by Ranae Rose
“Hannah, don’t feel bad.” He hated how unhappy she looked.
“I need to get home,” she said, opening her car door.
He wanted to go with her. Hell, he wanted to take her home.
But he didn’t. She left, and he stayed, for just a minute longer.
Then went home alone.
* * * * *
Hannah loved cherry blossom tattoos. She had an entire sleeve dominated by a cherry tree branch and its wind-blown petals, and was always pleased when a client came to her wanting their own version of the classic design.
It represented life itself, in all its beauty and fragility. It reminded its bearer that they were temporary, and what was here today might be gone tomorrow. Or sooner.
At least, it was supposed to. Lately, she’d forgotten how precious each day was. Consumed by shame and bitterness over how she’d let herself be used by Zander, she’d failed to celebrate the possibilities she still had. It’d hit her all at once the night before, during dinner with Ben. She’d looked down at her arm and realized how many days she’d wasted stewing in a past that couldn’t be changed.
So she’d decided to break free. Indulge for once. Seize the day.
What a joke that’d turned out to be.
“Okay,” she said, picking up her tattoo machine and steadying her gaze on her client’s freshly shaven and cleaned skin. “I’m about to start. Ready?”
The brunette nodded, sitting in the client chair. She looked relaxed, stripped down to a cami with the strap hanging low by one arm. A stencil was stamped on her shoulder, outlining her future tattoo in purple ink.
Hannah began to work, tracing over the outline with black ink, laying the foundation for permanent beauty.
“You’re doing great,” she said after a few minutes. “How did you decide on this design?”
She didn’t usually ask, but she was dead tired of replaying her blunder from the night before over and over in her head. Desperate for distraction, she listened as the woman told her she’d always liked the look of the design and thought it would be a good reminder to live in the moment and not take anything for granted.
“We only get one life, right?”
“So far as I know.” She blotted excess ink away from her client’s skin.
“Well, I don’t want to waste mine. But it’s easy to get caught up in little details and frustrations that don’t matter. Not in the long run, anyway.”
Hannah resumed outlining the tree branch. “I know what you mean.”
“I don’t want to look back one day and realize that I was too busy obsessing over stupid stuff to enjoy what I had.”
It was nothing Hannah hadn’t heard before. But today, her client’s words felt poignant. She’d spent over two months moping. Sure, she’d seized the opportunity to make a change in her life, but she was still licking her wounds, wasn’t she?
That was why she’d shot Ben down when he’d asked her on a date.
Her stomach tied itself in uneasy little knots as she continued tattooing. She really liked him and she’d messed things up between them. It was beyond embarrassing. Of all the humiliations she’d ever imagined, having a guy who’d just kissed her refuse an offer of no-strings sex wasn’t one of them.
I don’t think I can do that. And I won’t lie to you. His words were still echoing in her mind.
I won’t lie to you. What kind of guy stood there with a hard-on and refused what he obviously wanted in the name of honesty?
Not any guy she’d ever known. The realization had been sitting in her gut like acid rain ever since the night before.
Ben was different, in a good way. She didn’t know why or how he managed to pull it off, but he was. She hadn’t realized it fully until he’d told her no.
And now she felt like she’d let something good – something amazing – slip right through her fingers. She’d glimpsed its beauty, and now it was gone.
Her fingers and arm vibrated with energy from the tattoo machine, and each second seemed to drive the irony deeper into her mind, just like she drove ink into her client’s skin.
* * * * *
Ben joked about being crazy. Actually worried about it, sometimes. But the occasions when he thought that word might actually define him were usually mercifully fleeting.
Not today. Not since he’d last had dinner with Hannah. He’d been feeling a little unhinged ever since. He knew he’d done the right thing, but…
There was no stopping the fantasies of what it might’ve been like if he’d done the wrong thing. Gone along with her impossible idea, trying to keep her at an arm’s length while holding her tight, invading her.
It didn’t make sense to him how a contradiction like that could even work. Not with someone he was really drawn to, like her. If he had a taste, he’d want more – more than she was willing to give. Apparently.
What did it say about her feelings for him that she thought the suggestion was practical? That she was less attracted to him than he was to her, or that she was more emotionally controlled? He knew there were cracks in the walls that held his emotions in check, but he felt pretty stable right now.
And Dylan would point it out if he was seriously out of line. He watched Ben like a hawk, and Ben noticed, even if he thought he was being subtle.
Ben pulled a plastic container out of the fridge and popped the lid off, transferring the contents to a plate. The chicken breast and rice were mildly appetizing at best, but the steamed vegetables were pretty good. He knew because he’d made them – turned out it was pretty hard to mess up steaming things.
The chicken was Dylan’s work, and as Ben took his dinner out of the microwave, Dylan appeared in the kitchen, as if the aroma had summoned him.
Ben stared down at his plate. How the hell did Dylan stand eating the same stuff almost every day – wasn’t variety supposed to be the spice of life?
But then, Dylan had more in his life to look forward to than food.
