Earthman Jack vs. The Ghost Planet

by Matthew Kadish

  “No, nitwit,” replied the robot. “Obviously you are unfamiliar with the herd mentality of base life-forms into which these zombies have appeared to devolve.”

  “And I’m sure yer gonna enlighten me,” said Scallywag, rolling his eyes.

  “We’ve seen the aggression small groups of these zombies have,” said Heckubus. “It is because something attracts one of them. But if they were truly mindless, why would they form groups? It’s obvious that in their stupor, they’ve become a herd, much like farm animals you organics are so fond of keeping around for food. When one acts, it will attract another to perform the same action, which will in turn attract another, and so on, and so on…”

  “So what?” sighed Scallywag. “What are they gonna do from all the way down there?”

  “Climb, you fool,” said Heckubus, exasperated. “Their aggression will spur them to pursue us. And if one does it, another will do it. And another, and another…”

  “Until we’ve got 600,000 zombies on our tail,” grimaced Ganix.

  “Exactly,” said Heckubus. “Any rock that falls, any noise that might attract their attention, and any bodies that happen to land on them could spur a full-on zombie stampede right up the cave wall.”

  Zombie stampede, Jack thought. In any other circumstance, that would have sounded awesome.

  “So if the zombies figure out we’re up here, they’ll come get us,” grumbled Rodham. “Just when I thought my day couldn’t get any better.”

  “Enough,” said Ganix. “We get the men, we get to climbing, and we make sure no one attracts their attention.”

  “And if we do?” asked Heckubus.

  “We die advancing,” said Scallywag. “Am I right, Major?”

  Ganix looked at Scallywag and smiled. “That’s the idea,” he responded.

  “Famous last words,” muttered Faruuz. “How inspiring. Anyone wanna tell me how I’m supposed ta climb with me arm all bloody tore up?”

  “Carefully?” chirped Jack.

  “Shut it, you,” snapped Faruuz.

  “I’ll help you, ya bloody browner,” said Scallywag. “Just stay close and try not to whine like a sodding female, savvy?”

  The group worked its way back down to the rest of the convoy, which was eagerly awaiting news. After Ganix explained the situation, though, the group was understandably far less excited than they had been before.

  In preparation for the impending climb, the group shed any non-essentials they had with them in an effort to lighten the load each man had to carry. In the end, the only thing most opted to take were their weapons and whatever ammunition they had left. Even the little food and water they had was left behind, only further enforcing the notion that now, it was all-or-nothing for the group. Either they got out, or they died trying.

  Everyone was paired up with a climbing partner to ensure some measure of safety. Ganix and Rodham would go first, with Grohm being the last one to make the trek up the cave wall. The Rognok was so big, nobody wanted to be beneath him if he were to fall during the ascent.

  Jack found himself paired up with Yeoman Porter. One by one, the group shimmied up the steep hill and onto the narrow ledge that wound around the wall. Once under the recess, the teams began climbing.

  Luckily, the cave wall wasn’t completely vertical. It had a slight tilt to it, and the uneven surface marked with various outcroppings and holes, furnished more than enough things to grab onto for climbing freehand.

  Each group waited to start climbing until the group before it had a head start of at least ten feet. Ganix and Rodham must have been almost halfway up the wall by the time Jack’s turn was nearing

  Scallywag and Faruuz reached the staging point for the climb. Scallywag took out a bundle of leather straps he had tied together and began looping it around Faruuz’s waist.

  “Wha’s this now?” asked Faruuz.

  “A harness, ya git,” responded Scallywag. “Made from what’s left of me favorite bloody vest. It’s only about 8 feet long, so don’t stray too far.”

  “Looks more like a flimsy bunch o’ leather tied together to me,” muttered Faruuz.

  “Whatever, it’ll keep ya from falling to yer death.”

  “More likely it’ll just take ya with me if I fall.”

  “Then don’t fall,” snarked Scallywag.

  “Why ya doin’ this?” asked Faruuz. “Why ya stickin’ yer neck out for me?”

  “Told ya, I was here to make amends,” replied Scallywag.

  Faruuz’s eyes narrowed. “Since when did ya ever give two toots ‘bout anyone but yerself, Scally?”

