Jude and Cal

by Jessie Pinkham

  “No.”

  The yetis started to chatter and claw at a solar panel.

  “Fuck. We have to shoot them,” said Cal.

  Jude watched as one of their attackers tossed the bone club to another, and then he saw in his mind’s eye the weeping mother of his brother’s youngest victim.

  They were the intruders on this planet. Did they have a right to kill possibly intelligent natives just to save themselves?

  “If they destroy the panels, we’re dead,” said Cal.

  Technically, the weapons were Jude’s job, as they were generally intended to be used while Cal was busy flying. Jude managed to get them aimed in the general direction of the yeti herd when he started remembering snatches of conversation about him.

  I’d watch out for that one.

  Identical twins? Could he be a serial killer waiting to happen?

  Isn’t this psychopathy genetic?

  I’d sleep with one eye open around him.

  And, most of all, he saw his brother the one and only time Jude had gone to visit him in prison, hoping to get answers. He found none, only John telling him, “The first time I killed it was that stupid bird, and I knew right away I’d kill again, even people. It’s a high like nothing else, Juju. The power to hold life and death in your hands, to play God.”

  He couldn’t press the button. Even if it meant he would die, and Cal too, his hands might as well have been stuck in cement.

  Cal routed weapons control to his own computer. “It’s us or them,” he said.

  Jude knew it. He still couldn’t move his hands. He just sat there like a fucking useless statue, watching while Cal took aim and shot one of the yetis beating up their solar panels.

  It fell off the side and didn’t move anymore. The rest of the herd howled and two more went for the weapon, clawing up the solar panels further. Cal shot a second yeti, and that got the message across. The remaining four jumped down and backed a few meters away.

  Jude still couldn’t move, mired in fear and self-loathing for his inability to act, though his heart raced out of control.

  “Come on,” Cal muttered. “Get the message.”

  The yetis did, and cautiously crept forward to the bodies. Two carried each body slung between them as they started to their trek back from when they came.

  Crisis over, Jude fell against the back of his chair. He couldn’t have managed to stay standing for anything in the aftermath of his massive adrenaline crash.

  “We’re down to seventy-one percent of our solar panel area,” said Cal. “Not ideal, but not likely to be fatal.”

  The shuttle was designed to run on seventy-five percent, or three full panels. The fourth was a spare, for which Jude was sure he’d be immensely grateful later when he could once more function like someone approaching a normal adult.

  “Hey,” said Cal, getting concerned for Jude now that the threat was gone. “It’s okay.”

  Nothing in Jude’s life had been okay since he received a phone call from his parents telling him his brother had been arrested on eight counts of kidnapping and murder. Nothing would ever really be okay, and he’d stopped fighting for what he couldn’t have, because why bother?

  The whole idea that he could have a relationship had been a temporary flight of fancy, and he’d be sure to gracefully allow Cal to drop the relationship material debate. After all, he’d just proven how massively fucked up he was, and doubtless it was a very convincing show indeed.

  Jude hated his brother. He always did, of course, once he learned the horrific extent of John’s crimes, and his own unwitting role in providing alibis, but sometimes it was also personal, selfish anger for the way John had ruined his life. This was just the latest addition to that list.

  Chapter 5

  Jude looked terrible, and considering how he’d frozen up at the prospect of shooting the yetis it had to be something to do with the issues resulting from his brother. It was very understandable baggage, to Cal’s mind. Having a relative who turned out to be a serial killer would screw up anyone. When that relative was an identical twin brother who used Jude as an alibi and inspired fearful gossip that Jude, too, could be a murderer, it all made for a perfect storm of fucked, and not the good kind of getting fucked.

  “I had to do it,” Cal said. “It was us or them, you know that.”

  “I know,” said Jude, but he gave Cal a weird look all the same.

  Cal didn’t exactly want to start a deep conversation about the topic, but he figured one was coming sooner or later, and they might as well get it over with. “Look, I’m sorry if you’re pissed that I killed those things, but I wasn’t about to sacrifice our lives for theirs.”

