“But,” she asked.
He laughed. “Touché, Carolina. But, I never cared for all the social events we attended at the country club. Hated getting dressed in a suit or a tux and hated all the formality. Besides, my brother and I were left home alone with the servants because our parents traveled a lot and attended many parties and dinners and conferences. The servants were kind and all that, but I was bored. I preferred hanging out in the bunkhouse with the men.”
“What about your brother?” she asked.
“Chance? He’s a clone of my dad. He loves the oil business, at least going into the office part, board meetings and the social life. Plus he enjoys ranching at the same time. He has combined the best of both worlds, he’s pleased and my folks are happy. I would have preferred to work on the rigs, if I had stayed in Texas. That didn’t suit my father. But we love one another. I disappointed my dad because I didn’t want the same life he lived, being the older son and such. Nor did I marry the woman they had chosen for me.”
“I wonder sometimes if anyone is ever satisfied. But since I have no experience of my own…”
As Stede pulled into the parking lot of the Ocotillo Nursing Home, he said, “That can be fixed.”
“I’m not all that sure.”
“We’ll see,” he said, shutting off the ignition and turning toward her. “I want to go in to see Carl first in order to get a bead on what you’ll be facing. I won’t tell him you’re here. I’ll just ask about selling the trailer. Is that all right with you?”
Relieved, for the small reprieve, Carolina nodded. “I’ll wait for you in the lobby.”
Stede smiled at her as he helped her out of the SUV and he guided her into the nursing home with his hand on the small of her back, giving her reassurance. Once inside, he led her to a chair, and whispered. “I’ll be back to get you.”
****
The wait made Carolina more nervous than she had been since her trip cross-country on the Greyhound Bus. But being nervous was not the same as being afraid for your life. Carl couldn’t hurt her physically, she was certain, and nothing he said or did could have been worse than what she already endured.
She saw Stede’s shadow in the hallway even before he came out of Carl’s room. His head was down and when he looked up, she noticed his look of concern.
“I don’t know what Carl looked like before, but he’s very frail. However, I want you to be prepared because his tongue is still quite caustic. When I walked in his room there was a nurse there and he was giving her a rough time,” Stede said, offering her his hand.
“What did he say to you?”
“The first thing was to ask who I was.”
“Did you resolve the problem with the trailer?”
Stede put his arm around her shoulder and said, “We’ll talk about that on the way home. Let’s walk down to his room. Say whatever you came prepared to say, and let’s get that over with and get out of here.”
Carolina felt a huge rush of adrenaline surge through her body and knew if Stede hadn’t been walking beside her, she probably would have taken off in a hurry. Her mind was blank about what she’d say when she saw Carl, even though she had rehearsed a thousand speeches a thousand times in her head over the years.
But she’d come this far, and one thing she knew for certain was that confronting him face to face was something she had to do for her mental and emotional salvation, otherwise, fear of rejection and abandonment would haunt her the rest of her life.
When they got to Carl’s room, Stede said, “I’ll be right here in the hall if you need me, I’m not going anywhere. He’s alone in the room, but he can’t harm you.”
Carolina walked into the room full of misgivings, but the moment she saw Carl she understood what Stede tried to tell her about his condition. Carl was bedridden, hooked up to a monitoring device with an IV drip attached to his arm and an oxygen tube in his nostrils. He looked emaciated, even from a distance. His face was wrinkled and dark with a beard and his eyes were sunken.
His life had been reduced to this. His body as much a waste as the life he led. Surprisingly, she hadn’t expected to feel pity for him, believing all her life that he deserved every hateful thing that could happen to him, but she did. She braved moving closer.
The second he caught her standing there, she spoke. “Do you know who I am?”
Carl squinted, “Only one person I ever knew had hair that color.”
“Who was that?”
“Mary Fox, no kin of mine, though. What the hell did ya’ come back for? I hope you ain’t lookin’ for no money.”
“No, not from you, not from anyone.”
“Then what did you come for? To see an old man die?”
“I came specifically to see you, Dad,” she said, swallowing back the bile that rose in her throat from calling him dad; something she’d avoided for as long as she could remember.
“I didn’t know you were sick. I’m glad now that I didn’t wait to have this chance to visit.” Her words came out in a rush without a pause, not giving him an opportunity to interrupt her.
“I came to say I’m sorry life hasn’t been kinder to you, the disappointments fewer, the money more abundant, and in general, the memories simply sweeter. And also to ask forgiveness for whatever there was about me that made you hate me the way I came to hate you and for the hurtful things I thought about you. I forgive you for all the horrible things you did to our family, for your bitterness and your anger, and the drunkenness and beatings you undeservingly administered to us.”
“Yeah, well you can take your sorry ass out of here. I don’t need your forgiveness nor did I want to see you. I have no reason to offer you an apology.”
She didn’t know what she expected. The slightest softening to let her know her words had affected him enough to at least start a healing of their relationship? A partial reconciliation with some insight into why he was such a dysfunctional and hurtful man? An explanation into the wrongs that may have happened to him in his childhood? A simple, “I’m sorry,” would have been something.
