Stay Lucky

by Halsey Harlow

  “You met someone,” Ellen said, knowingly.

  “Not out in California, no. But before I left Blountville…yeah. I made a choice back then. I ended things with a guy I’d just started seeing in order to run back to Curtis. And I spent a lot of years thinking about that decision, wondering if maybe I’d made the wrong one.”

  “Was it Dr. Anderson?” Ellen asked.

  “Yeah, but that was a long time ago, Ellen. If I’d done it differently, chosen him over Curtis, maybe Jennifer wouldn’t have gone to L.A., and if she hadn’t gone to L.A., maybe there wouldn’t be a Lucky. It’s hard to say that I regret it, but…yeah, in a way, I guess I do. Things were miserable between me and Curtis for a very long time, and as much as I’d like to say that it was entirely on him, I’ve got to admit that sometimes I wondered if…if maybe it was my fault, too, for ever choosing him to begin with, for indulging in that ridiculous fantasy. If maybe the myocarditis, the heart transplant, all these medications, everything I’ve gone though, and now my kidneys are some sort of cosmic punishment for going with Curtis to begin with.”

  “No!” Ellen cried.

  “I know,” Leo murmured. “Forget I said that.”

  “Dude, we had no idea,” Riley said. “I feel like I just walked in on my parents having sex or something. All my illusions are blown.”

  “Sorry, Ri. I don’t mean to bring you down.”

  “No worries, man. I’ll get over it. At least there’s no nudity to block out, or sagging skin and—”

  “Oh, God, Riley, shut up!” Ellen said, before turning back to Leo. “So, is Dr. Anderson the reason why you came back here?”

  “No. I mean, it sure didn’t hurt that I knew he was still around, but why would I think he’d be interested in sick ol’ me after all these years? Especially after I chose Curtis instead of him? No, I came back here because when I got really sick I didn’t have any support from Curtis. I mean, he’s traveling all the time, and when he was in town, there was just so much back and forth between us. It was complicated. It started wearing me down. My health…everything. So I came back here to get help from my family.”

  “And we’re glad you did,” Ellen said.

  “I have to admit, though, if it weren’t for you guys, and for Grant, and Alec and Dennis, I might not stay.”

  Grant’s stomach clenched and he put down the fork he’d been using to shovel in the mashed potatoes from his tray. It had only been a month, but sometimes Grant felt certain that all of this wonderful in his life, all of the things he was growing revoltingly attached to, would simply disappear.

  Leo went on, “My dad’s great with Lucky, don’t get me wrong, and Mom loves her, obviously. But Lucky’s having a hard time coping with me and Curtis breaking up, and struggling with the culture here, too. If I don’t make it—”

  “Stop that!”

  “It’s a realistic thing to plan for, Ellen. If I don’t make it, she might have been better off staying near Curtis. I don’t know. But, for now, I’m planning to stay in Blountville. Mom and Dad are so helpful and I have you all, and my cousins, and it’s comfortable here for me. I’m hopeful Lucky will come to love it, too.”

  “Yeah, man, don’t count on it,” Riley said. “I mean, I don’t know anything that you don’t know, but this is Blountville and that child is a genius.”

  “I’m thinking of asking Curtis for money to send her to the private school in Nebo next year. It’s just a thirty-minute drive north. But I hate to ask him for anything. He always thinks I’m using him.”

  “Asshole,” Ellen sniffed. “So, this thing with Grant, though? It’s different?”

  Grant could hear Leo’s smile. “Grant? Yeah. It’s…well, it’s surprising. I don’t think either of us expected it, but it’s become pretty serious. For me, anyway, and I think for him. Yeah.”

  “Does he, you know, treat you okay? He seems like such a hard ass here in the hospital,” Riley said. “And please don’t turn that into a gay joke.”

  Leo chuckled. “He’s surprisingly kind and amazingly human. Usually when you least expect it.”

  “Well…that’s…good? I mean, what can I say, man? I’m happy if you’re happy,” Riley said.

  “Thanks, Ri. The best thing is that I know you mean that.”

  “I do.”

  Grant heard the thud of a soft punch to the arm.

