by Michael Dahl
“If you like, but it probably won't taste very good.”
Didja hear about the farmer who bought a farm a mile long and an inch wide? He's raising spaghetti.
“This is the toughest sponge cake I ever ate.”
“That's funny, the sponges I used were fresh.”
The classroom was full of noisy and wild misbehaving students. The new teacher tried getting their attention, but the class continued to ignore him. Finally, in a last attempt to get the students to listen, the frustrated teacher shouted out: “Excuse me, people. But can anyone tell me what we use our ears for?” One boy remarked: “We mostly use our rears for sitting down on.”
Karl: What was all that noise a moment ago?
Trent: That was me practicing my violin. Do you think I have a gift for playing?
Karl: No, but I'll give you one for stopping!
There's just one hard thing about parachute jumping.
The ground.
“She sure gave you a dirty look.”
“Who?”
“Mother Nature.”
Teacher: What does it mean when the barometer is falling?
Trent: It means whoever nailed it up didn't do a good job.
Megan: I think my mom must be the strongest person in the world.
Troy: Why do you say that?
Megan: Because everyday she picks up my entire room using only her bare hands.
Jimmy: Mom! Amy fell down the stairs!
Mother: Don't worry, honey. The doctor's taking steps to treat her.
“Will this road take me to Bakersville?”
“No, you'll have to drive there yourself.”
Why did the weirdo throw the clock out the window?
Only a weirdo would throw a clock out the window!
Dad: Son, if you were out in the country, far from here, and only had a compass, how would you use it to find your way back?
Jimmy: Easy. I'd sell it for a few bucks and then buy a bus ticket home.
Troy: How much is that puppy?
Store Clerk: He's $50 or nothing.
Troy: Okay, I'll take him for nothing.
Neighbor: Young man, your cat was digging around in my garden!
Jimmy: I promise he'll never do that again.
Neighbor: How can you be so sure?
Jimmy: He was only burying your hamster he caught last night. But he's finished up by now.
“I can always tell when it's time for a snack.”
“How?”
“My big hand is on the cookie jar and my little hand is inside.”
When is it all right to belt a policeman?
When he gets in your car.
Megan: What kind of fish is that, Mister?
Pet Store Owner: Crappie.
Megan: Really? He looks fine to me.
Jimmy: We got a brand new roof and it didn't cost us a cent!Megan: Why not?
Jimmy: The carpenters told us it was on the house.
Where's the best place to find cows?
At a moo-see-'em.
Teacher: You have to be the most annoying student I ever had!
Alex: Do I have to be?
“Can you help me? I'm looking for the bus station.”
“Is that thing lost again?!”
Father: Did you know the Anderson's dog can actually play video games?
Jimmy: He's not so smart. I played five games with him once, and he only won twice.
Two bank robbers were making their getaway in a stolen car.
“Turn around and see if the cops are following us,” said Joe.
“But how can I tell if they're cops?” asked Bill.
“From their flashers,” said Joe.
“Okay.” So Bill turned and looked out the back window. “Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no …”
“Did you forget you were supposed to call me last night?”
“I don't remember.”
“My sister never helps clean up the down-stairs family room.”
“Why not?”
“She says working in the basement is beneath her.”
Amy: What kind of jeans are those?
Rosie: Guess.
Amy: I have no idea.
Rosie: I told you: Guess.
Amy: I simply asked what kind they are.
Rosie: Guess! Guess!
Amy: You don't have to be rude about it!
“Mom! You know that red light you just drove through? It's following us!”
Megan: Do you believe in ESP and seeing the future?
Wanda: Oh yes. In fact, my uncle had a terrible accident because he didn't pay attention to the signs.
Megan: Really?
Wanda: Yeah, especially the signs Stop and No Left Turn.
Jokin' Around
From the Loopy Library
What do the following books have in common?
Blood Clots
The Hermit on the Hill
The Frozen Airplane Propeller
Wanda Always Stays Home
They never “circulate.”
“The doctor said I should drink my medicine after a warm bath.”
“And did you?”
“I'm not finished drinking the warm bath yet!”
“That cat just hissed at me!”
“Better watch out.”
“But you told me your cat was friendly.”
“It is, but that's not my cat.”
Trent: Down at the bus stop, everyone is hunting for a few quarters some guy dropped.
Karl: I suppose you were looking around, too.
Trent: No, I was just standing there with my foot on the quarters.
Teacher: Do you believe in sharing, Alex?
Alex: Yes, ma'am.
Teacher: What's something you share with your brother?
Alex: Our parents.
“The doctor said I should take these pills on an empty stomach.”
“That's right.”
“But they keep getting stuck in my belly-button.”
Mother: Jimmy, will you please sit up straighter?
Jimmy: If I sat up any straighter I'd be standing.