Yet even though her words seemingly hadn’t changed anything for him, they had for her. She had achieved what she had often thought of as impossible—merely being in his presence and calling him dad, offering him forgiveness and being humble enough to ask for his without fear.
Having accomplished all of that sent an inexplicable peace throughout her soul. She had done all she could. The choice to forgive and accept forgiveness was his, to be reconciled or remain in his self-made imprisonment. From the looks of him he didn’t have much time to give what she had said much thought.
She became concerned when his monitor suddenly indicated a rise in his heartbeat and blood pressure. A sure sign she had set him off again—it never did take much. Because she agitated him, she couldn’t be sure the nursing home would allow her back to make another attempt to reach him. Then again, he could give them instructions to bar her from visiting as well.
Instead, she offered a parting shot in her attempt to get through to him. “Maybe you should ask God for His forgiveness,” she said without rancor and turned to leave only to find Stede standing directly behind her. He put is arm around her and led her away, but not fast enough to miss Carl yell harshly, “Still a proud bitch, huh, Mary?”
Chapter Nine
Stede drove home as fast as possible on the winding roads, because he was worried Carolina would fall apart. Her silence concerned him more than tears would have but he knew he should wait until she was ready to speak.
He pulled the SUV around to the front of his house and parked in the garage in order to avoid running into Manny and Jenny. He didn’t think Carolina was in any condition to see anyone.
After he led her into the house, she settled down on the sofa and King readily took up guard. She gave him a wan smile and a big hug. Stede fixed her a glass of iced tea and asked, “Are you going to be all right?”
Carolina combed the fingers of one hand through her hair causing the silky strands to cas
cade down her back. “Today’s visit was certainly no quick fix. I’ve been playing and replaying in my mind the conversation I had with Carl. And I came away with the impression that he dealt with my departure as a way to disown me. I spent many anxious years uselessly looking over my shoulder and hiding my trail, which apparently he had no intentions to follow, any more than he had my mother’s, although I couldn’t say the same for Lizzie. He was crazed about her leaving and obsessed with finding out where she went.
“I also wasted time wondering what I would say to him. Thinking maybe I should’ve let him know I was coming, rather than simply dropping in on him like that after all these years, but that wouldn’t have made any difference. I need a little time to digest what happened today, that’s all.”
“Personally, I don’t believe anything you said or did would have made a difference in the way he reacted. None of this is your fault. For whatever reason, his heart is hard against the world and everybody in it. He doesn’t deserve you, never did apparently. If you’re sure you don’t need me, I’ve got some work to do down at the hospital. Here’s the phone in case you change your mind, just push the intercom,” he winked. “We’ll talk when I get back. Okay?”
She gave him a faint smile and nodded.
****
Stede hurried to finish the work Jenny had taken care of in his absence, checked a few of the animals and cleared up some paper work. He told Jenny a little about what had happened.
“I thought she had come to Sage Canyon for a reason,” Jenny said, “but I had no idea she came to find her father.”
“There’s more to the story but I’m not at liberty to talk about those things at the moment. However, I have a feeling Carolina is going to need a woman friend and I hope you’ll be there for her when the time comes, Jenny. Right now, though, I think she needs some privacy.”
“You can count on me,” she said. “Will she be staying here for a while then?
“I’ve asked her to come to Texas with us; seems she has a mother and a sister there that she hasn’t seen in years, either.”
“I think it will be good to have her along and maybe she’ll be able to enjoy a little fun.”
“I hope so. See you and Manny tomorrow?”
“Sure.”
****
When Carolina woke up from her nap, King was still there, lying alongside her. As she began to stir, he stretched and hopped off the sofa and took a run out the doggie door.
No sooner had King gone out than Stede came in, laughing. “Guess he had to go real bad.”
“Guess so. What time is it? I feel like I’ve slept for hours.”
“Five-thirty. Hungry?”
“Probably, but I don’t feel awake enough to go out to dinner.”
“I’ve ordered in, pizza and salad.”
“My favorite food.”
“Seriously?”
She nodded. “Absolutely.”
“Terrific. Should be here in about half an hour.”
“Sorry if I ruined our evening.”
He gave her a wink. “You couldn’t, even if you tried.”
Stede flicked on a switch inside his entertainment center and music filled the room. He put out his hand and practically lifted her off the sofa. “I want to test your dancing skills if we’re going to go to Texas together. I can’t be seen in the neighborhood clubs with a green cowgirl from back east.”
He had one of those DVD players that held about six discs at one time but played one selection from each disc, mixing the music. Carolina had a feeling he spent a lot of time selecting slow, seductive CD’s and wondered how many women he’d entertained like this.
They started off dancing the Texas two-step as best she could manage with her swollen foot. However, by the third song, Lady in Red, their bodies had moved close, Carolina barely had to move her feet at all.
Wrapped in his arms about her waist, his clasped hands resting at the small of her back, and both her arms about his neck, as they swayed cheek to cheek, she could feel the soft bristle of the afternoon shadow of his beard and drank in the fragrance of his intoxicating spicy cologne.
