The Book of Beer Awesomeness

by Dan DiSorbo

  THE KOOZIE

  AKA COZY, COOSIE, HUGGER, BEER SLEEVE, CAN COOLER, CAN CONDOM

  Like that stupid hat a mother forces on her child’s head before leaving for school, the beer koozie looks ridiculous but serves a very real and very important function: keeping the beer safe from the heat. By keeping the can or bottle stored in this tight-fitting, foam rubber casing, condensation is reduced and the container has an easier time maintaining its optimal low temperature.

  NO KOOZIE, NO PROBLEM.

  Here are a handful of proven alternatives when a koozie is not within reach.

  CROCHET

  It isn’t just for crazy cat ladies anymore. Thanks to the interweb, there are patterns and tutorials on how to turn a little yarn and a few friendless nights into a suds sweater for your favorite brew.

  DUCT TAPE

  Considered by many to be the most versatile tool ever invented, duct tape can easily be wrapped around a can or a bottle to create a koozie-like effect.

  RICE KRISPIE TREATS

  In a bind, the stale, uneaten Rice Krispie treats stiffening on the dessert table make a great koozie due to their dense yet malleable form.

  BEER BANTER

  “It was as natural as eating and, to me, as necessary. I would not have thought of eating a meal without drinking a beer.”

  —ERNEST HEMINGWAY

  THE ALTERNATIVE CHILLING TECHNIQUES

  As they say, “There’s more than one way to skin a cat.” However, skinning a cat seems cruel and unusual, so from now on, the saying shall be, “There’s more than one way to chill a beer!” Here are a few alternative ways to keep your brew frosty.

  FIRE EXTINGUISHER

  For the drinker in a rush, a fire extinguisher’s liquid nitrogen contents can cool a beer in a matter of seconds—as opposed to the eternal ninety minutes it takes in a fridge. Make sure it’s a CO2 extinguisher, not a chemical one, unless you like your beer dusty and toxic.

  SNOWBANK

  Snow is nature’s icebox. Constructing a cooler out of piled snow offers a quick, all-natural method for chilling beer in a hurry. Millions of Canadians can’t possibly be wrong. But remember to mark the area since many beers have been lost under snow accumulation.

  TOP SHELF

  Hey, it’s not glamorous, but the water in a toilet tank usually runs colder than room temperature, making it a workable alternative. The circulation of cold water can reduce the temperature to a drinkable level. Plus, the displaced water in the reservoir can actually reduce your water bill. And those savings can be put toward … you guessed it, more beer.

  CANNED AIR

  Next time you need a beer chilled in an expensive and impractical way, just grab a Tupperware container big enough to hold a can, a screwdriver, and a can of compressed air. Place your beer in the container. Stab the lid with the screwdriver, being careful not to puncture the beer, insert the tube from the canned air, then blast it.

  THE STORE

  There is a magical place that keeps beers at the right temperature. And you don’t have to do a damn thing. Just pay for it, of course.

  ANYONE WHO TAKES DRINKING SERIOUSLY knows the importance of always having the right accessories. That’s why we’ve come up a comprehensive collection of “beer gear” to help you get your drink on.

  FOAM DOME

  A hat fashioned with two cup/can/bottle holders and plastic tubing leading from the open container to the wearer’s mouth, the foam dome frees the drinker’s hands up for other important tasks—like holding more beer.

  BEER HOLSTER

  Like a gun holster, the beer holster keeps a beer reliably at your side, ready to be enjoyed as soon as the one in your hand is finished, thus always preparing the busy partygoer with a steady backup.

  CARGO PANTS

  Depending on when you are reading this book, cargo pants are either in or out of favor with the fashion gods. But the beer gods have never wavered. Cargo pants provide a plethora of areas that some call pockets, and we call beer holders. The only downside is the TSA body scan at the end of the night to locate your house keys among the twenty-seven hiding places on your person.

  BEER GOGGLES

  Although not technically a physical item, beer goggles are no less real. Often unknown to the wearer, they distort one’s ability to distinguish between a hottie and a nottie when approaching a potential romantic partner. Always confirm attractiveness with trusted friends (including your soda-sipping designated driver).

  SOMETIMES THE BEST PIECE of beeraphernalia is simply more alcohol. While some may call it blasphemy, others believe that while beer is perfect on its own, it’s even better with a little somethin’-somethin’ extra.

  MIXED PINTS

  Mixed pints are usually concoctions that involve pouring two different types of beer into one glass to make a completely new hybrid—like a liger or a Bennifer.

  BLACK AND TAN: Half-pint of ale topped with a nitrogenated stout like Guinness

  HALF AND HALF: Half-pint of lager topped with stout

  SNAKEBITE: Half-pint of hard cider topped with stout

  SHANDIES

  This refreshing concoction of beer and soda has made a sweet splash in tropical paradises around the world.

  ALSTER: Beer (typically pilsner) and lemonade

  RADLER: Beer and lemon-flavored soda

  SHANDYGAFF: Beer and ginger ale

  BOMBS

  Appropriately named, these drinks involve dropping a shot of hard stuff into a pint of beer and chugging the mix down.

