Confessions of a Backup Dancer

by Tucker Shaw

  I mumbled about how I had some money put aside for evan, about how this summer I’d saved almost $4,000 for his tuition.

  evan wandered off right then. tito goes, “wow that’s a lot.”

  mom said no, you keep that. that won’t help. then she said that was about $12,000 short for the year. she said the twelve-thousand-dollars part really slow. it was like she was announcing it to an audience or something. That won’t help, she said. she started to sniffle.

  I was seething. not only could she not make it to my show to see me dance, she can’t even appreciate what I’m doing for evan. I wasn’t sure if I was more mad at myself or at her.

  mom, you know what? thanks for missing my show. I’ll let you know when I’m back in town. tito, evan, later. I turned and walked out. forget this, I thought.

  on my way out the door I walked past Pashmina’s dressing room. the door was ajar, and I could see her there, alone, staring into the mirror and pulling off her fake eyelashes. she looked even lonelier than I was. she looked at me in the mirror, then looked back at herself. I left.

  I went back to the hotel by myself. there I had the most beautiful view of the san diego harbor. this was my hometown, and I was atop it. all by myself.

  so this is what success feels like, I thought.

  there’s someone at the door, hold on.

  SUNDAY AUGUST 4

  GRAND HOTEL

  SAN DIEGO, 11:55 PM

  That was Pashmina at the door.

  Her hair was tied back in a ponytail, she had no makeup at all on, and she was wearing nothing but one of the hotel’s brown terry robes. it swallowed her up. I was amazed at how different she looked out of costume, she was small, with big eyes, she looked like ET. (but a lot prettier, if she’s reading this.) anyway she goes, “hi” and her voice was really really soft, kinda shaky and nervous.

  I go, Hi.

  she goes, Listen I don’t want to make a big deal out of this but I overheard you and your mom talking in the dancers’ dressing room earlier and I just want you to know I know what you’re going through and she hands me an envelope. “I know what it’s like when your family is all crazy like that. this is for your brother. don’t thank me, and do me a favor and let’s not talk about this again.

  and she left. she was there only like 30 seconds and never really looked me in the eyes the whole time. she came and went so fast I wasn’t sure she had actually been there. I didn’t know what just happened.

  then I remembered the envelope in my hand. I opened it up and found two checks … one from “Pashmina with Love, Inc.” for $10,000 and one from her personal checking account for $2,000. $12,000 altogether.

  I was pretty stunned. but all I could think about was how mean I was to my mom tonight.

  FRIDAY AUGUST 23

  ON THE BUS

  JUST LEFT MIDLAND, TX, 11 PM

  Outfit: Don’t laugh … cowboy hat. what can I say I look pretty good in it.

  Hair: ok, ok, I have braids in too. I know, I know.

  Mood: Oddly relaxed.

  I haven’t written much, haven’t had time. we’ve done 6 shows a week, and my days off I was in a coma. was I just in San Diego?

  but we’re in the home stretch.

  I haven’t spoken to mom, but I managed to get tito on the phone for a couple of minutes on Tuesday night I think it was. he said he’d seen my mom a few times since I was in san diego and that she’s doing ok. I was like tito you’re the best. and he is.

  I told him about the money. he was amazed. I told him not to tell anyone but I bet he’ll tell my mom.

  this tour is way different than darcy’s. people keep their heads down here. I was the only one who cracked up when we were watching TV on the bus and there was this shot of Pashmina saying “I’d love to go to the Monte Carlo Music Awards. Where are they being held this year?” everyone was like too scared to giggle or anything. it was weird. you would have thought people could find some comedy there.

  also with darcy I never had to, like, wait for the bathroom on the bus or anything … I was riding with darcy. this time I’m with seven other dancers and four band guys (the rest of the band has another bus. yep, she travels with a full band …) so it’s really interesting when we crash at night, er, try to crash at night. it’s not like everyone’s making out with everyone else. but of course there’s one couple on the tour, the d-run and tina if you will, and they’re noisier by the night. then there’s the basic “we’re all sleeping in the same place” giggling or fighting or farting or whatever. it’s like no sleep till we get where we’re going. it’s not exactly a playful group, just a busy one.

