Bring Me Back

by Micalea Smeltzer

  “I’ll remember that,” I say.

  We leave the shed and Ryder locks it up. I follow him back inside, feeling weird to go first, and he leads me to the family room where he collapses on the couch and pats the space beside him. I take a seat, drawing my legs under me.

  “How’s it going at the apartment?” he asks. “You haven’t called me since that first night.”

  “It’s okay.” I shrug. “The cable finally got hooked up and Hannah’s come over the last two nights and my parents too. Hannah’s my friend that lives in the apartment below me,” I explain.

  He nods. “It’s nice you have someone there that close.”

  “It is,” I agree. I wince and move my legs out from under me. “My feet are killing me,” I groan. I lean forward and kick off my flats so I can rub my sore feet.

  He moves my hand away. “Here, let me.”

  I look at him like he’s lost my mind. “You want to rub my feet?”

  “Sure. They’re hurting and I want you to feel better.” This man. This man. He will be the end of me. I lie back and stretch my legs out, putting them in his lap. “Here,” he says, and hands me a pillow. “I’m sure you want a pillow behind your back.”

  “You’re a mind reader.” I take the pillow from him and position it behind me. Once I’m situated, he goes to work massaging his thumb into the arch of my foot. It feels so good that my toes curl. “You have no idea how good that feels,” I moan.

  He chuckles and moves his thumb to a different spot. “I think I have some idea.” I let my eyes drift closed, stifling a yawn. “It’s okay if you fall asleep,” he assures me. “I’ll wake you up when it’s time to go.”

  “Mmm,” I say. I’m too relaxed to form words.

  I don’t really intend to fall asleep but then I do.

  When I wake up, there’s a blanket spread over me and Cole’s up and running around with Ryder chasing after him.

  “Hey, you’re up.” Ryder smiles, scooping up Cole in his arms and spinning him around like an airplane. “The babysitter will be here soon and then we can head over to Group.”

  I sit up and the blanket pools at my waist. “I’m supposed to get the food this week,” I say, looking around for my shoes. I find them on the floor and bend over to put them on.

  “Don’t worry about it,” Ryder says. “I asked Ivy to do it. Next week was her turn so I figured you guys could swap weeks.”

  “Oh, good. Thanks.” I run my fingers through my hair. It’s a mess from falling asleep on the couch. “Where’s your bathroom?” I ask. “I need to freshen up a bit.”

  “Down the hall on your left.”

  I follow his instructions and find it easily enough. I lock the door and stand in front of the pedestal sink. I turn the water on and dampen my hands before patting my face and back of my neck. I dry my hands off on the towel and then run my fingers through my hair, trying to make it look halfway decent after being slept on.

  I leave the bathroom just as the babysitter arrives. “Oh,” she says when she sees me. “Hi, I’m Kenna.” She’s young, probably early twenties, with brown hair and a sprinkling of freckles across her nose.

  “Hi, nice to meet you.” I wave awkwardly.

  She looks between Ryder and me, clearly trying to figure out what’s between us. Good luck to her, because I can’t even figure it out.

  “Kenna knows what to do so we can head out.” Ryder nods at the door.

  “Bye, Cole,” I say and bend down to the little boy. “Oh,” I cry out as he dives into my arms to hug me.

  “Bwy,” he says, in his cute toddler way.

  “I’ll see you later, Kenna,” Ryder calls back to the sitter as she takes Cole’s hand and heads to the family room.

  Outside, Ryder and I head to our separate cars and drive to the school. We’re the first ones to arrive and I follow him in and help set up.

  “What’s on the agenda today?” I ask him.

  He shrugs and hands me a chair from the closet. “We haven’t done the cranes in a few weeks since Jason joined, so maybe we should do some today.”

  I smile. “Do you think the paper cranes we’ve made have helped anyone?”

  He grabs another chair and holds onto it, clearly thinking. “I don’t know, but I hope so, and I guess that’s enough.”

  We finish setting up the chairs and Ivy arrives with the snacks and coffee.

