Zane leaned back in his chair. He’d met Missy Deming only one time and she’d been almost exactly like the former-mistress-turned-third-wife that he expected her to be. Almost. Expensive clothes and silicone enhanced breasts aside, she’d seemed sweet, innocent – almost child-like in her naiveté. He remembered thinking at the time that she’d likely gotten herself caught up in a world she wasn’t mentally equipped to deal with. And from the looks of things, he’d been right.
Ned pushed the folder across the desk towards him but Zane didn’t reach for it.
“Detectives will be questioning him in the morning. When this goes to trial – and it will go to trial – you’ll be first chair. Dupree will be second chair,” Ned added as he heaved his considerable girth out of the chair. “This is the one, Zane. Lock this thing up and you’re in.”
With that, Ned wandered out of the office and Zane stared at the folder. It represented the culmination of his career…everything he’d worked for, every part of himself that he’d locked away so he could get to this very moment. But for the life of him, he couldn’t make himself pick the damn thing up.
***
“What the hell is he doing here?” Jagger growled as he pulled the car in behind the black Audi sitting in front of Connor’s apartment. Connor’s stomach dropped out when he saw Zane sitting on the steps leading up to his place though when Zane briefly lifted his head, the light from the overhead street lamp didn’t reveal concern that they’d been found out by Jagger, but something else. Something bad enough that Connor reached his hand out and grabbed Jagger by the arm before he could get out of the car.
“Jagger,” Connor said softly as he forced his eyes from Zane and looked at his best friend. “I’ve never asked you for anything, have I?”
Jagger’s hard eyes shifted from Zane to him and the tensing of his jaw had Connor guessing he knew what Connor was about to ask of him. Jagger finally shook his head.
“Go home. I promise I’ll tell you everything tomorrow, but right now I need you to drive away.”
Relief went through Connor at the sight of Jagger softening. “Call me tomorrow,” was all his friend said as he put the car in park and waited.
“Thank you,” Connor said as he got out of the car. He kept his eyes on Zane as he heard Jagger’s car pull away. He would have liked to run up the stairs so he could get to Zane sooner but his leg made that impossible. As soon as he reached the top step where Zane was sitting, Zane lifted his hand to help Connor lower himself to the warped wood.
“I’m sorry, I forgot you were having dinner with them tonight,” Zane said as his eyes dropped back down to study the wood between his feet. His dejected tone was scaring Connor to death. He’d seen Zane only twenty-four hours earlier at their last hook-up but he’d seemed okay for the most part…preoccupied maybe, but nothing like this.
“It ended up just being me, Ren and Jagger,” Connor murmured. “Declan got called away.”
Zane nodded.
“What happened, Zane?” Connor whispered as he reached up to run his fingers through Zane’s hair. Zane leaned into his touch and Connor shifted closer so that their legs and hips were pressed against each other.
“I was at the office doing some research on a big case I have coming up. A co-worker came in and told me what happened.” Zane reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone. Once he unlocked it, he handed it to Connor who read the headline of the news story on the screen.
Local businessman kills wife, self. Seven-year-old son found unharmed.
“Did you know them?” Connor asked gently.
“I defended him on assault and battery charges earlier this year. He found his wife in bed with another man and beat him so badly that the guy wound up in a coma for three weeks. His injuries ultimately left him a paraplegic. The wife said the guy had raped her but the D.A. didn’t believe her so they charged the husband. We won the criminal case and settled the civil one.”
Zane took the phone back and scrolled the screen. “I learned a long time ago not to ask my clients if they actually did what they were accused of, but this guy…I had myself completely convinced that he was innocent and that he was defending his wife.”
Connor reached up to run his hand over Zane’s back and he could feel the trembling beneath his palm.
“He beat her to death with a baseball bat and then shot himself. They found the kid hiding under his bed. He’s an orphan now because of me.”
“Not because of you, Zane. You were doing your job.”