  Maybe the yetis were intelligent, maybe they weren’t. It didn’t really matter when they were destroying the solar panels keeping Cal and Jude from freezing to death, not to mention providing other life-sustaining necessities such as potable water. Cal hadn’t wanted to kill the yetis, but he would do it again if he had to. Self-defense was primal that way.

  “I’m not angry with you.” The statement wasn’t very convincing when Jude couldn’t even look in his general direction.

  “Could’ve fooled me.”

  “I’m not.” This time Jude managed to inject more certainty into his voice. “It was self-defense.”

  Cal knew that perfectly well.

  “It has nothing to do with you. I’m fucked up.”

  Wasn’t everyone? He didn’t trust himself to have even a sip of beer, he reacted very badly to anyone under the influence, and he hated his mother.

  “I would’ve let them destroy the panels and kill us,” said Jude.

  This was not news to Cal. He wasn’t sure Jude, left to his own devices, would’ve come out of his stupor in time to save the solar panels. In fact, he suspected the opposite.

  Jude’s self-recrimination continued. “Bad enough to put my own life at risk, but yours? That’s unconscionable.”

  The statement was heartening. “You say that like you care.”

  “Never said I didn’t,” replied Jude, which was undoubtedly the least romantic confession of feelings Cal had ever heard.

  He didn’t worry about it, partly because he had no need for mushy sentiment, and partly because Jude started shaking. Instead, he stood up and brought the man a glass of water.

  Between tentative sips, Jude said, “I’m sorry.”

  “No worries.” Okay, he was slightly worried that Jude was freaking out on him, but he wasn’t about to admit it and thereby make things worse.

  “My delay gave them more time to damage the panels.”

  It was true, so Cal didn’t argue. “Nothing catastrophic. We’re only talking another percent or two.”

  “Still.”

  “Yeah, well, that’s why there are two of us.”

  Jude leaned back until his skull hit his headrest, a picture of defeat. “My issues have never gotten in the way of the job before.”

  “Everyone’s issue come up now and then.”

  “Not like this.”

  “If it makes you feel better, I have a reputation as a snitch among Alston’s survey teams.” He wasn’t proud of the incident which had earned him this standing. He shared it to illustrate that he truly understood baggage.

  “You do?” asked Jude, sounding a bit intrigued.

  “Yeah. My first partner liked to have the odd marijuana candy now and then. I reported him, even though it wasn’t interfering with his job.”

  “Because he broke the rules, or because you have a grudge against legal substances?”

  “The grudge. My mom spent my entire life getting high on anything she could find. It’s a minor miracle she managed to stay mostly sober while she was pregnant, actually.”

  His grandmother once told him, when he was maybe ten, that his mom tried to use Cal for a fresh, drug-free start in life, but the stress of being a single mom to a newborn wore her down. Grandma had meant to give him a more sympathetic picture of his mother, but it’d been
a long time before Cal stopped feeling guilty for driving his mom back to drugs.

  “So I get having issues. I really do. He knew he wasn’t supposed to have pot candy, but honestly, he had maybe one a week and they were so mild you’d never even guess. It wasn’t a problem in any way, shape, or form. I was the one who couldn’t deal.” Thankfully, his erstwhile partner got a warning, so Cal didn’t have to carry the guilt of getting a man fired. The whole incident had served to show him just how much bias he carried as the result of his mom’s drug abuse.

  “And this is supposed to make me feel better?” asked Jude.

  Cal shrugged. “Worth a shot.”

  “He was wrong. Even if he didn’t agree with the policy, he knew it existed and ignored it anyway.”

  “That’s true, but it doesn’t mean I was right to go off in a self-righteous rage over the sector’s least potent pot candy.”

  Cal was pleased to see the shakes subsiding as Jude continued sipping water. A quick check revealed that the solar panels were holding steady, which was a relief. The yetis hadn’t caused a dangerous amount of damage.

  “Does this mean you’re not going to request another partner?” asked Jude.