  “But, yeah, it’s been hard being back here,” Leo said. “Even with my folks trying to be available when I need them, I have to admit that I’m having a hard time getting the help I need for Lucky sometimes. I mean, Ri, you know that better than anyone. How many times have I had to leave her with you or Carrie here at the hospital?”

  “A lot,” Riley agreed.

  “Yeah,” Leo’s voice changed from frustrated to sweet and soft. “Grant, though, he’s great with her. And she really likes him.”

  “Dr. Anderson and the kid? Really? I wouldn’t have seen that coming,” Riley said.

  “Yeah, me either,” Leo said.

  “Alec says he’s always been kind of great with Mina,” Ellen said. Grant had forgotten that she was friends with Alec. But then Alec was friends with everyone. Even him.

  “It’s really adorable actually,” Leo said, enthusiastically. “He’s always so gruff and matter of fact with her, and Lucky just loves it. Though, she’s not all sunshine and smiles when he’s around or anything. Don’t get me wrong.”

  It was true. Lucky was a pretty serious little kid.

  Leo went on, “I don’t know how to explain this, but it’s like when she sees him walking toward her, she just relaxes. You can see her entire body just…let go. She’s comfortable with him. Secure.”

  “That’s wonderful,” Ellen said.

  “Yeah, she knows what to expect from him. And that’s really important to Lucky right now. Everything’s so unpredictable. She definitely trusts him. I think she likes knowing that if Grant says it, then it’s true. Or true enough. Or true to Grant.” Leo laughed. “When it comes to Lucky, there doesn’t seem to be much difference. She’s always telling me, ‘Dr. Grant says’, ‘Dr. Grant says’, ‘Dr. Grant says’, and I have to laugh because, believe me, hearing Grant’s words come out of my five year old’s mouth?”

  “Nothing funnier?” Riley supplied.

  “Exactly.”

  “So, you really like him, then?” Ellen asked.

  “Who? Grant?”

  Riley said, “No, man, the guy at the cash register who was, for the record, so totally checking you out—not that I notice these things—yeah, Grant.”

  Grant sat his fork down, remembered the night before, Leo naked on the bed at the farm, curled up around Grant, and breathing slowly as he drifted off to sleep. He remembered the way Leo had felt tucked against his side, and how right his own body had felt, sated, at peace. It scared him that all of that and a lot more was riding on Leo’s response now.

  “So much,” Leo said, and the embarrassment in his voice was only covered by his earnest joy.

  “Aw, Leo,” Ellen said. “That makes me so happy. I’m so glad. And Curtis? You’re totally over him? It’s really done?”

  “It’s done,” Leo said. “I just wish it’d been done a long time ago.”

  “Well, after this conversation, I’m so taking that guy off my Christmas card list,” Riley said. “I had no idea he was such a douche.”

  “Oh, come on, Riley,” Leo said. “Don’t be that way. Curtis’s still a good guy; he’s still your friend. He’s just not good for me. And, clearly, I’m not good for him either, so it’s even this way. Don’t deny him the pleasure of your rambling Christmas letter! He won’t know if you and Ellen are ever gonna get married or not!”

  “Hey, jerk!” Ellen said, and there was the sound of someone’s arm being swatted pretty hard. Grant assumed it was Ellen hitting Leo.

  “You’ve got to admit, you’ve been dragging this dating thing out for a long time now,” Leo said, and his voice was so full of laughter that Grant felt it in his
own throat.

  “And if you keep that up, we won’t keep Lucky for you this Friday night,” Ellen said.

  Grant frowned. A babysitter for Lucky? On Friday night? Had he forgotten some plans that they had together? He hoped he wasn’t scheduled for rounds. He needed to check. Just his luck to forget something important right when things were really taking off between them.

  “Why do you need us to watch her?” Riley asked. “Not that I mind! I mean, my goddaughter can stay over any time. I like it when she lectures me about Shakespeare and Zeus, man. It’s bizarre. And she knows more than me!”

  “Well, since you barely read anything that’s not required, you can’t be too surprised by that,” Leo said.

  “But, dude, she’s five.”

