“He said I could have the trailer if I agreed to pay his medical bills?”
“You didn’t agree, did you?”
Stede took her hand and kissed her palm. “I don’t want you to ever waste another minute thinking about him; I told him I would, but only on the condition that he sign an agreement outlining the deal. I’ll have my lawyer handle the transaction while we’re in Texas. I want you to learn how a woman should be treated. And I want to be the one to love you first and last.”
“You don’t have any competition. You’re the only man that ever expressed that desire.”
He smiled. “Well wait ’til you get to Texas. When my rodeo buddies get a gander at you, I’m going to have to watch out for the competition.”
“Now I’m sure you’re joking.”
“Mark my words,” he said, pulling her up out of the chair and into his arms. “We have to practice…”
His words faded as his mouth branded her with a searing kiss and she realized he didn’t mean dancing. Her long-held inhibition to avoid intimacy melted even more, only to be overcome with the fear that in the end she would find herself alone again.
This time, though, would be different. Still unconvinced a roving rodeo cowboy at heart could give her the stability she desperately sought, she would at least know she had been loved and more importantly, that she was capable of loving in return.
****
For the next week, Carolina didn’t have time to dwell on her visit with Carl. An air of excitement overtook the routine at Stede’s ranch as they began to prepare for the trip to Texas.
Everyone was assigned chores and given a list of things they were responsible to complete. After they returned the rental car, Stede gave Carolina the SUV to drive around since the swelling in her ankle had finally gone down.
She was given charge of the preparations to close up the house, while Jenny and Stede were in charge of the hospital and transferring the animals that were there to a nearby vet. Manny took care of the grounds and packed the equipment and food supplies for King and the two horses they took with them.
Manny and Jenny planned to travel in their GM motor home and Carolina was responsible for stocking food for the trip. She had never been inside a motor home before and was surprised to see all the luxuries. They were each allotted a set of dresser drawers and half a closet to store their clothes in rather than packing large suitcases.
There was a television, DVD player, a small kitchen, table and booth to sit in, a master bedroom in the back, a sofa, and two beds that unfolded from the ceiling of the motor home. The shower itself was small, but the bathroom was adequate and Carolina began to look forward to the trip with great enthusiasm. This was her idea of camping outdoors, no spiders, no snakes, and kitchen and bathroom conveniences.
Although Carolina’s sleeping quarters were with Jenny and Manny, she would spend her days riding with Stede in the large white pickup truck that would haul the horse trailer. Much to her surprise, his gooseneck trailer had thirteen feet of living space in the front. The inside cabinetry was birchwood and came equipped with a stove, microwave, refrigerator, dinette and a leather sleeper sofa. There was a bathroom and shower plus a flat screen TV and a DVD player. There was an eight-foot short wall with a slide that widened the living quarters and an awning for the outside that opened electronically.
The middle section of the trailer was a tack room that they filled with feed for the horses, saddles, extra cans of gasoline, water, and tools in case of any mechanical problems along the way. She had never before seen masks or fly spray that they stowed away for the horses either, but thought they were a great invention.
Stede showed her the double mangers in the back for their horses and explained that the roof was made of composite to help keep the stock cool and he also showed her how to operate the windows.
By the time evening came, Carolina was exhausted from the day’s work, but she began to feel the same enthusiasm Stede did about the rodeo. After the refrigerator and pantry in the house were emptied of perishable foods, they stopped cooking meals, except to have cereal for breakfast. Lunch was takeout or delivery and the four of them went out to dinner in the evenings, picking up Mrs. Dugan along the way, which pleased both Carolina and Stede’s grandmother.
In the evenings when they returned home, she and Stede sat out on the porch and talked until neither one of them could keep their eyes open, or over a shared bowl of popcorn that she’d prepared, sometimes snuggled on the sofa watching a movie before parting for the night, he to the loft, she still ensconced in his bedroom. She couldn’t remember ever feeling as happy and satisfied in her entire life.
Finally the day had come for them to leave for New Mexico and then Texas. Stede’s medical supplies had been stored in a cooler and kept in the motor home. The house was boarded up; the alarm system activated and they were ready.
Stede put the cooler with water, sodas and supplies on the floor in the back seat of his truck, and a bucket of water and food for King who got the entire backseat to himself. Carolina hopped into the SUV, with her laptop and briefcase, and tossed her bag of toiletries on the floor next to the cooler.
She was amazed at how much work and organization went into the preparation for the rodeo. She was pleased to be made to feel part of their team. Most of all, she enjoyed the deepening friendship that developed between them and the growing friendship with Jenny and Manny.
Chapter Ten
Stede’s presence filled the cab as he got in beside Carolina and banged the door closed, creating what she thought of as their private haven. The crown of his black Stetson nearly touched the ceiling and sported a fancy silver etched medallion through which was threaded a snakeskin band.
His black shirt was decorated down the front and on the breast pockets with mother of pearl snaps. She suspected they were on the cuffs, too, although she couldn’t see them because he’d rolled his sleeves back, exposing part of his muscle corded forearms. Arms sprinkled with dark hair on golden skin browned from the sun. Arms she loved that drew her close to accept his kisses.
She touched her lips and remembered the tingling sensation his chiseled mouth left on hers, mounting desires within her that remained unsatisfied. Yet she was afraid to allow him to appease them. Not because she didn’t want him to make love to her, but because she was afraid to disappoint him. And because she strongly doubted they could ever have a future together.
She knew enough about love to know that kisses weren’t everything. There had to be respect and commitment, too, things that had been totally lacking in her parents’ dysfunctional relationship.
