The Book of Beer Awesomeness
Page 6
FIFTY APPROVED EUPHEMISMS FOR BEER DRINKING
Being a master of the beer-drinking arts requires that one use the right jargon for the job—which is why we’ve provided this list of various beer-drinking euphemisms free of charge.
Twelve-ounce curl
Bending the elbow
Tying one on
Having a cold one
Knocking one back
Taking a load off
Guzzling
Sipping
Chugging
Gone drinkin’
Forgoing inhibitions
Having a nightcap
Indulging in libations
Knocking back a brew pounder
Going to a five o’clock meeting
Drowning sorrows
Drinking your dinner
Imbibing
Inebriating
Lubricating
Basting
Bellying up to the bar
Bottoming up
Black and tanning
Filling up
Sipping foam
Stein hoisting
Mug dipping
Pint polishing
Gulping
Going to the watering hole
Tapping the source
Going to the well
Hitting the trough
Picking your poison
Biting the dog that bit you
Celebrating life
Greasing the joints
Hitting the sauce
Redeeming your beer coupons
Loosening up
Widening the gyre
Wetting the whistle
Hitting the bottle
Overflowing the cup
Taking in spirits
Harvesting hops and barley
Kissing the mug
Having a session
Popping a frosty
The human body can do strange and amazing things.
GYMNASTICS, CALCULUS, POPPIN’ AND LOCKIN’: while these are all triumphs in human achievement, they pale in comparison to the advanced techniques man has developed for drinking beer.
Anyone can take beer into their mouth and swallow. But champions do more. They know that mastery of the malted monster means not just knowledge—but also artistry.
The following chapter will delve into the showmanship (and showwomanship) of beer drinking. We recommend you read (and learn) these advanced techniques with an open mind to truly understand the many ways to become a well-rounded and better beer drinker. And, dare we say, a better person.
There, we just said it.
ADVANCED STANCES
You can just sit there and sip on your bottle all night like a fragile newborn baby, or you can cowboy up, take a stand, and make a scene. Here’s how.
THE LONG-DISTANCE POUR-DOWN
The long-distance pour-down is a graceful display of both gravity and precision. For extra awesome credit, attempt to bite the last drop in midair.
THE HANDS-FREE
There’s a lot keeping the drinker’s hands busy: throwing a horseshoe, flipping a burger, punching a hippie. This trick keeps the drinker only a head nod away from imbibing.
THE BRO
This classic stance is a purposeful lunge mixed with a bit of Napoleonic bravado. Unfortunately, the Bros Icing Bros plague of 2010 has diminished some of its shine.
DRINKER DICTIONARY
WOUNDED SOLDIER
n. An unfinished beer found after a party.
THE PRIMARY CRITERIA for a successful chug is, of course, speed. The whole point is to get the liquid from point A (the container) to point B (your insides) as quickly as possible. But a second—less discussed—criterion is efficiency. A method that results in wasted, spilled, or otherwise mishandled beer lowers the quality of a chug at any speed.
With that in mind, here are several principles one can apply to any chug.
1. WARMER IS BETTER.
Ice-cold beer, while great for sitting by the dock of the bay, can cause undue difficulty during a high-speed entry. So let it mellow to just below room temperature.
2. FLATTER IS BETTER.
Carbonation is what makes beer refreshing and delicious. But the hero of taste is the enemy of chug. Allow your beer to flatten a little by letting it stay opened and untouched for a few minutes.
3. PICK YOUR TECHNIQUE BEFOREHAND.
There are two basic ways to chug: the trapdoor (no swallowing) and the gulp (swallowing). Our research shows that those who can trapdoor have a biological ability to relax the throat, overriding the gag reflex, so the beer can simply slide down. Everyone else must gulp. If you gulp, the best practice is to take just a few big gulps and allow your mouth to act as the reservoir between swallows.
4. RELAX.
Frankie says so. And so do we. By deciding on your technique beforehand and prepping the beer to the best of your ability, you can avoid choking—and, well, choking.
COACH SAYS
If you are intent on raising your chugging game, we recommend you practice with water. It’s cheaper and less carbonated, and you can practice anytime. The idea is to become familiar with the chugging sensation, letting your body relax and controlling your reflex to swallow too much.
CUP CHUG
This is the most basic and preferred method. Added benefit: the larger surface area of beer exposed to air allows for maximum gas release. Fewer bubbles in correlates to fewer bubbles out. Here’s how to pull it off.
STEP 1. CHOOSE THE RIGHT CUP. This might not always be an option, but look for one that is light and easy to lift. In addition, a thinner top with a lip improves pouring quality. The simple 16-ounce plastic cup remains one of the best for the job.
STEP 2. POUR HEADLESS. Try to create as little head as possible and keep it at least a half inch from the rim. This allows for more control over the angle of entry.
