The Book of Beer Awesomeness

by Dan DiSorbo

Potassium 96 mg

  Sodium 14 mg

  Zinc 0.04 mg

  Thiamin 0.018 mg

  Riboflavin 0.089 mg

  Niacin 1.826 mg

  Pantothenic acid 0.146 mg

  Vitamin B6 0.164 mg

  Like making Easy Mac and Cheese, brewing beer is a science. Unlike Easy Mac, it’s painstaking work that involves several intricate steps, each of which must be executed with precision. Here’s a basic look at the beer brewing process.

  1. MASHING: First, grain is milled and malted, then mixed with water. The mixture is heated to allow enzymes to break the starch in the grain down into sugars.

  2. LAUTERING: This is the filtration process that collects the extracts from the mashed grain.

  3. BOILING: Those extracts make what’s called wort. Hops are added, and the mixture is boiled to stabilize flavors and aromas.

  4. WHIRLPOOLING: At the end of the boil, the wort is set into a whirlpool, which collects any solid waste (like spent hops).

  5. COOLING: Next, the wort is cooled down so that yeast can be added for fermentation.

  6. FERMENTING: Yeast is added to the cooled wort, causing the sugars from the malt to metabolize into alcohol and carbon dioxide.

  7. MATURING: The beer settles down, allowing the fermented yeast to drift to the bottom of the tank. The beer is cooled below freezing to maintain smoothness and stored under pressure to keep it from going flat.

  8. FILTERING: The beer is filtered once more to remove any remaining yeast and hop particles. Not all beer is filtered.

  9. PACKAGING: Finally, the beer is sealed into bottles, cans, kegs, etc., and sent out to make the world a better place.

  THE NUMBER OF BEERS AVAILABLE seems as vast and varied as ESPN channels, but the truth is that there are two main types of beer out there: ales and lagers.

  BEER BANTER

  “A quart of ale is a dish for a king.”

  —WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE

  ALES

  Ales are old school, really old school. This original style of beer is the result of a warmer top-fermentation process that releases chemicals called esters, which have an impact on the ale’s complex, full-bodied taste and rich darker colors. Ales are a bit like black-and-white movies: loved by aficionados, not always appreciated by the masses.

  EXAMPLES

  ENGLISH BITTER ALE

  This style of ale was developed for the drinker who likes his beer with a bitter kick, hence the name. The bitterness come from a heavier dosage of hops. The final color is often akin to copper and the taste and body are usually mild with a light alcohol content. (Brands: Anchor Small Beer, Fuller’s Chiswick Bitter)

  PALE ALE

  A popular beer internationally, the recipe for pale ales has been adapted by whichever region it’s brewed in, leaving a lot of room for variation. For example, India pale ales (IPA) were brewed to be high in hops and alcohol to survive long sea journeys from England to, you guessed it, India. American pale ales and Irish red ales often contain fewer hops and less alcohol so they are considered more sessionable—a cooler word for drinkable. (Brands: Dogfish Head 60 Minute IPA, Sierra Nevada Pale Ale, Smithwick’s Irish Ale)

  BREW FACT

  The world’s strongest and most expensive beer is a blond Belgian ale. This super-strong brew is 55 percent alcohol and carries a $765 price tag per bottle. It’s called “The End of History.”

  PORTER

  Porters, originally, were a grab bag of beers thrown together by porters who worked in Victorian England. The brew we now know as a porter is essentially created to mimic their dark, full body and balanced bitterness, which is sometimes flavored with chocolate or coffee. (Brands: Blackhook Porter, Samuel Smith’s Taddy Porter)

  STOUT

  Stout is a variation of porter made from dark roasted barley as opposed to malted barley, which gives it something of a “burnt” taste and a higher alcohol content. Stout is considered a very intense beer as far as aroma, flavor, and body are concerned. (Brands: Guinness Draught, Rogue Shakespeare Oatmeal Stout)