She sighed in contentment, glad for a diversion from her altercation with Carl, and nestled closer, pleased beyond words with her deepening friendship with Stede.
She had never had someone stick up for her the way he had. His parents had raised him to be a caring, yet strong man, although he indicated that they were disappointed with some of his choices in life. She could only imagine what they would think if they knew he was mixed up with her, however casually, given her family background. But, as far as she was concerned, what she had accomplished despite her poor beginnings was more to the point.
Stede felt Carolina nestle closer and whispered in her ear, “I love you.”
His words strummed across the strings of her heart, resounding within her from head to toe, like a sudden and unexpected introductory chord played on an acoustical guitar, signaling the exciting promise of much more to come.
She moved her face away from his cheek and he stole a passionate kiss that stopped all pretense of their dancing. His warm breath fanned her cheek as his mouth thoroughly laid claim to hers.
The kiss was full of heat that melted her defenses and tenderness that exquisitely froze the moment in time. His caring was a healing balm to her wounded heart. She drew deeply from his strength and all that he offered. Daring to trust the message he sent, she slipped her fingers into the dark richness of his hair to encourage his mining of her soul.
Stede let out a soft groan and she felt a grin across her lips and hoped he moaned with the wanting of her. She was tentative and thought maybe she was unlike most of the women he’d known who were probably more than eager to bed him in the hope of roping him permanently.
Carolina was tantalizingly slow to yield to his pursuit. His hands roamed around her slender waist and up her back until they met the silken strands of her hair.
“The night I left for Oklahoma, and saw you at the window, your hair shone in the moonlight like quicksilver. You were fire and ice and that’s when I decided to chip away at the ice. I intend to stoke the refining fire until you are wholly mine,” he whispered in her hair.
He turned and looked at her, then gently took her lower lip between his teeth and gave a tender tug as he pulled away, ending the kiss. He lowered his head and kissed her neck.
The doorbell rang, startling both of them and brought King back in the house barking at the pizza delivery boy at the front door. But nothing could have broken the spell Carolina felt herself under, as she realized that she had fallen desperately in love with this cowboy.
Stede carried their dinner into the kitchen and placed the food on the island. Then he turned around giving Carolina a quick embrace, tasting her lips again. “Let’s eat,” he said and then went to get some plates and napkins.
While helping him set the table, she teased, “Guess that kiss means I passed the dance test, huh?”
“Yep. Got a genuine Arthur Murray student on my hands.”
She gave a soft laugh.
“And a whole lot of woman,” he added, eyeing her appreciatively.
Shyness overtook her and her gaze skittered away from his. Not quite knowing how to respond, she stored his comment close to her heart to savor later and cleared her throat.
“With my background greatly different than yours, there are bound to be things other than my dancing that might embarrass you.”
She reached in the cupboard to take out the salad bowls and one fell on the granite countertop, breaking into shards. Instinctively, she tensed and ducked—an old habit from her childhood that was hard to break.
When she dared to look at Stede, she found his blue eyes studying her intently. He walked toward her and when he bundled her in his arms, she shuddered. “Carolina, relax. What did you think I was going to do? Hit you? It’s only dish.”
She let him hold her until she felt the tension in her body meld into his warm embrace. “I’m sorry
.”
“There’s nothing to apologize for,” he pulled away and looked down at her. “Let me see you smile.” He waited patiently until she gave him somewhat of a grin; at least she tried. “Okay, that’s better. Our pizza’s getting cold.”
While she served dinner, he picked up the broken dish.
“Are you sure you want me to accompany you to Texas.”
“You didn’t hear me withdraw the invitation, did you?”
“I’m worried about meeting your parents.”
He chuckled. “Anyone who can hold her own with Carl will do fine around my family and trust me, you’ll do more than all right. So, does that mean you’re going to go to Texas with us?”
“Can we take King? I might need the extra protection.”
“He always comes along.”
“Then I’m going, too.”
During dinner she said, “You know, even after all the mean things that spewed out of Carl’s mouth today, I feel better having told him that I forgive him. When I finished, a curious sense of release came over me, like slave chains dropping from my wrists and ankles, but most of all from my heart.”
“In that case, it’s a good thing you didn’t wait any longer to find him, as bad as he looks.”
“I thought that myself. I’d really like him to have the same sense of release before he dies.”
Stede put his fork down and reached for her hand. “Carolina, sometimes we want more for others than they want for themselves. Carl told you as much. His heart’s as hard as the Rock of Gibraltar. He chooses to be that way.”
“There’s one thing I can’t get out of my mind, though.”
“What’s that?”
“I wonder what he meant when he uttered that biting remark, ‘no kin of mine’?”
“He probably said that because he no longer considered you his daughter after you had been gone for so many years. But if I were you, I wouldn’t worry at all about what he said. He’s not worth a penny of your thoughts or concern.”
“I suppose I should feel exonerated especially after he said he didn’t need to be forgiven. What did Carl say about the trailer?”
Proud Mary Page 8
