Freeing Zane (Barretti Security Series, Book 4)

by Sloane Kennedy

  “I did my homework after you propositioned me last year. I couldn’t risk being outed.”

  “I never would have done that,” Zane whispered as his settled on Connor once more.

  “I didn’t know that back then. You were the only guy I’d ever been with that I didn’t meet in some club for a quick fuck in the bathroom or alley.”

  So Declan had known about him all along. “Why didn’t you say anything?”

  “What was I supposed to say? Thanks for a great fuck and oh by the way, sorry about your dad and your boyfriend?” Declan was quiet for a moment before he asked, “Does your firm know?”

  “Not about my dad – I legally changed my name before I started law school. They never asked about Blake so my guess is they were too focused on my handling of the Ferrera case.”

  “It wasn’t your fault, Zane.”

  “Saying it doesn’t make it so, Declan,” Zane murmured. Before Declan could say anything else, Zane said, “Did you send me the footage?”

  Declan was quiet for a long moment before he said, “You don’t need to see that shit.”

  “I can get it from Mags.”

  A frown appeared on Declan’s features and then he reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone. Zane’s phone vibrated in his pocket a moment later.

  “Will you stay with him?” Zane asked. “The nurse gave him enough pain medication to knock him out for a while but I don’t want him to be alone.”

  Declan nodded.

  Zane stood and left the room but stopped just outside the door. He pulled out his phone and sucked in a deep breath as he pulled up Declan’s email. Ignoring the trembling in his fingers, he forced another round of oxygen into his lungs and then hit the play button.

  ***

  “Zane?”

  “Right here, baby.”

  Connor was glad when he eyes actually obeyed his brain’s command to open. He felt like he’d been run over by a freight train but at least he wasn’t trapped in a drug-induced haze anymore.

  “What time is it?”

  “A little after four,” Zane said as Connor finally managed to focus on him.

  “Morning?”

  “Afternoon.”

  “What day is it?”

  “Friday.”

  Friday? How the hell could it be Friday? He searched his muddled brain for his last memory. “We played hooky…”

  “That was Monday,” Zane said gently. “Is that the last thing you remember?”

  Connor’s head was starting to hurt and he struggled to sit up. Zane’s hand closed over his shoulder to keep him from moving but pain was already radiating through Connor’s midsection.

  “What happened?” Connor moaned.

  “You were attacked while you were closing up the bar Tuesday night.”

  “Attacked?” Connor said in confusion. His mind raced as he tried to remember. Images began to fire through his brain one right after the other but they were all of Zane.

  “You dropped me off,” Connor said. “Mags saw us kissing.”

  Zane nodded. “That was right before you started your shift.”

  “It was quiet like usual. Mags left because it was her and Gemma’s anniversary. I closed up like always…”

  No, not like always. He’d gone to lock the door when a dark form had appeared on the other side.

  “There was someone at the door - I thought it was you at first,” Connor said absent-mindedly. “Oh God,” he cried out as he again tried to sit up.

  “It’s okay, Connor. You’re safe now.”

  “Jason,” Connor breathed.

  “Connor, talk to me,” Zane ordered.

  “He hit me with the door and I fell back. He was screaming at me – he kept saying I was his. I didn’t even have time to say anything. He swung at me with a knife.” Connor reached for his stomach but stopped short when he saw his bandaged hands.

  “I didn’t feel it,” he murmured as he stared at his abdomen. He couldn’t see the injury but he sure as hell could feel it and he could see the outline of the bandage pressing against his hospital gown. “I tried to swing one of my crutches at him but I lost my balance and fell. He was on top of me and I knew he was going to kill me – I could see it in his eyes. I managed to grab the knife when he tried to stab me with it.” His voice cracked when he once again looked at his hands which were completely covered. God, he hadn’t felt the blade slicing through his hands either.

