“It’s not what you think,” he said numbly as he stepped farther into the kitchen.
“I know that,” Connor responded. The answer had Zane doing a double-take. “I know that if you didn’t want to be with me, you’d tell me so and not fuck around behind my back. But I don’t want there to be secrets between us anymore.”
Zane nodded and reached for the card and handed it to Connor. “Open it.”
***
Connor hadn’t expected Zane to hand him the card so it took him a moment to register what Zane was saying. He hadn’t for a second believed the flowers to be from a current lover, though it had occurred to him that they could be from someone trying to get Zane back. The Concierge had also let it slip that the flowers had been coming like clockwork every month for the past eighteen months that Zane had lived here. Apparently this month was the first time they’d ever been late.
“It’s graphic,” Zane warned as Connor began opening the envelope. The comment had him hesitating. Who the hell sent roses and a graphic note? Maybe Zane had meant dirty?
Connor managed to pry what turned out not to be a note at all from the envelope. It was some type of photograph but when he pulled it out, the back was facing him. His whole body seized at the image that greeted his eyes when he flipped the picture over and he drew in a sharp breath.
The picture was of a man lying lifeless in a bathtub with his arms extended and floating just under the water. There were deep gashes up the insides of each arm and the water was a deep red color. There was a gleaming razor blade on the ground next to the tub while dozens and dozens of white rose petals floated along the top of the water.
“His name was Blake. He was my boyfriend.”
Nausea rolled through Connor’s stomach as he put the picture face down on the table. “When?”
“A couple of years ago. He was in his first year of law school at Columbia. I met him when a former professor invited me back as a guest lecturer. I’d gotten pretty successful in the years since I finished school and opened my own practice and he wanted me to share my experiences with the class.”
Zane was ramrod straight as he spoke and his voice sounded hollow. “I wasn’t interested in Blake at first. Mostly because of his age but also because he was kind of high strung. My only focus was building up my practice and making a name for myself and I didn’t want anything to get in the way of that. But he was persistent and pursued me. At first it was just physical but then we started doing the dating thing. I was working on a pretty big case at the time. You probably never heard of it since you would have still been overseas when it happened. My client’s name was Anthony Ferrera.”
“I remember seeing the headlines…he was on death row in Texas for killing his kids but then his conviction was overturned. That was you?”
Zane nodded. “I’d defended his brother on some drug charges early in my career. He begged me to go and meet with Ferrera in Texas to hear his story. I was skeptical but didn’t have much to lose since his brother paid for my trip and expenses. When I saw the evidence the prosecutor had used against him, I knew his lawyers had fucked up. But getting an innocent man out of prison and especially off death row is next to impossible. It took me almost three years to find the evidence that proved he didn’t do it.”
“He had an alibi, right?”
“Yeah, but he couldn’t prove it at his first trial. I was able to track down a surveillance tape that showed him at a gas station almost 300 miles away when the crime was committed. Cops finally figured out it was the ex-wife’s boyfriend after Ferrera’s conviction was overturned.”
Zane began rubbing his hands together. “Anyway, I started seeing Blake at about the same time I began preparing Ferrera’s formal appeal. The more time I spent on the case, the less time I spent with him. He accused me of caring more about my career than him. I tried breaking it off with him a couple times but he’d always beg me not to leave him. He said that he loved me so much that he couldn’t bear to be apart from me. My heart wasn’t really into the relationship so I just started ignoring his calls and texts. But the more I tried to pull back, the more desperate he became. He started threatening to hurt himself but as soon as I’d go to check on him, he’d brush the whole thing off and ask me to stay with him. After a while I stopped responding to everything, including the threats.”
Zane glanced at the roses. “He told me once they were his favorite so I had my assistant send him two dozen for his birthday since I had to work. He called me several times that night but I never listened to the messages or called him back. I found him in my bathtub when I got home. I hadn’t even realized he’d taken one of my spare keys.”