  “She’s precocious,” Leo said. “In most ways she’s like any other kid. She likes to play, get dirty, and laugh.”

  “Yeah, that’s true! She totally beat me in that spitting contest last time, remember Ellen?”

  “Don’t remind me.” Ellen said, dryly. “They didn’t even do it off the back porch like I told them to. There was spit all over the kitchen floor. I don’t even want to talk about it. No, Riley. Shut. Up.”

  “Hey, I cleaned it up!”

  “If that’s what you call cleaning it up—”

  “Yeah, well, so, on Friday I have that test with the new nephrologist,” Leo said, getting the conversation back on track. “It could last a while. I might be in overnight. I just don’t want her to be worried, and Mom’s being flown to New York for some job-related reason or another, and Dad’s going with her because it’s their anniversary soon. So, guys, thank you. So much. I really appreciate it. You can’t even begin to know.”

  “Did they find a donor?” Ellen asked.

  “Maybe. It looks possible.”

  There was a lot of joy at the table then, slapping sounds and hugs. Leo put a stop to it, though, saying, “It’s not a sure thing. It all depends on if this woman’s kidneys are okay. She’s on life support, and they’re letting her go. The tests match up, but she’s done a lot of drugs, apparently, and her kidneys might be affected.”

  Grant folded the newspaper carefully, and turned to the table next to him, studying Leo’s pale skin, the coloring not as healthy as right after a dialysis treatment. Leo’s eyes looked tired, and his hands were a little shaky. Leo was very sick, and Grant couldn’t forget it, not when they were alone, not when Leo was naked, and not now when he was sitting with his friends oblivious to Grant taking inventory. A donor. Leo needed one. The sooner the better.

  Grant asked, “And was there some point when I was going to be privy to this information?”

  “Grant! How long have you been there?” Leo said.

  “Long enough,” Grant said.

  “Well, why didn’t you say something?” Leo asked. “You could have joined us!”

  Ellen said, “And miss the opportunity to eavesdrop?”

  “Well, it was a very lucrative session,” Grant admitted. “Especially hearing about Riley’s spitting contest with the carrot.”

  “Carrot?” Ellen said.

  “That’s Lucky,” Leo explained.

  Grant focused on Leo. “How long have you known about this donor? What are the levels of the match?”

  Leo didn’t have a lot of information, but he said he’d probably have more after his meeting with Dr. Jameson in the afternoon. “I have to meet him in, oh…about ten minutes.”

  Riley and Ellen ended up leaving then. They both had to get back to work. Before they left, they re-established that they were taking care of Lucky on Friday night while Leo would be in the hospital, and Leo thanked them again.

  After dumping their trays, Leo walked out of the cafeteria with Grant and took hold of his hand, saying, “I was going to tell you. Tonight, actually. When you came over to watch TV with me and Lucky. I was going to tell you when she went to bed.”

  Grant blinked at him, and he had a strange flash of Leo from the night before. On his big bed at the farm, his legs spread, knees up, and his eyes wide as Grant had fucked him with three fingers. Grant flushed hot with the memory, and then suddenly cold at the thought of Leo under the knife, followed by a surge of hope that Leo might be getting the kidney that he needed.

  “Are you upset with me?” Leo asked.

  “No,” Grant answered. “Just surprised. I didn’t expect to find out so many important things on my lunch break.”

  “Yeah? Like what?”

  “Like that Radiology Riley is so squeamish about the concept of gay sex, or that his girlfriend is so perceptive about what you like in bed. Or that you like me so much.”

  Leo actually looked a little bashful but he said, “Oh, you knew that. So much more than bacon, even.”

  “Given that you’ve never declared your abiding affection for said breakfast meat, I was never entirely certain just how much ‘liking’ that analogy entailed.”

  Leo bumped him with his shoulder as they walked. “You know how much I care about you. Stop kidding around.”

  Grant smiled and then said, “And then there were quite a few bombshells about your break up with Mr. Banks. Things I hadn’t known before.”

  “I didn’t want you to know,” Leo said, the tips of his ears going red. “It’s humiliating. I don’t want you to think of me like that.”

  Grant paused in the middle of the hallway, put his hand on Leo’s cheek, and spoke seriously. “You left.”