  “Hey,” I call over to her and wave. She gives me a one-fingered wave, struggling to hold onto everything. “Oh, let me help.” I hurry over to her and take the donut boxes from her.

  “I should’ve made two trips.” She laughs. “Lesson learned.”

  I open one of the donut boxes and pull out a glazed. “So,” I begin, “my friends want to throw a baby shower for me. Would you want to come?”

  She gasps. “Of course. I’d love to.”

  I can’t help but smile. “Really?”

  “Yeah, absolutely.” She nods. “It’ll be fun. Who doesn’t love all things baby?”

  “See, I told you.” Ryder chuckles and opens the donut box I hold, grabbing another glazed. “Mmm, these are good, better grab another.”

  I laugh when he takes a second and leaves.

  “Men.” Ivy laughs. “They eat everything.”

  “Speaking of eating, we need to do lunch again. Maybe we could get take-out and you could come see my apartment.”

  She smiles. “I’d like that. I’m excited to see your place. How are you liking it?”

  “I’ve only been there a few days, but I really like it. It’s … different, and definitely an adjustment, but it feels right. You know?”

  She nods. “Maybe once I see your place it’ll finally inspire me to move on.”

  “Aw, Ivy,” I say, setting the boxes down on the table so I can grab some coffee. “Don’t push yourself before you’re ready.”

  She sighs. “I should’ve been ready a long time ago.”

  I shake my head. “That’s not true. Everyone grieves at their own pace. You can’t push yourself—trust me. That’s led to many breakdowns on my part. And maybe moving out of your house isn’t the best route for you,” I continue. “You have to find your own way.”

  She sighs. “You’re sounding more and more like Ryder every day.”

  I laugh and glance back at where he stands in the doorway. “Is that such a bad thing?”

  “No, it’s not.” She smiles slyly and starts towards the seats. “You’ve got it bad, girl,” she sing-songs.

  This time I don’t rebuke her, because she’s right. She’s always been right and I didn’t want to see it. It’s easier to remain blind so you don’t have to accept the truth, but now my eyes are wide open.

  There’s a knock on my apartment door, but I’m not expecting anyone. I stare at the door like it has insulted me or something.

  Another knock.

  “Blaire, it’s me.”

  Hannah.

  I unlock the door and it swings open. “Oh, hey—” I begin and then see Casey and Chloe behind her. “Hi guys,” I say, opening it wider.

  “We wanted to bring you a housewarming present,” Hannah says. “I mean, I know I’ve seen the place but these goobers haven’t.” She motions to our friends behind her.

  “You’re obligated to show us the place since you won’t let us throw you a party.” Chloe pouts.

  “I’m pregnant,” I say by way of explanation. “Who wants to party when they’re carrying a basketball around all the time?” I point at my stomach.

  “Speaking of that,” Casey says as they move into the apartment, “are you still nixing the baby shower thing?”

  I haven’t gotten a chance to talk to them since I was at Group yesterday. Several people said they were interested in coming, even some of the men, so it doesn’t seem so pointless.

  “I changed my mind. I want one.”

  Casey squeals and fist pumps the air. “Yes,” she cries. “I knew you’d regret it if you told us no.”

  “Please don
’t make people play any of those stupid games,” I plead, swishing my hands back in forth in an X motion.

  “No promises.” Casey grins evilly.

  “So,” I say, “what’s this housewarming present you speak of?” I ask.

  “Oh, here.” Chloe holds out a carefully wrapped package. “It’s from all of us.”

  I rip off the paper, balling it up and tossing it on the floor. In my hand I hold a picture frame with a picture of us a few years ago on New Year’s Eve. I touch my finger to the glass, smiling wistfully. Ben took that photo.

  “Squish together,” Ben said, bringing his hands together like we didn’t know what to do. “Closer, closer. There.”

  By that point the four of us were a giggling mess, our arms wrapped each other. The flash went off and then someone yelled across the room, “It’s almost time!”

  “Ten, nine—”

  “Ben,” I cried, stumbling over my own two feet and collapsing against his chest. “I have to get my New Year’s kiss.”

  He laughed and steadied me.