“Who sends these?” Connor asked as he looked at the beautiful flowers.
“His parents. Every month on the tenth. The day he died. The Coroner’s office took the picture as part of the investigation so I assume that’s where they got it from.”
“They blame you,” Connor managed to get out as the horror of what Zane had had to endure became clear.
“They should.”
Zane’s words jolted Connor from his thoughts. “What he did wasn’t your fault.”
Instead of answering him, Zane took out his phone and punched at the screen. As soon as a voice started speaking, Zane put the phone on the table.
“Zane, I need you so much. I did something…something stupid. I took some pills…I’m sorry.”
Connor could hear the sound of water and the person speaking began to cry. “I gave you everything, Zane. Why couldn’t you love me even just a little bit?”
The line cut out at that point and Connor looked up to see Zane leaning against the wall. “The Coroner found a month’s worth of sleeping pills in his stomach – they think he passed out within minutes of calling me but not before he cut himself with the razor blade. If I’d answered the call or even listened to the message in time-”
“There was no way you could have known,” Connor said as he stood up. He was glad he’d had the sense to put on his prosthesis because Zane immediately moved away from him when Connor reached for him. “Is this why you wanted it to only be about sex between us?”
Zane nodded and Connor shook his head in disbelief. “Did you think I was the type of person who would do what he did?”
“No,” Zane said quickly, firmly. “But I wasn’t sure you’d be able to keep your emotions out of it. I didn’t want to hurt you the way I hurt him,” Zane admitted as he glanced at the overturned picture.
“Is that why you picked Declan?”
Shame slipped across Zane’s features and he dropped his gaze to the floor. “He was so deep in the closet that I knew I wouldn’t have to worry about him wanting more than a physical relationship. I took advantage of that…used him. I guess we used each other.” Zane finally lifted his eyes and whispered, “I never kissed him, Connor. We never touched the way you and I touch.”
The reminder of Zane and Declan together burned like acid in Connor’s stomach but he believed what Zane was telling him.
“I love you, Zane,” Connor said as he looked at the flowers. “This” – he motioned to the picture on the table – “doesn’t change that. What you had with Declan doesn’t change that. Your work doesn’t change it. And you’re right, I couldn’t keep my emotions out of it.”
Connor’s chest hurt as he forced his next words out. “And if you want out, I’ll be okay-”
Zane’s mouth was slamming down on his before he could finish his sentence. He let out a ragged whimper as Zane walked him backwards until he slammed into the refrigerator.
“I don’t want out,” Zane ground out. “I love you so much, Connor.” Zane kissed him hard again before muttering, “Best day of my life was when you walked into my office and demanded Jagger’s bill. I knew even then that you were going to change everything for me.”
Connor was so overwhelmed by Zane’s words that he couldn’t do anything but wrap his arms around his neck and bury his face against his shoulder. Zane mus
t have sensed his internal struggle because he just held him against his chest and stroked his hands up and down Connor’s back. The touch served to both soothe and ignite him. He turned his head and sought out Zane’s lips. The kiss started off sweet and soft but quickly turned into a scorching, carnal duel of tongues. The hands that were at Connor’s back shifted to his ass to drag him against Zane’s cock. But even that wasn’t enough because Zane ripped his mouth free of Connor’s and sank to his knees. His pants and briefs didn’t even make it all the way to his ankles since Zane seemed too impatient to do anything but loosen them enough so he could get his mouth around Connor’s dick.
Connor grabbed Zane’s hair as Zane swallowed him down and then punched his hips forward. But it was clear that Zane wanted to be in control because hard fingers dug into Connor’s hips restricting any and all movement as Zane’s tongue and mouth tortured him with slow, delicious tugs and licks. Connor managed to look down to watch Zane work him over but when Zane looked up at him with his luminescent eyes, Connor lost it and came hard and fast. Every shot of release had Zane swallowing him deeper and by the time Connor’s body had given up every last drop, the only thing keeping him standing was Zane’s hands on his hips.
