Bittersweet Deceit

by Blakely Bennett

  “Fuck, shit, fuck,” I muttered.

  The woman in front of me turned around again.

  “What?” I said, throwing up my hands.

  Two stalls became available at once and I quickly slipped into the middle one. There were no covers so I lay out toilet paper to cover the seat. After peeing, I washed my hands. I tried to quickly pass the bar where Jacqs and Stay sat.

  Stay caught my arm and said, “Where are you going?”

  “I have to make a call. I’ll be right back.” I raced out the front of the club and texted Mason, hoping it wasn’t too late.

  Me: Are you still there? I’m sorry I haven’t responded sooner. I was in a loud club and I didn’t hear my phone. Please still be there.

  I tromped back and forth in front of the door to CroBar, waiting. I should have stayed home. Now I couldn’t be sure when I’d hear from him again. He probably thinks I don’t want him anymore. Panic and fear washed over me and I wanted to run. To where, I had no idea. Away from the club maybe or away from myself and the feelings that threatened to do me under.

  “Come on, call me. Please call.” So intent on watching the screen on my phone, I almost walked into someone who had opened the door to club.

  I paced away from the entrance and when I circled back it opened again. Stay came out.

  I lurched my head back, breathed out heavily, and faltered over to him.

  He held out his hands as if to ward off an assault. “Jacqs sent me to check on you.” His compassionate eyes scanned my expression. “What is it?”

  “You don’t want to know.” I could feel the corners of my mouth turning down. When he looked at me like that, it was if all the barriers around my heart fell away and I stood there in front of him unprotected. “Stop it.”

  “Stop what?”

  “Whatever it is that you’re doing to me, and stop looking at me like that.” I felt young and vulnerable standing in front of him.

  “Like what?”

  “Like you want to hold me in your arms and make me better.”

  He stepped closer and said, “Just let me be your friend, Lainie. That’s all I’m asking.”

  “No, it’s not. I thought you didn’t lie. Just tell Jacqs I’m fine and I’ll be in, in a minute.”

  He didn’t listen to me. Not at all. He wrapped his strong arms around me and I gave in.

  “I’m not going to cry,” I said.

  “Shh,” he whispered. He held me against him and stroked my hair.

  Resting my head against his chest, I asked, “Why can’t you stop being so nice to me?”

  “I don’t know,” he said, tightening his hold on me.

  “I’m just going to break your heart.”

  He rocked us and said, “I know.”

  That caused me to cry, and I wasn’t sure who I was crying for. Myself? Mason? Stay? How could my heart be breaking for a man I had never loved? Something was really wrong with me. I used to think the one thing that would truly make me happy in life was a relationship with a man, but now look at me. I’m a fucked up mess. Maybe I’m better off abstaining from love like Stay abstained from alcohol.

  My phone chirped and I looked up into Stay’s deep-blue eyes. “I need to take this.”

  “I’ll see you in side,” he said, but he didn’t let go of me right away.

  “I really need—”

  “Okay.” When he walked away my heart wrenched but I still hurriedly checked my messages.

  MM: He’s there, isn’t he?

  I texted back:

  Me: I came out as a favor to Jacqs.

  MM: I’ll take that as a yes.

  Me: Please Mason, don’t do that.

  MM: I’m going out of town and leaving Sunday night. If you still want to see me, I’m coming in Tuesday around midnight and I’m not expected home until the evening. Can you make time for me?

  Me: Of course I want to see you. I miss you already. I hate how today went and I wish we could do it over.

  MM: Let’s just try to move forward from here. I have to go in a minute. Victoria thinks I’m on a work call.

  He wrote try, as if there might be some doubt.

  Me: Will I hear from you before Tuesday?

  MM: I’ll stay in touch. Lainie?

  Me: What?

  MM: Don’t do anything with the boy. I don’t think I could get past that.

  Me: I won’t.

  MM: Love you, baby.

  Me: Bye, Mason.

