The Chronicles of Moxie

by Z. B Heller

  Renee’s apartment was only a few blocks from mine and when I got there I was completely out of breath from walking fast. I pressed the buzzer by the door for her apartment.

  “Hello?” she answered.

  “It’s me.”

  “Damn, I was hoping it was the pizza delivery guy.”

  “Stop being a twat waffle and get your ass down here.”

  “Hostility is not becoming on you.” She giggled.

  After a few minutes, Renee came downstairs with her keys. She looked like she had been through the spin cycle of a washing machine.

  “What the fuck happened to you?” I asked.

  “Last night happened to me. Raj believes in Neotantra.”

  “Is that like whips and chains?”

  “No, it’s Tantric sex. And let’s just say that I came in touch with my spiritual side,” she said with a smug look.

  I rolled my eyes and took the keys out of her hand.

  “She’s a block down on the left. And be gentle with her, I just had her detailed.”

  Renee was like a guy when it came to her car. It was an older Corvette that was redone and she treated it as if it was her first born. One time I dropped a French fry on the floor of the car after picking up McDonalds for lunch. I thought she was going to throw me out of the car on a moving highway.

  “Love you!” I said, sprinting toward the car.

  I found the house, pulled into the drive and opened the car door. I saw Miles’s car there, so I knew he had come back. I ran up to the front door and knocked on it like I was a Jehovah’s witness wanting to sell religion. Kelly opened the door.

  “Hi, Moxie.”

  “Ok, it’s not what it looks like.”

  She held up her hand to stop me.

  “It is not my job to get tangled in my brother’s business.”

  “Is he here?” I tried to peek inside.

  “He is. I’ll try to convince him to come out. He doesn’t want Dillion hearing any of this.”

  “Ok, thanks.”

  I stood on the front stoop, twisting the bottom of my shirt in my hands. They felt clammy, like before I had to make a big speech in front of a group. The door opened and Miles stepped outside. He had disappointment in his eyes, which was so different from the light I saw in them the previous morning.

  “Miles, I can explain…”

  But like his sister, he put up his hand to stop me.

  “Moxie, I told you two nights ago that I just don’t sleep around with any girl that comes my way. I had feelings for you, but I can’t put myself out there just to be set up. After what both Dillion and I have been through, it’s just not fair.”

  Wait, excuse me? What the hell is he talking about? He’s the one who ran into Amber’s arms because he thought I was just some fraternity haze prank. Then he has the balls to go on and say he doesn’t put himself out there and bring Dillion into it?

  “What, are you going to tell me it was nothing?” he continued. “You were kissing him and he had his arms around you. He said that you were sleeping together. Why did you even find it necessary to meet him?” He crossed his arms against his chest in a defensive posture.

  “He was lying!” I was practically screaming. “He said it to be spiteful because I wouldn’t agree to be with him. I agreed to meet him to tell him what an asshole I thought he was. And like you’re one to talk, shacking up with Amber at the camp-out because I apparently gross you out. Why did you even take it further, Miles, if you think I’m so hideous?”

  “What?” he said softly. “I never hooked up with Amber.”

  “And you expect me just to believe you, like you so obviously believe me when I say nothing happened with David!”

  “I have given you no reason whatsoever to make you believe I slept with Amber. I haven’t even seen her since helping her with the fires at the camp-out. I also remember telling you that everything that you are what I want. But it takes one second of Amber screwing with you and you run straight to David instead of coming to me and talking it out. Why?”

  “Because…I…” I trailed off, knowing that if I told Miles how insecure and horrible David and Amber made me feel he wouldn’t understand.

  I paused and looked at him. My heart sank. Everything I wanted was slipping out of my hands. I knew he was hurt and he felt I hurt Dillion, too. But I was hurt, too. I felt crushed that he didn’t trust me enough to know that I wanted to be with him and no one else. Everything that had transpired in the last twenty four hours was starting to take a toll on my emotions.

  I shrugged my shoulders and looked him in the eyes. All I could do at this point was protect myself and my heart. The words I said stung as they came out of my mouth.

  “I guess I can’t get over my slutty ways. You know, I can’t be happy fucking just one guy. What’s the fun in that?”

  “Moxie…” he said softly and reached out for me, but I turned around and walked back to Renee’s car.

  I got into the car and backed away from the house. Miles was still standing on the front step, watching me, and even though it was breaking my heart, I had to get out of there. I turned the street corner and when the house was out of sight I put the car in park and let the tears flow down my face.

  Chapter Twenty One

  It had been three weeks since what I called D-day. Better known as Dickhead Day, because that was when Dickhead David ruined my life. Ok, maybe I had a hand in my love life’s demise, too. I shouldn’t have gone to meet with him. What I hadn’t considered was how Miles felt, and I hadn’t trusted in his feelings for me. Every day at school was a reminder of Miles thanks to his mini-me sitting in my class. Dillion and I never talked about what happened that day. I’m sure he felt burned and betrayed by me. I’d seen him at his most vulnerable point and now I bet he felt like I’d abandoned him.