  WHEAT ALE

  Wheat ale, as its name suggests, is brewed using wheat malt. It’s also fermented using a neutral yeast, giving the beer a cleaner finish. The final result is a crisper beer with light to moderate body, a wide range of bitterness, and sometimes a bit of fruity flavor. (Brands: New Belgium Sunshine Wheat, Brooklyn Summer Ale)

  LAMBIC

  A unique brew, lambic ale incorporates fruit and/or fruit syrup into the brewing process. The end result has low hop and malt flavors that weave into the zest provided by the potent fruits. Lambics can be made with a variety of fruits. Most lambics weigh in on the lower end of the alcohol content scale. (Brands: Lindemans Framboise Lambic, Mort Subite Kriek)

  DRINKER DICTIONARY

  SESSION BEER

  n. Any highly drinkable beer that can be enjoyed in multiple pints during an evening without overwhelming the palate or the liver. Session beer features a balanced taste profile, a clean finish, and a lower-than-average alcohol level—usually less than 5 percent alcohol by volume.

  BREW FACT

  “True lambics are brewed with only naturally occurring yeasts. The yeasts just float in on the breeze overnight and make the magic happen.”

  —RICHARD TAYLOR

  Beer expert and host of TheBeerCast.com

  LAGERS

  Lagers, in many ways, are the polar opposite of ales: newer, cooler, sexier. Lagers are brewed at a lower temperature with bottom-fermenting yeast for a longer time. Where ales gather much of their flavor profile from the fermentation process, lagers get much of their flavor from the hops and malts. Lagers offer a much cleaner, crisper flavor and finish than the more complex ales.

  EXAMPLES

  AMERICAN LAGER

  The most common type of beer in the United States, the American lager is made for the people. The pale-bodied, ultra-crisp beer is mass-produced using adjunct cereal grains like rice and corn to deliver a taste with very low bitters and minimal malt. (Brands: Miller Genuine Draft, Budweiser)

  PILSNER

  Pilsner is very similar to American lager with its light golden color. The difference between the two, however, lies in pilsner’s heavier hop usage, which delivers a more bitter bite. Pilsners also tend to have a zestier, spicier finish. (Brands: Pilsner Urquell, St. Pauli Girl, Beck’s)

  BOCK

  Bocks are stronger than the average lager, thanks to its jacked-up malt content. The extra step yields a very robust and potent lager with a higher alcohol punch. (Brands: Shiner Bock, Einbecker Ur-Bock, Michelob Amber Bock)

  MÄRZEN (OKTOBERFEST)

  As the name implies, Märzen is the lager style traditionally served up at the famous Oktoberfest in Germany. Originally, Märzen was brewed in March and left in cold storage until the fall to create a very full-bodied, copper-colored beer that’s a bit high in alcohol and a perfect complement to lederhosen. (Brands: Sam Adams Oktoberfest, Victory Festbier, Spaten Oktoberfestbier Ur-Märzen)

  BREW FACT

  Bia Hoi, a beer found in Hanoi, is the world’s cheapest beer. Described as having the appearance and flavor of Miller Lite, twelve ounces can be purchased for the equivalent of about sixteen U.S. cents.

  BEER QUIZ

  Which of the following are obscure beer varieties and which are J. R. R. Tolkien characters?

  •Braggot

  •Dubbel

  •Faro

  •Flanders Oud Bruin

  •Happoshu

  •Kvass

  •Sahti

  Answer: All are real beers. Sorry, nerds.

  RICE LAGER

  Similar to American lagers, this specialty from Asia uses heavy amounts of rice instead of barley to create a rounded flavor experience with moderate bitterness. Rice lagers are also notorious for their dry finish. (Brands: Sapporo, Kirin)

  DISTANT COUSINS

  BARLEY WINE

  It is called a barley wine because it can be as strong as wine; but since it is made from grain rath
er than fruit, it is, in fact, a beer. A barley wine typically reaches an alcohol strength of 8 to 12 percent by volume. This isn’t a sip-with-your-pinkie-out type of hooch.