  “He lost his grip on the knife and it fell to the floor. I don’t…I don’t remember anything else,” he said as he struggled to bring back more memories of the attack. But it was like someone had hit the stop button at the exact moment the knife had clattered to the floor. He felt Zane’s gentle caress on his skin.

  “He’s gone, Connor. He can’t ever hurt you again,”

  “He’s dead?”

  Zane nodded.

  “How?”

  ***

  Zane had known the question was inevitable but no amount of mental preparation he’d done made the words any easier to get out.

  “I did it, didn’t I?” Connor whispered.

  Zane’s hand was still resting on Connor’s shoulder to keep him from trying to sit up and he began gently massaging it. “When he dropped the knife, he put his hands around your throat,” Zane began.

  Declan had been right about Zane not needing to see what had happened on the video but it was a bell that couldn’t be un-rung. And the nightmare of watching Connor fight for his life would haunt Zane for the rest of his life. There’d been no sound associated with the footage but it hadn’t been necessary because every emotion had been visible on Connor’s face including the terror as he realized he only had moments to live as Jason cut off his air supply. But thankfully Connor’s survival instinct and combat training had kicked in and he’d managed to loosen Jason’s hold on him long enough to grab the knife.

  “Did someone see it happen?” Connor asked in confusion.

  “The security camera Mags put in place captured the whole thing.”

  It took Connor a moment to understand what he was saying and Zane suspected the morphine in his system was still playing havoc with Connor’s ability to think clearly. “She mentioned she was putting it in but I didn’t give it much thought after that.”

  “You were able to get a hold of the knife,” Zane said. “After you...afterwards, you were able to push him off of you but you passed out. A guy walking by the bar saw you and called for help. You were bleeding internally so the doctors had to do surgery. They were able to repair the damage to your hands too.”

  Connor nodded but Zane could see he was checking out mentally. Even though Connor had likely been forced to kill at some point during his time in the army, Zane could only imagine that killing someone he’d known, had even liked at one point, was entirely different.

  “Connor,” Zane whispered as he leaned down and pressed his cheek against Connor’s. “You didn’t have a choice.”

  Zane could feel Connor’s tears against his own skin and he pulled back. “Move over, baby,” he said softly as he carefully climbed onto the bed next to Connor and wrapped his arm around Connor’s shoulder. Connor’s face pressed against his chest as he began to sob brokenly.

  “It’s okay,” he repeated over and over again. A nurse appeared in the room and gave him a disapproving look but didn’t say anything before backing out and closing the door to give them privacy. Several long minutes passed before Connor’s crying slowed but even long after Connor drifted off to sleep, Zane stayed exactly where he was.

  ***

  Connor was quiet…too quiet. And Zane fucking hated it. It had been more than two weeks since the stabbing and almost ten days since Connor had been released from the hospital. Zane had expected a fight on multiple fronts when he’d announced to the doctors that Connor would be going home with him to recover. But all he’d gotten was a nod of understanding from Jagger who’d been in the room to hear about Connor’s discharge instructions and an unnervin
g silence from Connor who didn’t seem to be aware of what was going on around him. At one point he’d even leaned down over Connor’s hospital bed to whisper Connor’s name thinking the man was caught in one of his episodes but Connor had just glanced at him with empty eyes.

  The press that had been camped outside the hospital had no effect on Connor as Zane had wheeled him out to his waiting car but the appearance of Lionel Sutter had. The man had come from nowhere and had started calling Connor a murderer. Jagger and Declan had managed to hold Jason’s father back before he could actually make contact but the hatred and venom that Lionel had spewed at Connor had had Connor flinching back as if in pain. And the horde of reporters had loved every second of it as they thrust their microphones in Connor’s face to ask how he felt about killing Jason Sutter. Lionel’s outburst and the fact that he’d done it in front of cameras had had Zane picking up the phone to call Dom Barretti the second he got Connor settled at his place. Dom had agreed to round the clock surveillance on Lionel as well as protection for Connor. Zane had taken things a step further and had gotten a restraining order against Lionel, though he knew the piece of paper would do little to stop Lionel, just like it had done next to nothing to stop his son.

