In Camp With A Tin Soldier

by John Kendrick Bangs

  CHAPTER VI.

  THE CORPORAL'S FAIRY STORY.

  Jimmieboy had not long to search for the corporal. He found that worthyin a very few minutes, lying fast asleep under a tree some twenty orthirty rods down the road, snoring away as if his life depended upon it.It was quite evident that the poor fellow was worn out with hisexertions, and Jimmieboy respected his weariness, and restrained hisstrong impulse to awaken him.

  His consideration for the tired soldier was not without its reward, foras Jimmieboy listened the corporal's snores took semblance to words,which, as he remembered them, the snores of his papa in the earlymorning had never done. Indeed, Jimmieboy and his small brother Russwere agreed on the one point that their father's snores were about themost uninteresting, uncalled for, unmeaning sounds in the world, which,no doubt, was why they made it a point to interrupt them on everypossible occasion. The novelty of the present situation was delightfulto the little general. To be able to stand there and comprehend what itwas the corporal was snoring so vociferously, was most pleasing, and hewas still further entertained to note that it was nothing less than arollicking song that was having its sweetness wasted upon the desert airby the sleeping officer before him.

  This is the song that Jimmieboy heard:

  "I would not be a man of peace, Oh, no-ho-ho--not I; But give me battles without cease; Give me grim war with no release, Or let me die-hi-hi.

  I love the frightful things we eat In times of war-or-or; The biscuit tough, the granite meat, And hard green apples are a treat Which I adore-dor-dor.

  I love the sound of roaring guns Upon my e-e-ears, I love in routs the lengthy runs, I do not mind the stupid puns Of dull-ull grenadiers.

  I should not weep to lose a limb, An arm, or thumb-bum-bum. I laugh with glee to hear the zim Of shells that make my chance seem slim Of getting safe back hum.

  Just let me sniff gunpowder in My nasal fee-a-ture, And I will ever sing and grin. To me sweet music is the din Of war, you may be sure."

  "Well, I declare!" cried Jimmieboy. "If my dear old papa could snoresongs like that, wouldn't I let him sleep mornings!"

  "He does," snored the corporal. "The only trouble is he doesn't snore asclearly as I do. It takes long practice to become a fluent snorer likemyself--that is to say, a snorer who can be understood by any onewhatever his age, nation, or position in life. That song I have justsnored for you could be understood by a Zulu just as well as youunderstood it, because a snore is exactly the same in Zuluese as it isin your language or any other--in which respect it resembles a cup ofcoffee or a canary-bird."

  "Are you still snoring, or is this English you are speaking?" askedJimmieboy.

  "Snoring; and that proves just what I said, for you understood me justas plainly as though I had spoken in English," returned the corporal,his eyes still tightly closed in sleep.

  "Snore me another poem," said Jimmieboy.

  "No, I won't do that; but if you wish me to I'll snore you a fairytale," answered the corporal.

  "That will be lovely," said Jimmieboy. "I love fairy tales."

  "Very well," observed the corporal, turning over on his back andthrowing his head back into an uncomfortable position so that he couldsnore more loudly. "Here goes. Once upon a time there was a small boynamed Tom whose parents were so poor and so honest that they could notafford to give him money enough to go to the circus when it came totown, which made him very wretched and unhappy, because all the otherlittle boys who lived thereabouts were more fortunately situated, andhad bought tickets for the very first performance. Tom cried all nightand went about the town moaning all day, for he did want to see theelephant whose picture was on the fences that could hold itself up onits hind tail; the man who could toss five-hundred-pound cannon balls inthe air and catch them on top of his head as they came down; the trickhorse that could jump over a fence forty feet high without disturbingthe two-year-old wonder Pattycake who sat in a rocking-chair on hisback. As Tom very well said, these were things one had to see tobelieve, and now they were coming, and just because he could not getfifty cents he could not see them.

  "Then he thought, 'Here! why can't I go out into the world, and by hardwork earn the fifty cents I so much need to take me through the doors ofthe circus tent into the presence of these marvelous creatures?'

  "And he went out and called upon a great lawyer and asked him if he didnot want a partner in his business for a day, but the lawyer onlylaughed and told him to go to the doctor and ask him. So Tom went to thedoctor, and the doctor said he did not want a partner, but he did want aboy to take medicines for him and tell him what they tasted like, and hepromised Tom fifty cents if he would be that boy for a day, and Tom saidhe would try.

  "Then the doctor got out his medicine-chest and gave Tom twelve bottlesof medicine, and told him to taste each one of them, and Tom tasted twoof them, and decided that he would rather do without the circus thantaste the rest, so the doctor bade him farewell, and Tom went to lookfor something else to do. As he walked disconsolately down the streetand saw by the clock that it was nearly eleven o'clock, he made up hismind that he would think no more about the circus, but would go home andstudy arithmetic instead, the chance of his being able to earn thefifty cents seemed so very slight. So he turned back, and was about togo to his home, when he caught sight of another circus poster, whichshowed how the fiery, untamed giraffe caught cocoanuts in his mouth--thecocoanuts being fired out of a cannon set off by a clown who looked asif he could make a joke that would make an owl laugh. This was too muchfor Tom. He couldn't miss that without at least making one furthereffort to earn the money that would pay for his ticket.