  “Holy fucking piss shit goddamn hell,” I mumbled. Apparently I’d come down with Tourette syndrome on top of everything else. I circled around a couple of times and finally pulled the door open and headed back to my seat.

  The new tequila sunrise sat on the bar sweating and calling my name. Stay who sat next to Jacqs shifted off my stool onto his. I took a long drink before acknowledging either of them.

  The music lowered and Bond’s voice came over the microphone. “This next song, Feel So Close by Calvin Harris is by request for my good man, Stayman. Bring me a beer dude!” And then he laughed and so did everyone else in the bar.

  “Go dance,” Jacqs said. “I’ll take care of his drink.”

  “Come on, OCDC, we need to boogie off some of the stress.”

  I let Stay lead me out on the dance floor and said, “Why this song?”

  “You know why.”

  “You’re going to keep wooing me even though I don’t want you to?”

  “Yes. Just shut up and dance.”

  “Excuse me?” I yelped but then he swept me up in his arms, and led me around the dance floor, making me forget my indignation.

  When the song finally ended, I said, “You’re in denial, you know.”

  “How do you mean?” he said, taking my hand in his.

  “The lyrics to the song.” I tried to pull my hand free, but he wouldn’t let me. I didn’t try very hard.

  “I told you, OC, I have a loyalty problem.”

  “And I told you, I have a Mason problem. Well, not a problem but my heart is wrapped up elsewhere.”

  “That’s just a matter of untangling and it’s already begun.”

  I pushed against him and said, “It seems to me that you are fascinated with your bittersweet deceit.”

  “And who am I deceiving?”

  “Yourself.”

  He caught me in his arms and then took me completely by surprise. His mouth descended on mine and instead of ravishing my lips, he lightly kissed them.

  And I let him. I cleared my throat when he pulled away. What the hell is wrong with me?

  “Don’t do that OC. I can see that look. It’s not wrong.”

  “You don’t know what you’re saying. Our friendship is already hurting my relationship. We had our first fight ever over you.” Then I really shoved him. “Get that self-satisfied look off your face!”

  “Whoa, Lane, settle down,” he said, waving his hands in a downward motion. His cheeky smile gave him away.

  When we walked back to the bar, we found Jacqs’s chair empty.

  Most of the ice in my drink had already melted, but I didn’t care. I took the last swallow of the cocktail. When Stay sat next to me I said, “I’m going to see Mason again.”

  “I’m sure you are,” he said. There was no smile left on his lips or in his eyes.

  “I feel like I’m using you and I don’t like it. I don’t like how it makes me feel. I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want to hurt anyone.” I held up my hand and Frank held up one finger in question. I looked at Jacqs empty glass and gave him the peace sign. Frank nodded.

  Stay squeezed the lime into his club soda and then looked at me. “Let me worry about me. Trust me; I know what I’m doing. I know what I’m getting myself into and I’m willing to take the risk.”

  “And if it all turns to hell? Then what? It’s awkward each time we cross paths?” I lay my head in my hand and continued, “I don’t think I have ever understood Jacqs better than I do right at this moment.”

  His big war
m hand touched my back and I flinched. He kept it there and said, “Let me in. Give me a chance. That’s all I’m asking.”

  “Do you know how much that is? It’s too much. I can’t. I’m in love.” I glanced up and saw sadness in his eyes. “God, Stay, stop making me hurt you. I can’t stand it.”

  He stood up behind me and gathered my hair onto my back. His strong hands began kneading my shoulders. “The only thing that will hurt me is if you don’t give us a chance,” he said close to my ear. His breath tickled my neck and when my body responded, I silently cursed myself.

  He continued, “There’s something intense and powerful between us. I know you know it. I know you feel it. I won’t dismiss it.” He circled my stool toward him and stood over me. His hands cupped my face and tilted my head up. The ferocity in his blue eyes stole my breath.

  “Stay I...” My pussy throbbed and my breathing deepened. I wanted to look away, I couldn’t look away. Then I didn’t want to. “Please,” I pleaded, only I didn’t know what I was asking for.