  “Six, five—”

  “You think you’ll still want to kiss me next year?”

  “Abso-fucking-lutely.”

  “One.”

  He bent down and pressed his lips firmly against mine. My fingers tangled in his silky strands of blond hair and deepened the kiss. He broke the kiss with a half-grin. Around us people cheered and gold confetti rained down on us.

  He picked a piece of confetti off my nose. “I love you.”

  “I love you too.”

  The memory leaves me feeling sad, but happy at the same time. It’s a strange combination but it’s the truth.

  “Thanks for this,” I say.

  “You’re welcome,” Casey replies, looking at me uneasily. “Are you okay?”

  “Yeah, yeah I am.” I nod. I don’t feel like I’m going to cry, surprisingly.

  “Good,” Chloe claps, “because there’s more.” She produces a card from her purse. “Again, from all of us.”

  I open it up and find a gift card to a local home store. “Thanks guys. You really didn’t have to do this.”

  “We wanted to,” Hannah says.

  “That’s what friends are for.” Casey hugs me and takes a seat on the barstool.

  “I really do love you guys,” I say, clutching the picture frame to my chest. “Thank you, for being there for me, for all you—”

  “Please do not go all Ya Ya Sisterhood on my ass.” Casey holds up a hand to stop me. I can’t help but laugh. “Now please tell me your pregnant ass still has some wine around here somewhere.”

  I laugh again and point. “I was saving that.”

  “Well, now you’re not.” She grabs the bottle and starts rummaging through the drawers for the corkscrew. Casey has never had any problem making herself at home.

  I twist my engagement ring around on my finger. I’ve continued to wear it, because I didn’t want to part with it, but now I think I’m ready. I expected to have this huge monumental sort of moment when I finally decided—like doves flying and music playing—but of course it’s not like that. It almost seems fitting that my friends are here with me when I finally decide to do it.

  They’re busy pouring their wine into glasses so they don’t see me pull it off and place it on the counter.

  Hannah is the first to notice when she turns back around. “Is that …?” She pauses, afraid to say it.

  I nod.

  “Blaire,” Casey says, her eyes filling with tears. “Are you sure?”

  I nod. “It’s time. I’m ready.”

  We start to cry and they wrap their arms around me. I can’t help but think back to the photo where we were holding onto each other. It was for a very different reason, but true friends will be there no matter what. For the good and the bad. I know I’m lucky to have people I can count on and I’ll never take them for granted. Not ever again.

  Stage Five: Acceptance

  “Hey, Ben,” I whisper. It doesn’t feel right to speak at full volume.

  Not here. Not in a cemetery.

  My dress blows around my legs and my hair whips against my shoulders. It’s an unusually cool and windy day for early August. Normally, the weather stays blazing hot until the end of the month.

  “I miss you,” I continue. “So damn much.” I clear my throat, my emotions getting the better of me. I really thought I could do this without crying but it doesn’t seem likely. “It’s taken me eight long months but I’ve finally accepted things. I never thought I would, but I did. I know you’ve probably been up there yelling at me to get my shit together. I’m sorry for disappointing you.”

  Almost as soon as I say the words, I can hear Ben in my ear whispering, “You never disappoint me.”

  “I want you to know, that even though I’ve accepted that you’re gone, and I’m ready to move on with my life, it doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten you—or that I will forget you. Our love … you … It’s unforgettable.” I clasp my fingers together. “I used to think that our story ended in tragedy, but I was wrong.” I touch my hand to my stomach. “It ends with life and more love—a new kind of love. I wish you were here to witness it, but I know you’re up there, smiling down on us.” I look up to the cloudless blue sky. I close my eyes, feeling the sun’s rays fan across my skin. I look back down at his grave and the fresh flowers I laid there when I first arrived. “I’m happy,” I tell him, “and I’m not ashamed of that. Not anymore. I understand that I do deserve to be happy.” I clear my throat. “I met a guy and I like him. I really like him, Ben.” Tears fill my eyes. “I think I might be falling in love with him. I know you’d want that for me but it’s still hard.” I pause and take a deep breath. “You’d like him too. He has a little boy and he’s great. Just as sweet as his dad. I didn’t mean to move on,” I whisper. “I didn’t even really realize I had.” My brows draw together. “But somewhere along the way I did. I guess that’s how it works. It’s a gradual thing and one day you sort of realize hey, I’m okay and I’ve been okay. The bad days disappear and you smile and laugh again. And the memories … The memories don’t gut you open anymore. I’d forgotten what your voice sounded like but now I can hear it. Is that part of grief—that you temporarily forget and once you’re healed you can remember again?” I ask the air around me. I sigh, my hands falling to my sides. “I have to go, but I’ll come back soon.”

