by Michael Dahl
A once-famous rock star told her friend, “The last time I made an appearance at that night-club, I drew a line five blocks long.”
Her friend asked, “Did they make you erase it?”
“I think I have a good head on my shoulders.”
“You sure have a point there.”
Why do you keep a sun lamp in your lunchbox?
It's a light lunch.
FUNNY BUSINESS
Did you realize that if 3M and Goodyear ever merged they could call themselves MMMGood?
And if Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Nabisco Crackers ever joined forces, they would be called Poly-Warner-Cracker.
A PUN-OPLY FOR PUN LOVERS
Here's an alphabetical list of old or obsolete words that all mean “pun.” Some of these words are over 500 years old!
bull
carrawitchet
clinch
crotchet
figary
flim
jerk
liripoop
pundigrion
quarterquibble
quillet
quirk
sham
whim
If you always have a pun up your sleeve that you can't wait to try out on your friends, you are said to be “liripoopionated.”
And if you pun way too much, your friends can accuse you of “quibble-ism.”
NUTS FROM THE FAMILY TREE
Mother: What's the best way to discipline children?
Father: Start at the bottom.
Ashley: Everyone says I got my good looks from my father.
Jason: Oh, is he a plastic surgeon?
“My older brother thinks he's a chicken.”
“You should take him to a doctor.”
“Why? We need the eggs.”
Mother: Darling, will you still love me when my hair is gray?
Father: Why not? I loved you through those five other colors.
At the airport, Mother turned to Father and said, “I sure wish we had brought the television with us.”
“Why is that?” asked Father.
“Because I left the plane tickets on it.”
“We got a dog for my little brother.”
“I wish my Dad would let me make a trade like that.”
Karl and Ben went out hunting. They were just bedding down in their tents one night when a huge snarling bear lumbered into their campsite. Karl quickly knelt down and started lacing up his sneakers.
“What good will that do?” shouted Ben. “You can't outrun a bear.”
Karl replied, “I only have to outrun you!”
A very proud grandmother was walking through the park, pushing her two grandchildren in a stroller. A young woman walked by and said, “My, what fine looking little boys. They must be your grandsons.” “Yes they are,” said the grandmother. “How old are they?” asked the younger woman. “The lawyer is three and the doctor is two.”
Jason: What's it like having a twin sister?
Megan: It's just like being an only child. Except twice.
“Mom, guess what? I won the election for class president!”
“Honestly?”
“Did you have to bring that up?”
“Humor has to come in under cover of darkness, in disguise, and surprise people.”
— Garrison Keillor
“Dad, where is yesterday's newspaper?”
“Your mother wrapped the garbage in it and threw it away.”
“Darn, I wanted to see it.”
“There wasn't much to see. Just some old egg cartons and dogfood cans and apple cores and …”
“My dad used to write for TV. He wrote The Jeffersons, The Hughleys, and The PJ's.”
“Did they ever write back?”
“I can always tell when my big brother is lying.”
“How's that?”
“He moves his lips.”
“What are you having for dinner tonight?”
“Reruns.”
“Reruns?”
“Yeah, leftover TV dinners.”
“My brother made a right turn from the left lane and crashed into another car. The other driver jumped out and yelled at my brother.
Why didn't you signal? he asked.”
“What did your brother say?”
“He said, ‘Why should I signal? I always turn here.’”
My Dad is a real pessimist. He just opened up a new Chinese restaurant and he only sells misfortune cookies.
“Doctor, my sister thinks she's an elevator.
Can you help her?”
“Have her come up to my office.”
“I would, but she doesn't stop at your floor.”
“George Washington's parents were really thoughtful.”
“What makes you say that?”
“They made sure their kid was born on a holiday.”
Troy: Mom! Megan said I was dumb.
Mother: Megan, apologize to your brother!
Megan: Okay. I'm sorry you're dumb.
“My sister loves to eat.”
“What's her favorite food?”
“Seconds.”
Troy: Your piano playing stinks!
Megan: Well, for your information, that piece I was playing is very difficult.
Troy: Too bad it's not impossible.
“My brother is connected with the police.”
“How's he connected?”
“With handcuffs.”
Alex: My dad lost his wallet with over three hundred bucks in it.
Troy: Wow!
Alex: And he's offering a reward of twenty dollars to whoever finds it.
Troy: I'll give you thirty.
Three comedians were asked which is funnier: a witty line or someone slipping on a banana peel. Fran Lebowitz and Ellen DeGeneres both said that falling down is funnier. Lily Tomlin said it “depends on who's doing the slipping.”
Amy: Dad, the landlord is here for the rent.
Father: Tell him I'm not home.
Amy: I can't lie like that!
Father: All right, I'll tell him myself.
Alex: Mom, I think it's time I got an allowance.
