Risking It All

by Jennifer Schmidt

  “How could you feel that way? That’s so hateful,” she said, her voice quivering and tears stinging her eyes as she fled the kitchen.

  “Kennedy.” He followed her to the living room and sat beside her on the couch, reaching for her hand.

  “Don’t touch me.” She snatched it away from him.

  “I didn’t want anything to happen to the baby, and if you had carried to full term, I would have tried to be the best father I could be. But I wasn’t ready, Kennedy,” he tried to explain. “We had only been seeing each other a few months, neither one of us really knew how we felt about each other yet, and then all of a sudden there’s a baby in the mix.”

  “Why didn’t you ever say anything?”

  “Because I didn’t know how to,” he said. “You were so upset and withdrawn, and I just found it easier to act like it never happened.” He looked down at his lap. “Honestly, I was scared that you were going to ask me to actually try this time and conceive another one. I think that’s why I threw myself into work so much.”

  Kennedy stared at him as what he said sank in.

  “So for the last year and a half you’ve been avoiding me so you wouldn’t have to have the uncomfortable baby talk?”

  “I never avoided you.” He looked up and inched closer to her. “I know it probably seemed like that, but that wasn’t my intention.”

  “Brooks, you said it yourself. You haven’t been there for me. Every single thing that you ask of me I’ve done, and when it comes to me, you just don’t care. I’m tired of it.”

  “I do care, though! Kennedy, I don’t blame you for being upset and angry with me and wanting to end things. But that’s the last thing that I want. I’m sorry that I’ve made you feel like shit and made you believe that you’re not important to me. I’m sorry that I’ve been paranoid about you and Memphis. You’ve never given me any reason to doubt you, and I trust you.”

  Guilt finally washed over her at those words, and she had to look away in shame from his trusting eyes.

  “Kennedy, let me prove to you that I can be the man you need me to be. Let me prove that I can be there for you,” he pleaded. “The whole time I was away, all I wanted was to be with you. I see that I’m pushing you away, and I can’t lose you.”

  “You never called,” she reminded him.

  “I know. I wanted to wait until I was home so I could see you face to face. I was worried you’d end it with a text.” He reached for her hand again, and this time she let him take it. “I need you, Kennedy. I just realized now how much.”

  “I think it’s too late,” she whispered.

  “Just let me try,” he begged. “Let me try, and if I fail you again, then I’ll let you go. No begging, no pleading, no more promises, I’ll just let you go. But at least let me try and be the man you fell in love with.”

  “Brooks . . .”

  Kennedy felt like her heart was being torn in two. She had been set to say good-bye to him, to walk out of his life and start fresh, hopefully with Memphis. That’s what she wanted.

  But did she owe it to Brooks to at least do as he was asking, and try and see if their relationship was salvageable? The memory of the morning she realized she had fallen in love with him returned. Could he be that man again? He had been so sweet, so considerate and attentive during that time. Was it possible he could find that man who disappeared and make her love him all over again?

  Did she owe that man—not the man he was now—a second chance?

  “You don’t have a tree!” he suddenly declared.

  “What?” Kennedy looked up at him.

  “Christmas is only four weeks away, and you don’t have a tree.”

  She wiped the tears from her cheeks and looked at the bare corner where her tree usually stood already decorated so close to the holiday.

  “I guess I forgot about Christmas.”

  “Let’s go get one tomorrow. I’ll stop by around noon, pick you up, we’ll find one, and spend the rest of the day decorating it,” he said.

  “Brooks, picking out a Christmas tree together won’t solve our problems.”

  “No, but it’s a start, right? Come on. Please?”

  “Don’t you work tomorrow?”

  “I have to check in in the morning, but I’m not on call until the next day. Spend the day with me, please?”

  Kennedy looked at him, hope and excitement brightening his eyes, and she couldn’t say no. She nodded, and he quickly leaned in to kiss her cheek.

