by Michael Dahl
Don't talk to me when I'm interrupting.
I never liked you, and I always will.
This new atom bomb is dynamite! I don't pay any attention to him. I don't even ignore him.
Our comedies are not to be laughed at.
Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.
NUN OF THAT
A new nun joined a special order where all the sisters had to take a vow of silence. Only two words were allowed each sister per year. After the first year, the Mother Superior asked the newest nun how things were going.
“Bad food,” said the nun.
The next year the Mother Superior asked the nun the same question.
“Hard beds,” said the nun.
At the end of the third year, the nun walked up to the Mother Superior and said, “I quit!”
“Well I'm not surprised,” said the Mother Superior. “Ever since you got here you've done nothing but complain.”
“That is the best — to laugh with someone because you think the same things are funny.”
— Gloria Vanderbilt
Nun: Remember, young lady, we are in this world to help others.
Melody: Okay, but what are the others here for?
Quick Draw
These funny drawings show the names of three common things. Can you guess what each is?
WAY-OUT OUT WEST (COWBOY JOKES)
A cowboy was riding his horse one day when he accidentally got thrown off. The quick-thinking horse pulled the cowboy to a shady oasis, propped him up against a tree, and then galloped off for help. He soon returned with some folks from a neighboring town, including a doctor. The doctor and the others brought the cowboy into town and nursed him back to full health.
A week later, when the cowboy was telling his buddies at the saloon this story, one of them said, “That's the gol-dang smartest horse I ever heard tell of.”
“Aw, he ain't that smart,” said the cowboy. “The doctor he brung with him was a vet.”
A cowboy bought a beautiful new horse. The salesman told him that the horse's former owner had been a famous preacher.
“This horse is very religious,” said the salesman. “And he only responds to special commands. For instance, instead of saying Giddy-up, you say Praise the Lord. And instead of telling him to Whoa! you say Hallelujah. Got that?”
“Praise the Lord and Hallelujah,” nodded the cowboy.
Weeks later, the cowboy was riding through unfamiliar territory. Gorges and cliffs fell hundreds of feet on either side of the trail. The cowboy wanted to stop and take a rest, but he confused the two words the salesman had taught him.
“Praise the Lord,” the cowboy said, but the horse kept on galloping faster and faster. The cowboy saw that the trail up ahead ended in a dangerous cliff. He tugged and pulled at the reins even harder and yelled, “Praise the Lord! Praise the Lord!” but the horse continued to race toward the cliff.
All at once, the cowboy remembered the right word.
“Hallelujah!” he cried.
The horse immediately stopped, mere inches from the crumbling edge of the cliff.
The cowboy breathed a sigh of relief and pulled off his hat, wiping the dust from his eyes.
“Praise the Lord,” he said.
Jokin' Around
Turtle Soup
Three little turtles, who lived in the same house together, were having Sunday dinner. They each sipped their own bowl of soup.
“This soup would sure taste better with some bread,” said the first turtle.
“We're all out of bread,” said the second turtle.
“Well, I'm not going to the store,” said the third, and littlest, turtle. “If I go, you two will eat my soup.”
The other two turtles promised him they would never touch his soup. “Go to the store and hurry back,” said the first turtle. So the littlest turtle reluctantly walked out the door.
Minutes stretched into hours. Hours stretched into days. A week later, the turtles were still waiting for their friend to return from the store with the bread.
The first turtle said, “I don't think he's ever coming back. We might as well go ahead and have his soup.”
Just then, the littlest turtle poked his head back inside the door. “See?” he said. “I knew if I left you guys would eat my dinner!”
MONEY IS ONLY PAPER
Tallulah Bankhead (1903–1968) was a flamboyant actress known for her generosity as well as for saying whatever popped into her head. Once when Tallulah was using a lady's bathroom, sitting in a stall, she realized there was no toilet paper.
She called over to the next stall, “Have you any toilet paper, darling?”
“No, I'm afraid not.”
“Hmm, any tissue paper?”
“Sorry, no.”
Tallulah paused and then asked calmly, “Have you two fives for a ten?”
A NUTTY CRIME
A judge had three young boys come before his bench.
The first boy said, “All I did, Your Honor, was break a window, wreck someone's bike, and throw peanuts in the lake.”The second boy said, “Me too, Your Honor. I only broke a small window, wrecked a friend's bike, and threw peanuts in the lake.”
The third boy said, “All I did was break a window and wreck a bike.”
The judge turned to the third boy and said, “Didn't you throw peanuts in the lake?”
The boy said, “I'm Peanuts.”
MORE NUTS
A man walks into a fancy bar and orders a glass of wine. It's early evening and the bar has only a few customers.
The man hears a voice next to him say, “Nice tie.” The man looks around, but there is no one sitting nearby. He figures he must be hearing things.
He takes a sip of wine and hears, “I like that suit you're wearing.” Again, the man swivels around on his chair but sees no one.
Another sip of wine and the man hears, “That blue shirt really brings out your eyes.”