Mother: How about I give you double what I give your little brother, Matt?
Alex: But Matt gets zero allowance.
Mother: Okay, so I'll give you triple.
A young boy was telling his teacher all about the new addition to his family. “And every night,” complained the boy, “little Kevin wakes everyone up with his crying.”
“Well, he's just a wee little thing,” said the teacher.
“No,” said the boy. “He's a wee-wee thing. That's why he's crying.”
Mother: Why did you kick your little brother in the stomach?
Jimmy: He turned around.
Teacher: How do you make antifreeze?
Rosie: Steal her blanket.
The real-estate agent told the family, “I'll be honest with you. This house has its good points as well as its bad points.”
“What are the bad points?” asked the father.
“Just north of here is a toxic waste dump. And just south is a huge hog farm.”
“What are the good points?” asked the mother.
“You can always tell which way the wind is blowing.”
In the middle of a sweltering summer afternoon, the Thomas family was entertaining out-of-town guests. When supper was ready, the father asked the youngest son to say the blessing.
The boy whispered to his father, “But what do I say?”
The father replied, “Just say what you've heard me say before.”
So the boy bowed his head and said in a loud voice, “Oh Lord, why in heaven's name did I ever invite these people on a hot day like today?”
Jimmy: My sister thinks I'm too nosy.
Troy: Did she tell you that?
Jimmy: No, that's what I read in her diary.
“What are you drawing, honey?”
“A picture of God.”
“But no on
e knows what God looks like.”
“They will when I'm finished with this.”
“My brother has laryngitis, so he's talking with his hands.”
“Is that why he's snapping his fingers?”
“Yeah, he has the hiccups.”
Danny: Guess what, Dad? Mom backed the car out of the garage and ran right over my new bike.
Father: That'll teach you to leave it parked out on the front lawn.
“Young man, there were two cookies in the jar last night, and this morning there is only one.
How do you explain that?”
“It was so dark, I guessed I missed it.”
My mom gets carsickness every month — when she looks at the payment.
Mother: Rosie! Why did you fall in the mud puddle with your new dress on?
Rosie: There wasn't time to take it off.
Father: I think our son must get his brains from me.
Mother: Probably, because I still have all mine.
Matt: Dad! The dog just ate the pie Mom finished baking.
Father: That's all right, son, don't worry. We'll get you a new dog.
Did you hear about the nervous father who is pacing up and down in the hospital lobby, waiting to hear about the birth of his first child? Finally, after several hours, the nurse arrives. The father runs up to her and asks, “Nurse, tell me, is it a boy?” The nurse says calmly, “Well, the middle one is.”
Mother: Boys, stop fighting! Who started this anyway?
Nick: Matt started it when he hit me back.
Aunt Missy: Do you know what an opera is, Rosie?
Rosie: Yeah, it's where someone gets stabbed and instead of bleeding they sing.
A grandmother took her little five-year-old grandson with her shopping. At one point in the store the little boy said loudly, “I have to go pee-pee.” The grandmother shook her head and said, “No, dear. When you need to use the bathroom you say that you have to whisper. All right?”
That night the five-year-old woke up at midnight and toddled into his parents' bedroom. “Daddy,” he said, tugging on his father's arm, “I have to whisper! I have to whisper!”
The father sleepily turned over on his side and said, “All right, son. Go ahead and whisper right in my ear.”
PICTO-LAUGH #6
A pictograph is a very simple drawing of something funny. Can you guess what this little picto-laugh is showing? HINT: Think about a game of hide-n-seek!
“My sister ran the hundred-yard dash in five seconds.”
“That's impossible! The world record isn't even eight seconds.”
“She knows a short cut.”
“Do you have to make so much noise when you eat?”
“Our teacher told us to start the day with a sound breakfast.”
Ben: Why are you jumping up and down?
Karl: I just took some medicine, and the bottle said to shake well.
“You sure take your car in for lots of repairs.”
“I know, my dad is always braking it.”
Mother: Why are you standing in front of the mirror with your eyes shut?
Melody: I want to see what I look like asleep.
Rhyming Riddles
Draw a line to match each riddle to the proper picture.
It keeps you nice and very neat — has lots of teeth, but cannot eat.
It runs all night, and runs all day, but never, ever runs away.
Sits on the table by your plate and cup — if it falls down, it might stick up.
Sometimes curly, sometimes flat — it's over the head and under a hat.
“My dad only eats at the finest restaurants.”
“How do you know that?”
“You should see our silverware.”
Father: Go right up to your room and straighten it.
Jimmy: Is it crooked?
Jokin' Around
The Woman on the Bus
A woman was riding the bus down-town with her new baby.