WATT'S THE PROBLEM? (LIGHT BULB JOKES)
How many grandmothers does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change it, one to powder it, and one to diaper it.
How many graduate students does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten. One to change the bulb and nine to write long, boring papers about it.
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
One. But the light bulb has really got to want to change.
How many gangsters does it take to change a light bulb?
“Twelve. You gotta problem with that?”
How many Martians does it take to change a light bulb?
“What's a light bulb?”
How many cranky old men does it take to change a light bulb?
“Why change the light bulb? Everybody liked the old light bulb!”
How many wizards does it take to change a light bulb?
Depends on what you want the light bulb to change into.
How many undertakers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They like their light bulbs dead.
How many seabirds does it take to change a light bulb?
About four or five terns ought to do the trick.
PICTO-LAUGH #7
A pictograph is a very simple drawing of something funny. Can you guess what this little picto-laugh is showing? HINT: Think about a bug on wheels!
ANYTHING FOR A LAUGH
Teacher: Jimmy, I hope I didn't see you copying Amy's test paper.
Jimmy: Boy, I hope you didn't either!
Midge and Amy went to a county fair and found one of those old-fashioned fortune-telling weight machines. Amy got on first. When the card popped out, Midge read, “It says here that you are clever, beautiful, and charming.” “Really?” said Amy. “Yeah,” said Midge. “And it has your weight wrong, too.”
Meghan: My mom complains about everything! She bought me two new T-shirts, a red one and a yellow one, and I put on the red one for school yesterday. At breakfast my mom says, “So what's wrong with the yellow one?”Mother: Did you take a bath today?
Kyle: Why, is one missing?
Stranger: You catching any fish, kid?
Alex: Yes, sir! I caught at least twelve big ones.
Stranger: Do you know who I am? I'm the local fishing warden.
Alex: Do you know who I am? I'm the biggest liar in the county.
Mother: Your hair is starting to get wavy.
Father: Really?
Mother: Yes, it's waving goodbye!
Lisa: Whenever I'm down in the dumps, I get a new pair of shoes.
Midge: I thought that's where you got them.
Midge: I'm on a new diet and exercise program. Every morning after breakfast I go horseback riding.
Amy: Is it working?
Midge: So far the horse has lost ten pounds.
Melody: I think our neighbor Mrs. Johnson must be upset about something. She hasn't been over to visit for weeks.
Father: Find out what happened, and next time she comes over we'll try it again.
Larry: I've never had a problem with backseat driving, and I've been driving for over fifteen years.
Luna: What kind of car do you drive?
Larry: A hearse.
Thom: At my job I have a hundred men under me.
Kurt: Where do you work?
Thom: The cemetery.
Kurt: Well, at my job everyone looks up to me.
Thom: What do you do?
Kurt: I'm a kindergarten teacher.
Teacher: What is a light year?
Melody: A year with very little homework.
Rosie: What kind of fish are you frying?
Mother: Smelt.
Rosie: I sure can. But what kind of fish is it?
Doctor: Young man, you're going to need a flu shot.
Matt: Will it hurt?
Doctor: I'll be fine, but thanks for asking.
Jimmy: Where were you born?
Derek: On Rivers Avenue.
Jimmy: You're lucky you weren't run over by a bus!
Amy: The dog bit me in a very painful spot.
Rosie: Where'd he bite you?
Amy: In the backyard!
Gretchen: How does Old MacDonald spell “farm”?
Heather: E. I. E. I. O.
Troy: Excuse me, are you the head doctor here?
Doctor: No, I'm the foot doctor.
Jokin' Around
Jiggy Geography
Parasites are people from Paris Peruse are people from Peru Maracas are people from Morocco Canyons are people from Kenya Goblets are people from Turkey
Teacher: Do you know what we call the person who delivers children?
Melody: She's called Mom. She delivers me to school, to my girlfriends' houses, to the mall, to soccer practice …
Trent: That sure is cool exercise equipment.
Matt: Thanks, I got it at the gym.
Trent: Did they have a sale?
Matt: No, they had a sign that said Free Weights.
Heather: You should see my new watch. It's rust-proof, dustproof, shockproof, waterproof, and never needs batteries.
Gretchen: Cool, let's see it.
Heather: I lost it. So if you should see it, let me know!
Jimmy: My older brother Dave crashed his car into a tree going forty miles an hour.
Troy: Wow! I didn't know trees could move that fast!
Geo-Giggles
Here are the names of six states. Put them in the correct blanks to make three silly state riddles.
HINT: The pictures will give you a clue!
ELEPHANT JOKES
No one knows how or why, but about 40 years ago elephant jokes stampeded onto the scene and became extremely popular. Here are a few samples of loopy, sometimes bizarre, pachyderm humor:
Can an elephant jump higher than a house?
