Confessions of a Backup Dancer

by Tucker Shaw

  Other: she acts like it’s my fault that I came late to the tour. sometimes she gives me this LOOK that makes me feel like apologizing for being BORN! it’s the kind of look that makes you wish you could vanish into thin air like in a star trek movie or whatever. but then she usually says something like, “thanks for all your effort” or something totally vice principally like that. know what I mean? so you’re never exactly quite sure what she means because she never seems to mean what she says. bizad vizibes. I don’t know. I’m just gonna stay away from her as much as I can.

  Name: Eileen Wang

  Age: 32, but thinks she’s old. I heard her ordering some anti-aging products over the phone.

  General Info: darcy’s tour manager. she seems constantly in the middle of a crisis. and she talks wicked wicked wicked superfast. she’s from san Francisco and speaks in mandarin on the phone to her parents.

  Sign: Cancer. she has a crab tattoo on her ankle.

  Hair: spiky, pink tips. big square glasses.

  Personal Style: I think she’s been wearing the same jeans since I met her.

  Body Type: boyish. in fact, she turns me on. ha ha ha just kidding.

  Why We Care: she DISCOVERED me!! ha ha. :-) and to be honest, I kind of like her. she seems like a regular person, like me.

  Other: she spends 99% of her time on the cell phone, usually whispering or panicking. She’s always saying stuff like “SHE’S coming!” or “what will SHE think?” SHE, meaning darla, and she (Eileen) seems really scared of her (Darla).

  Name: Rashid

  Age : 25

  General Info: he’s the director of the show and he’s choreographing the whole thing. he’s really focused. and really smart. and he’s the only person who ever says anything back to darla. yesterday he disagreed with her about a sequence and he even got his way. she gave him the LOOK and he rolled his eyes. it was too good.

  Sign: Sagittarius.

  Hair: braids. halfway down his back.

  Personal Style: ALWAYS in sunglasses. ALWAYS. (does that mean he’s stoned all the time too?)

  Body Type: tall, lean, looks incredibly strong, must be a classic ballet dancer or something. posture that almost looks like he’s kidding. gorgeous dark skin.

  Why We Care: I need all the help I can get. and I gotta say, he’s pretty hot. in fact, he’s maybe the best eye candy around.

  Other: he actually said something nice to me. Unlike anyone else on the tour. He thinks i’m good. he said I’ve got “it.” we were talking about dancing and I told him about what it’s like when I dance and I go THERE and he knew exactly what I was talking about. Although now I have to wonder whether or not he’s just saying that cause I’m paying him. sigh. whoever said backup dancers live large obviously never got a backup dancer paycheck. I guess it’s a good thing I’ve already had about 350 years of dance training … I speak that language, so I’m a quick study. that should cut down on my Rashid bill.

  Names: D-Run, Armand, Bart, Li’l D, Jesus, Angeline, the two Tinas, and Waverly.

  Ages: 20-30 or so or something

  General Info: they’re the other backup dancers. they’re pretty tight. they’re not going out of their way to hang with me or whatever, but they’re being pretty patient with me while I play catch-up. I can tell they’re watching me tho. trying to figure me out. not that there’s anything to figure. I think they’re weirded out by the fact that i’m 17. Armand and Jesus are crazy gossips. I think all the guys are gay except for Li’l D, who I think has something going on with one of the Tinas. She sat in his lap all through lunch today, and let’s just say that after she got off and Li’l D stood up and readjusted his sweatpants, it was pretty clear that there’s nothing Li’l about Li’l D.

  Signs: i’11 keep you posted.

  Hair: around 30-35% real.

  Personal Styles: from fringe to frayed jeans to sweats to whatever. Everyone’s attached to their iPods. they all have tour jackets like “Nelly 2000” and “Christina: Stripped” and stuff. No one has a Pashmina jacket. I bet Darla banned them.

  Body Types: tight, and obsessed with it. these people are constantly stretching, posing, workin’ it. I overheard Angeline and Waverly talking about their pilates class and how much it strengthened their core and how much it helped their posture and all that. I should try it cause my posture sucks.