  “Never crossed my mind.”

  So what if Jude didn’t want to fire on any potentially sapient creatures? This was not a major part of his job description, and Cal could handle taking it on. Wasn’t worth giving up a good partner over.

  The other penny dropped. If Jude thought Cal wouldn’t want him as a mining partner, it only made sense that he thought the relationship question was off the table as well, which was not at all the case.

  “We’re good, Jude. I still want to work with you, and I still want you generally.”

  That lovely sharp jaw dropped in surprise. “You do?”

  “I’m not scared off by your baggage if you’re not scared off by mine.”

  “Is beer negotiable?” asked Jude after a moment.

  Cal took a deep breath, hoping it didn’t end up being his problems which were insurmountable. “In moderation. I don’t handle drunkenness well.”

  “I don’t need to get smashed. Nothing personally against it, but I wouldn’t if it bothered you. I’m talking about a beer or two now and again.”

  “I can deal with that much.” He could now, having seen that the universe was full of people who were capable of moderation. The lesson had taken a bit of experience to learn.

  Jude looked at him with clear astonishment. “Everything I told you, the way I’d have let the panels be destroyed, and you still think I’m relationship material?”

  “Nobody’s perfect.”

  “You’re crazy to sign on for my issues.”

  He ignored the diss. It was really Jude not thinking he had enough to offer as a boyfriend, and that was nonsense. Cal’s feelings had been developing for a couple of months by this point, and the shit hand Jude had been dealt didn’t change his interest at all.

  “You’re not your brother, and you don’t need to spend the rest of your life paying for his crimes.”

  “It’s not that I think I need to because I deserve to suffer. It’s just been inevitable.”

  Cal hurt for the guy, he really did, and he honestly did not think Jude’s challenges were an absolute relationship disqualifier. Jude was so much more than his evil brother’s twin. He was a good guy who shared Cal’s inclination to communicate via banter. He was smart, sexy, and, last but certainly not least, they’d just added fun in bed.

  Far from running scared, Cal asked, “What do you say to this deal about my baggage for yours?”

  “I think you’re getting the raw end, but I’m game if you are.” With that, Jude stood and finally made eye contact. “I can’t say my attempts at compartmentalization were going very well, anyway.”

  “Compartmentalization?”

  Jude traced boxes in the air. “Coworker. Friend. Romantic interest. The lines got all blurred.”

  “Good,” said Cal. “That makes two of us.”

  It was another great thing about Jude, and a point of compatibility, that they didn’t need to get into sappy sentiment when having this conversation.

  “It’s a deal, then,” said Jude.

  Cal thought a deal of that type really ought to be sealed with a kiss, so he moved closer until they were standing mere centimeters from each other. Jude closed the final gap, and as soon as their lips met Cal understood his partner had been holding back before. This kiss was needy and unrestrained, full of emotions too difficult to verbalize.

  When they stopped kissing, Jude whispered against Cal’s lips, “Just because I think you’re getting a raw deal doesn’t mean I’m not glad you’re taking it.”

  Cal’s heart did a little leap. “Good thing I convinced you, then.”

  “You’re very persuasive.”

  “Excellent. I should be able to talk you into sleeping in my bunk tonight.”

  “They’re not made for two, Cal.”

  He knew that. He also knew he wanted to have Jude in his bed, and not for sex. Well, not for immediate sex, anyway. They did have a lot of free time in the morning, and he wouldn’t be averse to wiling some of it away indulging in carnal delights.

  “We should at least try,” he said.

  “It’s going to be tight.”

  “Tight can be a lot of fun.”

  Jude rolled his eyes, then promptly ruined the effect by cracking a smile. “You want me well-rested so you can check out just how tight I am.”

  Hell yes, he wanted that very much. He also wanted the physical closeness to reassure Jude that he didn’t have to be alone anymore. “We have to at least try sharing a bunk.”

  “Fine. I’ll try it, but I reserve the right to deem it uncomfortable and sleep in my own.”