  Scallywag looked Faruuz in the eyes sternly. “Ya want the soddin’ safety strap or not?”

  After a moment, Faruuz grabbed the leather strap and tightened it around his waist. Scallywag nodded.

  “Make sure ya have two good footholds before climbing,” Scallywag said. “Use yer bad arm to steady yourself and yer good arm to find a new handhold before pulling yourself up. If ya get in trouble, let me know, and I’ll help ya out.”

  Faruuz grunted in acknowledgement. As the two outlaws started their climb, Jack and Porter edged closer to the staging area. Two soldiers by the name of Kael and Rickoman were up next. As Jack waited, he peered over the edge of their walkway down to the sea of zombies swaying below them. The way the zombies moved made Jack feel dizzy, until Porter grabbed onto him.

  “Don’t look down,” whispered Porter.

  “It’s cool,” said Jack. “I’m not afraid of heights.”

  “Doesn’t matter,” replied Porter. “If you focus on the zombies down there, their movement might give you motion sickness. That could cause vertigo.”

  Jack raised an eyebrow, questioningly.

  “Vertigo?” repeated Porter. “You know, it’s that feeling you get like you’re falling, even though you’re standing still? If you get that while you’re climbing, it would be bad news.”

  “Gotcha,” Jack replied. “No looking down.”

  Before long, it was Jack’s turn to start climbing. By the time Jack and Porter had made it a third of the way up the wall, Jack was already sweating and his shoulders were beginning to ache. The convoy seemed to be moving up the wall with relative ease, with Ganix and Rodham already a few feet from the top. Some climbers were going a bit slower than others, but they all kept their forward movement.

  However, the longer Jack had to climb, the harder it seemed to become. Most of the work relied on his upper body and often Jack found himself hanging by his handholds while his feet looked for someplace to brace against. Overall, Jack found the experience more than a little taxing, and it was only getting harder the higher he went. He couldn’t imagine what some of the others were experiencing if he were having this much trouble himself.

  About midway up the wall, Jack glanced down. There were three more groups beneath him, counting Grohm, who didn’t have a climbing partner. Jack was worried the massive Rognok might have a hard time finding holds that were big enough for him to use, but Grohm seemed to be having no trouble at all. In fact, it looked like he was spending his time waiting for the others to get far enough ahead so he could make his next move up the wall.

  A little too late, he remembered Porter’s warning about not looking down. His eyes moved past Grohm and to the sea of zombies below. Jack closed his eyes and looked away quickly. The last thing he wanted was to start feeling dizzy.

  Then, Jack felt tiny pebbles hit his face. He opened his eyes and looked up. A few feet above him, he saw Faruuz reaching for a new handhold, but the rock supporting his right foot appeared to be crumbling.

  Instantly, Jack’s heart began to race, and the aching in his arms gave way to a surge of apprehension. If that rock gave way, Faruuz would fall.

  “Faruuz!” Jack whispered as loudly as he could. “Your foot! Look out!”

  Porter obviously heard Jack, as did Kael, the sandy-haired soldier between Jack and Faruuz. Kael looked up and immediately saw the same thing that had caught Jack’s attenti
on.

  Faruuz, however, did not hear him. He was concentrating on reaching the next handhold with his good arm, his face drawn with fatigue and a little bit of pain.

  “Faruuz!” whispered Kael as loudly as he could. “Your foothold is crumbing!”

  That caught Faruuz’s attention, though a tad late as no sooner did the alien look down at Kael in acknowledgement than the rock he’d been putting his weight on gave way and snapped off.

  Faruuz fell, his bad arm unable to brace him. He went into free fall, kicking into Kael beneath him as he did so.

  The leather strap around Faruuz’s waist tightened. Scallywag cried out as the full weight of Faruuz constricted around his waist, and he held onto his handholds for dear life.

  The impact with Faruuz had knocked Kael from his climb and the soldier fell into Jack below him. The collision caused Jack to lose his grip, and before he knew it, he was falling into space along with the unlucky soldier.