“Okay!” says the man. “That does it! What's going on, and who keeps talking to me?”
The bartender, unfazed, looks over at the man and says, “It's just the peanuts, mister. They're complimentary.”
FUN FACT
PRETTY FUNNY
Have you ever noticed how few handsome men or beautiful women are comedians? There are a few exceptions: Cary Grant, Carole Lombard, Tom Selleck, Cybill Shepherd, Julia-Louis Dreyfus. Woody Allen, the director of Sleeper, Bullets Over Broadway, Bananas, and Annie Hall, has his own theory. “Funny and pretty are opposites,” he says. But the standup comic Mort Sahl has a different idea. He enjoyed telling jokes, he says, because to him “people always look better when they laugh.”
Bruce Vilanch, the incredibly busy Hollywood writer, widely known for his stint as the big, blond funnyman on Hollywood Squares, shares this advice about writing comedy: “Rewriting is really what good writing is all about!” Asked if there is any subject he would not write a joke about, Vilanch replies: “My rule of thumb is, did anybody die? It's difficult to do a joke in which death is involved … it's just cruel.”
CLASSIC ONE-LINERS
A one-liner is a joke that is told in one line or sentence. Or else several phrases are strung together and spoken without a break. For example: My room is so small …
I closed the door and the doorknob was in bed with me.
the mice are hunchbacked.
when I turn around, I'm next door.
I put the key in the keyhole and broke the window.
I have to go outside to change my mind.
when I stand up I'm on the second floor.
the ceiling gets dusted whenever I comb my hair.
Words to Know
One-liner: a joke that is told in one line or sentence
MORE ONE-LINERS
A mummy is an Egyptian who's pressed for time.
I saw a sign on the back of a truck: “Careful Passing. I Like to Chew Tobacco.”
I'm a terrible cook. All the gingerbread boys
I make are nearsighted so I've started using contact raisins.
What do you get if you cross a hill with an electric stove?
A mountain range.
My mom went to the beauty salon and got a mud pack — for three days she looked great — then the mud fell off.
The standup comic Henny Youngman is called the King of the One-Liners. Rodney Dangerfield and Steven Wright are also terrific one-line jokesters. Here's one of Wright's loopy one-liners: “I live on a one-way, deadend street. I don't know how I got there.”
MEDICAL MARVELS
PUMP UP THE LAUGHTER
Did you know that by simply telling a joke you are exercising 72 different muscles in your neck, throat, mouth, and tongue? Laughing uses over 100 muscles. No wonder some people say they “laughed 'til they hurt.” They just had a workout without even realizing it!
A JOKE A DAY KEEPS THE DOCTOR AWAY
Dr. Lee Berk of the Loma Linda School of Public Health in California discovered that laughing increases the body's antibodies and T cells, which help fight off infection and alien bacteria.
Dr. William Fry of Stanford University says that laughing 200 times will burn up the same amount of calories as 10 minutes on a rowing machine.
Does that make Dumb and Dumber a workout video?
FUNNY BONE
Your funny bone isn't actually a bone, it's a nerve — the ulnar nerve, in fact. This nerve is exposed as it travels over the medial condyle of the humerus, er, the bony knob at the end of your upper arm. Some clever (and unknown) medical student saw the punny resemblance between the words “humerus” and “humorous” and created the notion of the funny bone. Hitting your funny bone, however, is no laughing matter!
Comic Biography
Quick on Her Feet
Carol Burnett, the former queen of prime time comedy (1967–1979), was getting out of a taxicab in front of the TV studio. She accidentally slammed the door shut on her coat and the oblivious cabbie took off. Carol was forced to run along side in order not to be dragged off her feet. After running several blocks, she was finally rescued by a pedestrian who hailed the cab and brought the vehicle to a stop.
The cabbie, now realizing what had happened, jumped out of his car and ran to Carol's side. “Are you all right?” he asked.
“Fine,” panted Carol. “But how much more do I owe you?”
TONGUE TWISTERS
Attempt to articulate these tricky tongue-tanglers quickly in triplicate.
Red leather, yellow leather.
Around the rugged rocks, the ragged rascal ran.
Rubber baby buggy-bumpers.
The sixth shiek's sixth sheep is sick.
The skunk sat on a stump, the skunk thunk the stump stunk, but the stump thunk the skunk stunk.
The clothes moth's mouth's closed.
She shall sell seashells.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
Bugs' black blood.
Eight apes ate eight apples.
Cool clean canned clams.
A stiff stack of thick steaks.
Toyboat, toyboat, toyboat.
IN THE BAG
A guy was trying to cross the border into the next country on his bicycle. Two suspicious-looking bags were tied to the back of the bike.
The border guards stopped him and said, “Hey, buddy, what's in the bags?”
“Sand,” said the man.
The guards pulled off the two bags and examined them. They both contained only sand, just as the man said, so they waved him through the border.
This went on each week for six months. And each time the guards examined the bags they still found only sand.