  Why We Care: duh they’re my backup dancers. ha ha ha!! just kidding. I need to kiss their asses big time. If they don’t like me, they could drop me onstage. talk about massive humiliation. Others: it’s a tough clique to break into. but i’m just tryin’ to stay cool. they’re really good to, uh, eavesdrop on. yesterday they were talking about how Christina Aguilera supposedly has like over 10 piercings. I was like WOW. picture THAT. I mean, WHERE do you put 10 piercings? yikes.

  Name: Jesse Nixon

  Age: 19

  General Info: finally, a superhot VJ. they really got it right this time … he’s totally cute and totally knows about music. or at least, he’s totally good at reading cue cards. anyway I have the kind of crush on him that makes me feel all giddy like a 9-year-old. Swoon.

  Sign: isn’t he a leo?

  Hair: getting pouffier by the moment. this is a clear and present problem

  Personal Style: you know as well as I do

  Body Type: little did I know what secrets he held until last year’s Spring Fever where he was broadcasting from a swimming pool and he lifted his shirt up. can you spell abs?

  Why We Care: I haven’t laid eyes on him in person yet but everyone around here talks about him all the time. Especially Darla. I don’t know if he’s even in LA but it’s like every time I turn around people are talking about him like he just left the room. and darcy is constantly talking about him—like what he was wearing on tv or what he said in some online chat or asking if he’s called. Maybe they’re dating, and maybe they’re just friends. I really can’t tell. Like I said, I haven’t even seen him in the flesh yet. Sigh, flesh.

  Other: now that I think about it, there’s no way they can be dating. she’s a virgin, and he’s too hot to wait around for her. that is, if she’s really a virgin.

  FRIDAY JUNE 7

  D-ZONE, JUST WAKING UP

  Mood: confused. when I woke up this morning I thought I was in my bed at home.

  Outfit: piggly wiggly pjs

  Fortune: Believe the hype.

  To: kaykay4real

  From: Tito_T

  Date: Friday June 7

  Time: 8:14 AM

  Subject : Re : The It’s Darcy ! ! players Thanks for the rundown. Sounds like quite a crew. No one you can’t deal with. No, we don’t know any virgins. Including Darcy Barnes. I don’t care if she has a trillion Beanie Babies. And another clue to catch: She’s definitely dating Jesse Nixon. I can tell! Just today there was a gossip item online about how they were together at a Dodgers game and his hand was on her knee the whole time. Is it true?

  Stay away from Rashid. Sounds like someone’s got a crush. I can tell that one’s gonna be trouble.

  PS-Have you seen Darcy’s website? Google her and see for yourself.

  Tito

  I knew about Darcy’s site. It’s this pink and baby blue website where Darla keeps a diary about Darcy. crazy, huh? what she does, where she goes, supposedly like some kind of “behind the scenes” about what really happens backstage. god if I’m ever famous I hope my mother doesn’t act like an idiot.

  May 30, 2003

  Darcy’s such a neat freak! She always has been. I think she gets it from me! I know I never have to worry about her keeping her room clean and her clothes ironed. And speaking of her clothes, people say she dresses sexy, but I think she just looks beautiful. My baby just takes my breath away! !

  I was like yeah right. She has a staff who does her ironing. Then I read this one.

  June 1, 2003

  Darcy just informed me today that she has a HUGE crush on one of her backup dancers. I can’t tell you which one because I don’t want it to get out, bu
t … she’s been hinting that she wants to ask him out! I said he’s just too old for her, but if I know Darcy, she’ll find a way to sneak in a date behind my back! That girl! I just hope the press doesn’t get ahold of this info! ;-)

  The important thing is that I know I can trust her to make truly adult decisions no matter what. She’ll never go too far with a boy, and she’ll never let a boy get in the way of her career. Besides if she messes up she knows she’ll have to deal with her mama! !

  What? Darcy’s hot for a dancer? I wonder if it’s rashid she’s after? oh, great. damn! no way! there goes my master plan to ensnare his heart and begin a lifetime together making music and children. and swimming laps in our pool. ok wait, maybe tito’s right. maybe she IS dating jesse and this is just a big hoax. maybe darla’s just saying this.

