Out of Frame

by Megan Erickson

  “Hello?” My dad answered the phone.

  “Hey, it’s me.”

  “Quinn! We’ve been waiting for your call. Hold on, let me get your mother.”

  There was some muffled talking, then another receiver picked up. “Hello, Quinn.”

  “Hey, Mom.”

  “You made it on the ship okay?”

  “Yep.” There was a silence. That meant they wanted me to keep talking. “It’s nice. Our cabin is small, but it’s clean and everything.”

  “Are your Sea-Bands helping your motion sickness? Sheryl said they wore them on their cruise and they felt peachy.”

  I looked at my naked wrists. “Yeah, they’re great.” I felt a pang of guilt for lying. Was that an only child thing? Guilt?

  “Great, I’m glad to hear that,” Mom said.

  I fidgeted, unsure of what to do or say. Was I the only fucking kid on this ship who checked in with his parents on spring break? This was normal for me, but now that I stood here doing it, I wasn’t so sure I wanted it to be normal. “So, uh, I should probably get going.”

  “Tell Jess we said hi,” Dad said. “I found a couple of things about the ship that I can e-mail to you. I called the cruise line and asked about their emergency services. They have staff in the event of an injury.”

  I closed my eyes and focused on my breathing. “That’s great.”

  Jess sliced her thumb across her throat, giving me the End it sign. I waved at her and mouthed, I know.

  “All right, well, we love you, Quinn,” Dad said. “Be safe.”

  “Love you, too.” I ended the call and didn’t bother asking Jess if she needed to call her parents. They weren’t as hands-on as mine.

  Or maybe stifling was the right word. I ran my hands through my hair and pretended they weren’t shaking. I was surprised I wasn’t getting motion sickness as the ship glided through the water. Maybe it was the sea air or the steady hum underneath my feet. Either way, I felt fine, save for the queasy feeling from the phone call.

  Jess handed me the rest of her drink and I gulped it down. I might have to take a nap later, but I was determined to get my buzz back, dammit.

  “How are your parents?” she asked. “Begging you to come home? Telling you not to give in to the temptation of debauchery?”

  I snorted. “Dad is apparently e-mailing me information about the ship’s emergency services.”

  “Like a nurse?”

  “I guess. Emergency personnel.”

  “Only your dad can take the fun out of spring break.”

  I laughed, but damn, it was sad. “God, Jess. I know they mean well, but sometimes I wonder if growing up in that house has doomed me to a lifetime of worrying. It’s like, I always think I have to prepare for everything that could go wrong. Everything that could affect my future. Every fucking thing, until I look back and realize I missed a whole lot of shit.”

  She bit her lip and then sidled closer, throwing her hand over my shoulder. “Oh, Quinn.”

  “And I can’t blame them anymore, can I? I’m twenty-one, and if I don’t want to be like this, I don’t have to, right?”

  Her eyes were wide as she studied my face. “Right.” I know she wanted to say more, but instead, she ran her hand up and down my arm.

  I folded my arms on the railing and laid my chin on my hands. Too bad I had no idea how to be anything but a freak show. My parents’ commandments ran over and over in my head on a daily basis. Don’t get a tattoo because it’ll fade and look awful when you’re older. Don’t go to this party tonight because you’ll regret it when you can’t pay attention in class tomorrow to take notes. Don’t enjoy anything fun now because you’ll regret it later.

  Except it was later. And all I regretted was everything I hadn’t done. I closed my eyes briefly, blocking out my parents’ voices. The one voice that was surging to break through was my own. It was so faint sometimes that I couldn’t hear it. But this one was telling me to make the most out of my trip.

  I opened my eyes and rolled my head to the side. “What do you want out of this week?”

  She turned to me and was silent for a moment. “I want to live in the moment.”

  Her words were like a punch. “I want that, too. But all I’ve done my whole life is live for the future. How do I even live for the moment, Jess?”

  She pressed a kiss to my temple. “I don’t know the answer to that either. But we’ll figure it out together.”

  “Can we start doing that by drinking more?”