One week the man stopped coming. One of the guards ran into the man downtown after work.
“Hey buddy,” said the guard. “You sure had us going. We knew you were smuggling something.”
The man just grinned.
“C'mon and tell me,” whispered the guard. “I won't say anything. What were you smuggling?”
“Bicycles,” said the man.
BURMA-SHAVE: THE UNKNOWN COMIC WITH AN EDGE
Years ago, when American families motored through the heartland on their way to a favorite vacation spot, they looked forward to reading the silly rhymes posted along the highways by the Burma-Shave company. Burma-Shave was a shaving cream for men, and the clever rhymes were posted — one line at a time — along highways and back roads all over the country. Kids and grownups tried to guess what the next rhyme would be before they drove past it. The highway poet remains anonymous, but here are a few of his, or her, best rhymes, broken up into separate lines as they appeared on separate signs along the way.
Ben
Met Anna
Made a hit
Neglected beard
Ben-Anna Split.
Burma-Shave.
The whale
Put Jonah
Down the hatch
But coughed him up
Because he scratched.
Burma-Shave.
Does your husband
Misbehave
Grunt and rumble
Rant and rave?
Shoot the brute
Some Burma-Shave.
THE NICKNAME GAME
Why do they call her Volleyball?
She's got plenty of bounce.
Why do they call him Birdseed?
He fits the bill.
Jokin' Around
Goin' Bowling
The family went bowling one night and brought seven-year-old Stevie for the first time. Along with the rest of the family, Stevie laced up his bowling shoes and then went to select a ball. Everyone else chose one, but Stevie could not make up his mind.
Ten minutes went by and finally Father said, “Stevie, just pick a ball. We don't have all night.”
“But I can't!” wailed Stevie. “Every ball I pick up has holes in it!”
Why do they call her Icecube?
She's so cool.
Why do they call him Ace?
He's such a card.
Why do they call her Strawberry?
She's good in a jam.
Why do they call him Needles?
He's so sharp.
Why do they call her Sunny?
She's so bright.
Why do they call him Fingers?
You can always count on him.
Why do they call her Sugar?
She's so refined.
Why do they call him Fleece?
He's always on the lam.
Why do they call him Buck?
He's got a lot of cents.
Why do they call you Mushroom?
Because I'm a fun guy!
GOOFBALLS
Brother: How can you tell that elephants like to swim?
Sister: They always have their trunks on.
“Dad! There's a giant monster under my bed.”
“Don't be silly. There's no such thing.”
“Then how come I can touch the ceiling with my nose?”
Mother: Jimmy, your ear is bleeding!
Jimmy: I know, I accidentally bit it.
Mother: How could you bite your own ear?
Jimmy: I was standing on a chair.
Troy: Hey, what time does your new watch say?
Jimmy: It doesn't say anything. I have to look at it.
Troy: Don't be such a smart aleck!Jimmy: Yeah? Well, what does yours say?
Troy: Tick, tick, tick, tick.
Why are the keys on this piano so yellow?
The elephant must have forgotten to brush.
Mother: You sent Jimmy down to the hardware store for some duct tape, right?
Father: Yes. But that was over an hour ago.
Mother: Well, he just phoned from the store and wants to know how big the duck is.
“I think the best thing to solving a problem is finding some humor in it.”
— Frank A. Clark
Teacher: Does anyone know what it means to rec
ycle?
Amy: That's when I have to ride my older sister's bicycle instead of getting a new one.
Store Manager: Ma'am, I've shown you every type of perfume we carry. Isn't there anything you'd like to buy?
Mother: Sorry, but your prices don't make any scents to me.
Troy: Our family just bought us one of those furry, Chinese dogs.
Jimmy: Chow?
Troy: No thanks, I just ate.
Jimmy: Well, our family bought one of those skinny greyhound types of dog.
Troy: Whippet?
Jimmy: Oh no! I only pet it.
Megan: I think our dog likes shopping.
Jason: How can you tell?
Megan: We just got back from the flea market, and he's itching to go back.
Oops!
Draw a line to match each “OOPS!” to the proper picture.
“I'm on the new seafood diet.”
“Is it working?”
“Yeah, whenever I see food, I eat it!”
Jimmy: My mom says our kitchen floor is so clean we could eat off it.
Troy: Cool! At our house only the cat is allowed to do that!
“I hate that snobby Christina. Because of her I lost a hundred pounds.”
“Wow! What did she do?”
“Stole my boyfriend.”
“Doctor, my ear keeps ringing.”
“You should get an unlisted ear.”
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A stick.
“Bugs give me the creeps!”
“What about spiders?”
“No way! I don't even like looking at them.”
“Then it's a good thing you didn't see that one crawl into your shoe.”
Trent: Hey, Jimmy, why didn't you stick around for the second act of the school play last night?
Jimmy: Because on the program it said “Two Years Later” and I had to be home by nine.
“Can I have a dollar for a sandwich?”