  Ugh. does this mean I have to cancel my crush?

  FRIDAY JUNE 7

  D-ZONE, 11 PM

  Outfit: Rashid lent me his Etnies hoodie. it’s HUGE.

  Hair: sweaty.

  Mood: Alone at last. I finally feel like an official member of this tour. I think it feels pretty good but I’m not 100% sure.

  “So, how does it feel to be my new best friend?”

  Darcy Barnes said that to me last night. I know, weird, huh? ok lemme back up.

  I have spent the last 24 hours straight with darcy barnes. nonstop. she needs Ritalin.

  I saw a different side of her. or more like a few different sides of her. I mean, she doesn’t really seem like what you think darcy barnes would be like. not like her pictures and videos and interviews and stuff. I mean, I knew she wasn’t going to be exactly like that or anything, but … I don’t know … I guess I just expected someone cooler. someone edgier. someone a little bit hipper than me. don’t get me wrong, she’s nice and everything, but there’s something weird about her … it’s like she just hasn’t really gotten that far around the block. she goes from acting like a grownup to acting like a little kid without any kind of notice. like one minute she’s arguing with Eileen about who her “demographic” is like a total Man in Black, and the next minute she’s on the phone to darla, all “mom can you come to brush my hair the way I like it?” like she’s 7. it’s weird. but I’ll admit she’s kind of charming. so far.

  but I guess she doesn’t really have any friends her own age or anything so I guess it’s normal to be weird. (how funny: “Normal to be Weird” … that should be the name of her biographical tv movie of the week.) anyway, she has no friends, so maybe that’s why she’s been totally glommed onto me for the last day and night. or maybe it’s just because jesse (her “friend”/boyfriend, still not sure) isn’t around. or maybe she does this to everyone she meets. well whatever. even if I’m suspicious about it I’ve been having a good time hanging out with her. we actually get along!

  ok wait I said I was gonna back up didn’t I. ok. yeah. after basically hardly seeing her since getting here (except from behind, in rehearsals), darcy dove headfirst into my personal space last night and only now just left.

  she came to my room at like midnight. I was in bed with the lights out. she didn’t even knock, she just came right on in, threw on the lights (all of them. which, if I can just say so, is way, way too many), and bounced over into my bed. not just onto my bed, but actually into it. like she bounced up and slid under the covers in one smooth move. I was kinda like um, after age 12, you’re not allowed to just get in bed with me unless you really know me. but I didn’t say it out loud. I’m just glad I was wearing my pj bottoms.

  anyway she was waving this random newsletter thing, Pop Star Tour Report Weekly or something, which I’d never heard of before. she goes “K.K.! Check it out! You’re famous!” and sure enough, there I was.

  MOVERS AND SHAKERS

  Hollywood Hustle Wire Service, Los Angeles-The It’s Darcy!! tour announced today that K.K. Kimball will replace Shania Johnson in the Darcy Barnes “It’s Darcy!!” lineup. Eileen Wang, tour manager, explained how she found this newcomer, rumored to also be in the running for the coveted “lead dancer” spot: “We wanted a fresh face, someone with no dance experience whatsoever. We found her in a San Diego teen nightclub. Even though she’s never had a dance lesson, her raw talent and energy are a great addition to the company.” Darcy Barnes commented, “It’s great! Me and K.K. are totally like best friends now! We do everything together!”

  that’s where the “how’s it feel to be my new best friend” part comes in.

  I didn’t answer. I didn’t know what to say. I mean I don’t feel like her best friend. how could we be best friends? we’d barely met!

  but when someone tells you that you’re their best friend, you can’t say sorry, nice try, but you’re not. Especially when it’s your EMPLOYER … not to mention the biggest pop star in the universe! I looked around to see if there were cameras on us, like this was Punk’d or something … but I realized she was kind of serious. I mean like I said, it’s not like she has any friends her own age.

  besides, maybe to her a “best friend” is just another person on the payroll. like, manager, agent, publicist, stylist, best friend … hey, I’m not going to argue, this could be fun. let’s just be clear that it’s K.K. who’s the best friend. not Kelly. Kelly’s best friend is and always will be the one and only, the lovely, the fabulous, the sorely-missed-especially-right-nowTito.