  She laughed. “How about we get on that Titanic reenactment right now?”

  My face must have shown how much that excited me, because she gripped my hand and led me toward the prow of the boat. We had to weave our way through already drunk people and past pools with splashing bodies.

  Finally we reached the front of the ship, and to my amusement, we weren’t the only ones who had decided to take on the role of Jack and Rose. A guy was clearly humoring his girlfriend. He looked incredibly uncomfortable as his girl stood with her feet on the bottom rung, arms out.

  When he saw us waiting, relief washed over his face as he urged his girl to get down. She shot us a look of irritation, but Jess marched right past her. She stopped and motioned to the railing. “Get on up there, Rose.”

  I pretended to fix my hat and pursed my lips as I walked past her with a limp wrist. Jess laughed. “Rose wasn’t an effeminate gay man, you weirdo.”

  “Oh, Jack.” I batted my eyelashes at her, then stepped up onto the first rung. “Make me fly.”

  “And then you’ll repay me by not allowing me on that piece of wood so I freeze to death. Bitch.” She placed her feet outside of mine, then huffed. “This is dumb.”

  “Of course it’s dumb,” I said. “We’re reenacting a corny scene from an equally corny movie.”

  “No, it’s dumb because all I see is your back!”

  “Jess, be creative for God’s sake. Step up onto the next one.”

  She grumbled and did that, her hand a little unsteady on my shoulder as I held my arms out. Her breath blew over my ear as she leaned over my back. “Okay, Rose. Happy now?”

  “You’re really ruining the moment, Jack,” I muttered.

  That made her giggle. I laughed too, and then we were both in hysterics, Jess collapsed over my back, as we watched the cruise ship plow through the water. The sun was shining, and the salty air whipped my hair and Jess’s around us. I slipped my fingers through Jess’s when we finally collected ourselves. “Thanks, Jess.”

  She was silent for a moment, then rested her chin on my shoulder. “Back at ya, baby.”

  ***

  By the time we made it off the deck of the ship to explore the levels, we were . . . drunk. Good and drunk. But that nice, happy stage of drunk, before tears set in or the room started to spin. We traipsed through the ship, peering into the casinos and the dance halls, scoping out the multiple bars. Jess found a set of stairs leading from one level of cabins to another and lay on them, reaching for me as if the boat were flooding.

  The other passengers didn’t seem amused as she yelled, “Save yourself, Quinn!”

  I always thought that was one of the best parts of Jess. She was a great friend, of course, but I loved that she didn’t put stock into what other people thought. She would be herself and damn what everyone else thought. Maybe that was what had drawn me to her in the first place. Opposites attract and all that.

  When evening rolled around and we perched ourselves at the bar, the room was spinning. And a little blurry. And also a little bright and loud. Part of me wanted to just go back to my cabin and lay down and sleep off the rum and cokes and Bahama Mamas.

  I had achieved the elusive all-day buzz. Maintaining a buzz all day was hard work. I had to drink just the right amount at the right time. I couldn’t lose it or I wouldn’t get it back that day. And I
couldn’t drink too much or I’d be sloppy drunk. Today, I had achieved the all-day, perfect buzz. It was incredible, and I honestly thought I should get a medal or something for it. I’d treated myself to an extra cookie at the buffet.

  Tomorrow, Jess and I planned to do more eating, more walking around the ship, more napping, and maybe some more swimming in the pool on deck. And maybe a game of craps or two. I was fucking awesome at craps.

  Jess had left to go to the bathroom, and as soon as she came back, I was going to suggest heading to the cabin, until my gaze landed on the corner of the bar where J. R. Butler stood casually, like he was right out of a fucking magazine. The entire cast was there, plus a cameraman. Wow, how had I missed that?

  J. R. was drinking a glass of something clear in ice. I imagined it was something really manly, like straight vodka. He crunched the ice with his molars and nodded as Casey regaled some story to him that required lots of arm movements.

  “What are you looking at?” Jess said, as she slid onto the barstool beside mine.

  Time to lie so she didn’t know about my crush on J. R. “Uh, your man showed up.”