A rude passenger sitting across the aisle took one look at the woman and her baby and said, “That's the ugliest baby I ever saw in my life. Looks just like a monkey.” The woman was so upset that she quickly got off the bus at the very next stop. She walked over to a park bench, sat down, and started crying.
A young man walking by noticed the poor woman. “What's wrong?” he asked her. But the woman was too upset to tell him. It was a hot day out, so the man walked over to a convenience store and a few minutes later returned to the park bench.
The young man handed the woman a can of soda pop. “It's so hot out, I thought you might like this,” he said. The woman gratefully accepted his offer. “Thank you very much,” she said. Then the man reached into his pocket. “Here, take this,” he said. “I bought a banana for your monkey, too.”
“Why aren't you sharing your scooter with your little brother?”
“I am, Mom, half and half. I use it on the way down the hill, and he has it on the way up the hill.”
Heather: I just finished giving my kitten a bath.
Tracy: Does she mind it?
Heather: No, she likes it. But afterwards it always takes me a while to get rid of the fur on my tongue.
Mother: What a dirty face! Your Aunt Missy won't kiss you like that.
Alex: That's what I figured.
Mother: What's your little brother yelling about?
Sandy: I don't know. I let him lick the beater after I made peanut butter fudge. Maybe I should have turned it off first.
A young boy, taking a vacation cruise with his parents, turned green with seasickness.
“Are you sure you don't want dinner, honey?” asked his mother.
The boy shook his head and replied, “Just throw it overboard, Mom, and save me the trip to the railing.”
YOU KNOW YOU'RE A LOSER WHEN …
Your ship comes in and you're at the train station.
Your talking mynah bird says, “Who asked you?”
Your twin forgets your birthday.
Your parents attend PTA meetings under an assumed name.
Your answering machine hangs up on you.
SPOONERISMS
The Reverend William Archibald Spooner (1844–1930) of Oxford University in England was famous for getting his tongue tied. Instead of saying “Our Lord is a loving shepherd,” Spooner called him a “shoving leopard.” Instead of sitting on a “stone bench,” he'd relax on a “bone stench.” Spoonerism is now the name we give a gag or phrase where the first letters of a word are exchanged for another. Below are some of the Reverend's sillier blunders.
He whispered to a young man in an overcrowded church: “Excuse me, sir, but you're occupewing my pie. May I sew you to another sheet?”
He told a tardy student: “You have hissed all my mystery lectures!”
To a group of farmers, he started a speech by saying: “I have never before spoken to so many tons of soil.”
After performing a wedding ceremony, he then instructed the nervous groom: “It is kisstomary to cuss the bride.”
Words to Know
Spoonerism: a phrase where the first letters of a word are exchanged for another
Here's a few more tongue stumblers:
“I need to buy a new can of oderarm deunderant.”
“This fog is as thick as sea poop.”
“Drinking lots of coffee always weeps me a cake.”
“In New York Harbor, my uncle supervises all the bug totes.”
“While I run into the shandy cop, would you keep your buy on my icicle?”
What's The Difference?
These riddles ask you to tell the difference between two things. The answer is always a pair of words. When you read the words one way, they describe the first thing in the riddle. When you switch the pair of words around, they describe the second thing! See if you can choose the correct pairs of words that will complete each riddle. Write your answers in the spaces provided. The first one has been half done for you!
What's the differen
ce between a rain gutter and a clumsy baseball player?
(One catches drops, and the other .)
What's the difference between a fake dollar bill and a crazy rabbit?
(One is , and the other is a .)
What's the difference between a jail warden and a jeweler?
(One , and the other .)
What's the difference between a sneaky student and a mouse?
(One is a , and the other is a .)
What's the difference between a bowl of moldy lettuce and a depressing song?
(One is a , and the other is a .)
What's the difference between a healthy rabbit and a bad joke?
(One is a , and the other is only a .)
PAIRS TO CHOOSE FROM:
sells watches
cheesy eater
drops catches
bad salad
fit bunny
mad bunny
watches cells
sad ballad
bad money
easy cheater
bit funny
A SPONERFUL OF TEA (A TRUE STORY)
The Reverend Spooner met a stranger while strolling through the university grounds one evening.
Spooner: Come to my place for tea tomorrow, young man. We're having a welcome party for the new math professor.
Stranger: But I am the new math professor.
Spooner: That's all right. Come anyway.
SPONER'S BUG
Q: What spoonerism has become a common word that refers to something we see during the summer months?
A: Butterfly. The insect was once known as a flutter-by, named for its fluttery, delicate movement.
Comic Biography
Goldwyn Said It First
On the other side of the Atlantic Ocean, Americans have their own M.C., or Master of Confusion. His name is Sam Goldwyn (1882–1974), a hot-headed movie producer whose verbal blunders have passed into legend.
Include me out.
I can answer your request in two words: Im-possible.
I'll give you a definite maybe.