  That time when he lowered his lips to mine, all the sexual tension that had been building between us exploded in the most infernal kiss of my life. At first he leaned over me but then he lifted me too him and I let him. Our bodies melded together perfectly, his hands cupping my ass and pulling me tightly against his aroused body.

  When we briefly broke for air, I mumbled, “Oh.”

  He said nothing at first, but his face spoke volumes. He looked high and crazed, his eyes bouncing around, scanning my face. “Oh, OC, I can’t stop.” And he didn’t.

  With an audience of the whole bar, I gave myself over to Stay, not thinking about the consequences that would befall me. His energy captivated me so fully, I forgot about everything but the feel of his lips on mine, his tongue taking me on a journey of sensation. He shifted his hands to my head and angled my face so he could deepen the kiss further.

  I felt wetness gathering in my panties and on my cheeks. It didn’t stop or deter me. Instead, I pushed myself into him, as if our bodies could merge. In his arms, overcome by his kiss, there was no other place I wanted to be.

  We might have remained glued together for the rest of the night if it wasn’t for Jacqs tugging on my sleeve.

  “Lainie, so sorry to interrupt, truly, but Frank has been trying to break you apart for a few minutes. You’re creating quite the scene plus you’re blocking the way by.”

  I looked around and several people stared back including the couple that was waiting to get past us. “I’m sorry,” I mumbled, both Stay and I shifting out of their way.

  They quickly passed by.

  Stay still held me as I started to shake. “I have to go, I need to leave.”

  In a soft voice he said, “It’s okay, Lane.”

  “It’s not,” I said, pulling away. “It really isn’t. Jacqs, come outside with me?”

  “Yes, girl, of course.” As soon as we stepped outside, she said, “Boy, Lainie you took me by surprise. From the looks of it, you took Stay by surprise too.”

  “He started it.” I rested against the concrete wall and rubbed my forehead.

  She peered up at me and said, “I thought tequila might be a dangerous choice.”

  “It wouldn’t have been if you hadn’t invited Stay.”

  “I didn’t. Bond did.” She looked away.

  “Uh-huh and you didn’t know about it.”

  She made eye contact again and said, “Well, I ... I want you to be happy. Doesn’t that sound familiar?”

  “Oh great, throw my words back at me.”

  “Stay’s a great guy, Lainie.”

  “Yeah and thanks to your handy work, I’m going to end up hurting him. Is that what you want?” I asked, my palms out in question. I sighed. “I already am. That dude is a glutton for punishment and he doesn’t take no for an answer. He’s persistent and stubborn and has a way of making me...”

  “Well if he was smitten before, I think he must have moved on to full blown infatuation after that kiss. That was hot, girl. You like him too, Lane. It’s so easy to see and I mean aside from that smoking hot, grinding kiss you gave him. I’m surprised the bar didn’t clap when you guys finally parted.”

  “I was too shocked over my own behavior to be mortified by the people watching.”

  “I’m sure Jose Cuervo helped give you the nerve.”

  “I can’t blame everything on the drinks. He does something to me. He strips away my armor and I love it and hate it at the same time. I especially hate it when I end up doing stupid, stupid things. What the hell am I supposed to say to Stay now?”

  “The truth.”

  “I don’t even know what that is anymore.”

  “Start with that.” She waved me to follow. “Come on, girl. I’ll leave you two alone and go visit with Bond. He likes having me on his lap in the booth.”

  We parted company at the door. She traveled around the right side of the bar toward Bond, and I trudged back to my seat.

  “I wasn’t sure you were coming back,” Stay said, when I sat back down. “Are you okay?”

  “No, not in the least.”

  “I can’t say I’m sorry about that kiss. That was ... it was...” He laughed. “Indescribable. You ... damn, OCDC, I didn’t know you had it in you.”

  “You’re gloating.”

  “This isn’t a contest. It’s not like that for me. Before our date—”

  “It was not a date,” I shouted and hit my hand on the side of the bar. Fortunately the music was so loud that it covered my noise.