  I kiss my fingers and press them to the cold stone of the grave.

  I start to leave and then jolt. “Oh, I almost forgot.” I turn back around and pull the paper crane from my purse.

  I’d written on it: Until I see you again.

  I left the cemetery and drove back to my apartment. The girls had kicked me out so they could set up for the baby shower. When I got in the car there was a text waiting telling me to get my ass there.

  I walk up the steps, twirling my keys around my finger.

  I don’t really know what to expect from today, but I can say I’m excited. Surprisingly enough.

  I reach the top of the stairs just as the door to my apartment bursts open.

  “There you are,” Casey sighs, her blond hair curled around her shoulders. “I thought I was going to have to send out the SWAT team to find you.”

  “I didn’t flee the country, obviously.” I laugh as my purse slides off my shoulder to my elbow.

  “Everyone’s here,” she says, waving me inside. “So hurry up.”

  “You’re so demanding.” I lightly bump her shoulder with mine as I pass and she laughs.

  Inside, I’m surprised to find that the place is packed. It looks like everyone from Group turned out, which I wasn’t expecting.

  “Hi everyone,” I say. “I’d make introductions but I’m sure you’ve already done that.”

  “Come here.” Casey grabs me by the arm and guides me to a chair in the center of the room. “This is your seat,” she says, practically shoving me in it. For someone so small she’s awfully strong.

  Ryder smiles across
from me and waves. Butterflies ignite in my stomach.

  Casey bends down and whispers in my ear, “You have a lot of explaining to do.”

  “I know I should’ve told you guys about Group—” I start.

  She shakes her head. “Oh, please, I’m talking about the gorgeous guy over there. He talks about you like you’re … I don’t know, a goddess or something.” I bite my lip and look away. “Don’t even think about lying to us about him. I’m on to you.” She grins and stands up straight so she can address the room. “Now that the guest of honor’s here let’s get this party started!” She pumps her fist like we’re at the club—not like it’s the middle of the afternoon on a Sunday.

  “Loraine,” I breathe out, spotting Ben’s mom. “Hi.”

  “Hey, how have you been?” she asks, sitting on the couch between Ivy and a guy from Group.

  “Good, and you?”

  “Better.” She smiles. She still looks tired, but not quite as haunted. There’s color in her cheeks and her eyes aren’t bloodshot. I guess I’m not the only one doing well.

  From somewhere in the room, music starts to play. It’s some peppy pop tune they play all the time on the radio, so, of course, I love it.

  “Blaire told me she didn’t want any games at this baby shower, but it’s kind of obligatory,” Casey says, playing the hostess. “Since Blaire has elected not to reveal the baby’s name I thought we could make a guessing game out of it. Hannah is going to go around with slips of paper and pencils and you can write down what you think the name is and stick it in this bowl. You don’t win anything, but I figured Blaire could read them aloud at the end and it might give us all a laugh.”

  I don’t tell them but the reason I haven’t revealed the name is because I haven’t decided. Nothing feels right.

  I sit there quietly while everyone scribbles down their name choices and then stuffs it in the glass bowl.

  When that’s done, Casey takes the reins once more. “For the next game, we’re going to guess how big Blaire’s belly is. Hannah, do you have the string?”

  “Nope, I do,” Chloe chimes.

  “Oh, okay.” Casey laughs. “Chloe will go around with the string and you cut off how much you think it’ll take to go around her belly. The person with the best guess will win a gift card.”