Her heart and her mind were at odds with one another. His goals were vital to his existence. He had worked tirelessly toward achieving them. And even though he had plans for his future, he was patient. He took life in stride.
Like her, he’d left his family to carve out a life. But her goals were simpler to define. She dreamt of falling in love and marrying and having a family. She wanted her life to be centered on her family and home, the opposite of her childhood experiences. And she had never given a thought to getting involved with a man who was always on the road, traveling to rodeos and back again, leaving her behind.
She’d been alone even when she lived with Carl. For most of her life she lived a lonely existence and suffered from being alienated from her mother and sister. No one ever came to her rescue before Stede, and of course, his grandmother. Yet she didn’t think she could bear being second fiddle to the rodeo.
The very thought of sitting beside Stede day after day on this trip would be difficult, breathing in his scent and listening to the rich sound of his voice when he spoke that sent waves of chills through her entire body. Her heart raced wondering if they would come to a point in their relationship where he’d want her to come to his bed eventually. What would she say?
She had no experience and even though she was convinced there was no future for them, she still wanted to know his love. She was treading head o
ver heels on the brink of having an affair and she was frightened.
She dismissed an air of melancholy and stared out the window watching the scenery speed by until she felt his hand on her leg.
“Are you all right?”
Did he have any idea what his touch did to her? She exhaled and closed her eyes tight, afraid that if she looked at him, he’d know what was on her mind.
“I’m fine,” she managed to say. “I’m enjoying the colorful scenery and the sheer beauty of the pine and aspen trees. It’s been a long time since I’ve been this deep in the forest. Where’s our first stop?”
“We’ll be driving across the Apache Indian Reservation for a while, traveling north, then we’ll head east to Gallup, New Mexico, then to Albuquerque, where we’ll spend the night.”
“I’ve never been to either Gallup or Albuquerque.”
“Great. Do you like authentic Mexican food?”
“Yes.”
“I want to take you to a wonderful place for dinner in the historic section of Albuquerque, if that’s all right with you.”
“That will be fine.”
“When we get to Gallup, we’ll take a rest for lunch and map out the stops for the next segment of our trip.”
He was silent for a minute, and then said, “You’ve been very quiet this morning. What were you thinking? Are you worried about finding your mother and sister?”
An indiscernible sound escaped Carolina’s throat. “No,” she replied, and then fell silent.
Stede looked over at her, lifted a brow and gave her his endearing lopsided grin. “Any chance you were thinking about us?”
“Sort of…”
“Sort of? Can you be more specific?”
She shook her head and he laughed heartily.
Turning toward him she asked, “Why are you laughing?”
“You appeared to be deep in thought. Are you worried that I might expect you to spend a night or two with me?”
She stared at him for a full second, trying to decide whether or not to tell the truth or be coy and deny her thoughts. She had no experience in these things. Finally she decided to counter with her own question. “Why would you ask me that if you weren’t contemplating that happening?” She crossed her arms and looked away, feeling the heat of embarrassment staining her cheeks.
“You’re blushing and I feel like we’re playing Twenty Questions to help pass the time. Tell me, does this mean you want to go to bed with me? You’re concerned that I might not want to sleep with you? Or you’re afraid that one of us might be disappointed? Or that you’ve never had sex before?”
She switched crossing her arms and gave a nervous chuckle. “All of the above; they all lead to fear.”
Stede’s eyes narrowed perceptibly, turning steel blue, as they momentarily held hers before returning to the road. He didn’t say another word. After a few minutes, he pulled into a scenic overlook, got out of the truck, and walked around the front to her side, keeping his gaze locked on her. He opened the door, reaching for her hand.
Carolina didn’t know what to think when he helped her out of the truck until he closed the door and pinned her against the metal with his body. He placed his hands through her hair and brought her face close to his. He lowered his head, all the while staring into her eyes and the moment he heard her intake of breath, he grazed her lips, parting them before he deepened his passion.
When the kiss ended, he stepped away from her but continued to keep his eyes locked on hers. “I have to let King out, but I’m offering you an open invitation. I want to make love to you right here and now, Carolina, or whenever or wherever you decide you’re ready.”
“And where will it lead? We’re from two different and diverse worlds. Wanting two very different things. You want freedom. I want family ties. Your parents expect you to marry into a wealthy family. Your family is replete with parents, a sibling and a grandparent who love and care about you even if you aren’t always in agreement on things. Mine is demanding you pay medical bills. They are abusive and estranged. They had no problem abandoning or disowning me. I have nothing to offer…”
“Yes you do. You’re educated, successful, beautiful, caring, and sometimes funny when you let your guard down and even when you’re angry, you make me smile. Did I mention beautiful? Inside and out. I know I’m happy whenever I’m with you.”
He opened the door and King bounded out and circled between them, like a wave lapping at their legs.
“I’m not Carl, or your mother, or Lizzie, Carolina. I’m not going to end up beating you like Carl did, although if he weren’t dying, I know l wouldn’t have a problem beating him to a pulp for what he’s done to your family.”
He reached past her for the dog’s leash and didn’t miss the fact that she sidled away from him.
“I’m in love with you, Carolina, and I think you’re in love with me, too. But you’re scared because you’re afraid to make the same mistake your mother made. And you can’t decide if this is real and lasting, or simply a temporary infatuation. As soon as you realize this isn’t about where making love will lead, but rather the commitment that leads to making love, the better off we’ll both be.”
He put the leash around King’s collar and led him away.
She’d never seen him hurt. