The Book of Beer Awesomeness

by Dan DiSorbo

  MR. THUMB: The President places her thumb on the table; the last person to follow suit must drink.

  LITTLE MAN: Before taking a drink, all players must pretend to pick up a “little man” from the lip of his cup, and replace him after drinking. Forget, and you must drink more.

  Drinking, bluffing, spelling; B-E-E-R has it all! A fast-paced game, B-E-E-R tests its players’ ability to match cards. While many other games in this world like to dress themselves up with clever, academic-sounding names like Jeopardy, Pictionary, and Grab Ass, B-E-E-R is a game that knows what it is, knows what it’s used for, and rewards its players accordingly.

  WHAT YOU’LL NEED BESIDES BEER

  Two decks of playing cards

  SETUP

  B-E-E-R is best played with three to five players.

  Players arrange themselves around a table.

  Four cards are dealt out to each player, facedown.

  All players look at their own hand but don’t show it to the others.

  A set amount of cups filled with two ounces of beer are placed in the center of the table totaling one less than the number of players playing. For example, if there are four players, three cups are needed.

  GAME PLAY

  Each player’s goal is to make her four cards into a set of four of a kind by drawing new cards and discarding unwanted ones.

  No player may have more than five cards or fewer than four cards at any given moment. Players must hold their cards in their hands.

  Play begins when the first player selects the top card from the remaining deck and then discards one card to the right, facedown on the table.

  The next player picks up the discarded card, discards a card to her right, and play continues with the next player.

  The last player discards her card into a discard pile, while the first player continues to select cards from the original pile.

  Players are not allowed to pick up a discarded card until they have discarded one, so if they are slow, their piles could build up.

  As soon as any player has a set of four cards of the same value, she is allowed to take a beer from the middle of the table.

  As soon as any player grabs a beer, all the other players must also grab a beer.

  SCORING (DRINKING) METHOD

  The player who ends the round without a beer gets the letter B and must drink one of the cups from another player and refill it. A player losing a round for the first time earns the letter B, then at the next loss the letter E, and so on until spelling out B-E-E-R.

  Beers can be reached for at any time so long as the beer is not actually touched. This is called bluffing and causes someone to improperly grab a beer prematurely.

  If a player grabs a beer prematurely, she automatically gets a letter and must take a drink.

  In some cases, a player may get four of a kind and grab a beer without the other players noticing. If enough time passes, the player who grabbed the beer may yell “social” and the players who didn’t realize there were beers missing automatically get a letter and must take a drink.

  When a player has accumulated all four letters in B-E-E-R, she is eliminated from the game and must drink from all the remaining cups and refill them all except one. At that time, the number of cups used in the game is reduced by one.

  The game continues until only one person remains. That person is declared the winner.

  This game is like a country song in a nutshell. It is full of lying, cheating, beer drinking, and card playing. The only missing element is a fiddle solo. But do not focus on the lack of the redneck violin; enjoy the unabashed opportunity to lie through your teeth. And through any orifice of your choosing.

  WHAT YOU’LL NEED BESIDES BEER

  A deck of playing cards

  SETUP

  Beeramid requires at least three players but it gets more interesting with more players—up to eight.

  A dealer sets up a pyramid of cards facedown on a table: five cards on the bottom row; four on the next; then three, two, and one on the top. (See following illustration if you’re confused.)

  Each player is dealt four facedown cards. Players are allowed to look at their cards but must not let any of the other players see them.

  GAME PLAY

  Play begins when the most bottom left card of the pyramid is flipped faceup by the dealer.

  COACH SAYS

  Once you get the hang of basic Beeramid, try playing with two decks. There will be two of each card, making the bluffing way more interesting.

  DRINKER DICTIONARY

  BEERAMID

  Do confuse this game with an actual beeramid.

  n. An improvised sculpture created solely out of empty beer cans—often as a way to celebrate the number of cans consumed.

  SCORING (DRINKING) METHOD

  Any player holding a card matching the same value (number) of the turned card may give out a drink. If they have more than one matching card, they are allowed to give out additional drinks for each match they possess.

  Players may also bluff and pretend to have a match.

  When another player is told to drink, he can either accept the drink or call the bluff.

  If the player was bluffing and his bluff is called, he must drink double.

  If the player was not bluffing, he must quickly show his card to prove it and the player that mistakenly called the bluff must now drink double.

  After each round, the original card is flipped facedown and the next card in the row is flipped faceup. Play continues down the row.

  After the final card in each row is flipped, play continues up to the next row starting from the left. Play continues until the very top card is flipped.