  Kael screamed, waving his arms desperately, as though there were something in the air he could grab onto to keep him from falling. Jack screamed, too. The icy fingers of fear snaked through his chest as he realized he was plunging to his death, and there was nothing he could do about it.

  Suddenly, Jack felt something tighten around his ankle, and instead of continuing to fall, he gracelessly stopped in mid-air, slamming into the cliff wall and knocking the wind out of himself. As he dangled there upside down, he watched in horror as Kael continued to fall, screaming, into the mass of zombies below.

  The impact of the soldier sent a ripple through the zombie hoard around him, and Jack watched as those around the impact site looked up. At once loud groans and cries echoed forth as the creatures began to claw at the wall.

  Heckubus’s warning rumbled through Jack’s brain as he watched a chain reaction of zombies turning their attention to their brethren and surging for the cave wall, climbing over top of one another and trampling any in their way as a massive wave of decaying, rotting, mindless flesh began its surge up toward their position.

  Oh, crap… thought Jack.

  Jack looked up and saw Grohm’s massive hand wrapped around his ankle. The Rognok had grabbed him out of thin air and held onto him without falling himself. High above, Jack could see Faruuz regaining his hold on the wall, much to Scallywag’s relief.

  An alarm sounded among the soldiers who saw the zombie wave now making its way up the cave wall, and immediately the entire group began to climb with a newfound urgency. Feeling more than a little exposed since he was now literally the one dangling closest to a rising tidal wave of zombies, Jack looked at Grohm.

  “Dude!” squeaked Jack. “Don’t just sit there! Get me out of here!!!”

  Grohm’s eyes narrowed. “Hang on, Earthman.”

  Grohm began to swing Jack back and forth. Jack could do nothing but dangle helplessly in the Rognok’s grasp. “Wait a minute,” said Jack. “What are you–”

  Then, with a massive heave, Grohm FLUNG Jack up into the air. Jack went soaring straight up the cave wall, summersaulting in the air helplessly and screaming all the way as he sped by his fellow climbers, eventually even surpassing Ganix and Rodham.

  Finally, Jack’s momentum stopped and he hung in the air for a split second of weightlessness before crashing a few feet to the ground of the recess high above. Jack’s palms burned from breaking his fall, and the cold hard rock that smacked his face, chest, and knees hurt like nobody’s business. His head spun, and he gathered himself together in time to see Ganix and Rodham peek over the edge of the cliff.

  “Scream a little louder, why don’t ya?” grumbled Rodham. “I don’t think the zombies at the other end of the Pit heard you.”

  Jack sat up. “I got thrown,” he said. “An alien just hurled me up a cave wall.”

  “What do you want, a medal?” growled the Sergeant as he rolled over the edge.

  Ganix got to his feet and looked down. In the distance he could see the mass of zombies surging toward their position, and the group of mindless attackers directly below them were already making their way up the wall.

  “Blast it,” the Major muttered. “Everyone! Double-time!” he shouted. “We have incoming!”

  Jack peered over the edge and saw the convoy pick up their pace as they climbed. Heckubus was unceremoniously scurrying up the side of the wall, not hesitating to use some of the Regal soldiers as stepping-stones as he did so.

  “Foolish nitwits!” cried the robot. “What part of ‘herd mentality’ did you fail to grasp???”

  “How many grenades do you have?” Ganix asked Rodham.

  “Got three on me,” the Sergeant replied.

  “I’m carrying four,” the Major responded. “Be ready to use them.”

  “Aye-aye, sir,” responded Rodham as he helped up the next group of climbers. Once they were safely on the cliff, Ganix ordered them to the edges of the recess and told them to blast away at any zombies that got too close.

  Jack peered down and saw that some zombies were further ahead at climbing than others, particularly the praying mantis type aliens, which seemed to be able to scurry up the walls with ease, and were gaining on Grohm’s position.

  “Grohm!” yelled Jack. “Behind you!”

  The Rognok looked down and saw the six-legged aliens bearing down on him. He unslung his massive club, which was strapped across his back, and swung it in time to catch one of the aliens as it leapt for him, sending it flying away.

  Two more jumped for Grohm. One was met with a powerful downward swing that almost folded it in two with its impact. The other managed to land on the Rognok, pinning itself over him.