  Her head swiveled like a meerkat’s. “What? Where?”

  I gestured to the corner. “Over there.”

  She gripped my arm, nails digging into my skin, but I didn’t even feel the pain. Rum was amazing. “Oh my God, look at him. Look. At. Him.”

  “Yeah, I did.”

  “His hair is perfect and those eyes are like the fucking ocean—”

  “—Poetic—”

  “—And his ass looks stellar in those pants. Why does he have to be standing next to J. R. the douche?”

  I took another sip of my drink and decided to enjoy the fucking moment by ogling J. R. I risked another glance at the guys in the corner. I could do that now, just look. Everyone else was looking too, so I was just another kid in the crowd. And Jess would assume I was looking at Casey.

  I wasn’t.

  J. R. wore a pair of dark jeans, those same Converse sneakers, and a black tank top. I could see the vein running down his hard biceps, and it made my mouth water. I itched to touch it, feel the blood pumping beneath his skin. His large hands gripped the glass as he held it up to his full lips and took a sip. His mouth stretched into a small grimace at something Casey said. And then he looked up.

  Our gazes met.

  In the dim light of the bar, his eyes looked almost black. Unreadable. I couldn’t look away, not from his handsome face, those high cheekbones, those deep-set eyes under a heavy brow.

  He was beautiful.

  Someone walked between us, and when I caught sight of him again, he was walking away with Casey. I swallowed and looked down at where my hands rested on my thighs. They were shaking.

  Jess was talking and I tuned in.

  “What do you think I should say to him? Shit, I should have practiced in the mirror.” She took my shoulder and turned me so we faced each other. “Pretend to be Casey.”

  “Uh.”

  “Come on!”

  “Me Casey.”

  She rolled her eyes. “Stop being dumb.”

  “Me Casey lift-a-lot.”

  Jess giggled. “Want to lift me? Back to your bed?”

  I puffed out my arms. “You woman. Me man. Let’s do the sex.”

  She laughed harder and flung her arms out to the side to hug me, but then I heard a smack and a gasp. Jess whirled her head around, blond hair flying, to see Casey standing beside her, his drink now spilled down the front of his shirt.

  “I am so, so sorry,” Jess said, hopping off her stool as I grabbed frantically at a stack of napkins on the bar top. “I didn’t see you!”

  With his hands held out to the sides, Casey looked down at his shirt, which was now dripping. Then he looked up, and his face was . . . thunder. “No shit you didn’t see me.” He wiped at his shirt in disgust and snarled at her, “What the fuck?”

  I froze at the venom in his tone. And so did Jess. This had to be a dream, right? We were drunk and that wasn’t really Casey being a jerk. It was just some pissed off bro. I blinked, clutching the napkins to my chest. But no, it was Casey. He still stood there, wet and angry, blue eyes narrowed on Jess. “Fucking ship full of drunk assholes.”

  My best friend knew how to take care of herself, how to defend herself. If this were any other guy, she would have narrowed those blue eyes at him and told him where to go. But this was Casey Arlington, and Jess was frozen in place, her face drained of color.

  There wasn’t a camera around but in that moment, I couldn’t have given a shit if the whole fucking crew was there. Because no one made Jess look like that or made her feel like that.

  I jumped off the stool, stepped up to him, and threw the balled-up napkins in his face. “Don’t talk to her like that. It was an accident. You’re the drunk asshole, not her.” I straightened my spine in response to his glower. “Go change your clothes and grow up.”

  Jess turned her wide eyes on me. And I swallowed, because I didn’t think I’d ever talked to a human being like that. Was this what living in the moment felt like?

  Casey’s face was red now, his fists balled at his sides, and I wasn’t sure if I should duck or brace myself for a punch.

  Then a hand curled around Casey’s bicep. It was Selena, his on-again, off-again cast member girlfriend. She tugged on his arm, saying words I couldn’t hear. Casey shot me one more look, and just when I thought the situation was diffused, he shot out a hand and shoved me.

  I fell completely gracelessly on my ass with my hands braced behind me, right in the puddle of Jess’s spilled drink.