  “I guess I’m not the only one in denial. Call it what you’d like: dinner and a concert. My point is that before that night, what I thought we had between us, the potential that existed was just in the realm of speculation and hope. You and me, we have an intangible between us.”

  “I don’t even know what that means.”

  “It’s that unnamable quality that allows two people to connect in a rare and deep way. Red and Jacqs have it.”

  “But not Bond and Jacqs?”

  “Maybe they do. It’s just very apparent between Red and Jacqs. There’s a flow, a dance, and you can almost see the connection between them even when they are across the room from each other. Like an energy trail of love that links them together.”

  “That’s beautiful. I think I get what you’re saying. I just don’t see how it applies to us.”

  He raised his eyebrow and I knew he was questioning my honesty.

  “I don’t know what this is between us. I just know it’s messing with my head and confusing the hell out of me.”

  “Had I not spent the night over your place taking care of you, I might have been able to move slower, but when you’re around me, my energy shifts and my usual calm, centered, patient manner morphs into a crazed, pressing need to have you in my arms. Sometimes the desire feels soft and sweet and I just want to bury my face in your silky hair and hold you. Other times I want you on your knees before me, your green-hazel eyes peering up into mine, opening your mouth for my hard cock.”

  He placed my hand over his pants and I closed my eyes. His erection excited and scared me. He was significantly thicker than Mason and longer too. Gazing up, our eyes locked and I couldn’t be sure what I wanted anymore.

  He pushed his hand down over mine and continued, “Sometimes it’s so strong I think if I don’t get to fuck you hard and fast I just might expire on the spot.” A warm, bright smile transformed his face when he said, “Then I think about taking you very slowly, teaching you my tantric ways, making you come harder than you ever have before.

  “That kiss, Lainie, it changed everything for me. You might regret it, but I never will, even if you never again give me the privilege. Because now I know what we really can be. It’s left in your hands.” He looked down at his hand on top of mine.

  I sat up straight, pulling my hand away.

  He lifted my head up. “Lainie, please don’t shut me out.”

  “I think it would be best for me to leave.
My mind is racing”—and my body, I thought, but I left that out—“and I can’t think straight. I ... I ... please don’t look at me like that.” I felt young, and raw, and really scared. I wished I could crawl into my father’s lap and hide there like I had done as a little girl.

  Stay rested his hand on my knee as if he couldn’t bear to be near me without touching me. “Are you okay to drive?”

  “I’ll have Frank call me a cab. You can stay and keep Jacqs company.”

  “Lainie, let me drive you home. We can talk on the way. If you go, I’m leaving anyway and it’s on the way to my place.”

  I gave in. “I’ll go say goodbye to Jacqs and Bond.”

  “I’ll just wait for you here. Tell Bond, I’ll talk to him tomorrow.”

  Once at the deejay booth, I said, “We’re taking off.”

  Jacqs jumped off of Bond and said, “Is everything okay? Did you guys talk?”

  “Yes, and it definitely did not help. I need to get home and journal and try to wrap my mind around what I’m feeling and what I want. Why couldn’t he have waited?”

  Bond answered, “According to Red, there comes a point where it’s out of your hands. It’s not like you can set love on pause forever.”

  “Stay doesn’t love me,” I practically yelled.

  They both gave me a questioning look.

  “I’m in love with someone else! Why can’t you all understand that?”

  Jacqs touched my arm. “We get it. Me better than anyone else. Let me know if you want to get together after your walk with your dad and please give him a big hug from me.” Then she stretched up on her tiptoes and embraced me. She whispered, “Trust yourself, girl. I’m here if you need me.”

  “Thanks,” I mumbled, and took a step away. Then I turned back around. “Oh, Bond, Stay said he’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

  Jacqs was already back in his lap. Bond waved.

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  These Eyes

  by The Guess Who

  I ambled through the CroBar not really seeing the flashing lights or the crowd of people that had gathered since I arrived. In a daze, I headed back to Stay feeling one step removed from my emotions. A dark cloud of depression hovered way too close.