  “I’ll pick you up at noon, then?”

  She nodded again, and watched as he stood and grabbed his jacket from the kitchen chair.

  “I won’t ask to stay,” he said, slipping his arms into the coat sleeves. “Although, I wish you’d invite me to.” He paused and she stayed quiet, so he took the hint and opened the door. “Thank you.”

  The sound of the door clicking into place as he left thundered through the apartment. Her chest suddenly felt like something was weighing down it. The pressure built and built until it felt like she was being suffocated from the weight and could barely breathe. Kennedy drew her legs up to her chest and curled into a ball.

  This was the guilt she had been waiting to feel all along. Only it wasn’t Brooks she felt like she had just betrayed.

  It was Memphis.

  Chapter 15

  “What about this one?” Brooks asked, stopping in front of a lush pine.

  Kennedy looked the tree up and down and shrugged.

  “It’s fine. Might be a little too big for my apartment, though.”

  “You know you’ve had a reason to hate every tree we’ve looked at today, right?”

  Kennedy turned away and moved onto the next one.

  “Hey.” Brooks reached out and gently grabbed her elbow. “What’s with you, Kennedy? Do you not want to do this?”

  “No. I mean, yes.” Kennedy sighed and shoved her hands into her coat pockets. “I’m sorry. I guess I’m just not into it this year.”

  “Since when are you not into Christmas? It’s your favorite holiday.”

  “I know. It just seems to have snuck up on me this year. I haven’t even started shopping yet.”

  Memphis studied her and slowly shook his head.

  “No. That’s not it. There’s something else. You can tell me, you know.”

  Kennedy pulled out of his grasp and continued to walk around the tree lot. Brooks followed her in silence, keeping a few steps behind her and giving her the space she needed. Finally, she stopped in front of a five-footer and nodded toward it.

  “I like this one,” she said.

  He stepped up beside her and looked the tree over.

  “Okay. I’ll just grab someone to help us get it to the truck.”

  “Great.” She forced a smile and watched him walk away.

  She waited until he was out of sight before pulling her cell out of her pocket and checking her messages. Her heart sank when she saw she had none, and she shoved the phone back into her pocket, disappointed.

  It wasn’t unusual for her not to hear from Memphis for a couple of days if he was deep in work, but she missed him more than she ever had before and really wanted to hear his voice, even if it was only for a few minutes.

  Brooks, of course, could tell something was bothering her, but how could she tell him the real reason behind her mood: that she would rather be back in Alaska with Memphis than here picking out trees with him?

  She missed Memphis—missed being in his arms and falling asleep with him next to her. She missed the way he looked at her across the breakfast table and the way his eyes darkened with desire when she did something completely innocent. It had only been forty-eight hours since she’d seen him last and it felt like eternity.

  Fear tightened her chest as she thought of Memphis. If she was going to give Brooks another chance, which was the impression she was giving him by being out here with him today, she would have to tell Memphis. She couldn’t go on secretly seeing him behind Brooks’s back. If she was going
to commit herself to starting over with Brooks, her relationship with Memphis would have to go back to the way it had been.

  If it could.

  Deep down she knew it couldn’t. She knew she would never be able to see him as just her friend any more. She would never be able to forget their time together and act as if it never happened. Everything between them had changed and there was no going back to the way things used to be.

  So if she was going to do this with Brooks, there was a very big possibility she would be saying good-bye to Memphis.

  The fear of that boiled in her belly and made it almost impossible for her to breathe. She turned away from Brooks when she saw him approaching her again and took a deep breath, trying to calm herself before he reached her.

  “It’s the red pickup just over there.” Brooks’s voice called from behind her and she quickly wiped at the tears before he noticed.

  He stepped up beside her with a lot worker and together they hauled the tree out to the truck while Kennedy paid the cashier before Brooks could pull out his wallet.

  “I was going to get it for you,” Brooks told her later on the way home.