  NIGHT OF THE LIVING BEER

  “Live” beer is a term commonly used among brewers. Contrary to what the name implies, it is not beer that is gaining sentience in order to attack its thirsty overlords (i.e. you). It’s actually unpasteurized, unfiltered beer that has been bottled with live yeast.

  This gives the brew a chance to age and develop differently than it might during the conventional process. Sealing in the live yeast prevents oxidation and allows the yeast to break down slowly in the bottle. This second fermentation process gives the brew a more complex flavor and profile.

  A BEER A DAY KEEPS THE DOCTOR AWAY: THE HEALTH BENEFITS OF BEER

  Aside from being one of the best activities one can do with a bent elbow, drinking beer can also lead to a healthier lifestyle.

  Research has shown that daily alcohol consumption can prevent heart failure. A study from Emory University tested 2,200 elderly men and women to discover that the ones who consumed 1.5 alcoholic beverages a day reduced their chances of heart failure by 50 percent. Furthermore, another study conducted by Germany, France, and the United Kingdom showed that moderate consumption of beer can have an anti-inflammatory effect on the drinker, thus lowering the risk of coronary heart disease.

  Beer is good for the brain, too. Recently, scientists in Boston discovered that light (one to six drinks a week) to moderate drinkers (seven to fourteen drinks a week) have fewer strokes than nondrinkers, thanks to the way alcohol thins the blood, which can prevent the formation of clots in the brain.

  BEER BY THE GLANCE

  Alcohol by volume (ABV) is a measurement that determines how much of the total volume of the beer is alcohol (duh). Here’s a quick breakdown of how certain styles compare.

  ALES

  Bitter: 3.0%–5.8%

  India pale ale (IPA): 5.0%–10.5%

  Lambic: 5.0%–7.0%

  Pale ale: 4.5%–5.5%

  Porter: 4.5%–6.0%

  Stout (imperial): 7.0%–12.0%

  Wheat beer: 4.9%–5.5%

  LAGERS

  American lager: 4.0%–6.0%

  Pilsner: 4.3%–6.0%

  Bock: 6.0%–7.5%

  Rice lager: 4.0%–5.5%

  Märzen: 4.0%–7.0%

  ICE BEER

  Ice beer is a marketing term for pale lager beer brands that have undergone some degree of fractional freezing similar to the German eisbock, increasing the alcohol content. Like great comedians, this too comes from Canada, originating with Molson Ice.

  MALT LIQUOR

  In legal statutes, malt liquor is defined as any alcoholic beverage above or equal to 5 percent alcohol by volume made with malted barley but also containing sugar, corn, and possibly less benign ingredients. When it comes to malt liquor, quantity beats quality.

  MALTERNATIVES

  As the name suggests, malternatives share a malting and fermenting procedure with beer, but that’s where the similarities end. The product is devoid of hops and bitters. So while these share some technical connection with beer, this side of the family tree is no longer on speaking terms with the main branch. (Brands: Smirnoff Ice, Mike’s Hard Lemonade)

  BREW FACT

  Beer contains zero fat and actually has fewer calories than wine. A pint of beer contains about two hundred calories. The same volume of wine contains nearly four hundred calories.

  KNOWING WHERE YOUR BEER COMES FROM is like knowing where babies come from. You might be fascinated, confused, or possibly disgusted.

  MACROBREWERS

  Big, international brewing behemoths. They typically brew in the millions of barrels. Consistency is king. Think Budweiser, Coors, Miller.

  MICROBREWERS

  The maximum amount of beer a brewery can produce and still be classified as a microbrewery varies by region and by authority, though it’s usually around 15,000 barrels.

  TRAPPIST MONK BREWERIES

  There are only seven Trappist monastaries (six in Belgium and one in the Netherlands) that produce ales under the control of these super-cool monks. Enkel, Dubbel, and Tripel are some of the types of beers they produce, but brands like Chimay and Orval might sound a bit more familiar.