“Explain that to him when he asks for his mom and dad tonight,” Zane whispered as he held up the phone to show a little boy with light brown hair and clear blue eyes. His wide smile showed two missing front teeth.
Connor trailed his hand along Zane’s inner arm until their palms met. He threaded their fingers together and leaned against him. “It’s not your fault, Zane.”
Zane tucked the phone back into his pocket and then closed his other hand around their joined ones. “Can I stay here tonight?”
He refused to lift his gaze when he asked the question so Connor used his free hand to wrap around Zane’s cheek and forced their eyes to meet. He pulled Zane in for a gentle kiss and then climbed to his feet, refusing to release his hand. Zane followed him docilely into the apartment and this time it was Connor who led him to the bedroom and gently undressed him before getting him under the covers of his bed.
***
Zane felt warmth finally begin to seep into his skin when Connor pulled him against his body. He could hear Connor’s heart beating beneath his ear and he couldn’t stop himself from closing his arms around Connor’s body as if he were afraid the man would try to pull away from him. Or worse, that he was dreaming and that he’d wake up any second alone in his bed, assuaged with memories of the little chubby-faced boy who’d asked Zane if he could play with the model cars that decorated Zane’s bookshelf in his office. He’d later learned from his assistant that the kid had sat for more than an hour on the floor by her desk happily lining up the cars up on an imaginary racetrack as Zane had outlined the defense he would present to the boy’s parents. He’d seen him again on the day his father had been found not guilty. A nanny had been sitting outside the courtroom with him but the second the jury’s decision was read, the kid had come running into the room and jumped into his father’s waiting arms. It had been the first time in a long time that Zane had found more pleasure in the actual outcome rather than the fact that he’d won an otherwise unwinnable case.
“I’m sorry about Jagger,” Zane said. “I should have texted you to see if it was okay to come over.”
The fingers that had been running through his hair stilled and then tightened just enough to force his head back. “You never have to ask, Zane. I will always be here if you need me. Friends or not.”
Friends. The word was both more than he could have hoped for to describe their relationship yet somehow not enough.
“And Jagger will be okay with it.” The words were said with quiet confidence.
“How did you two meet?” Zane asked.
“We were stationed at the same base in Iraq for a while. I actually caught him making out with the guy I’d been dating for a few weeks,” Connor said with a chuckle.
“What?” Zane asked in surprise.
“Yeah. They guy had lied to him about being with someone. I think Jagger was more pissed for me than for himself. I had to keep him from kicking the guy’s ass. Afterwards we had a pretty good laugh over it.”
“You two never…”
“No,” Connor interjected. “If he was interested in me, he never showed it and even though I thought he was hot, at that point I’d been burned too many times to even consider starting something with him.”
Zane wasn’t sure he liked Connor referring to Jagger as hot but it was a hell of a lot easier knowing the two hadn’t ever been together. “Who burned you?”
He felt Connor stiffen against him and he was quiet for so long that Zane was sure he w
asn’t going to answer. But he finally felt Connor suck in a deep breath before he began speaking.
“I wasn’t exactly popular in school. I guess I was kind of part geek, part nerd. Most kids only talked to me when they needed help with their homework or to ask if they could cheat off me during a test or something…of course, then they were my best friend. I started doing some tutoring my senior year to earn a little bit of extra cash and I ended up working with a few jocks. One of them was always really nice to me. Said things like how smart and cute I was, but I was too clueless to even realize he was flirting with me.”
Another bout of jealousy went through Zane, but feeling Connor’s fingers drifting up and down his back helped eased his irritation.
“His name was Tad and he pitched for the baseball team. He was beautiful of course, popular, tons of friends, pretty girlfriend. He ended up being my first everything. First kiss, first crush, first fuck.”
“What happened?” Zane asked when Connor fell quiet.