  “I can pay for my own tree, Brooks,” she said, a little harsher than she intended. She still felt shaken from her earlier thoughts in the lot.

  “I never said you couldn’t. I just wanted to get it for you.”

  “Look, I appreciate the gesture, but since when have you ever volunteered to buy my Christmas tree for me? I don’t need you to throw money away buying me things, Brooks. That’s not what I need out of a relationship. I need a man who is going to be there.”

  “That’s what I’m trying to do. Hell, Kennedy, in the two years we’ve been together, we’ve never done this. You always pick out your tree with Memphis.”

  Kennedy felt a pang of longing at the mention of Memphis’s name, and she looked out the window, trying to hide her sudden tears.

  “You’re fine helping with it, right?” Brooks asked, stopping in front of her building.

  “No, I’m a helpless little girl.” She got out of the truck quickly before he could say anything to her snarky comment.

  She grabbed the trunk and waited for Brooks to grab the top, and together they hauled it to the elevator and up to her place. By the time they had it set up in the corner, needles littered her floor, and she grabbed the vacuum cleaner as Brooks took her decorations out of the storage closet and brought them to the living room.

  “Thanks,” she said, dropping to her knees next to the first box and opening the flaps.

  “Here, let me untangle those lights while you unpack.”

  Kennedy handed over the box and rummaged through the rest of the decorations.

  “Do you remember our first Christmas Eve together?” Brooks asked, after he had strung up the lights.

  Kennedy’s smile was real for the first time that day as she fondly remembered that year.

  “I was so pissed that the power went out and ruined the dinner I spent hours making,” she recalled. “I think I locked myself in the bathroom and cried for an hour.”

  Brooks laughed.

  “I hate that all your hard work went to waste, but I will admit I love how that night started our tradition of cold, leftover Chinese takeout and all-night lovemaking.”

  Kennedy kept her eyes on the box and heard his exasperated sigh.

  “I’m trying here, Kennedy. But it’s as if you’ve already made up your mind that no matter what I do, it’s not going to be enough.”

  “I’m just really confused right now.”

  “About what?”

  “About this.” She spread her arms out in front of her and looked up at him. “About us. About what I really want and not just what I feel like I should do.”

  Brooks squatted next to her so they were eye level, forcing her to look at him and not ignore him.

  “Is this just something you feel you should do? Is being with me just something you feel you should do?” he asked.

  Kennedy shook her head.

  “I don’t know,” she whispered.

  Brooks looked down at his hands and clasped them together.

  “Did something happen in Alaska, Kennedy? Something you’re not telling me?”

  Her breath caught in her throat at the question, and she looked back down at the box.

  “Like what?” She grabbed the first thing she saw and pulled it out.

  “Anything that would explain why you’re acting so strange and cold toward me.”

  “I told you. I did some thinking while I was up there, and I came home honestly expecting to break up with you,” she said. “So yes, suddenly not doing that and rethinking the whole situation again is a little confusing and has me acting strange. I’m sorry it inconveniences you.”

  “That’s not what I meant.”

  Kennedy glared at him.

  “What did you mean, then?”

  “Did something happen between you and Memphis?”

  “And I thought your days of paranoia were over with.” She pushed to her feet and escaped to the kitchen.

  “It’s not paranoia if something happened,” he argued, following her.

  “How many trips have you gone on, Brooks?” she threw back at him, feeling defensive and trapped. “You go away for a week or two at a time every couple of months, and I have never accused you of having an affair.”

  “Are you serious right now?” he said, shocked. “I’m working on those trips.”

  “I know that! But that doesn’t mean you couldn’t have a little something on the side. And I have never once questioned you about it.”

  Brooks stared at her, hurt and anger lining his face.

  “You know I’m not like that,” he finally said.

  “But I am?”

  Completely.

  She felt like shit. Lower than shit. Whatever was lower than shit—that was her.

  Brooks’s face softened, and he shook his head.