Of course. Houses can't jump at all.
Why do elephants lie on their back?
They like to trip low-flying birds with their feet.
What do you get when you cross an elephant with peanut butter?
A pachyderm that sticks to the roof of your mouth.
What's the difference between an elephant and a grape?
Grapes are purple.
Why did the elephants quit their job at the factory?
They were tired of working for peanuts.
What did Jane say when she saw the elephants coming over the hill?
“Here come the elephants!”
What did Tarzan say?
“Here come the grapes!” He was color blind.
Picto-Laugh #8
A pictograph is a very simple drawing of something funny. Can you guess what this little picto-laugh is showing? HINT: Think about broken elevators!
How do you get down off an elephant?
You don't get down off an elephant. You get down off a duck.
How do you catch an elephant?
Hide in the bushes and act like a peanut.
How do you get the wrinkles out of an elephant's skin?
Take him out of the dryer as soon as it stops.
Why don't elephants smoke?
Their butts are too big to set in the ashtrays.
Why are elephants easier to find in Alabama?
Because in Alabama you'll find Tuscaloosa (tusks are looser).
What weighs 2000 pounds, has big ears, tusks, and two trunks?
An elephant going on vacation.
What's big and gray and goes up and down, up and down?
An elephant bungee jumping.
Elemorphant
Can you turn an elephant into a peanut in three steps? Start with the word ELEPHANT. In each step, you can do only one of the following things — delete a group of letters, add a letter, or change one letter into another. Remember, you have to end up with PEANUT in Step 3! HINT: Keep track of the letters on the lines provided.
Jay Leno was once asked to name a comedian's most important tool. “A tape recorder!” he replied. Not to record the comedian, but to record the audience. Leno urges new comedians to listen and relisten to their live performances and note when the audience laughed, when they didn't laugh, if the jokes were fast enough, loud enough, smart enough. Armed with this new information, a budding comedian can delete the bad jokes, sharpen up the better ones, and make the next gig even funnier.
Part Two
KNOCK KNOCK
CAN YOU THINK OF ANYTHING more inviting than a good knock-knock joke? Who can resist answering “who's there?” after hearing someone say “knock knock”? You'd be hard-pressed to find someone who doesn't love these jokes.
Knock-knocks are popular in every country where people speak English, including the United States, Canada, Great Britain, and Australia. That's because each knock-knock joke is a pun, or a play on words, and puns are more popular in English than they are in other languages.
So, what's the purpose of a knock-knock joke anyway? Well, that's easy! To make you laugh, of course! A good laugh can have many truly wonderful results. Laughter is a universal language that all humans share no matter where they live or how old they are. Laughter can connect people of all ages around the world. Did you know that babies start laughing when they're only two months old? That's so much earlier than speaking or even crawling. Babies know funny when they see or hear it. And so do the rest of us.
Another fabulous result of a good laugh is that it really is the best medicine. Laughter is a great cure when you're down in the dumps and just can't shake the blues. Even the experts agree: Laughter helps to keep us healthy and happy. Science shows us that laughter increases the amount of oxygen running through our blood, makes us relax, and helps us feel less nervous during stressful times. This is no secret. People have known this for centuries. Some people even make a living just getting others to laugh!
Back in the very old days, court jesters appeared before the king and queen just to amuse them. Today, comedians, clowns, actors, and actresses all work hard to come up with funny material to get a good laugh from their audiences. Sometimes people will go out of their way to find something that will make them laugh. They watch movies, go to the theater, and turn on the television set, all in the hopes of kicking back and seeing how funny life can be!
Laughter makes people happy, and we all know that everybody likes to be around happy people. So start chuckling, giggling, guffawing, or even rolling-on-the-floor belly laughing. Gather some friends and start your own hysterical society. This is a group that gets together to tell each other jokes, riddles, and rhymes, act silly, and just plain make each other laugh. Don't worry if no one's laughing right away. Laughter is contagious. Just start tee-heeing, ho-ho-ing, and ha-ha-ing, and everyone else will soon follow.
ONCE UPON A KNOCK KNOCK
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Erma.
Erma who?
Erma going tell you lots of knock-knock jokes!
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Heifer.
Heifer who?
Heifer dollar is better than none!
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce who?
Lettuce in and I'll tell you!
What am I?
I have a very big mouth, but I never say a word. I have a bank, but I don't keep any money in it. I have a bed, but I never get tired. I wave at everybody, but I have no hands. What am I?
A river
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Scold.
Scold who?
'Scold out!
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Doug.
Doug who?
Doug-out is where the baseball players sit!
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Abe Lincoln.
Abe Lincoln who?
A-be Lincoln light on a Christmas tree!