  At that point it kind of sank in that they’d made up this whole story about me not having any dance training, which got under my skin, big time, because as previously stated I’ve had 350 years of training. but I didn’t really have a chance to dwell on it too much. so i just squealed and hugged her. you know, kind of like how people greet each other at the airport. for some reason it just seemed like the thing to do at the time. it was K.K.’s squeal, not Kelly’s. darcy was like so what should we do first, best friend? now that we do everything together?

  I was like I don’t know. and then she goes, “is there anything good on tv?” and grabs my remote and starts flipping around. she picks up the phone and goes, “waiter? WALTER? can you bring us some corn nuts and diet dr. pepper? CORN NUTS!! no, not barbecue, plain, the big bag. yeah. also some chicken. do you have any fried chicken? you do? I knew it. you rule. ok, I’m in shania’s old room. no, shania’s not here anymore. the new girl is K.K. yeah K.K. she’s my best friend now, didn’t you hear? her name is K.K. … K.K.! ok. bye.” I was thinking, Corn nuts? Gross, then I noticed my stomach growling and realized they actually sounded delicious. I mean Darla’s little diet is making me crazy for food. any food.

  anyway then Darcy looks at me and goes, “it’s cool if I hang out in here tonight, right? I’m so bored with my room and I haven’t talked to Jess—” she cut herself off before she finished the thought, which was a little frustrating. I mean if I’m going to be her best friend, shouldn’t I know whether she and jesse are “just friends” or more?

  then she started flipping the channels again. MW was doing a special on her. “Oh Lordy, they’re using that footage from when I was Female Hottie of the Millennium at the Teenz Rule Awards! Ew! do you think my hair looks better than Jessica Simpson’s? Do you think she ever wears a wig? Do you think I should?” then she started flipping again and didn’t stop until she hit The Wizard of Oz, which was on some random family cinema cable channel. it was that first scene in munchkinland and she’s bursting into “We REPRESENT the Lollipop Guild! The Lollipop Guild!” and she’s like don’t you LOVE the munchkins?

  my inner kelly wanted to be like, no, actually, they scare me and I had nightmares about ’em when I was a child. oh and also I was asleep before you came in here. but K.K. was like yeah they’re so cute! I even squealed a little.

  she goes “That’s where I got the inspiration for ’Love You Like a Lollipop!’” I was just thinking something tells me that connection is probably lost on most people when they hear your song, but ok!

  then I was like wait. can this be? can the biggest pop star in the world, the Female Hottie of the Millennium
, role model to girls everywhere, wet dream to boys everywhere … can darcy barnes really be this boring and dopey? where’s the booze? where are the boys gone wild? where’s the girl I know so well from “celebrities uncensored” not to mention “behind the music”? where are the true Hollywood story moments already?

  a minute later a commercial came on and I just blurted, hey, about this clipping. how come Eileen made me seem like such an untrained dancer? I took like 350 years of lessons, I mean 12 years, I mean I don’t care but it’s a little strange. Darcy didn’t know what I was talking about so I read the clipping out to her. I was like Eileen knows what my real story is. how come she made this one up?

  “Oh, that,” said Darcy. “We just thought it would be a good angle. everyone has a story, you know? I mean, it’s not that big of deal, it’s not like anyone’s really going to check up on you or anything. I mean, it’s better for everyone if we figure out what story we want and sort of stick you into it. so we had this big meeting last night about you and eileen said that this story makes you seem more real than your other story.” Funny that she called my real story my “other story.” she finished up with “believe me this is better for your career, too.”

  I was pretty weirded out that there was a roomful of people making up my background without my even knowing about the meeting so I kind of just clamped my mouth shut. maybe she’s right. it feels weird but what do I know. she HAS been in the business for, like, half her life. besides, it’s not like I’m going to quit right now. this is too good of a gig. I hope she’s right. I hope no one I know sees it.