“Hand me one of those, would you?” Dylan filled a glass with ice and water, nodding toward Ben’s dinner.
Ben grabbed one of the containers out of the fridge and slid it down the counter.
Dylan heated it up and sat down at the small table, where he ate like a robot.
“I got home before you for once,” he said. “You work late?”
Ben nodded. Today was a rest day in their fitness routine. He usually got home before Dylan on rest days.
“We’ve been pretty busy at the garage these past couple weeks,” Ben said.
“Not too busy, right?” Dylan met Ben’s gaze, and Ben resisted the urge to let the conversation die.
He didn’t like being reminded of the fact that Dylan was afraid that his job might be too much for him – that it might stress him out and push him over the edge or something.
He wasn’t a freaking invalid.
His last disaster had only been because he’d been untreated. It wasn’t going to happen again.
“I like staying busy. Gives me something to do – keeps me from living so deeply inside my own head. Why do you think I go along with your crazy fitness regime?”
“The only pressure in working out is the pressure you put on yourself. A job isn’t like that.”
Ben shrugged. “I like my job.”
“Just asking.”
Ben let it go. “You doing something with Crystal tonight?”
“Nah, she’s visiting her brother James and his wife, to see her new nephew. He’s a month old and Crystal had to avoid visiting for the past week because she had a cold. Figured I’d give them some family time without me around. You want to watch a movie or something?”
“Sure. Hey…” Ben laid down his fork. “Can I ask you something?”
Dylan met his gaze, his expression serious. “Yeah. What is it?”
“You and Crystal are happy together, and she knows you’re bipolar. How did you tell her?”
CHAPTER 8
How and when. The questions had been tumbling throu
gh Ben’s mind for days. His thoughts of possibly dating Hannah had been tinged by a nervous edge. Even if she hadn’t shot him down initially, she might’ve done it later when she found out he had bipolar disorder.
He had no idea how to minimize that risk, how to tell someone something they wouldn’t want to hear. Something you could never change or take back.
“I was still trying to work up the balls when she caught me taking my pills. I swear, she can move like a ghost. She’d make a good mercenary, or pickpocket.”
Dylan’s joke didn’t lessen Ben’s surprise. “Really?”
Dylan shrugged. “I had to tell her. I’d been planning on waiting until things got serious, but we hadn’t been together long when she found out.”
The fact that Crystal had weathered the shock gave Ben hope, although it occurred to him that maybe she was especially understanding. She hadn’t had an easy life; that might’ve made her slower to judge.
“You take your pills when you wake up in the morning,” Ben said. “So I assume that means you were already sleeping together when she found out.”
“We’d been together a few times by then.”
“You didn’t feel like you had to tell her first?”
“I…” A line formed between Dylan’s eyes. “Sometimes things just happen. I figured it’d be best if we got to know each other before I told her anyway.”
“She wasn’t mad?”
“No. She’s not like that.”
Ben believed him. He considered Crystal a friend, and she’d never judged him even though she was one of few people who knew how badly he’d fucked up back in Newark. But a gut feeling told him people like her were few and far in between.
Hannah seemed like an exceptional person, and there was no question that he was drawn to her. But she wasn’t interested in a relationship with him now, and she didn’t even know he was bipolar. Even if she wanted to be with him, that might be a complication she had no desire to deal with.
“Why are you asking?” Dylan said.
“I’ve just been thinking: how the hell do you tell someone? Someone you want to be with. I can’t think of a way that seems natural, and just throwing it out there… Seems like that’d be awkward as hell.”
“I think it depends on the person. You have to get to know someone before you know how to talk to them.”
“I still can’t imagine it being easy.”
“I’m not saying it’s ever easy. But if you don’t know someone well, there’s no point in throwing that information out there anyway. They won’t be ready to decide whether you’re worth it.”
“So you don’t think you need to tell someone before you have sex with them?” Part of Ben was surprised. Dylan could be stubborn about some things. Apparently, this wasn’t one of them.
“No. Not unless you’re saving it for marriage or something.” Dylan’s serious expression faltered, curling into a wry smile.
Ben snorted, acknowledging the inside joke. “That ship has sailed straight off the edge of the earth.”
Their parents were religious sticklers who’d adamantly preached abstinence to them when they’d been kids.
Not that it had worked.
“But if you feel like you should say something, that’s on you.” Dylan’s expression was serious again. “And things might be different, depending on the circumstances.”
For a while, they sat in silence.
“Is there someone specific?” Dylan asked.
“I’m not sure. I’m just trying to get my shit straight so I’ll be ready to cross the bridge when I come to it.”
“Smart.” Dylan started slicing up what was left of his chicken breast. “Is it Hannah?”
Ben picked up his fork again, trying to ignore a pang of regret.
“Not trying to shove my nose where it doesn’t belong,” Dylan said. “But I know you two have been spending time together.”
“She doesn’t want a relationship.” This time, he was hit by a pang of longing he couldn’t ignore.
“So what do you call going out and spending time together?”
“I guess we’re friends.”