  Each card represents one drink and each row represents the number of drinks. Each card in the bottom row is worth one drink, then two drinks for the cards in the next row, then three, four, and five drinks for the following rows.

  Drinks can be given out in any combination, all to one player or to several players.

  Whichever player(s) have a match to the last card, without bluffing, win.

  If no one has a match for the last card, everyone drinks and everyone wins. Yeah!

  Joining Asshole in the pantheon of “Games Named After Your Favorite Curse Words” is Bullshit. When first hearing about a game called Bullshit, many players may think it involves either (a) cow feces, or (b) unabashedly lying. Fortunately for most, this game involves the latter.

  WHAT YOU’LL NEED BESIDES BEER

  A deck of playing cards

  SETUP

  Bullshit is ideally played with at least three players.

  The cards are dealt out evenly among the players, facedown.

  All players look at their own hand but don’t show it to the others.

  GAME PLAY

  Play begins clockwise with cards being discarded facedown (which is the key) in order, starting with two and proceeding up to ace. For example, Player 1 (the first player dealt) begins by laying down a two (suit does not matter in this game). Player 2 must lay a three facedown on top of the two. Player 3 must now lay down a four, and so on up to the ace, then starting again with a two.

  If a player has multiples of the proper card (for example, two threes) she is allowed to lay them all down but must call out the amount she is laying down (“two threes”).

  If a player does not have the proper card, she must “bullshit” and lay down any card(s) she wants. No “passes” are allowed.

  At any time a player can call “bullshit” on another player’s laydown.

  SCORING (DRINKING) METHOD

  If the player is caught bullshitting, she must pick up the entire discard pile and add it to her hand. She also takes a drink for every card she picked up.

  If the player was not bullshitting, the player who called her out must pick up the entire discard pile and add it to her hand. She must also take a drink for every card she picked up.

  A player wins by successfully discarding all of her cards.

  VARIAT
ION:

  SINNER’S BLUFF

  This version adds the element of corporal punishment. If a player is caught cheating, the other players can slap her hand when retrieving their next card across the table.

  COACH SAYS

  In case you haven’t figured it out, most of the time players are bullshitting.

  For most, going onto the golf course means spending a day wandering the green and dragging a heavy bag of clubs while sipping beer in between holes. That said, it was only a matter of time before people wised up and brought golf to the drinking table instead of bringing drinking to the golf course.

  WHAT YOU’LL NEED BESIDES BEER

  A deck of playing cards

  SETUP

  This game requires two to four players (just like in real golf, a foursome is the most fun).

  All players “tee off” by being dealt four cards, each placed facedown in a line.

  The rest of the deck is placed to the side.

  Players are only allowed to look at their outer two cards.

  GAME PLAY

  Each card is given a “stroke” value as follows: Ace = 1 point

  Cards 2–9 = face value points

  Queen = 10 points

  King = 10 points

  Ten and jack = 0 points

  The goal is to make the four cards’ total value be lower than the opponents’ by discarding one card per turn and replacing it with a new card from the deck.

  Starting clockwise from the dealer, the first player takes a “swing” by drawing a card from the top of the deck. The swinger can either take a “mulligan” by replacing any of his cards with this new card or may simply discard it by placing it faceup next to the deck.

  In the event of a mulligan, the discarded card is placed faceup next to the deck.

  Play continues with the next player either picking up the top card from the discard pile or drawing a new card from the top of the deck.

  Once any player thinks he has the lowest score, that player knocks the table instead of drawing a card.

  After a knock, each player has one more turn to draw a card.

  When the last player is finished, everyone flips their cards over to reveal their scores.

  COACH SAYS

  Replacing the two “hidden” cards is always a shot in the dark. Wait until you are happy with the two outside cards before you attempt to go down the middle. Think, reader, think!

  SCORING (DRINKING) METHOD

  The player with the lowest score wins and everyone else must drink the difference between the winning score and his score. For example if the winner scores a five and you have a twelve, you must take seven drinks.

  If the player who knocked does not have the lowest score, he must drink double his difference.

  Play continues for nine or eighteen “holes,” with the winner being the player who wins the most rounds.

  Viva la fiesta! This is a very simple game of deceit to play at parties, as it requires little more than dice, a cup, and basic elementary-school math skills. Best of all, it’s quick and easy to grasp, meaning a few players can orchestrate this game, play it, and still have time to celebrate Cinco de Mayo despite having no Mexican heritage!

  WHAT YOU’LL NEED BESIDES BEER

  Two dice

  One red party cup (preferably the 16-ounce model)

  SETUP

  Mexican requires at least three players, though it’s also fun with more.

  The dice spend a lot of time in the cup, so be sure to find a cup that hasn’t been used for drinking yet.

