t her ex-fiancé, but an ex-boyfriend chatting with her on a leather loveseat. He was opening up to her and telling her things he never shared with his ex-wife in the ten years they’d been married. Tamara was astounded. She felt honored and privileged that he would confide in her so fully. She never felt closer to this man until that moment.
The next day, and every day after that, he grew colder and more distant until he faded from her life completely and into the arms of one of her friends. She relived the heavy pain lingering in her heart from the betrayal.
Would Josh disappear one day too? She wanted to curl up into a ball and cry her eyes out at the mere idea of Josh one day leaving her. But he was still here, sitting next to her on the couch, watching her and waiting for a response. He needed to know the truth of what she’d been through, he deserved that.
Tears rimmed her eyes as dark memories flooded her mind. “I know we haven’t talked about this, but I’ve been hurt many times before. I was engaged once…”
Josh’s jaw slackened. He looked dazed and hurt as if he’d received a strong, hard blow to the chest.
“He was a louse. Nine months of exciting, intense, almost obsessive dating, and then he left, telling me he suddenly needed his space. Then after several more months, he came back and begged for a second chance, telling me he missed his best friend.” She made a whiny, sarcastic noise. “He wrote me letters, showed up at my work, and did anything to win me back. I was just starting to move on with my life when he asked me back into his. Foolishly, I remained in love with him and gave him a second chance only to have my heart torn out again three months later. This time, though,
he broke up with me over the phone. I begged to speak with him in person, but he refused.” Her eyes dropped. “He broke my heart, Josh. He was my first boyfriend and my first in bed. It took me six long, painful years to get over him.”
Tears streamed down her cheeks as she remembered the pain and heartache, the sleepless, torturous nights dreaming about her ex, begging from the depths of her soul for him to come back to her. The endless guilt that she might’ve done something wrong but couldn’t correct it sliced through her heart with the most wicked of blades.
Josh reached for her, held her tightly in his arms. He stroked her hair and rocked her slowly as she continued to sob.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered gently. “I feel the intensity of your anguish, and I never want you to go through anything like that again. But you’re a strong woman, and you overcame it.” He kissed one side of her head. “I understand why you feel the way you do. You love deeply. When you give your heart, you truly give it away. That’s why it hurts so bad when someone disappoints you. I know, because I’m that way too.”
Josh kissed her forehead and continued holding her until her sobs weakened.
She blinked, clearing the tears from her eyes. Josh pulled her closer and whispered. “I want to kiss away all your tears and make you smile.”
Tamara blubbered against Josh’s chest. She lifted up with teary eyes and said, “That’s the sweetest thing anyone’s ever said to me.” She paused. “Josh, I want you to know when I say I really like you, I mean it. Don’t take my words lightly because it’s taken me a long time to trust again. I care for you a lot, and I don’t like to see you hurt, but I just can’t give you any more right now. I’m still protecting myself, shielding my heart when I probably shouldn’t be. It’s just a reflex, a reaction, and I’m sorry. I know I’ve built a fortress of walls around me, but since I met you, I’ve been slowly lowering the layers. I just don’t know when I will tear the rest of them down.”
He kissed her cheek. “I understand, Darling. I love you, and it’s okay if you can’t say the words back to me. It doesn’t change the way I feel about you.”
Josh reached for her again, pulling her close. Her head fell against his shoulder, and she cried. She wiped her tears and stammered. “That bastard! That damn bastard.”
Josh kissed her tears away and stroked her hair. He held Tamara in a death grip, but, oddly, she felt comfortable and safe.
“Please don’t give up on me, Josh. Not yet.”
Revealing to Josh, her scarred, battered heart was difficult. She was placing her trust in him that he was different, but doing this left her heart open, naked, and vulnerable. Putting herself in this position with another man scared her more than anything. But in the end, Josh was worth the risk. He had to be. He wasn’t playing with her like her previous ex’s, and she didn’t want to lose him. She sighed once, dropped her protective wall down a notch or two, and took a chance that Josh wouldn’t cut her down.
“Today was absolutely miserable for me. I’m deeply in love with you, Tamara. You’re the one for me, the only one. Now that you’ve shared with me the reason you’ve been holding back, I can’t leave you—not until I give you a true chance to be with me. I know we’ll be happy together, because I’ll do anything to bring a smile to your face—anything Tamara.”
He stroked her hair and tightened his grip around her. She hugged his arms closer to her and kissed the back of his hands. They stayed still and silent, holding each other for a long while.
***
Josh swept his fingers through Tamara’s hair and waited till she grew silent. He understood why Tamara had been keeping him at arms-length and hesitated to commit to anyone. She’d been broken. He’d rebuild her confidence.
Snuggling within his arms, Tamara’s tears eventually ceased. The remnants were dried and long gone, though possibly not forgotten. Josh traced his finger across her lips, and Tamara surprised him by snaking her tongue out to lick the tip of it. He bent down and rewarded her with a kiss that turned urgent. Crushing her beneath him, Tamara moaned with delight while he thoroughly explored her welcoming, supple mouth. When he came away from her lips, they were both panting.
She sighed with a smile and relaxed back into his arms. He cuddled her with a satisfied grin.