  When I looked up, I saw the back of Casey as Selena led him away.

  I sat up and looked at my hands, my vision still a little blurry. Perfect buzz was gone now for sure. Damn rum making me have courage. Why couldn’t I have just led Jess away from the situation? Why did I have to think I was a hero?

  I wiped my palms as a hand wrapped around my wrist. I looked up and opened my mouth to tell Jess I was sorry but instead of her blue eyes, I was met with a dark brown gaze surrounded by the longest lashes I’d ever seen.

  My mouth dropped open as J. R. pulled me to my feet. For a second, our faces were inches away. I was breathing his air, smelling his skin, all while our hands were still clasped together. The heat of his body seared into mine.

  A million things whirled through my brain that I could say. One of which would be a simple “Hey.” But before I could get anything out, a cameraman approached from our side. I could see the light like a beacon on us. J. R. yanked his hand out of mine with a small sneer to his lips. He took a step back, looked me up and down, as if he was sizing me up, then said, “Watch your back, kid.” Then he headed off after Casey.

  Kid.

  He’d called me kid.

  I knew his age and he was the same age as me. And he’d called me kid.

  He was even more beautiful in person and even more of an asshole. I wanted to cry.

  “I . . .” said a voice beside me, and I turned to see Jess watching J. R.’s back as he disappeared into the crowd. “I can’t believe that just happened.”

  I swallowed and nodded.

  “I mean, I expected that from J. R., right?”

  I balled my fists at my sides.

  “But I didn’t expect that from Casey. What an asshole!”

  “Total asshole,” I croaked. My tongue was thick in my mouth, my head a useless hunk on my shoulders. I wanted to curl up in bed.

  “And J. R. threatened you. Threatened! I think we should tell security. Did your dad say anything about security?”

  I shook my head. “No, it’ll be fine.”

  I couldn’t even tell Jess that I was less upset about what he said than the fact that it was exactly what I’d expected from him. She’d say I told you so and laugh, and normally I wou
ldn’t care, but I knew this time, it’d make me angry. I didn’t want to be angry at Jess, so I kept quiet while she raged beside me. She went from despondent to angry to flippant. “Screw Casey,” she said, as we walked arm in arm through the ship to our cabin minutes later. “I refuse to let this ruin our trip.”

  “No way,” I said, even though I didn’t really feel it. “This won’t ruin our trip.”

  “Right.” She bobbed her head, mind made up. Casey was now a memory for Jess. A thing of the past. But I couldn’t stop feeling J. R.’s gaze boring into mine.

  ***

  J. R.

  They couldn’t even give us our own cabins. The only saving grace was that they’d put me with Levi. Because if I had to face Casey right now, I might punch him.

  That kid, that damn redhead. There were three fucking bars on the goddamn ship and he had to be in the one I was in. He had to be with a friend who’d pissed off Casey. And he’d had to be the hero to defend her.

  Of course. Of fucking course.

  I didn’t know his name. But now I knew he had blue eyes. I knew he had blond lashes. I knew he had a mole on his right cheekbone, along with a sea of freckles.

  I knew he smelled like soap and fresh air.

  I knew he made me hard.

  One thing I didn’t know was why I said what I did. Maybe it was the approaching camera, which caused me to go into J. R. Butler mode like a light switch. Or maybe I was so damn frustrated that my instinct was to help him off the floor, that I’d taken it out on him.

  Either way, I knew I was going to be haunted by that devastated look in his eyes after I’d told him to watch his back. I’d meant for him to watch his back around Casey, but now that I looked back, it probably hadn’t seemed that way to him at all.

  I didn’t have a whole lot of experience with men, but I was going to guess he was probably gay. Or bi. No straight guy gazed up at me like he did, with a little bit of hero worship. And no straight guy would have been that devastated when his hero proved to be anything but.

  I flipped the latch on our cabin door and flung it open. I winced as it slammed against the wall. Levi was inside, rummaging through his suitcase, and jerked his head up to stare at me. His gaze shifted to the still-shaking door, then back to me. “Uh, Hulk much?”