“He kept promising that he would come out once he had his scholarships lined up and then we could be together in public. It bothered me that he ignored me when we were around other people and he hadn’t broken up with his girlfriend, but I believed him when he told me he loved me. I let him fuck me for the first time in his parents’ basement when they were out of town for the weekend. It wasn’t anything like I thought it would be but I thought maybe I’d just been too nervous to enjoy it. I tried to talk to him about it at school a couple days later but he just said it had been fun but that he didn’t want to be tied down when he left for college. It took him calling me a faggot in front of his friends for me to realize he’d been using me from the beginning.”
“Fucker,” Zane muttered. He felt Connor’s fingers still on his back but then they resumed their stroking. “Was he the only one?”
“No. I tried a couple more times while I was enlisted. The first guy was nice enough but he got frustrated that I wasn’t sexually adventurous. The second guy said if I didn’t like the sex, I could just blow him and he’d be good.” Connor actually let out a little laugh
“Sadly, that turned out to be my best relationship. I actually thanked Jagger for showing me what an asshole the guy was. Once I hooked up with Jason, I knew there was something wrong with me sexually but I was just hoping I could find a way to live with that part of the relationship so I could have what my parents had.”
“They loved each other?” Zane asked as he twisted so he was facing Connor but still had his head resting on Connor’s chest.
Connor nodded. “They met in high school and were never apart after that. They went to the same college, never dated other people, got married before they were even legally allowed to drink at their own wedding.”
“What did they do for a living?”
“My mom taught English Lit at a private college in New Hampshire. My dad was a CPA. They both had such bookish jobs, but man were they crazy,” Connor said with a smile. “Our house was always the one with the most decorations for every holiday – used to drive the neighbors crazy. And they’d try out all these different things after reading about them in magazines or newspapers. One year it was raising chickens, the next year they tried their hand at beekeeping…that one made the neighbors particularly nervous. They were at every school play or talent show and they always clapped the loudest – you’d think I’d been making my debut on Broadway or something. My mom learned how to sew just so she could make my costumes and my dad would help me come up with these elaborate skits that I’d always end up forgetting as soon as I got up on stage…once he even got up there with me to help me remember my lines.”
Zane reached up to swipe a stray tear from Connor’s cheek and Connor smiled and kissed his damp thumb.
“What happened after you lost them?”
“I went to live with my aunt and her husband. I’d only met them a couple times before the fire. I guess my aunt and my mom had some kind of falling out when they were younger but they were the only relatives I had left. They didn’t have any kids of their own and I didn’t realize until later that that was the way they had wanted it. I tried being really good and staying out of trouble but it didn’t seem to matter.”
“Did they hurt you?”
Connor shook his head. “No, just ignored me. I always wondered why they’d even taken me in. I finally figured it out when I overheard them arguing about the money almost being gone. Turns out they’d spent all the money my parents had left me. There wasn’t even enough for a semester of college but by then I’d already decided to enlist.”
“You never tried to go after them for the money?” Zane asked in bewilderment.
Connor shrugged. “It just didn’t seem to be important. And even if they never wanted me, at least by taking me in, they kept me out of foster care.”
Zane’s whole body drew tight at Connor’s words and he dropped his eyes. But he knew Connor hadn’t missed his reaction because he stroked his fingers over the scars on Zane’s forearm and whispered, “Is that where this happened?”
***
The veins in Zane’s arm stood out in heavy contrast to the white scars Connor was tracing his fingers over as he waited for Zane to respond…that was assuming he’d respond at all. It had been a complete guess on his part and that was only because he’d felt Zane’s extreme reaction to his mention of foster care. Connor had had a sneaking suspicion as to what had caused the scars when he first discovered them after stripping Zane’s shirt off in the motel a couple of weeks ago, but he hadn’t had the courage, or felt like it was his right, to ask about them.
“Foster father number three,” Zane finally said. “He liked to see how long it would take before I started to cry or begged him to stop. I never did either.”
“Cigarettes?” Connor asked carefully.
“Cigars,” Zane responded. “The worst was when he’d do it to a burn that had just started to heal…those hurt like a motherfucker.”
“How old were you?”
“Fourteen.”