Later, Josh decided to prepare dinner. Tamara didn’t enjoy cooking, but he did, and tonight’s meal was going to be special.
She grimaced, asking, “Do you need help?”
Josh chuckled and kissed her on the cheek, while pointing to the entrance of the kitchen. “Don’t worry about it. I’ve got everything taken care of.” Tamara made a show of protesting, and Josh placed his arms on her shoulders while walking her out of the kitchen and said, “Seriously, let me cook for you.”
She grinned and gave him a peck on the cheek. “Okay, okay.”
He returned to preparing the meal. Taking out a frying pan, he mixed wine with mushrooms, olive oil, and other spices. He added several boneless chicken breasts, browned them, added the sauce, and covered the skillet to let it simmer.
Tamara craned her neck, saying, “Ooh, something smells really good. What is it?”
“It’s a surprise.” Josh held his hand out to stop her when she started getting up from the couch. “Don’t you dare come over here to see what I’m cooking. If you leave that couch, I’ll be forced to stop dinner and make you stay there.”
Defiantly, she stood up off the couch and came toward him. “Oh, now that’s a threat, I wouldn’t mind testing.”
Spatula in hand, he leaned forward and growled. Tamara’s lips curved upward, and her eyes sparkled with mischief. She smiled a tease of a grin and directly challenged him.
“Vixen. Who’s rotten now?”
Tamara laughed. He was enjoying this sexy side of her. Earlier this evening, they engaged in stimulating, heated foreplay but nothing else. He hungered for her, and she was playing with fire. If she wanted to frolic with him, he’d continue the sensual game they started and take them straight to the triumphant finish line.
His eyes darkened with lust. “Tamara, I’m warning you now that if you don’t stop, I won’t be held accountable for what I will do to you.”
Her eyes widened in alarm.
Josh waited for her to decide what to do next. One signal from her, and he’d have her on her back in thirty seconds or less. He stared at her and telepathically relayed to her his desire.
Dare me to take you, Tamara. Dare me, please.
He’d drop the spatula and launch himself over the kitchen counter before she even finished saying his name. Unfortunately, she didn’t take him up on his offer. Tamara sat back down on the couch and Josh adjusted the seat of his pants while grumbling in disappointment. He turned the burners back on with a frown and continued cooking the meal.
After several more minutes, he announced, “Dinners ready.”
Playfully, he bowed at the dining room table and slid out a chair for her as she approached.
She looked down at the feast he prepared, and her eyes brightened. “You made me Chicken Marsala!”
“You said you liked it. I hope you like my version, it’s a little different than the restaurant’s.”
She held his hand across the table and squeezed it. Taking a bite of the chicken, Tamara moaned with pleasure. She closed her eyes, chewing and uttering delightful little sounds.
If he’d known she was going to enjoy the meal this much, he would’ve made it sooner. Enraptured, he watched her enjoy her first bite.
If she’s going to continue doing this every time she takes a bite, I’m not going to be able to hold back, Josh told himself.
She lifted her eyes to meet his gaze. Josh licked the sides of his lips and watched her. He was salivating, but it wasn’t because of the meal—at least not the one he prepared tonight. Josh suddenly wiped his mouth while she covered hers.
“I’m sorry. Was I making those sounds? I couldn’t help myself. The meal is delicious.”
He cleared his thr
oat. The tone of his voice was gruff. “I noticed.”
***
Tamara slipped into a midnight-blue nightgown Josh liked. She recalled how empty, cold, and lonely the house was last night without him. Having his car in her driveway again where it belonged was wonderful. She ran her fingers under the thin straps of her nightgown and turned left and right, admiring in the mirror how it accentuated her shape. Gingerly, she opened the bedroom door to find Josh’s eyes shift swiftly to her gown and then slam upward to her chest. He swallowed hard and continued to stare at her while she sat next to him on the couch.
“Are you sure that’s a wise choice to wear around me? Shouldn’t you have a robe on?”
“Why? Do you want me to put a robe on?” Tamara teased. She couldn’t help it; Josh brought out the naughtiness in her.
He blinked. “Not particularly, but I think it might be wise.”
She relented, went to grab a robe, and covered herself.
Tamara stretched across the couch over Josh’s lap while one of the sports channels engaged Josh’s interest. He stroked his fingers through her hair and kept up a soothing rhythm, which soon had her falling asleep.
Tamara awoke in the middle of the night, surprised to find she was lying across one of Josh’s thighs. Josh was sitting upright with his head cradled into a sofa cushion. She lifted herself up carefully and padded to the bedroom when a wicked idea came to her. Turning in mid-stride, she found Josh still sleeping soundly and sexy as ever.
Tiptoeing back to the couch, she decided to indulge and do something dangerously naughty. She pulled up the edge of her nightgown and straddled his lap. Placing her hands aside his shoulders, she lowered her lips until they almost touched his. She moved her lips over his cheek and let her warm breath caress across his skin for several seconds before she moved over his right ear to whisper his name into it. She only exhaled when she saw his eyes suddenly flash open.
Before she had a chance to think, his arms surrounded her back and cupped her bottom. He swiftly flipped her off him and onto the carpet. She gasped, and her eyes went wide. Her back hit the carpet with her legs wildly up into the air. Josh straddled her body, efficiently, on all fours.