“Taste how sweet you are,” Zane murmured as he stood and slanted his mouth over Connor’s. The taste of his own release slipping across his tongue had Connor moaning. Never once in his life would he have thought he’d be so turned on by the taste of his own come but like everything else, if it was Zane doing it to him, he couldn’t get enough.
“Would you fuck me, Connor?” Zane whispered against his lips.
Connor stilled and pulled back enough so he could look Zane in the eyes. “What?”
“I need it so bad…to feel you deep inside me. To have you be a part of me.”
“Zane, I’ve never…” Connor stuttered.
“Me neither,” Zane murmured before he kissed Connor again. “I loved when you touched me in the motel our first time together. I couldn’t stop thinking about what it would be like to have your mouth on me, sucking me, dipping inside me.”
Connor’s dick hardened with every image that Zane’s words conjured up. Zane had done all those things to him in the past and he’d loved every second of it but being someone’s first was an entirely different matter. And the fact that he had absolutely no experience with bringing another man pleasure from such acts scared the shit out of him. But he wanted it…he wanted Zane to feel what he felt every time Zane joined their bodies together.
“If I hurt you-”
“You won’t,” Zane said firmly.
“But if I do-”
Zane cut him off with a kiss. “You won’t,” he said again.
Connor opened his hand when Zane reached for it and he automatically laced their fingers together as he followed Zane from the room. His nerves grew as they got closer to the bedroom and he didn’t miss the uptick in Zane’s breathing. They took their time undressing each other but Connor nearly lost it when Zane gently lowered him to sit on the bed and then reached for his prosthesis. Removing the artificial limb was something Connor easily could have done himself since his hands were healed but it was clearly something Zane wanted to do. And to Connor’s amazement, Zane seemed to know exactly what he was doing. But it was when the prosthesis was finally off that Connor nearly fell apart because Zane leaned down to lift Connor’s leg and began kissing the stump. The sensation was intense but the sight of Zane worshipping him was too much and he had to lay flat on the bed so he could try to regain control of his emotions. As the soft kisses continued up his leg, along his thigh and over the scar on his abdomen, Connor draped his forearm across his eyes in an effort to staunch the tears that threated.
“You okay?” Zane asked as his weight settled over Connor and gently moved Connor’s arm.
Connor managed a nod. “Love you so much,” he whispered though his voice sounded more like a croak than anything else.
“Show me.”
***
He was nervous, no doubt about it. Zane had absolutely no fear that Connor would hurt him. The thing that had him nearly choking on his anxiety was the possibility that he wouldn’t like what Connor did to him…that it would take him back to the few times his foster father had shown him how much he “loved” him. Zane shoved the memory away since it had no place between him and Connor and focused on the feel of Connor rolling him onto his back.
Telling Connor that he loved him had been so much easier than he ever would have guessed but he knew that was because Connor had removed the last barrier between them by not judging him for Blake’s death. As much as Zane would have liked to believe that what Connor had said about it not being his fault, the reality was that he’d been a selfish prick back then who had only cared about himself and his career. He’d had many opportunities to end the relationship with Blake long before it got as bad as it did but he’d enjoyed the convenience of having a warm body when he needed it. But he’d fatally misjudged how deep Blake’s feelings for him had been and it was something he’d never be able to forgive himself for. It was also the reason he had never declined delivery of the roses or thrown them out before they died. It was also the reason he opened the envelope every month and studied the picture of Blake lying lifeless in a sea of red and white. They were a good reminder that the few times the loneliness got to him didn’t mean he should jump into a relationship. Sex, yes. Affection, no.
But Connor had blown that theory straight to hell and he’d done it without even trying. He’d been himself from day one – sweet, sexy, vulnerable, strong, giving…incredibly giving. The trust though – that had been what had done Zane in. And it was something he was determined to prove he had for Connor.