“What happened to your parents?”
“My mom left when I was six and my dad died when I was thirteen.”
Connor could tell Zane was reluctant to share anymore and he didn’t push him. He was still reeling from the fact that Zane had come to him in the first place and that he’d admitted such a pivotal piece of his past.
“Family services tracked down my mom but she’d already gotten remarried by then and was expecting her first kid – second I guess, if you count me. She signed away her legal rights but she sent along a nice note telling me she was sorry and to be a good boy.”
“Zane…”
“There’s nothing wrong with you, Connor,” Zane whispered as his eyes began to drift shut. “Sexually or otherwise…you take my breath away every time we touch.” A smile drifted across Connor’s mouth as Zane began to relax beneath his fingers and when his breathing finally evened out as he drifted off, Connor let his head fall back against the headboard as he finally admitted the truth to himself…that he was well on his way to losing his heart to Zane…if he hadn’t already.
Chapter 7
“Help me understand,” Jagger muttered as he leaned back against the couch cushions.
Connor figured they were off to a promising start since Jagger wasn’t pacing or yelling. Even though it wasn’t even eight o’clock on a Sunday morning, Ren and Declan had made themselves scarce so it was just him and Jagger in the spacious townhouse. He’d hated leaving Zane asleep in his bed but since the man hadn’t even stirred when Connor had untangled their bodies, Connor knew he was worn out. He just really hoped Zane would still be there when he got back. “You want the long version or the short version?” Connor asked.
“I want whatever version explains how someone like you could end up with someone like him.”
“Someone like him?” Connor asked carefully. “He’s not a bad person, Jagger.”
“I know that. He’s just…fuck, I don’t know – there
’s something just off about the guy.”
“You know nothing about him.”
“And you do?” Jagger asked. “Because what I do know is that he hooked up with Declan for one reason and one reason only. Are you saying there’s something more between you two?”
Connor dropped his eyes even though he knew it was as good as answering in the negative. “You want to know what I do know?” Connor finally said. “I know that he makes me feel good in a way that no other man ever has. And I know when he’s done with me, he’ll come right out and tell me instead of fucking around behind my back or treating me like shit. I know that when I’m with him, I actually forget for a little while that a part of me is never coming back from that hell hole.” He lifted his eyes and pinned Jagger with his gaze. “And last night I found out that maybe he needs me just as much as I need him right now.”
Jagger studied him for so long that Connor actually started to rise. But Jagger reached out his hand and waved him back down. “I wanted more for you.”
“I know. Maybe someday I’ll be lucky enough to find what you have…what my parents had. But I’d rather take a lifetime of what Zane is offering over one more day of some guy claiming to love me and me being desperate enough to believe him,” Connor said. He stood up and dropped a hand to Jagger’s shoulder as he moved by him. “Now give me a lift home. I left an insanely hot guy passed out in my bed and I can’t stop thinking about the many ways I could wake him up.”
He chuckled when he heard Jagger let out a groan and mumble, “TMI, man. TMI.”
***
Zane forced his legs over the side of Connor’s bed and glanced at the clock on the nightstand. Nine a.m. He couldn’t even recall the last time he’d slept so late or so well. By his estimate, he’d gotten almost twelve hours of sleep and he hadn’t woken up even once. The last thing he remembered was the feel of Connor’s hard chest rising and falling gently beneath his cheek. And Connor’s fingers…he remembered those because they’d touched him all over and not to stir up his desire but to offer comfort. He let his eyes drift down to the scars on his arm and trailed his fingers over them. He’d never told a single soul about them because they represented a part of his life that didn’t exist anymore. A part when he’d felt adrift and lost and angry and he’d reacted to violence with violence. But he’d overcome that life. He’d used all the rage and bitterness that consumed him and turned it into a never-ending quest to be the best…have the best. He’d made sure he would never have to rely on another person for anything ever again – not money, not validation, not even fucking companionship.
Freeing Zane (Barretti Security Series, Book 4) Page 9