  BOILERMAKER: A shot of whiskey or bourbon dropped into a beer

  THE IRISH CAR BOMB: A mixed shot of Irish cream liqueur and Irish whiskey dropped into a pint of Irish stout

  SAKE BOMB: A shot of warm sake balanced on two chopsticks over a beer, dropping when the table is pounded

  PROHIBIDOS: A shot of blanco tequila dropped into a half-full pint of Mexican beer rimmed with salt

  BEER COCKTAILS

  Always the team player, beer can also serve as a key ingredient in a number of punches and cocktails. For the recipes below, all you need to do is mix together the ingredients, serve to your amazed friends, and look cool.

  BEER MARGARITAS

  12-ounce can of beer

  12-ounce can of frozen limeade concentrate

  12 ounces golden tequila (like Jose Cuervo Especial)

  12 ounces lemon-lime soda

  3 cups of ice

  RUDDY MARY

  12 ounces lager

  2 ounces tomato juice

  1 splash hot sauce

  MICHELADA

  6 ounces clam-flavored tomato juice (like Clamato)

  2 dashes premium Worcestershire sauce

  2 dashes Tabasco

  2 tablespoons lime juice

  1 pinch black pepper

  1 pinch sea salt

  12 ounces Mexican lager (like Tecate)

  COACH SAYS

  In Mexico, micheladas are considered a good remedy for hangovers. Behold the mighty power of clams.

  TAILGATING THE EXPERT WAY

  There’s no better reason to break out all of one’s beeraphernalia than a tailgate.

  TAILGATING HAS EVOLVED from a couple guys huddled around a charcoal grill, cooking dogs and downing drinks before the game, to a full-blown “event before the event,” with beer being the main event of the event before the event. Without beer, there is no tailgate.

  Here’s what you need for improving your tailgate mastery from the pros at the National Tailgating League (theNTL.com).

  BEER: This is the most important element of any tailgate. A hefty hoof to the stadium or a burnt burger will be overlooked if your guests are sufficiently inebriated, but running out of beer is an unforgivable offense.

  GOOD FIELD POSITION: Location is as important in tailgating as it is in real estate. You need ample room for your setup, but you also need to be close to the event. After wolfing down tons of grub and guzzling gallons of beer, the journey to the stadium shouldn’t require a
map.

  THEME: A themed tailgate and attention to detail are always appreciated. Everything attendees see, touch, and taste should be event-branded with team colors.

  INNOVATION: Anyone can buy cool tailgating gear; diehards make their own. From keg cookers to tricked-out rides, nothing elevates your tailgating status like a one-of-a-kind invention.

  TIME MANAGEMENT: Science has proven you can’t throw a good party in ninety minutes. Grills should be lit and beer should be flowing hours before the actual event. Done properly, a good tailgate will provide hours of enjoyment for all involved.

  POTENTIAL AUDIBLE: Mother Nature hates you. Keep a close eye on the weather and be ready for anything she may throw your way.

  A wise man once said, “The gap between the lip and the glass is a mile if it is an inch.”

  THAT’S FORTUNE COOKIE TALK FOR, “It’s really easy to spill your beer if you don’t know how to drink it.” Beer drinking may seem as easy as: bring beer to mouth, pour in, swallow, and repeat. However, a lot can go wrong in that simple process.

  Without the knowledge of a full 360-degree beer-drinking procedure, an inexperienced drinker can end up with a mouthful of airy foam instead of delectable beer. But as every pro knows, there’s the right way to do something, then there’s the awesome way to do something. And beer drinking is no exception.

  CRACKING OPEN A BEER is much like zipping up a pair of pants: rushing through it haphazardly will lead to painful, regrettable results. With that in mind, knowing the proper way to open a beer is the first step toward enjoying it.

  OPENING CANS

  The act of opening a beer can has dropped down on life’s difficulty list (somewhere on the “easy as” scale between falling off a log and pie). But just because it’s not a complex process doesn’t mean that there isn’t room for awesomeness.

  THE ONE-HANDER

  When you just can’t afford to have both hands tied up in cracking a brew, here is the simplest way to get it open.

  STEP 1. Hold the can underhanded with your thumb and middle finger firmly around the rim.

  STEP 2. Use your index finger to slide under the tab and open the can.

  STEP 3. Use your index finger to push the tab back to its original position.

  STEP 4. Enjoy the envy of your friends.

  COACH SAYS

  Work on the One-Hander with each hand, alternately, so you can eventually open two cans at once—like the Terminator with two shotguns, only with beer and no juiced-up Austrian robots.

  THE STEALTH OPEN

  It seems like sacrilege to muffle one of the most Pavlovian reaction–inducing sounds in all of human history. But where public displays of brewskis are frowned upon, you should consider opening on the DL.

  STEP 1. Get the tab in ready position, lifted but not breaking the seal.

  STEP 2. Cover the top with a cotton towel or a crappy sweater.

  STEP 3. Gently pull the tab and release the pressure in several short releases.

