by Violet Howe
“C’mon, Maggie. Don’t be stupid.”
“I’ve got to go get Cabe ready. How about you try to be supportive and want what’s best for me and the baby? Okay?”
“At least tell me that you’re using protection. The last thing you need is to get pregnant again.”
“First of all, I’ve already told you it’s not like that. We’re both just focused on Cabe. And second of all, if somehow we did go down that path and end up there, the doctor put me on the pill to try and regulate my estrogen after Cabe was born, remember? I went from having virtually no periods my whole life to having them non-stop after the pregnancy wreaked havoc on my hormones. So rest your weary mind, Sandra. If abstinence fails me, the pill will be my back-up.”
41 THAT RARE HALF-PERCENT
Key West marked a turning point in my relationship with Gerry. No one we encountered knew our past, so we were accepted at face value for being a family. We were simply two parents with an adorable son, without any baggage or disclaimers.
It felt good.
Away from the discerning opinions of my family and friends, I didn’t need to be so stressed about every interaction or analyze every word and reaction.
I relaxed, and though it took a little bit of suspending reality to make it work, if I focused on the future and not the past, I could feel passion for Gerry again.
We began to walk closer, to sit closer, to lean toward each other when we spoke. Our hands lingered when we touched, and our constant proximity began to wear down my resolve.
Portraying a loving family was intoxicating, and I wanted it to be my reality. By the end of the trip, our budding closeness had turned intimate, and I’d allowed myself to hope that things could be different.
It was harder when we returned to everyone’s scrutiny, and I began to look forward to times the three of us spent alone when I could push the past from my mind and enjoy the moment.
Cabe and I began staying over at Gerry’s occasionally, much to the dismay of Alberto and Sandy. Sandy even threatened to tell my parents, but I pleaded with her to focus on how happy Cabe was and give us a chance to work things through without sounding the alarm.
Gerry remained steadfast in his commitment to us, and all the things I’d once loved about him were there again, but the reason we split wasn’t.
So despite my reservations, I started falling for Gerry. All over again.
No one was more shocked than me when I returned to the doctor for a routine check-up and found out I was pregnant.
“But that’s impossible! I’m on the pill.”
The doctor smiled and spoke with a condescending tone. “You probably forgot to take one, or maybe you didn’t take it at the same time every day. Some bodies are more sensitive to that than others.”
“No. I was diligent about making sure I didn’t miss one. I took it at nine o’clock every night, no matter what. I know I didn’t miss one. This can’t be right. Are you sure?”
She nodded, flipping through my chart. “It’s possible that you had what we call a breakthrough ovulation or escape ovulation. It might be due to your history of estrogen issues, or it could be that you’re one of the rare half percent or so that find the pill ineffective.”
I drove to pick up Cabe from Gerry’s in a daze, so completely stunned that I forgot to pick up the groceries for dinner.
But whereas my first pregnancy had been greeted with tears and hand wringing by everyone around me, Gerry was absolutely over the moon about having what he considered a second chance.
He picked me up and whirled me around his tiny living room. “This is fantastic! This is the greatest gift you could ever give me. Oh, Willow! This time we get to experience it together. We’re having a baby!”
He spun me around again and repeated himself. “We’re having a baby!”
Cabe clapped his hands with the enthusiasm of a two-year-old who has no idea why he’s clapping but is deliriously happy to join in.
“We’re having a baby!” he yelled in his little toddler voice, and Gerry laughed as he picked Cabe up and gathered him into our hug.
Somewhere in the black fog that had settled over me since the doctor gave me the news, a little ray of light began to shine.
Maybe it wasn’t as bad as I had thought. Perhaps we could be a happy family after all.
42 COUNTDOWN
If my father had been disappointed the first time he found out I was pregnant, he was nothing less than devastated the second.
“How? How could you? Did you learn nothing at all from everything you went through?”
My mother sat in stunned silence, twisting her wedding band round and round her finger as Dad paced the floor and yelled.
“Mark my words, he’s going to hurt you again. It’s a matter of when, not if. The first time I blamed him, but this time, I’ll blame you. And whatever happens to Cabe, I will hold you responsible for. This is your choice. You know who this man is and what he’s capable of, and you’re choosing to be blind to that. God help you, and God help that poor baby. Both of them!”
He’d stormed from the room, but he returned within minutes. Tears streamed down his face, and his voice was broken, cracking with pain.
“Is this my fault? Did I do something wrong? Was it the kind of father I was? Was I so horrible a father that this is what you would pick for my grandchildren?”
“No, it has nothing to do with you, Dad. You were a wonderful father,” I cried, rising to go to him, unable to bear seeing the pain I had caused. “I didn’t mean for this to happen. I’m sorry. I truly am. Cabe loves Gerry, and I’m sorry, but I love him, too. I can’t help it. I want us to be a family.”
He walked back out of the room with his hand over his mouth, and I turned to my mother but found no solace there.
“It’s not love, Margaret,” she said, never looking up from her hands. “You’re trying to get back something you lost by clinging to something you never had. This won’t end well.”
I knelt in front of her, taking her hands in mine and willing her to look at me.
“What if it does? What if we get married and we raise our children and we’re happy? Why does everyone assume that the worst is going to happen again? Why can’t there be an option where I can be happy with my children and their father?”
She looked up, and when her eyes met mine, I wished she hadn’t. I’d never seen such anger and disgust in my mother’s face before.
“Because the type of man who stays home with his wife and children doesn’t seduce young women while he already has a wife. I knew when he came back that something like this was bound to happen. For God’s sake, if you were determined to be with him, why couldn’t you at least wait until the two of you were married to get pregnant, Maggie?”
“We will be, Mom. Soon. Everything will be final by summer, so we can be married before the baby arrives.”
Her eyes opened wide as my accidental admission registered. “Are you saying he’s still married? You told me the divorce was already final.”
“It’s a technicality,” I said, cursing myself for not being more careful with my words. “They only have to finalize the finances. It’s okay. It will be final before the baby’s here, and we’ll be married. It’s going to work out. Please, Mom. I need your support.”
Her eyes had filled with tears again, and her chin trembled as she spoke. “You are the daughter that I prayed every night on my knees for God to send to me. Your father and I have done all we could to give you every opportunity, and I have stood by you since the day you were born, and I won’t abandon you now. You have my love, and this baby will have my love. But I cannot support this decision. I never thought I could be so disappointed in you.”
I sat back on my heels and stared at her, and when she stood and left the room without another word, I went home and begged Gerry to tell me everything would be okay.
We moved in together not too long after that, despite the angry protests from everyone in my life who cared about me or Cabe.
I was cautiously happy as we played house, feeling that at last my life might be back on track. I would get up early to cook breakfast for the two of them every morning, and I rushed home from teaching to make dinner each night. Cabe would squeal with delight when Gerry came home in the evening, running across the apartment with his arms outstretched to leap into his daddy’s arms. They’d do bathtime antics after dinner, and then Gerry would tuck him in and read him a bedtime story, insisting that I take that time for myself.
“Why don’t you read or take a bubble bath? Even if you only put your feet up. I can’t help you carry the baby, but I can take over in the evenings with Cabe,” he had said when I protested.
Seeing how much he and Cabe both enjoyed their bonding time made it easier for me to listen to him and use the time to rest.
It hurt that my parents and my best friends wanted nothing to do with my happiness, but I reasoned that the longer we were together and the better things got, eventually they’d have to forgive him (and me) and welcome us back into their lives.
Without their presence, it was like I’d traded one loneliness for another, but Cabe was happy having his daddy around, and I no longer cried myself to sleep.
Gerry tried to distract me with talk of wedding plans, but I couldn’t get enthusiastic about planning when no one on my side was likely to show up.
Although I understood their reaction to the unexpected pregnancy, I honestly thought at some point the frost would thaw and I’d be back in good graces again.
Instead, my parents would come and take Cabe on outings, but they wouldn’t get out of the car or come in for a visit. Even Sandy and Alberto gave me the cold shoulder, choosing to spend time with Cabe only when I had appointments or was teaching.
If anything, the isolation drove Gerry and me closer together in a sort of “me and him against the world” mentality. His excitement over my pregnancy was contagious, and we celebrated every little milestone, determined to make up for what we missed the first time.
I couldn’t shake the ever-present feeling of impending doom, though. The divorce lingered over our heads and seemed to drag on endlessly. The hostility from my loved ones was a constant source of tension, and the increasing stress of finances and the constraints of a one-bedroom apartment increased in magnitude as my pregnancy progressed.
It often felt as though there were a timer counting down, but I wasn’t certain what would happen when time ran out and whether or not it was something to look forward to.
43 KITCHEN CURTAINS
It was somewhere around my sixth month when Gerry came to the studio and told me he was taking me out for a surprise lunch. I thought him showing up was the surprise, so I was shocked when he held up a black silk scarf before I got in the car.
“Let’s put this on.”
“What? What are you doing?”
“If I told you, it wouldn’t be a surprise,” he said. He was grinning from ear to ear, his eyes sparkling as he laughed. “C’mon. I can’t wait any longer. Hurry up. Turn around.”
I turned, and he placed the folded cloth over my eyes and tied it behind my head.
“Is that too tight? Can you see anything?” He ran his finger beneath the scarf around my head, ensuring it didn’t pinch anywhere.
“No, and no. I can’t see a thing. Where are you taking me? Why do I need to be blindfolded?” The excitement of the unknown was thrilling, but the loss of my vision was unsettling. “Gerry? Where’d you go?”
I put my hands out to reach for him but came up empty.
“Gerry?”
“I’m right here,” he said, sliding an arm around my waist. “I was getting something from the trunk. Here, let me help you in the car.”
He eased me into the passenger seat, and I felt around the console to get my bearings. We drove about twenty minutes, but I had lost my sense of direction after the first couple of turns so I had no idea where we were when the car stopped.
“Don’t take it off! I’ll come around and get you,” Gerry said, eagerness clear in his voice.