  the only sucky thing is Pashmina hasn’t even really let me say “thanks” or anything for the money she gave me. I mean, I went to my bank first thing the next morning (good thing I was in san diego) and opened up a new account so it could earn some interest before evan’s tuition was due.

  anyway so evan doesn’t have to worry but every time I’ve tried to corner Pashmina to thank her she’s been really cold, like “I can’t talk now.” once she even said “don’t worry it was tax-free and I can write it off” so I just scribbled her a thank-you card and gave it to her bodyguard and gave up. and I never heard another word about it.

  I found out later that she’s actually opening a career center for recently released juvenile delinquents in her hometown. which I have to say is pretty cool.

  SATURDAY AUGUST 24

  STILL ON THE BUS, 12:30 AM

  something came over the radio like 20 minutes ago … there are reports that darcy barnes and jesse nixon were killed in a car crash.

  I’m worried. I guess I do care after all.

  I’ve been trying to page darcy but getting no response. damn I don’t even know if I have the right number.

  I borrowed the bassist’s satellite modem hookup and emailed her, too. he wouldn’t let me surf for news, though … he said his battery’s been running out too fast lately and he needs to save energy so he can email his daughter in the morning.

  also he said it’ll just make us all more freaked out because we’ll find conflicting information and no one knows the real story yet so why make yourself more crazy by surfing around when you won’t find anything any faster than the people at the radio station? why not wait for the official news?

  I was like whatever. that’s my friend. I just pulled on my headphones and turned up my Dido CD and stared out the window watching the headlights racing by.

  SATURDAY AUGUST 24

  HOUSTON RITZ

  HOUSTON, 11 PM

  Outfit: still in the cowboy hat but have big fat sunglasses now. didn’t sleep much last night was just worried about darcy. I mean she’s my friend even though we left on really bad terms and everything. anyway we found out this morning at 3 AM that it was definitely not true … actually they were together at hogs ‘n heifers all night.

  Mood: Cranky. see not sleeping comment above.

  Fortune: it’s true … things happen in threes.

  I was so relieved that darcy wasn’t dead.

  but we got some even more important news this morning when we pulled into the hotel in Houston.

  Pashmina was shoveling down a little tub of Kozy Shack when she climbed onto our bus before anyone could get off and goes, “ok we’re postponing our Mobile and Birmingham shows this coming week because we’re going to new york to be on the new divas alive. I’ll be flying on Wednesday, the rest of you will drive up leaving monday. we begin rehearsals on Wednesday night.”

  at first I was like omigod am I gonna meet gwen stefani or faith or maybe mariah? am I at least gonna meet Gloria Estefan? she’s always at those things!

  then I was like probably not. we’ll all be shoved into the tackiest back greenroom as usual. backup dancers are always like totally ignored by everyone else. kinda like opening acts.

  then it hit me. oh no. OH NO! that means everyone’s going to be in the same room together. everyone. Me. Darcy, who could hate me as far as I know
… and I don’t know for sure, not having spoken to her since … you know. Pashmina. Darla who will not leave me alone no matter what I do. Jesse who probably has crabs. Rashid who will know what to say if I manage to score a second with him. Jesus, Armand, D-Run, the Tinas who will all ignore me. maybe the elusive, accident-prone Shania will make an appearance, who the hell knows?

  is this good news? or bad news? or just a reminder that the drama really doesn’t stop?

  anyway, so then I was flipping through the TV and came across an episode of oprah.

  it was all about mothers and daughters and I know you don’t have to think too hard to know who were the featured celeb guests. Darcy and Darla.

  Oprah said that according to a recent poll, darcy is considered “inspiring” by more people than God.