STEP 3. TAP IT OUT. In the moments before chugging, tap the cup gently a few times on a hard surface to release even more of the dissolved carbon dioxide
STEP 4. SQUEEZE IT IN. If the cup is flexible, gently squeeze in the sides to create an oval spout out of the shorter end to improve pour control.
STEP 5. ASSUME THE POSITION. Tilt your head back at an approximate 45-degree angle and bring the cup to your lips.
STEP 6. CHUG. Take a half breath and pour the beer into your mouth. If you are trapdooring it, take your first swallow and keep it open. If you are gulping, allow the beer level in your mouth to get to a large but manageable size and swallow.
STEP 7. TILT. Raise the cup at a smooth but increasingly higher angle to allow all of the goodness to flow out. You will need to increase the angle of your head as well, maxing out to an optimal 18.5-degree angle, but be careful not to go too fast and lose balance—and/or your lunch.
STEP 8. DISMOUNT. When the cup is empty, slowly bring it and your head back to the starting position. Show the empty container if required by party law.
THE WATERFALL CHUG
This is a highly advanced cup-chug technique and should only be attempted by the most awesome drinkers.
STEP 1. Pour the contents of one can or one bottle of beer evenly among three ten-ounce plastic cups.
STEP 2. Place them in a single-file vertical line.
STEP 3. Hold the cups as shown in the illustration.
STEP 4. Lift up all three, bring the first one to your lips, and begin to chug.
STEP 5. As it empties, raise the angle of all three so the beer pours from the third cup into the second, the second into the first, and the first into your little mouth.
STEP 6. Continue until all cups are empty and you are crowned ruler of the party.
SHOTGUNNING
Shotgunning a beer is one of the most efficient ways to get a beer out of the can and into the body, and it can be done in less time than it takes to think of just the right analogy.
The name “shotgun” comes from the rapid, almost explosive force with which the beer flows out of a punctured can and into an expert dri
nker’s mouth. While its exact origins are muddled in urban legend, its reliance on the invention of pull-top aluminum cans (patented in the Unites States in 1963) as well as its demonstration by John Cusack in the 1985 film The Sure Thing suggest that the technique was developed early in the second half of the twentieth century.
BREW FACT
In addition to The Sure Thing, shotgunning has appeared in several big-screen classics like Dazed and Confused and Superbad.
STEP 1. Hold the can horizontally with the top of the can facing away from the body. Make sure to keep the can perfectly still and straight in order to create a tiny air pocket.
STEP 2. Poke the back end of the can with a key or can opener. Once the can is punctured, push the edges of the hole inward to make the hole less sharp to prevent hand or lip lacerations.
BREW FACT
An average shotgun session takes under ten seconds. However, according to the Universal Record Database, the fastest time for shotgunning a 12-ounce can of beer is 2.78 seconds.
STEP 3. Close your lips around the hole, making it as airtight as possible, then bring the can up to your mouth in a diagonal position (the bottom of the can should be at a 45-degree angle to the ground).
STEP 4. Tilt the can back into a vertical position and immediately pull the trigger—pop the top. The air will rush in, forcing the beer out through the hole in the bottom and directly into the mouth in a matter of seconds
COACH SAYS
Make sure the beer is not ice-cold when performing the shotgun—otherwise you can get some serious brain freeze.
BEER FUNNEL
Beer funneling, also known as beer bonging, is a popular drinking technique designed to let you consume a full serving (or more) of beer in a minimal amount of time.
Though the true origin of the beer funnel is unknown, it’s been speculated that its design and purpose are derived from the yard of beer drinking glass. Drinking a yard of beer (see Beer Drinking Basics) properly was a popular pub competition dating back to the 1600s. The modern beer funnel shares a similar aesthetic design and a similar purpose: speedy beer delivery.
ITEMS TO USE FOR PUNCTURING A CAN TO SHOTGUN
Bottle opener
Key for the car you will not be driving
Pen or pencil
Chopstick
Screw or nail
Golf tee
Old USB drive
A sharp stick
A freakishly long and sharp thumbnail
HOW TO BUILD A BEER BONG
What you’ll need:
One 64-ounce plastic funnel
2–6 feet clear plastic tube
Duct tape
STEP 1. ASSEMBLE DURING PURCHASE. Before you leave the store, make sure the funnel fits snugly into the tubing. The diameter of the tube should be no more than an eighth of an inch bigger than the end of the funnel.
STEP 2. MEASURE YOUR TUBE. Before you cut the tubing, you need to decide if this will be a device to be used by the drinker or administered by another party. If the drinker will handle his or her own bong, then you want to keep it on the short side, around two feet, so you can easily get it over your head without too much extra slack. If someone else is going to hold it, go longer, between four and six feet.
STEP 3. ASSEMBLE. It does not require an advanced degree in engineering to figure this part out. Push the small end of the funnel into one end of the tubing. Make sure the connection between the tube and funnel is airtight. More importantly, make sure it is beertight too. As with most things in life, a few passes with the duct tape should suffice. Done and done.