“Come back to me, Zane,” Connor murmured against his lips and Zane realized he’d gotten lost in his thoughts.
“Sorry,” he whispered between the kisses Connor pressed against his mouth. “I’m nervous,” he finally admitted.
“Say the word and this ends. I don’t need this – what we have is more than I ever dreamed of.”
Zane reached up to run his fingers through Connor’s lush hair. “Make love to me, Connor.”
Connor held his gaze for a long time before he leaned down and covered Zane’s mouth with his own. Zane let Connor control the kiss and just focused on the sensation of Connor’s tongue worshipping every surface of his mouth. His whole body felt heavy, like he had sand running through his veins, and he just sank farther into the mattress as Connor kissed, licked and sucked him everywhere.
But his passivity ended when Connor licked over the crown of his cock.
“Fuck,” he hissed as he levered up on his elbows so he could watch Connor lick and kiss his way down his shaft. It was the best kind of torture – to see everything that was being done to him and feel it in every nerve ending.
Fingers began massaging his balls as Connor took him deeper and deeper into his mouth. It was all Zane could do not to ram his hips up until his slit hit the back of Connor’s throat. But the move wasn’t necessary because Connor did just that on his next down stroke and when he couldn’t take any more of Zane in, he swallowed. Zane moaned at the rush of pleasure the made his dick swell even more in Connor’s already stretched mouth but he actually sat up all the way when Connor hollowed out his cheeks and began sucking Zane hungrily. The insane pressure was too much but when Zane tried to bump his hips up, Connor released him and then shifted up to kiss Zane long and hard.
“I want to be inside you when you come,” Connor said just before he pushed Zane back down on the bed.
The nerves that had dissipated when Connor had first started exploring his body returned with a vengeance as Connor settled between Zane’s legs and lifted them. The position made him feel vulnerable but Connor took his time running his hands up and down Zane’s ass and through his crease. Cool air wafted over his hole when Connor finally split him open with his hands but it was fleeting because a second later he was surrounded in wet heat.
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“Connor!” he screamed as Connor began licking and sucking his hole. Zane hadn’t been prepared for the direct attack and he grabbed the bedding with his fists as wave after wave of pleasure consumed him. It wasn’t anything like the explosive release that happened when he shot his load. No, it was a rolling wave of heat that seared him from the inside out and kept building and crashing over him. He couldn’t feel anything else besides Connor’s mouth on his opening but he had enough energy to lift himself back up so he could watch Connor consume him. The sight was the most erotic thing he’d ever seen and it was only the memory of Connor telling him that he wanted to be inside him when Zane came that kept Zane from reaching for his dick.
The strain of holding the upright position was too much so he flopped back down on the bed and covered his eyes with his hands as he tried to focus on breathing through the ecstasy of having the man he loved rimming him so beautifully. But when Connor shoved his tongue into Zane’s body and began licking his inner walls, Zane shouted as his cock pulsed and jerked and his seed shot out of him and onto his chest. The orgasm had caught him completely off guard and he actually felt a surge of disappointment that he hadn’t been able to hold out for Connor. But his release didn’t seem to faze Connor in the least because Connor kept tonguing him through the aftershocks and then he made his way up Zane’s body and licked up every drop of semen he could find.
“It was too good,” Zane murmured wearily as Connor settled over him.
“Don’t worry, I’m just getting warmed up,” Connor said with a smile before he kissed Zane. And then he started all over again with his worship of Zane’s body and within in a matter of minutes, Zane could feel his body responding. By the time Connor had dug out the lube from the nightstand, Zane’s dick was pulsing with need.
“Do you want me to use a condom?” Connor asked as he leaned over Zane and began running his fingers through Zane’s hair.
Zane shook his head. They hadn’t used condoms at all since the night Connor had told Zane he loved him but the fact that Connor would even ask made Zane’s heart expand. Putting his needs first – it was what Connor always did.
Freeing Zane (Barretti Security Series, Book 4) Page 17