  Once they’d gotten to his apartment, Zane had helped Connor to bed and the only time Connor had gotten out of it since was to use the bathroom and to go to his follow-up appointment with his surgeon to have the stitches from his hands and stomach removed. Since the damage to his right hand was more severe than his left, the doctors had fitted him with a splint that would allow the tendons to heal but since Connor was naturally right handed, he struggled with even the most mundane tasks like trying to brush his teeth or pick up a fork.

  Countless visitors including Mrs. Finney had stopped by to see Connor in the days following his release but he’d turned them all away. And when Zane pulled Connor against him every night, Connor remained stiff and unyielding until he fell asleep. Only then did his body betray him and he curled up against Zane. But as soon as he woke up, he turned away from Zane and shifted himself until he was as close to the edge of Zane’s king size bed as he could get without falling off of it.

  But nothing compared to the nightmares. They happened every night and it was all Zane could do to restrain Connor without inadvertently hurting him as he thrashed around on the bed. His episodes had worsened in intensity and frequency too, but fortunately he still came out of them when Zane touched or spoke to him. But the whole thing was draining Connor more and more each day and Zane was helpless to stop it. He’d even asked Ren for this therapist’s number but when he’d asked Connor to talk to the doctor, Connor just shook his head.

  “I want to go home.”

  Zane closed his eyes at Connor’s words. They weren’t the first time he’d heard them but they still managed to rip him to shreds. A glance at the clock on his nightstand showed that it wasn’t quite midnight. Connor was huddled on his side of the bed and had his back to Zane.

  Zane didn’t bother telling Connor that he was fine with staying at Connor’s place while he recovered because he knew Connor would tell him the same thing he’d said the first time he’d made the request – that he didn’t want Zane there. He’d stopped short of telling Zane he didn’t want to see him at all anymore but with the distance that had grown between them, Zane knew it was just a matter of time.

  “Tell me what I did wrong,” Zane whispered. He was desperate to reach for Connor but he knew his touch wouldn’t be welcome.

  “I just want to go home,” Connor repeated, a tremor of emotion finally in his voice.

  Tears stung the back of Zane’s eyes as he rolled on his side and drew his legs up in an effort to stem the physical pain in his gut. “I’ll take you home tomorrow,” he finally said, though the second the words left his mouth, all he wanted to do was call them back.

  ***

  Connor bit back a moan of pain as he heard the heartbreak in Zane’s voice. It felt like Jason’s knife was slicing him open all over again. But nothing he did could get him past the reality of what he’d become – what he’d spent the last two years trying to avoid. What he’d never wanted Zane to see him as. Weak, helpless…useless. And now he had blood on his hands and it was his own damn fault. Because he’d been foolish enough to think ignoring Jason would be enough to deter him.

  But it wasn’t fair to Zane to let him believe it was something he’d done. “You didn’t do anything wrong, Zane. I just want things to go back to the way they were…back to normal.”

  Zane’s next words were so soft that Connor could barely hear them. “I want to go back to when the worst night of my life was finding out my father had died and not the night I heard some stranger’s voice on your phone telling me…telling me that you weren’t able to talk to me.”

  Connor’s heart clenched at the agony he heard in Zane’s voice. “Zane-”

  The bed shifted suddenly but instead of Zane reaching for him, he heard Zane get up. Connor shifted his weight up with his elbow and saw Zane walk around the bed.

  “I’ll be in the guest bedroom if you need anything. I’ll call Jagger in the morning to come get you.”

  “Zane, wait,” Connor said as he ignored the pain in his hand and pushed himself upright. He glanced frantically around for his crutches but didn’t see them anywhere. Zane had ignored him and was almost to the door when Connor grabbed the edge of the nightstand and stood. The small lamp that Zane had left on for him to help him through his nightmares went flying as he lost his balance and the whole room went dark when the lamp hit the floor.