  I was sitting at my desk during lunch when Renee came into my class holding a donut bag and a Big Gulp.

  “This is the last day that I’m tolerating this sinkhole that you’ve created,” she said as she put the bag on my desk.

  “It’s not a sinkhole. It’s a large, silent, dark abyss where soulless spirits float around in despair.”

  “It’s a good thing that you’re not dramatic,” Renee said sarcastically.

  “Seriously, I totally fucked things up with my own insecurities.”

  “Best thing to do is get back into the dating pool. What about online dating?”

  I looked around the room to make sure that we were indeed alone and that Renee’s evil twin hadn’t walked in with her.

  “Are you fucking insane? Online dating is for ugly, desperate people. They put a profile on there, and a picture that looks nothing like themselves. Then you go on the date and are met by the Hunchback of Notre Dame.”

  “So not true. I have a friend who met her husband through online dating.”

  “You have other friends?” I asked with a smirk.

  “Yes and fuck you.” She laughed.

  “Who is this other friend?”

  “Claire; you don’t know her.”

  “I know all you friends,” I said with suspicion.

  “She’s one of Raj’s friends.”

  “Oh, so now his friends are your friends?”

  “Moxie, you’re trying to switch this on me and it’s not working. Pull up Match Me.com.”

  I could not believe what I was about to do. My heart was still broken over Miles and I was going to try online dating? A colonoscopy would have been more exciting. Even though Miles and I were never officially a couple, I couldn’t help feeling like this was cheating on him in some way. But Renee was determined that I get back on the horse, and knowing Renee, she wasn’t going to back down until I did it.

  She pulled a chair next to me at my desk as I switched the computer on. I typed in the website address and groaned.

  “This is such a bad idea.”

  “Look at it this way: you can stalk men’s pictures and flirt with them online. No one is making you ma
rry the first guy you talk to.”

  The home page of Match Me was filled with a loving couple kissing and walking hand in hand on the beach. Seriously? If I wasn’t afraid I’d lose the Snickers bar I’d just consumed, I might have vomited all over the computer.

  “You need to set up a profile,” Renee said as she tore the computer away from me.

  She went into member profile set up and started working away while I was plotting my escape from the country. She paused and looked at me.

  “What’s your favorite type of food?”

  “That’s like asking someone what their favorite appendage is, their arm or their leg.”

  “I’ll put tacos.”

  “Don’t put tacos!” I yelled.

  “Why not?”

  “Because they’ll think that I like girls.”

  “What?” Renee asked, looking at me like I lost my mind.

  “You know, that’s another way to say pussy. Pink Taco.”

  “Have you ever considered seeking professional help?” she said laughing.

  “That ship sailed long ago, trust me,” I sighed.

  “Fine, I’ll put brownies.” She went to start typing it in. I grabbed the keyboard.

  “Don’t put that in either, they’ll see my picture and think that I sit around all day stuffing brownies in my mouth. Let me do it,” I said, looking over the questions.

  I wasn’t serious about this at all. I was merely doing it to get Renee off my back. I told her that I would finish the profile and go searching for available stud muffins as soon as it was complete. With a smile and a look of satisfaction, she got up from the chair and headed back to her class. Since I had a planning period after lunch, I had more time to look at this site before my kids came back to taunt me.

  I looked over the questionnaire in front of me and decided that if Renee was going to make me do this, then I was going to have a little fun with it.

  Name: MoxieAnn Burtha Summers

  What’s your Sign?

  I like to think of myself as a stop sign, but people might think of me as more of a yield.

  What’s your Favorite Food?

  Ram’s penis in its own sauce.

  What’s your favorite TV show?

  Murder She Wrote, because it gives me ideas.

  What is your idea of a perfect first date?

  First, my date will take me to McDonalds, but it has to be one with a playground. My date orders a happy meal for me, but upgrades the drink to a shake because I don’t want him to go cheap. We sit on the Mayor McCheese slide in the play area and kick out little snotty kids who are looking to have a good time. After that, I expect my date to take me home to scrub my feet and remove the calluses with a cheese grater. After I pop my pimples while he watches, I expect him to put out or get out.

  What qualities are you looking for in someone?

  That he has a heartbeat and fresh smelling breath.

  What are your best qualities?

  If I had good qualities, then why the hell would I be on here when I probably could get laid elsewhere?

  What was your most embarrassing moment?

  According to my mother, after I was born I took a shit all over the doctor. Followed closely to the time I got caught feeling up the girls in the fifth grade, trying to see what those weird bumps were, growing from our chests.

  What does your typical Saturday morning look like?

  I have no idea. I’m usually too hung over from partying on Friday night and sleep until 2:30 on Saturday afternoons.

  Do you have a religious preference?

  I prefer someone who worships sheep.

  What do you do for fun?

  I like to roll around with pigs in their own shit. If I’m feeling particularly spontaneous, I might take a crap in there as well.

  Do you follow politics?

  Yes. Oh, wait, I misread it. I thought it said does the police follow you.

  If you won the lottery, how would you spend your millions?

  Buying a room full of good looking men to screw so I wouldn’t have to do this online crap.