  Leo looked unsure but he turned his head and kissed Grant’s palm. “And, besides, some of that information, about how I’d had doubts for a long time, that was something I feel like you should have heard from me, Grant,” Leo said, softly.

  “I did hear it from you.”

  “You know what I mean. Face to face.”

  “This incredibly attractive visage before you is my face,” Grant said.

  Leo smiled and blinked slowly, flirtatiously for a moment, still looking timid. “Don’t make me say it now. Not here.”

  Grant dropped his forehead to Leo’s and Leo made a soft sound. Grant kissed the end of his nose, palmed Leo’s cheek, and changed the subject, as he walked toward the stairs up to the second floor. “Then there was that little thing about a potential donor. All in all, a very interesting eavesdropping session.”

  “So, when do I get to eavesdrop on you?” Leo asked.

  “Alas, I have no friends. So, never.”

  “You have Alec,” Leo pointed out.

  “True. I like him. Though slightly less than I like bacon.”

  Leo grinned and looked down at his own feet and, much to Grant’s amusement, actually shuffled them in embarrassment.

  Grant’s beeper went off. One glance told him their conversation had to be over. “Sorry. Have to go.”

  “No problem,” Leo said, taking Grant’s hand again and squeezing it briefly. “See you tonight? I’ll tell you what I find out from Dr. Jameson today.”

  Grant waved the beeper at him and said, “It depends on how long this takes. I’ll call you.”

  • • •

  Present

  “What in the hell is taking so long?” Grant asked.

  “I don’t know,” Dennis said. “They might be having problems with Jennifer. But, look, his heartbeat’s steady, his blood pressure is sound. Have some patience.”

  “The kidney should be here by now,” Grant said, cold sweat forming at the small of his back, and panic sweeping through his body. “Maybe they got in there and Jennifer’s kidney isn’t as healthy as they thought?”

  “Maybe, but why borrow trouble?” Dennis said.

  Grant had a strong urge to call Chuck, to insist that he bring Lucky to the hospital, because Grant needed her. He didn’t know quite what he needed her for, but he wanted to see her face, maybe hold her, which he didn’t do a lot because she had knobby knees that always dug into him, but he really wanted to hold her right now.

  The observation room felt too small. How had he never noticed before how ti
ny the room was, how little air there was to breathe? He couldn’t even pace properly because it was only nine steps that way and nine steps back, and suddenly he need an acre, a wide, open acre, or an endless ocean to fall into, because he was losing it. He was completely losing it.

  “Grant,” Dennis said. “You need to calm down. Things are just fine down there. Leo is going to be just fine.”

  Grant was past the point when he could tell Dennis to shut the hell up, he was past knowing anything other than the blip, blip, blip on the screens below, the numbers on the blood pressure monitor, and his own heart banging in his chest, making it hard to breath.

  Lucky would ground him. She’d give him something to focus on that was real. But she couldn’t be here. Not here in this room. And Grant had to be here, too. He had to know every moment of what was happening with Leo.

  “Grant, I don’t know how to help you, buddy. What would Leo do? What would he say?” Dennis asked.

  What would Leo do? He’d tell Grant to think of something that made him feel safe. He thought of being in bed with Leo, both of them sweaty and smiling, and then he thought of riding in the car with Leo driving Lucky to school, and he remembered kissing him in the middle of the hospital corridor just to make the nurses talk and to see Leo smile. His safe place? It was Leo, and, God, that made Grant feel as though he was going to turn inside out with fear.

  “I can’t,” Grant said. He felt like he might pass out, black swirling dots speckled his vision. “Get Alec.”

  Dennis pulled out his phone and Grant heard him tell Alec to come to the hospital, Grant was flipping out, and Grant needed him.

  He thought about Alec’s soft hair, his warm cheek, and maybe if he was here, and he held his hand, maybe this would be something he could tolerate. This staring down at Leo’s unconscious body, cut open and waiting, still waiting, so long they’d been waiting, and it was really getting to be ridiculous. Maybe if he could breathe, he wouldn’t be panicking so much.

  “Grant, don’t give yourself a heart attack, okay?”