  Strong arms went around him before he too hit the ground but when Zane tried to sit him back on the bed, Connor wrapped his arms around him. “I’m sorry,” he whispered against Zane’s bare chest as he dug his fingers into Zane’s back. Zane stood stiffly in his hold but when Connor repeated the words, he felt Zane’s body relax slightly and the hands that had been trying to gently push him away curled around him instead.

  Connor reached up to pull Zane’s head down so their lips were nearly touching. “I’m so sorry,” he murmured before kissing Zane softly. When he drew back slightly, Zane released a pent up breath and finally nodded.

  “I was so scared,” Zane said unevenly. “When that doctor said you were bleeding inside and I saw you in that hospital bed…” Zane shook his head almost violently and Connor realized he was too overcome to finish the statement.

  “Come back to bed, okay?” Connor said. Zane’s fingers flexed along his back but he got another quick nod and then Zane was helping him back under the covers. Zane carefully climbed over him instead of going around the bed but he kept his distance once he was settled and shame went through Connor at the realization that he’d done this. He’d been so caught up in his pity party that he hadn’t even considered the damage he was inflicting on Zane. How many others had done the same to this beautiful man?

  He knew the answer. So many that Zane had wrapped himself in a cloak of indifference to protect himself. Instead of buckling under the brutal life he’d been handed, he’d told fate to fuck off and had gone out and built the future he wanted…the one where he wouldn’t have to depend on a disinterested justice system or cruel foster parents or a mother who had so easily dismissed him.

  Connor rolled so that his chest was resting on Zane’s. His eyes had adjusted enough to see that Zane wasn’t looking at him. “Zane, I never wanted to be in this position with you,” he admitted.

  Zane’s eyes shifted to his but he remained silent.

  “I wanted you to see me as an equal and not someone you needed…”

  “To take care of,” Zane finished for him.

  Connor nodded. He felt Zane’s fingers thread through his hair and tighten to the point that it was almost painful.

  “He fucking stabbed you, Connor. I watched him taking your life and it was like I was right there in that bar with you but I couldn’t stop it. And I’ve spent the last two weeks watching it happen over and over again every tim
e you woke up screaming my name.”

  Connor sucked in a sharp breath at that. He remembered the nightmares but hadn’t had any idea he’d been calling out for Zane.

  “I needed this,” Zane said angrily.

  He made a move to push Connor off of him but Connor pressed all his weight down on Zane. He wasn’t surprised when Zane didn’t force him off since that would have aggravated Connor’s injuries.

  “Do you want to know when I first knew I was going to fall in love with you?”

  ***

  Zane froze at Connor’s words. He’d been trying to figure out how to extricate himself from Connor without hurting him but Connor’s statement stopped him cold.

  “It was when I got your text telling me which motel to meet you at for our first time together.”

  Zane knew it was too dark for Connor to see his expression but he must have sensed his confusion because he quickly continued. “Of all the motels you could have picked, you picked one that was exactly halfway between my work and my apartment and it was directly on the bus route.”

  “It was convenient…” Zane started to say.

  “You also picked a room for the disabled. I asked the guy at the front desk if that was the only room available when I saw the handicapped sticker on the key. He said you specifically asked for that kind of room. No stairs to get to the room, handrails in the bathroom…”

  Connor’s grip on his shoulders loosened and the hand without the splint began rubbing back and forth over his collarbone.

  “You wouldn’t let me hide my leg that day, either. And the second time in the motel…up against the wall,” Connor said huskily. “You laced our fingers together.”

  Zane shuddered. It had been his desperate attempt to remain connected to Connor during the rough encounter. It wasn’t something he’d thought Connor would have noticed.

  “Our third time together was when you kissed me and you let me undress you. We were face to face that time. Do you remember?”