  GAME PLAY

  The first player shakes the two dice in the cup and then turns the cup upside down on the table, keeping the dice hidden. The shaker, or “Hombre,” is allowed to peek at the roll and quickly covers the dice.

  A roll of 2-1 is a “Mexican” and is the best roll. The next best rolls in decreasing order are as follows: 6-6, 5-5, 4-4, 3-3, 2-2, 1-1, 6-5, 6-4, 6-3, 6-2, 6-1, 5-4, 5-3, 5-2, 5-1, 4-3, 4-2, 4-1, 3-2, and 3-1 being the worst roll.

  After reviewing the dice, the Hombre announces her roll to everyone, keeping the dice hidden.

  The next player must now try to beat the Hombre’s roll, or any player (even if it’s not her turn) may call a “bluff.”

  If a player calls the bluff, the Hombre must show her roll.

  SCORING (DRINKING) METHOD

  If the Hombre was bluffing, she gets one point and must drink the total amount of the actual roll. For example, if the Hombre bluffed and said she rolled a 4-4 but actually rolled a 4-3, the hombre drinks takes seven drinks (4 plus 3 equals 7).

  If the Hombre was not bluffing, the accuser gets one point and must drink the total amount of the actual roll, unless the Hombre rolled a Mexican, in which case the accuser must finish her beer and is automatically eliminated from the game.

  If no one calls a bluff during the course of each player having a roll, the player with the best score wins the round and all the other players get one point and must drink.

  A player is eliminated when she gets five points. Play continues until there is only one Hombre left and this player is declared the winner. Olé!

  FIFTEEN RULES OF PROPER BEER-DRINKING ETIQUETTE

  1. Always perform a toast when drinking the first beer of the day.

  2. Never complain about a free beer.

  3. Always have at least one six-pack in your fridge at all times.

  4. Have a bottle-opening apparatus on you at all times.

  5. At house parties, mark your beer so you know it’s yours.

  6. Never pooh-pooh another drinker’s preference; everyone has their own poison.

  7. At keg parties, only fill two cups at a time per person. Any more than that, get back in line.

  8. If you bring beer to a party, you may drink it, but you’re not allowed to take any extra home.

  9. If someone buys you a beer, you must finish it.

  10. If someone buys you a beer, you must buy them the next round.

  11. If someone buys a round for a group, the group should toast to the buyer’s health.

  12. If you spill someone else’s beer, you owe them a new one.

  13. If someone leaves their seat to get a new beer, you must honor their claim on the space for five minutes.

  14. Never bring a beer into the bathroom. It’s just weird.

  15. Clean up after yourself. You weren’t raised in a barn. (If you were, we apologize.)

  Games of skill represent a delicious intersection of two unique forces—mind and body.

  UNLIKE GAMES OF MEMORY OR STRATEGY, games of skill require an aptitude for both physical and mental challenges, demanding dexterity, focus, visual acumen, leadership, and sometimes teamwork. And since the addition of beer can dramatically impact all of the above, the appeal of these games becomes clear.

  Combining beers with skills actually creates a level playing field, or in some cases, a level playing table. Players need not possess superhuman drinking ability or strength. They only need to possess a will to win, a drive to compete, and an uncanny ability to bounce something into something else.

  Aficionados of this exhilarating game of plinks and plunks continue to debate its origins. Some camps claim it was invented in a dusty basement at the University of Colorado, while others insist it was hatched at a frat house at Colby College in Waterville, Maine. What is certain is that Beer Die is here to stay.

  WHAT YOU’LL NEED BESIDES BEER

  One table (6–8 feet long)

  One chair per player

  One die

  Four widemouth plastic party cups

  SETUP

  Beer Die requires two teams with two players per side.

  Both teams must sit at opposite ends of a table.

  One full cup of beer is placed in front of each player.

  GAME PLAY

  One player from each team rolls the die to see which team goes first. The highest roll wins.

  The first player then throws the die underhand across the table in an attemp
t to plunk it into one of his opponents’ cups. The toss must peak at least as high as the tallest player’s head to be ruled eligible.

  Beer Die is a turn-based game and each player is given a chance to throw the die, with each throw alternating between teammates and teams.

  DRINKER DICTIONARY

  PDT

  n. Short for Perfect Die Toss, this is an incredible—and incredibly difficult—shot that bounces off the back edge of the table. So instead of traveling up, it travels straight down, making it exceedingly difficult to defend.

  SCORING (DRINKING) METHOD

  If the thrower succeeds in getting the die into the cup, his team gets two points and the opponent who was scored upon must remove the die and chug.