  Grohm released his hold on his club, allowing it to slide down his arm on the looped leather strap he had tied to its handle. With his free hand, he grabbed the zombie alien’s head and slammed it into the cave wall, causing it to explode like a ripe melon.

  Topside, Ganix and others started blasting away at the encroaching zombies as Rodham and others tried to help their convoy over the last leg of their journey.

  “They’re gaining,” cursed Ganix as he watched the wave of zombies grow. By this point, so many were working their way up the wall that most were just climbing over the other zombies who had climbed up before them, not even having to touch the rock face. “Our men toward the bottom aren’t going to make it.”

  “What do we do, Major?” asked Rodham.

  Ganix took out his thermal grenades. “We gotta buy them time,” he said. Ganix looked at Jack beside him and handed him one. “Know how to use one of these?”

  Jack shook his head.

  “Hit the top button to arm it. That’ll give you fifteen seconds before it explodes.” Ganix pointed to the top of the canister-shaped grenade, where he flipped open a cap that exposed a small red button. “But if you twist here…” he said as he twisted the cap and pulled out a rod from the core of the grenade, “you can remove the activator and it turns into a remote, which means the grenade won’t explode until you hit the button, up to a thousand yards away.”

  Ganix put the thermal remote in Jack’s hand and the grenade in the other.

  “Don’t detonate it until it’s past our men,” Ganix said, pulling a remote from another grenade himself. Jack nodded. Ganix glanced at Rodham, who already had one of his thermals ready to go.

  “Toss ‘em!” ordered Ganix.

  The three dropped the canisters at the same time.

  “GRENADE!” the Major yelled to those still climbing. Jack watched as the canisters went sailing by their convoy, disappearing into the mess of zombies below.

  “Now!” barked Ganix. Jack and the two soldiers hit the buttons on their remotes, triggering three large explosions with bright orange flames snaking out in all directions, sending burning zombies flying into the air.

  For a brief instant the crest of the zombie wave seemed to collapse in on itself, but it wasn’t long before more zombies surged forth, their bile-covered mouths screaming and moaning.

  “Kee
p firing!” ordered Ganix as his men tried to hold the zombies at bay.

  Down below, Grohm slung his club across his back once again and grabbed onto the rock wall with both hands. With a powerful tug, he flung himself into the air, up toward the next group of climbers. He punched into the rock face, the force of his massive hands creating new handholds as the rock gave way to the Rognok’s fists.

  The startled climbers shied away from the sudden appearance of Grohm, right before the Rognok reached out and grabbed one of them by the back of his shirt. Before the soldier had a chance to protest, Grohm flung him upward, sending the soldier sailing toward the cliff’s recess, screaming all the way.

  “Incoming!” yelled Ganix.

  As the soldier flew toward the cliff’s edge, Rodham and the others reached out and grabbed him, pulling him in to safety. Jack looked down as Grohm did the same thing to the soldier’s partner, before flinging himself further up the cliff face.

  “Are all Rognok’s that awesome?” Jack asked no one in particular.

  Grohm kept making his way up the cave wall, grabbing the climbers toward the bottom and throwing them up to safety. But as quickly as the Rognok was moving, the zombies were still gaining.

  “Grenade,” ordered Ganix.

  Rodham dropped one of his thermal grenades into the zombies below. Another explosion slowed them down again, but not for long. Each explosion seemed to only make the surviving zombies more aggressive.

  Finally, Scallywag and Faruuz reached the cliff’s edge. Jack and Rodham helped them up. Faruuz’s eyes were watery, and his injured arm appeared to be bleeding again. The two aliens collapsed on the ground as soon as they were safely on it. Scallywag moaned as he untied the leather strap around his waist.

  “Not one of me better ideas,” the pirate grumbled, nursing his midsection.

  “Are you okay?” Jack asked.

  “Get away from me,” snapped Faruuz.

  “Hey, you don’t need to be such a jerk-wad, dude,” rebuked Jack.

  “Slag off,” sneered Faruuz. “I almost died!”

  “Yeah, so did I!” responded Jack. “That Kael guy actually did die! Or don’t you remember kicking him in the face as you fell?”