  “No. Of course not. I’m sorry, Kennedy.”

  Definitely lower than shit.

  “Maybe I should go,” he said.

  “No.” Kennedy half sighed, half groaned and gave him a partial smile. “You don’t have to go. Besides, you said you were going to help decorate the tree.”

  “Oh. You just want me to stick around so you’ll have someone to lift those boxes back into the closet for you.”

  Kennedy laughed as she felt some of the tension leave her body and lifted one shoulder in a shrug.

  “I’ll feed you if you do.”

  Brooks cocked an eyebrow and opened her fridge door.

  “Feed me what? Questionable looking cheese and mustard?”

  “I know, I know. I need to grocery shop. But the good news is I have a phone and a great pizza place on speed dial.”

  Brooks closed the fridge and chuckled.

  “Okay, deal.”

  Kennedy tried to sneak past him, but he caught her hand and gently pulled her to a stop. Her heart jerked at what she was sure his intentions were, and she was afraid to lift her eyes from the floor.

  “Hey?” He tugged on her fingers trying to get her attention.

  Kennedy slowly looked at him and he smiled.

  “No olives, remember.”

  She breathed a sigh of relief and nodded as she quickly pulled her hand free and hurried out of the room.

  She knew she wouldn’t be able to hold off his advances forever, and when he did decide to make a move, she had no idea how she was going to deal with it.

  ~*~

  “What do you mean you haven’t broken up with him yet?” Vanessa demanded in the produce aisle the next day.

  Kennedy decided it was time to finally stock her house with food again when she had been tempted to cut off the mold and eat the questionable cheese that morning for breakfast. She had called Vanessa wanting company on the lonesome shopping trip, and Vanessa was all too happy to get out of the house and walk around, hoping to bring labor on.

  But once the inquisi
tion had started, Kennedy regretted her decision to not shop alone.

  “He showed up at my place with flowers, Vanessa. Flowers!” Kennedy tossed a few peppers into a plastic produce bag and added them to her cart. “Do you know how big of a deal that is?”

  “So you’re going to stay with a guy you no longer love because he bought you flowers?” Vanessa scrunched up her nose.

  “No. I don’t know.” Kennedy grabbed some fruit and pushed her cart to the next section. “He asked me to try. What was I supposed to do?”

  “Sweetie, you can’t stay with someone you don’t want to be with,” Vanessa told her in a softer tone.

  “I know that.” Kennedy grabbed all the usual dairy products— yogurt, milk, eggs, cheese—and pushed her cart along.

  “What about Memphis?”

  Kennedy’s grip tightened on the cart’s handle.

  “What about Memphis?” she asked.

  “Don’t play dumb. You told him you were ending things with Brooks, and now when he comes home, what?”

  “I don’t know, Vanessa!” Kennedy cried, drawing eyes her way from the other shoppers. Repeating quieter, she said, “I don’t know.”

  Kennedy continued down the aisles, tossing things into her cart in silence. She grabbed a box of Lucky Charms and stared down at the colorful picture, smiling as she remembered their first night in Alaska.

  “Have a thing for the leprechaun, huh?” Vanessa asked as she ripped open a bag of some kind of chocolate-covered cereal and popped the little balls into her mouth.

  Kennedy rolled her eyes and dropped the cereal. She reached for a handful of what her friend was eating and made a face.

  “Ugh!” She had to resist the urge to spit the awful cereal on the grocery store floor.

  “It’s good,” Vanessa moaned and rubbed her stomach. “Peanut agrees.” She looked at Kennedy thoughtfully and finished chewing before asking, “Have you heard from Memphis?”

  “Three days ago,” she answered.

  “Have you tried calling him since?”

  “I don’t like bothering him while he’s away working.”

  “Oh, but distracting him with sex is okay?”

  Kennedy ignored her teasing, grabbed a few bags of chips, and pushed her cart to the checkout line.