  * * * *

  Funny thing was, despite the undeniably snug fit of two men in a bed intended for one, Jude didn’t leave. Not that night, nor next. This suited Cal, and not only because it was convenient to fool around when they woke up. They had already been spending their days together, as survey life gave them no other option, so sharing their nights made the relationship real.

  The sex was a lot of fun, too.

  Even still, there was work to be done. Once the snow stopped falling and the wind died down, it was back to collecting samples, a task made much more difficult by snow which nearly reached his waist.

  “I’m starting to see how snow can be a real pain in the ass,” he said. Only ten meters from the ship and he was getting tired already. “We need taller drones, so we could outfit them with plows.”

  He’d hoped they could use collection drones to clear the path, but no such luck. Too much snow for that, which really begged the question of whether this world would even be worth mining at all. Maybe the equatorial region would be better, provided it had anything to mine.

  Jude chuckled, which sounded odd and echoing in his environmental suit. “Be grateful this isn’t the wet snow you wanted for a snowball fight. That’s much worse to slog through. Another couple meters, and we can start shoveling.”

  Their very makeshift shovels worked okay, but Cal had a new appreciation for light, fluffy snow. He could probably skip the gym that night, since snow was plenty of a workout.

  “There better be some good stuff in these samples,” he grumbled.

  Jude set aside his snow shovel and started prying up dirt. “Why? Do you have something better to be doing?”

  “You.”

  “I’ll keep,” said Jude. “Much as I enjoy your dick, I have a job here.”

  “There you go, being reasonable again.” Though it did his ego good to hear how Jude enjoyed his dick.

  “One of us needs to be. They don’t pay us to have sex, you know.”

  It was true, and Cal shoveled more snow in the interest of finishing sooner rather than later. All the exertion was making him hungry, so he wanted to get done and in for lunch. He was debating what meal he’d prefer when his suit chimed.

  �
��Incoming transmission,” said the computerized voice.

  This was encouraging, as they’d set communications to route through the suits while they were out. With any luck, rescue was on its way.

  “Survey ship 24-Alpha-Mu, we have received your distress call. The Goldstrike will reach you in six standard days. Please advise of any known hazards.”

  “A ship big enough to have a name. We’re getting the special treatment,” said Cal.

  “It’s probably just the closest, but I hear they have great coffee, so I’ll take it. Maybe this means Alston is going to fix our ship.”

  Cal liked the ship, so he’d be happy to keep the rest once the burned-out engines were replaced. “Respond to transmission. Avoid the outermost ice giant in this system. Dark matter made a sudden appearance near it. Transmit.”

  He thought Jude’s idea about dark matter being a life form was brilliant, and not just because it came from his new boyfriend. Maybe one of these days he could talk Jude into speaking with experts about the subject and taking credit for his theory. Right now, at a guess, Jude would run like hell from anything that might earn him publicity. It was a damn shame, but understandable.

  After a moment, the computer told him, “Response sent.”

  Knowing that they wouldn’t starve to death on this miserable planet was such a relief, Cal attacked the snow with renewed energy. He’d thought a rescue was likely before, but there was always a nagging fear and doubt until they heard that a ship had been dispatched. When he looked closely, he could see a relieved smile on Jude’s face, which no doubt matched his own.

  “Nothing like learning we’re not going to die out here to make our day,” said Jude.

  “It’s the simple things in life.”

  There was a spot off to the side of the ship where the yetis had trampled which had less snow. Jude glanced that way and said, “I never thanked you for doing what I couldn’t.”

  Cal didn’t see any need for thanks. Not freezing to death was plenty, and anyway, it was better that he’d been the one to shoot. Jude would be worrying about whether or not he’d killed an intelligent life form. Cal honestly didn’t care, because they’d have been just as dead either way. Not that he liked the idea of killing a sapient alien, but when it came down to them or the yetis, he had no qualms choosing their own lives, quite aside from his doubts about the yetis actually being intelligent. He suspected the idea was Jude was projecting his fears.