  "So off he started again in search of profitable employment. He had notgone far when he came to a crockery shop, and on stopping to look in thelarge shop window at the beautiful dishes and graceful soup tureens thatwere to be seen there, he saw a sign on which was written in greatgolden letters 'BOY WANTED.' Now Tom could not read, but something toldhim that that sign was a good omen for him, so he went into the shop andasked if they had any work that a boy of his size could do.

  "'Yes,' said the owner of the shop. 'We want an errand-boy. Are you anerrand-boy?'

  "Tom answered bravely that he thought he was, and the man said he wouldgive him a trial anyhow, and sent him off on a sample errand, tellinghim that if he did that one properly, he would pay him fifty cents aday for as many days as he kept him, giving him a half holiday on allcircus-days. Tom was delighted, and started off gleefully to performthe sample errand, which was to take a basketful of china plates to thehouse of a rich merchant who lived four miles back in the country.Bravely the little fellow plodded along until he came to the gate-wayof the rich man's place, when so overcome was he with happiness atgetting something to do that he could not wait to get the gate open,but leaped like a deer clear over the topmost pickets. But, alas! hisvery happiness was his ruin, for as he landed on the other side thechina plates flew out of the basket in every direction, and falling onthe hard gravel path were broken every one."

  "Dear me!" cried Jimmieboy, sympathetically. "Poor little Tom."

  "Whereat the cow Remarked, 'Pray how-- If what you say is true-- How should the child, However mild, Become so wildly blue?'"

  snored the corporal.

  "What's the matter with you?" asked Jimmieboy, very much surprised atthe rhyme, which, so far as he could see, had nothing to do with thefairy story.

  "What's the matter with me?" returned the corporal. "Nothing. Why?"

  "There wasn't anything about a cow in the fairy story you were tellingabout Tom," said Jimmieboy.

  "Was I telling that story about Tom?" asked the sleeping soldier.

  "Certainly," replied Jimmieboy.

  "Then you must have interrupted me," snored the corporal. "You mustnever interrupt a person who is snoring until he gets throu
gh, becausethe chances are nine out of ten that, being asleep, he won't rememberwhat he has been snoring about, and will go off on something elseentirely. Where was I when you interrupted?"

  "You had got to where Tom jumped over the gate and broke all the chinaplates," answered Jimmieboy.

  "Very well, then. I'll go on, but don't you say another thing until Ihave finished," said the corporal. Then resuming his story, he snoredaway as follows: "And falling on the hard gravel path the plates werebroken every one, which was awfully sad, as any one could understandwho could see how the poor little fellow threw himself down on the grassand wept. Dear me, how he wept! He wept so long and such great tears,that the grass about him for yards and yards looked as fresh and greenas though there had been a rain-storm.

  "'Oh, dear! what shall I do?' cried Tom, ruefully regarding theshattered plates. 'They'll beat me if I go back to the shop, and I'llnever get to see the circus after all.'

  "'No,' said a voice. 'They will not beat you, and I will see that youget to the circus.'

  "'Who are you?' asked Tom, looking up and seeing before him a beautifullady, who looked as if she might be a part of the circus herself. 'Areyou the lady with the iron jaw or the horseback lady that jumps throughhoops of fire?'

  "'Neither,' replied the lady. 'I am your Fairy Godmother, and I havecome to tell you that if you will gather up the broken plates and takethem up to the great house yonder, I will fix it so that you can go tothe circus.'

  "'Won't they scold me for breaking the plates?' asked Tom, his eyesbrightening and his tears drying.

  "'Take them and see,' said the Fairy Godmother, and Tom, who was alwaysan obedient lad, did as he was told. He gathered up the broken plates,put them in his basket, and went up to the house.

  "'Here are your plates,' he said, all of a tremble as he entered.

  "'Let's see if any of them are broken,' said the merchant in a voice sogruff that Tom trembled all the harder. Surely he was now in worsetrouble than ever.

  "'H'm!' said the rich man taking one out and looking at it. 'That seemsto be all right.'

  "'Yes,' said Tom, meekly, surprised to note that the plate was as goodas ever. 'It has been very neatly mended.'

  "'Very what?' roared the rich man, who didn't want mended plates. 'Didyou say mended?'

  "'Oh, no, sir!' stammered Tom, who saw that he had made a bad mistake.'That is, I didn't mean to say mended. I meant to say that they'd beenvery highly recommended.'

  "'Oh! Recommended, eh?' returned the rich man more calmly. 'That'sdifferent. The rest of them seem to be all right, too. Here, take yourbasket and go along with you. Good-by!'

  "And so Tom left the merchant's house very much pleased to have got outof his scrape so easily, and feeling very grateful to his FairyGodmother for having helped him.