  Any final comments?

  Life sucks.

  I found a picture of myself in my files that Ryan took when we were at Navy Pier last summer. We were in the beer garden and I had a few beers in my system. I was making this really unappealing face with my fingers stuck in my nose. It was perfect. It pretty much said everything I was feeling about doing this online bullshit. I figured this was a sure fire way to make sure no one contacted me and I could still tell Renee that at least I’d tried. I hit the finished button in the profile and away it went.

  I still had a little bit of time left so I figured I would rummage through other people’s profiles. I didn’t have any interest in contacting anyone, but it was interesting to see how desperate other people could be.

  For example, we have Chet. Chet likes long walks along Lake Michigan, riding in a carriage down the Magnificent Mile and spoiling his date by taking her to dinner at Trump Tower.

  And then there’s Steve. Steve likes to get down and dirty with a girl who likes sports and is a major White Sox Fan. There is even a picture of him humping the Commissioner’s Trophy when they won the World Series.

  I was about to shut my laptop when I heard a little ding sound and an instant message popped up. A man named Michael was contacting me.

  Michael: Hi

  I looked around the room as if he were talking to someone besides me. There was no way I could possibly attract someone with the profile I created. I stared at the screen for a few seconds before responding.

  Moxie: Hi

  Michael: How are you?

  Moxie: Fine, thanks. And you?

  Michael: You have an interesting profile.

  Moxie: Well, if you’re looking for psychotic, you found it.

  Michael: You’re very funny and cute.

  Moxie: Are we talking about the same profile picture?

  Michael: If it’s the one with your fingers up your nose, then yes.

  I realized at that moment I had no idea what this guy looked like. I moved the mouse over his name in the chat box and his profile appeared. He wasn’t bad looking, but I wouldn’t say that he was out of this world gorgeous either. It said he was 5’8”. He had blond hair and glasses, a big nose, but a nice smile that seemed sweet. The picture was of him sitting behind a desk, maybe at his work. He wore a white polo shirt and from his profile he was thirty eight years old. The fact that he liked my profile pretty much indicated that he was mentally unstable.

  Michael: You still there?

  Moxie: Yes, I was checking out your profile. Only fair, since you’ve seen mine.

  Michael: True.

  Moxie: So out of all the other people on this site, what made you choose mine?

  Michael: You’re original. I like that. Plus, I kind of figured everything that you wrote probably isn’t true. Except maybe the part about eating at the McDonald’s playground.

  Moxie: You got me. But the truth is I totally have a thing for Grimace.

  Michael: I have a confession.

  Moxie: What is that?

  Michael: I had a huge crush on Birdie Early Bird when I was a kid.

  I laughed out loud, but immediately felt guilty. I shouldn’t find other guys attractive or laugh at their lame jokes. I wanted to laugh at Miles’s stupid jokes and lay in his big arms. But Miles was the one thing I couldn’t have and at least Michael was providing some entertainment for the time being.

  Michael: So, what are some real qualities that you are looking for in someone?

  I paused. He was turning the conversation serious and I didn’t know if I wanted serious. I could lie. Chances were I would never meet this guy. It might be therapeutic to talk to a complete stranger. There is something about being behind a computer that makes it easier to say things. It certainly would be a lot cheaper than therapy. My computer chimed.

  Michael: Did I already scare you off? If it helps, I can go first.

&nb
sp; Moxie: Sure, enlighten me.

  Michael: Ok. I’m looking for a woman who is sweet, but also sassy. That’s why your profile caught my eye. Someone who doesn’t take themselves too seriously, but knows when to get down to business and doesn’t take shit from anyone.

  Moxie: How do you know I’m that kind of girl? I could be a boy pretending to be a woman, but maybe I’m a zebra really trying to be a man, trying to be a woman.

  Michael: You lost me.

  Moxie: I was just making sure everyone was still awake after your moving speech on what makes the perfect woman.

  Michael: Hmm, seems as though we have a woman scorned on our hands.

  Damn. I was being a total bitch with this poor guy when all he was trying to do was be nice.

  Moxie: Sorry, I just got out of a bad…relationship.

  Michael: Ah, the broken heart.

  Moxie: Something like that.

  Michael: Want to talk about it?

  I thought about it. Did I really want to pour out my sob story to this stranger? My kids started to trickle in the classroom, answering the question for me.

  Moxie: I have to get back to work.

  Michael: Maybe we can chat again?

  Moxie: Yeah, maybe.

  Leaving the conversation there, I snapped my laptop shut. I saw Dillion walk into the room and I couldn’t help but feel like I was cheating on Miles by talking to Michael. I looked at Dillion and gave him a smile, but all I got back was sad eyes. It was like he saw right through me.

  Chapter Twenty Two

  When I got home from teaching I was wiped. There must have been a full moon, because my kids had been complete terrors today. Well, they were terrors every day, but someone must have given them all Jolt before class today. Katie took it upon herself to alert the class that the girl scouts were going on a field trip to the Zoo and I wasn’t invited because I was prejudiced towards the panda bear race. That was when I slipped a dead bug into her snack.