  There was mad tension between them. I mean when they sang “Mama Knows Best” they were both like clenching their jaws and everything. usually darcy’s got the whole smiley kitty-cat eyes blinking all tweetybirdish being all “Mama knows what’s best …” but this time she was like staring darla down the whole time and gritting her teeth. very strange. I think oprah noticed too because she goes, “wow that was big! big, big big! back in a minute.”

  For the first time in my life I didn’t dive for the remote when a commercial came on. I just lay there, alone on a king-size bed (everything’s bigger in Texas) and let the weight-loss pill ad wash over me while I thought about Darcy. what would she be like if she had a different mother? would she be more normal? would she still be a star? would she be more like me?

  what if I had a different mother? would I have been less mean to her?

  anyway after the commercial they came back in and they were talking about the transition from being the mother of a teen to being the mother of an adult or something. all I know is TWICE darcy said, “It’s really really liberational to realize what feelings you have that are really yours and what feelings you have that you have been taught to have.”

  I was like “liberational”?

  oprah goes so you’re kind of looking at yourself and separating your nature from your nurture … finding out who you are independent of your family and mother” and darcy goes yeah I guess something like that and then she goes and I’m also starting to make my own choices, including choosing my own friends. now she was REALLY glaring at darla.

  and something about the way she said it made me think she was talking about me. I don’t know why. maybe it’s because I’ve always known that if it was up to darcy I wouldn’t have been fired. but darla got paranoid and did it for her and now she’s got no one on the tour to hang out with anymore.

  it made me want to see her. but at the same time it made me really nervous about seeing her.

  I realized I was humming “be with me reality.”

  I had a quick IM with evan.

  KellyKelSoCal321: want to come to new york next weekend?

  SlipKnotRules933111: sure sounds fun

  KellyKelSoCal321: that’s it?

  SlipKnotRules933111: what?

  KellyKelSoCal321: see you next friday.

  THURSDAY AUGUST 29

  BACK AT THE RIHGA ROYAL, 4:17 PM

  (when Pashmina found out that’s where darcy was staying she made sure we did, too … so Pashmina could reserve a bigger room)

  Outfit: official “Pashmina with Love” tour jacket, not because anyone’s making me wear it, but because I want to.

  Mood: Ask again later.

  I’m doing my best to avoid watching too much TV … the last thing I need to see is a promo for this big show. It’s like they’re advertising my own personal Armageddon. Not that it’s definitely going to be a disaster, but lord knows it could be.

  still sort of in awe about Pashmina’s unexpected kindness. I sorta stopped trying to mention it to her, but it kind of, well, humbled me.

  made it through the whole day of blocking and rehearsals and sound checks and stuff without running into darcy. or darla. thank god. I think I saw her once, way back in the theater, while we were rehearsing, and it looked like she was giving me the LOOK but I’m not sure, maybe I could have imagined it.

  FRIDAY AUGUST 30

  BACKSTAGE AT THE GARDEN, 3 PM (did I mention we were taping this at the Garden?)

  Outfit: still in my Pashmina with Love tour jacket

  Hair: so far no one’s touched it today, so far.

  Mood: at breakfast, optimistic, now, kinda terrified. Fortune: Begin at the beginning. And never end.

  had the most amazing donut this morning for breakfast, ok I had two. Pashmina’s bodyguard brought them to us from the Donut Pub on 14th St. they were incredible. Like not too greasy, but nice and gooey.

  I stuck my head in the media room where there was a closed-circuit tv hooked up to—get this—a joint press conference darcy and Pashmina were giving together down at Planet Hollywood. I was like WHAT?!?! I guess it was a good publicity stunt, though, it coulda been a catfight.

  but they totally hugged and told everyone they were really, really, truly good friends and everything. I snickered. they said were united in their love for Celine Dion, who the show is supposedly in honor of. I snickered again.