  "'Well,' said she, when he got back to the gate where she was awaitinghim, 'was everything all right?'

  "'Yes,' said Tom, happily. 'The plates were all right, and now they areall left.'

  "The Fairy Godmother laughed and said he was a bright boy, and then sheasked him which he would rather do: pay fifty cents to go to the circusonce, or wear the coat of invisibility and walk in and out as many timesas he wanted to. To this Tom, who was a real boy, and preferred going tothe circus six times to going only once, replied that as he was afraidhe might lose the fifty cents he thought he would take the coat, thoughhe also thought, he said, if his dear Fairy Godmother could find it inher heart to let him have both the coat and the fifty cents he couldfind use for them.

  "At this the Fairy Godmother laughed again, and said she guessed hecould, and, giving him two shining silver quarters and the coat ofinvisibility, she made a mysterious remark, which he could notunderstand, and disappeared. Tom kissed his hand toward the spot whereshe had stood, now vacant, and ran gleefully homeward, happy as a bird,for he had at last succeeded in obtaining the means for his visit to thecircus. That night, so excited was he, he hardly slept a wink, and evenwhen he did sleep, he dreamed of such unpleasant things as the bittermedicines of the doctor and the broken plates, so that it was just aswell he should spend the greater part of the night awake.

  "His excitement continued until the hour for going to the circusarrived, when he put on his coat of invisibility and started. To testthe effect of the coat he approached one of his chums, who was standingin the middle of the long line of boys waiting for the doors to open,and tweaked his nose, deciding from the expression on his friend'sface--one of astonishment, alarm, and mystification--that he really wasinvisible, and so, proceeding to the gates, he passed by theticket-taker into the tent without interference from any one. It wassimply lovely; all the seats in the place were unoccupied, and he couldhave his choice of them. Surely nobody could ask for anything better.

  "You may be sure he chose one well down in front, so that he should missno part of the performance, and then he waited for the beginning of thevery wonderful series of things that were to come.

  "Alas! poor Tom was again doomed to a very mortifying disappointment. Heforgot that his invisibility made his lovely front seat appear to beunoccupied, and while he was looking off in another direction a great,heavy, fat man entered and sat down upon him, squeezing him so hard thathe could scarcely breathe, and as for howling, that was altogether outof the question, and there through the whole performance the fat mansat, and the invisible Tom saw not one of the marvelous acts or thewonderful animals, and, what was worse, when a joke was got off hecouldn't see whether it was by the clown or the ring-master, and sodidn't know when to laugh even if he had wanted to. It was the mostdreadful disappointment Tom ever had, and he went home crying, and spentthe night groaning and moaning with sorrow.

  "It was not until he began to dress for breakfast next morning, and histwo beautiful quarters rolled out of his pocket on the floor, that heremembered he still had the means to go again. When he had made thisdiscovery he became happy once more, and started off with his invisiblecoat hanging over his arm, and paid his way in for the second and lastperformance like all the other boys. This time he saw all there was tobe seen, and was full of happiness, until the lions' cage was broughtin, when he thought it would be a fine thing to put on his invisiblecoat, and enter the cage with the lion-tamer, which he did, having soexciting a time looking at the lions and keeping out of their way thathe forgot to watch the tamer when he went out, so that finally when thecircus was all over Tom found himself locked in the cage with the lionswith nothing but raw meat to eat. This was bad enough, but what wasworse, the next city in which the circus was to exhibit was hundreds ofmiles away from the town in which Tom lived, and no one was expected toopen the cage doors again for four weeks.

  "When Tom heard this he was frightened to death almost, and rather thanspend all that time shut up in a small cage with the kings of thebeasts, he threw off the coat of invisibility and shrieked, and then--"

  "Yes--then what?" cried Jimmieboy, breathlessly, so excited that hecould not help interrupting the corporal, despite the story-teller'swarning.

  "The bull-dog said he thought it might, But pussy she said 'Nay,' At which the unicorn took fright, And stole a bale of hay,"

  snored the corporal with a yawn.

  "That can't be it! that can't be it!" cried Jimmieboy, so excited tohear what happened to little Tom in the lions' cage that he began toshake the corporal almost fiercely.

  "What can't be what?" asked the corporal, sitting up and opening hiseyes. "What are you trying to talk about, general?"

  "Tom--and the circus--what happened to him in the lions' cage when hetook off his coat?" cried Jimmieboy.

  "Tom? And the circus? I don't know anything about any Tom or anycircus," replied the corporal, with a sleepy nod.

  "But you've just been snoring to me about it," remonstrated Jimmieboy.

  "Don't remember it at all," said the corporal. "I must have been asleepand dreamed it, or else you did, or maybe both of us did; but tell me,general, in confidence now, and don't ever tell anybody
Iasked you, have you such a thing as a--as a gum-drop in your pocket?"

  And Jimmieboy was so put out with the corporal for waking up just atthe wrong time that he wouldn't answer him, but turned on his heel, andwalked away very much concerned in his mind as to the possible fate ofpoor little Tom.