  BREW FACT

  Patersbier translates to “fathers’ beer” and is only available within the confines of the Trappist monasteries. Patersbier is only offered to the brothers on festive occasions, adding yet another level of exclusivity to this rare brew.

  CRAFT BREWERS

  Craft brewers use no adjuncts and focus more on beer styles than mass appeal. However, a craft beer can technically be manufactured by a macrobrewery as well. The American Brewers Association redefined its definition of a craft brewery to include breweries that produce up to six million U.S. beer barrels (186,000,000 U.S. gallons) a year.

  FAUX CRAFT BREWERS

  This is when a big guy tries to keep its connection to a so-called craft beer on the DL. Like Blue Moon, which is actually owned by Coors.

  CONTRACT BREWERS

  These are the ghostwriters of brewing. Some beer companies outsource the actual production of the liquid to other facilities. So your favorite Boston beer may be made in Pittsburgh, or worse, Cincinnati.

  NANOBREWERS

  A nanobrewery is a very small brewery operation, generally producing less than four U.S. beer barrels a year. These are often soon-to-be microbrewers in the, um, brewing.

  BREWPUB

  A brewpub brews and sells beer on the premises. According to the American Brewers Association, a brewpub may also be known as a “microbrewery” if its off-site beer sales exceed 75 percent of its total production.

  HOME BREWER

  A dude, a few tubes, and some boiling stuff. Home brewing is the land of DIY hobbyists.

  While all beer drinkers share an overall love of beer, their preferences and rituals differ greatly. Use this guide to navigate through the complicated jungle that is the beer drinker landscape.

  EXHIBIT A: THE HOP HEAD

  He knows a lot about beer, and he knows he knows a lot about beer. Something of a snob, the Hop Head prefers beers on the hoppier, heavier, and more challenging side and refuses to drink anything mass-produced or ever heard of before.

  HOP HEAD

  “Lite!? If I want water, I’ll go to the sink, thank you.”

  EXHIBIT B: HOME BREW NERD

  Not content with what’s available on the shelves, the Home Brew Nerd took matters into his own hands, bought a home brewing kit, and hasn’t shut up about it since. His special brews are unique and beautiful, like a Bob Ross painting; however, nobody ever seems to truly appreciate them, like a Bob Ross painting.

  HOME BREW NERD

  “Oh, you taste that, huh? You’ll never guess what I added to this batch!”

  EXHIBIT C: THE BREW BRO

  Most commonly found at tailgates, keggers, and frat parties, the Brew Bro is just happy to have a fermented beverage in his hand. Though he’s not picky with his preferences, he’s not adventurous either, often sticking to macrobrews and chest bumps.

  BREW BRO

  “How much for a cup, bro…”

  EXHIBIT D: BREW COLLAR DRINKER

  The Brew Collar Drinker isn’t officially done with his workday until he’s popped open a cold one. A creature of habit, the Brew Collar Drinker sticks with the same thing he’s been drinking for the past twenty-five years: most likely a pale lager brewed right here in ‘Merica.

  BREW COLLAR DRINKER

  “The hell is microbrew?!?!”

  EXHIBIT E: BREW BABE

  This drinker appreciates beer for what it is … and not just what it does. She actually has an opinion on what she drinks. And everyone wants to hear it. She’s been to Oktoberfest, done sake bombs with Japanese businessmen, and has been hit on the by most interesting man in the world.

  BREW BABE

  “So I was traveling in a remot
e part of…”

  BEER BANTER

  “I work until beer o’clock.”

  —STEPHEN KING

  Never drink alone.

  ANY EXPERT BEER DRINKER KNOWS that cupped hands are not enough to properly enjoy a brewski. You need more stuff to carry, cool, and care for it. A thorough knowledge and understanding of this stuff is what separates a rookie from a rock star, a dilettante from a connoisseur, a … you get the idea.