I laughed and placed my fingers on the blindfold, unsure of what to expect but anticipating something great based on his level of enthusiasm.
The car door opened, and Gerry took my hand in his and pulled me slowly from the car. “Watch your head,” he cautioned as he placed his palm over the top of my head to help me duck under the car’s roof.
He held both my hands as we walked.
“Are you walking backwards?” I asked.
“Yep.”
“You need to watch where you’re going. If you fall, I’m falling on top of you, baby belly first.”
“I would never let that happen. There’s three stairs, so be careful.”
I counted three steps up, and then he stopped and let go of my hands.
“Don’t move, and don’t peek!”
“I’m not,” I said, laughing aloud as the excitement and anticipation built to almost unbearable heights.
A lock clicked and a door opened, and immediately a rush of cold air blew across my skin. I lifted my face toward it, trying to sense anything I could about my whereabouts. I sniffed the air cautiously, but smelled nothing but Gerry’s cologne. I strained to hear any identifying sounds, but other than a distant car engine, we were in peaceful surroundings.
Finally, Gerry took my hand and led me through a doorway.
“Okay, Willow, behold your surprise!”
Gerry untied the blindfold, and I blinked rapidly to adjust to the sudden change in light.
We stood inside a large living room with vaulted ceilings and a bank of floor to ceiling windows on the far side. Beyond the windows was a lush tropical oasis, and beyond that, I could see a canal with a small dock extending from the lawn.
“What is this?” I asked as my eyes adjusted and more of the room came into view.
On my left, there was a large alcove on the front of the house with an over-sized bay window. To the right of that was a wide hallway leading deeper into the house. In front of me were steps leading down to a recessed seating area facing the wall of windows on the rear of the house. To my right, a set of four stairs led up to a raised platform surrounded by a balcony railing, and to the left of that was a large, open kitchen with a huge island above which hung a wrought iron pot rack. Beyond the kitchen I could see a breakfast nook with another huge bay window.
I turned to face Gerry, still waiting for an answer to my question.
“Where are we?”
He tucked his fingers underneath my chin and leaned down to kiss my lips. “We’re home, Willow. Our home. Welcome home, my love.”
I took a step back and struggled to regain the air that had been swept from my lungs. “Wh-wh-what?”
Gerry laughed and came behind me to wrap both arms around my protruding belly, planting kisses on my neck that only added to my dizziness and lack of oxygen.
“Gerry! What’s going on?”
My emotions were all over the place.
Hope was the first thing that surged up within me as I allowed myself to consider the possibility that what he said was true.
Our house? Our home? Could it be? Was there a way that this beautiful setting could be part of our story’s happy ending? Would this be my living room where we would sit in the evenings and read books to Cabe? My kitchen where I would prepare meals for them and our nook where we would dine together each night? Was this the yard I had dreamed of for my son? For our son? And our future daughter?
But almost immediately, doubts set in. How could this be ours? How could we afford it? How could he buy a house in the midst of the legal proceedings when they were already fighting about dividing assets and ownership?
I pushed his hands from my stomach and pressed my hand to my forehead as though I could stop my head from spinning if I held it tightly enough.
“What’s wrong?” Gerry asked. “You don’t like it?” His eyes searched mine, the enthusiasm gone from his face and replaced by an uncertainty.
He smiled then and took my hand to bring it to his lips. “I mean that I bought us a house. A home. A place for us to live together as a family.”
“But how?”
“My lawyer says that she’s ready to settle and I’ll get a hefty sum. With that money, we’ll easily be able to afford this place. I had to work the system a little to get it without it being tied up in court, but don’t you worry about that. It’s ours.”
Tears sprang to my eyes, and my heart thumped hard and loud. I didn’t dare allow myself to believe this could be happening, and yet it was. I tried to smile but couldn’t. A tear rolled free and slowly blazed a path down my cheek. It tickled a bit as the wetness slid across my skin and hung on the side of my face before Gerry flicked it away with his finger.
“Why are you crying, Willow?” His voice was soft, husky, and filled with emotion.
“I can’t believe this is happening,” I whispered. “Pinch me and tell me I’m not dreaming.”
He cupped my cheeks into his hands and put his mouth to mine, his tongue pressing gently to seek passage inside. I allowed him in, opening my heart further to the possibility of rewriting the end of our story.
“C’mon,” he said as he released me and took my hand. “Let’s see the rest of our house.”
We went from room to room, and each time we crossed through a door, Gerry would launch into his ideas for what that room would become and how it would look. It didn’t take long for his enthusiasm to wash away any nagging doubts I had. As he led me through his visions for our life, I could clearly see myself in the house and in the future he presented.
“This room will be perfect for Cable. We’ll paint the walls blue like the sky, and maybe hire a mural artist to create a large tree with all sorts of creatures.” He waved his arms toward the walls as he spoke, and I hugged myself to try and contain the joy bubbling inside as he drew pictures in my mind and on my heart. “Or maybe the high seas, with a large galleon for a bed and a pirate ship in the distance. Or we could drape the ceiling like a big top and have circus animals on the walls.”