Or they had been. He hadn’t heard from her or even seen her at the gym in a couple days. Hanging out with her had come to a screeching halt, and he missed it.
“Right. Maybe things will change if you give it some time. She obviously likes you.”
Yeah, she did. He knew that, and it sent heat and blood surging south every time he thought about it. But her reservations – whatever they were – were like a wall between them, and he wouldn’t lie to her to breach it.
“She’s new in town.” Ben shrugged, trying to play it down. “She’s probably glad just to have someone to hang out with.”
He didn’t want Dylan to know how badly he wanted her – how much turning her down made him ache.
Dylan shrugged. “She asked me for your phone number at work today. Figured you guys had something going on.”
Ben forced himself to take a bite of food, eating like what Dylan had said was no big deal.
Why did she want his number? Since he hadn’t seen her at the gym, he’d figured she was avoiding him.
* * * * *
Nearly a week passed before Hannah worked up the courage to call Ben. The work week had kept her busy, but now it was Saturday night and she had no plans, and no work the next day.
It was now or never. She couldn’t hide forever, unless she wanted to avoid him for the rest of her life. Which she didn’t.
He answered on the second ring.
Since she’d bummed his number off his brother, she had to introduce herself.
“Hey. It’s Hannah. I got your number from Dylan – hope you don’t mind.”
“I don’t.”
“Listen, I feel bad about the other day.”
“Is that why I haven’t seen you around the gym all week?”
Her cheeks grew warm. “I started going in the mornings. And yeah … being embarrassed was what gave me the idea to switch my workouts to then.”
“No need to be embarrassed. Are you going to keep working out in the mornings?”
“I don’t know. Sometimes I think I’d rather sleep in. Anyway, I’m calling to ask whether you’d like to grab something to eat tonight. I don’t want to keep avoiding you.”
“I’m glad,” he said, instantly taking the edge off the tension in her shoulders. “And I am hungry, but…”
“What’s wrong?”
“I don’t think I can spend time alone with you like I was. I want something you don’t, and I told you I wouldn’t lie to you. I don’t want to break that promise. I think being around you would be too much temptation for me to handle.”
Her heart skipped a beat, and heat radiated through her body, reaching places where she longed to feel his touch. While the embarrassment of being turned down still stung, it couldn’t kill her desire. The fact that he found her too tempting to be around was a balm to her wounded pride.
A balm to her pride, and an accelerant to her lust.
“I wish I could take back the offer I made,” she said, “but I can’t. I’d like to explain, though.”
“I’m listening.”
“I moved across the country because I wanted a fresh start after being humiliated by my ex-boyfriend. He owned the tattoo studio I worked at in San Francisco, and we dated for two years. We were serious – or at least, I was serious. I caught him having sex with someone else at the studio, and it turned out she wasn’t the first.”
Far from it, actually.
“All the other artists there were male and had known all along. I considered them friends, and when the truth came to light, I’d lost my boyfriend, my job and most of my friends.”
“That’s shitty,” Ben said. “Really shitty. I’m sorry it happened.”
“It’s okay. Believe me; I can see now that I’m better off without him. But after letting a bad relationship turn my life upside-down, I wanted to be more careful. I mean, if I didn’
t know my own boyfriend after two years, how could I trust a stranger?”
“I guess you’re always taking a gamble.”
“Yeah, probably, but… I’d like to take that gamble with you. If that’s still something you want.”
For a few seconds, he didn’t say anything. She worried that he’d ended the call.
“Are you sure about that?” he asked. “Because you seemed dead-set against it last week, and now I can see why.”
“I was, and I’m sorry if I offended you. I didn’t expect you to turn me down. I figured you’d appreciate sex without commitment. Most guys would. And the fact that you didn’t made me think. You could’ve lied so easily, but you didn’t.”
Her face was downright hot as she thought of the way he’d kissed her, the way his hard cock had dug into her belly. There was no doubt in her mind that he’d wanted to say yes, but he’d demonstrated a level of consideration and self-control that she’d never encountered before.
That was even more attractive than his perfect body or handsome face.
“I was really impressed,” she admitted. “And flattered that you think highly enough of me to be honest, even if it means forgoing something you want. If I’m going to take a gamble with someone, I want it to be someone like you. And guys like you don’t come along every day.”
“You’re sure you’re ready?”
She laughed. “If I don’t snap you up, some other woman will. I can’t believe you’re single.”
“Believe it – I’ve been single for almost a year.”
“How do you do it? I see the way women look at you at the gym. And everywhere else you go.” She wasn’t kidding – there were plenty of women who’d like to get their hands on Ben, and she knew it.
“Have you noticed the way guys look at you? I don’t think you could miss it.”
“Well, that’s different. They look at everyone, don’t they?”
“Only because they’re hoping to catch sight of someone like you.”
The heat raging in her cheeks made her feel self-conscious, even if she was alone. Ben was the first person to make her blush anytime in recent history. Her ex hadn’t had that effect on her, even if she had been attracted to him.