HOW TO USE IT
STEP 1. KINK THE TUBE. With the beer funnel in hand, the first task is to “kink” the tube. To do this, place a thumb in the open end of the tube. Make sure the thumbed end of the tube is raised to the same level as the top of the funnel. Doing so should allow the tubing to hang like a U.
STEP 2. LOAD THE BEER. Slowly, begin pouring a beer into the funnel. Take advantage of the funnel’s wide, angled sides and pour against them to prevent excess foaming. Avoid pouring the beer directly into the hose, as that will trap more air and make it more difficult to drink.
STEP 3. SETTLE AND BURP THE BEER. Once the beer is poured, let it settle in the tubing for several seconds; doing so allows excess air—and the subsequent foam it produces—to escape. Next, slowly release the thumb that has been blocking the open end of the tube to “burp” out more excess carbonation.
STEP 4. RELEASE THE SAUCE. With the funnel and the end of the tube still raised to the same height, place the tube in the drinker’s mouth. Use the tongue to block the tube and prevent accidental flow. When ready, raise the funnel as high above the drinker’s mouth as possible. This can be done in a number of ways, but the most common is for the drinker to get down on bended knee while a friend holds the funnel. Gravity is the key here; the higher the funnel is above the mouth, the faster and smoother the gulps. The average drinker can finish twelve ounces of funneled beer in two to three gulps.
STEP 5. HOIST THE MONSTER. Like Perseus holding the head of Medusa, you too must stand triumphant. Avoid swinging the bong around by the mouth-end of the tube because a broken bong will put a quick and violent end to your celebration.
BEER BANTER
“If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.”
—JACK HANDEY
KEG STANDS
Few challenges in the world test a drinker’s stamina like the keg stand. A staple at college parties and tailgates, keg stands are the ultimate test of mind and body. As its name suggests, a keg stand involves doing a handstand on top of the keg while continuously drinking from it. If that sounds impressive, here is how to step up to the big stand.
STEP 1. BUILD THE FOUNDATION. The most important part of a keg stand is the “stand” itself. The drinker should start by holding tightly to the grips on the top of the keg. Recruit trustworthy friends to hold the drinker’s legs and hoist them up so that he’ll be held between a 45- and 90-degree angle.
STEP 2. MAN THE TAP. Have another person place the tap into the drinker’s mouth. This person will also need to man the pump.
STEP 3. DRINK IT DOWN. The beer will begin rushing into the drinker’s mouth once the tap has been pressed. One of the people holding the drinker’s legs should also be counting to see how long the stand lasts.
ADVANCED KEG STAND TECHNIQUES
While the standard keg stand is a great way to show off one’s drinking and balancing skills, it lacks a certain flair. Here is a rundown of some stands that will keep people talking long after the party is over.
THE GARGOYLE KEG STAND
This stand is all about making a scene. It is done by perching atop the keg and balancing in a gargoyle-like pose while drinking directly from the tap. Discipline is needed to hold that pose for as long as you can, which can get quite difficult if there’s a line of angry drinkers waiting for their turn at the keg.
THE GREATEST AMERICAN HERO STAND
This stand involves one person holding up their body weight with one hand while the other hand handles the beer dispensing. There are two ways to achieve this. One, be gifted with superhuman upper-body strength. This applies to a small group of gymnasts, ninjas, and Cirque du Soleil performers. Two, use the walls in a narrow hallway to walk your feet up.
THE MAGNUS
This keg stand pays tribute to the strongman competition that heats up the airwaves of ESPN13 at four in the morning. The drinker hoists the keg over his head while keeping the spigot in his mouth. If you are able to perform this technique, stay clear of remote villages whose residents might be frightened and chase you with torches and pitchforks.
WIDE RECEIVERS HAVE A TOUCHDOWN DANCE. Wrestlers have a finishing move. Bands trash the stage. A champion beer drinker needs a victory move too. Something as monumental as drinking a beer cannot go out with a whimper.
BASIC MOVES
THE ALL-GONE
There’s
always one wiseass in the room who will question whether you’re finishing each beer or simply pretending to polish them off to keep pace. Turning your can or cup upside down will shut his piehole once and for all.
THE SPIKE
Grab your fellow beer drinkers’ attention by spiking your can onto the floor. This simple and easily executed maneuver is a sure sign that (a) you’re a force to be reckoned with, and (b) you’re clearly at someone else’s house.
THE OVER-THE-SHOULDER FLING
Nothing says nonchalance like casually tossing an empty can over your shoulder. It’s no wonder it was the go-to move for an entire generation of hard-drinking skirt chasers like Steve McQueen and Burt Reynolds.
THE SIMBA LIFT
Not only is the act of holding your empty can above your head a nice homage to The Lion King, but it also demonstrates the deep reverence you have for mankind’s finest liquid libation.