  I started thinking how weird it was that I didn’t even know they were doing this press conference. Back in the day, darcy would have made me go with her except for that one time at the Krispy Kreme. mmm donuts. anyway all these reporters were asking them questions: (Reporter: “Darcy what’s next for you?” Darcy: “I’m going to take it to the next level!” Reporter: “Pashmina how did you come up with your new image?” “Omigosh we just decided to straighten my hair! Dang! Image is just so overrated you guys!”)

  Then some reporter asked what they’d be performing at the show. Pashmina (in full stage makeup, which, let’s face it, can be scary at a press conference) said that she would be opening the show with “Girls Want It, Pt. 2.”

  Darcy started laughing.

  Pashmina looked at her like, What?

  darcy giggled a little, then said, that would be really cool! but seriously, tho, I’ll be opening the show tomorrow night with “Last Laugh.”

  Pashmina looked at her like she was insane.

  they both gave nervous giggles before Pashmina saved it, “guess we have to go backstage and diva out after all” and laughed it off. but it was clear there was a very serious problem afoot.

  within moments cell phones around the room erupted. I slipped out.

  we were on break so I took off to meet evan. his flight had landed about an hour before, and I’d asked the hotel to send a car service to pick him up. he felt so important. we didn’t talk about home, we didn’t talk about the show, we just ate grilled cheeses and talked about America’s Most Wanted. it was great.

  on our way back to the garden I wondered what had happened with darcy and Pashmina. it was totally one of those situations that I was so glad I was not actually a part of.

  then I got back to the garden and found out I actually was a part of it.

  FRIDAY AUGUST 30

  GARDEN, 6:30 PM

  Outfit: Pashmina prides herself on her creative input. today that means we all have to wear pastel competition ballroom dancing dresses with peekaboo valentines cut out of the butt. mine is green. Humiliating and impractical!!

  Mood: ever notice how “mood” is actually “doom” spelled backward?

  I had just changed into this hideous dress (see above) when Bernie the Big Bodyguard Dude grabs my shoulder and goes, Pashmina needs you onstage. I was like, did I miss a rehearsal and he just goes, come with me.

  he walked me, fast, through the halls. I felt like I was going to the principal’s office, only scarier.

  he walked me through a door to the stage area. we wound our way through the scaffolding and past the stage manager’s station. I could hear darcy’s valley girl texas voice (it’s gotten more texas I noticed) going, “Look, all I know is they promised me the opener. I wouldn’t have agreed to do the show otherwise.”

&nb
sp; she sounded pretty serious. I’m like oh no, I don’t want to be here right now …

  I stopped, but Bernie nudged me along.

  there was a long pause, then about 40 voices started chattering all at once.

  we rounded the corner and entered, stage left. it was so dramatic. in the middle of the massive, black-lacquered stage, there was a table and two chairs. they looked like they were floating on a superdeep black pool of water. everything reflected perfectly off the shiny stage.

  in the two chairs were Darcy and Pashmina, facing each other like they were the president of the united states and the premier of china at a summit. they had their backs straight and their claws OUT. I couldn’t figure out which one of them was blonder.

  both of them had full battle makeup and hair, already prepped for their shows, but both were in identical white robes. darcy’s robe was too small and her boobs were all over the place but then, it wouldn’t be darcy without some cleavage. Pashmina’s robe was too big. she was swimming in it. like it was her dad’s or boyfriend’s or something.

  darcy had nine dancers behind her (I noticed they hadn’t bothered to replace me) and Pashmina had seven. there were all these men in black … males and females, some sopranos style and some traditional. eileen was there, pacing, mumbling. I saw rashid in the background, he winked at me.

  everyone was talking at each other or making that sucking-on-your-teeth sound or frantically dialing their cell phones.

  darla was just standing there about four paces behind darcy, mumbling silently, facing me but looking at the back of darcy’s head … then she moved her glance up to Pashmina and I could see her mouthing “how dare she how dare she” then she glanced up, saw me, and glazed over with the most intense LOOK she’s probably ever mustered up. suddenly I felt really cold, especially right around the peekaboo valentine cutout part of my costume.