  STEP 4. For the final “push” to pop through the top, create a distraction sound when you pull it, like a cough, a throat-clear, a well-placed fart, or simply say, “Psst, I’m not opening a beer now.”

  THE DIY WIDEMOUTH

  Need more room for the brew to flow from can to man? Here is an easy way to convert any can into a widemouthed beer delivery device.

  STEP 1. Open the can and place on a secure surface—a table-like object will do.

  STEP 2. Place your elbow carefully over the mouth of the can.

  STEP 3. Push down with medium force to expand the opening into a smile shape—being careful not to cut your elbow area on the edges.

  OPENING BOTTLES

  Beer needs to be securely sealed for freshness, transportation, and sometimes fermentation. However, because of this, opening a beer bottle can seem like a Herculean task if a bottle opener is unavailable—at least it would be to an amateur.

  THE BLUNT-FORCE PRINCIPLE

  Looking for a dramatic, cool, and possibly costly method? Well, you’re in luck. This technique is similar to breaking a board with your bare hands: well-applied motion can create a substantial effect. And possibly damage furniture. Here is how.

  STEP 1. Place the underside edge of the bottle cap on the edge of a hard, flat surface like a table.

  STEP 2. Apply direct yet quick pressure (aka smack) the top of the cap with your palm or the side of your fist.

  STEP 3. The hard edge of the surface should do the rest of the work, popping off the top.

  ADVANCED VARIATION

  CD TECHNIQUE

  This technique is similar to opening a champagne bottle with a saber—but without the cool sword part. Lay the CD onto of the label of the bottle. Then, with ninja-like efficiency, thrust the CD up the neck of the bottle with great speed, making sure to clip the underside of the cap. Follow through with the thrust and watch the cap take flight.

  THE LEVER PRINCIPLE

  This approach requires the application of a few basic physics equations to unlocking the brew. It needs an object that serves two main tasks: to break the bottle cap’s grip and to provide leverage for lifting it off. Here’s how to apply it using a lighter.

  STEP 1. Choke up on the bottle with one hand. Insert the bottom of the lighter between your top finger and the bottom of the cap, aiming above the center of the bone between your knuckle and first finger joint.

  STEP 2. Tighten your grip of the bottle. You should feel one edge of the lighter digging into the flexed muscle between your knuckles on the side of your finger. The other edge should now be pushing up on the bottle cap.

  STEP 3. Push down on the metal end of the lighter. This will cause the lighter to bend the lip of the bottle cap out, away from the beer bottle. If all goes well, the cap will fly off and you will be cool.

  ADVANCED VARIATIONS

  BEER BOTTLE TECHNIQUE

  Use the one thing that always accompanies your beer—another beer. Hold another bottle upside down and use the underside of its cap as the lever.

  PAPER TECHNIQUE

  Fold a piece of a paper as above and use the same method as with the lighter. Puts origami to shame.

  TEETH TECHNIQUE

  Yeth, it may be the cooleth method of all, but thith technique can altho theriouthly damage your theeth.

  TWIST OFF, PISS OFF

  They are supposed to be easier to remove than crown caps, but twist-offs can provide a challenge too. Here are three ways to finesse a finicky twist-off.

  DISH TOWEL: Locate a dry one and use it to wrap around the cap. This creates both better grip and increased torque.

  UNDERSIDE OF YOUR SHIRT: Less effective but more commonly available than a dish towel.

  HUMAN FLESH: Push very hard into the meaty part of your forearm and twist quickly. “Press hard” and “twist quickly” are the operative words. Take it slow and you’ll give yourself an Indian burn (or whatever the more PC term is for an ouchie).

  TAPPING KEGS

  Tapping a keg is a rite of passage for any professional beer drinker. For most mortals, a keg usually represents the single largest windfall of beer. It’s analogous to the slain mammoth being dragged back to the village for butchering and celebration. And it’s the alpha male’s (or female’s) job to do it—and do it right.

  HANDLE WITH CARE

  Always keep a keg in an upright position. Because of the weight and size, it’s nearly impossible to move a keg without angering it into a foamy frenzy. The best way to move a keg is with a dolly, or a hand truck. If a dolly is unavailable, then a steady drag (don’t jerk) is a suitable alternative. The secret to dragging a keg is to place a scrap of rug, a welcome mat, or a towel under it for a smoother slide.

  CHILL OUT

  Once you get the keg to its final resting place, it needs some time to rest and chill out—literally. Ideally, you want to bring the brew down to 35–40 degrees Fahrenheit. Let the keg rest for one to two hours surrounded with ice. And we mean surrounded—some keg tubs only go up ha
lfway so make sure to add a few bags of ice on top of the keg for more thorough chillage.

  COACH SAYS

  To minimize foam (and embarrassment), chill the tap too. The change in temperature (from cold keg to warm tap tube) produces more foam. Just place the disengaged tap on ice while the keg is chilling.

  PREPARE FOR ENTRY

  Make sure the tap’s spigot (this is where the beer comes out) is in the off position and remove the cap from the keg’s coupling (this is where you insert the tap). There are a few “slits” around the opening—these guide the notches on the tap into the correct place.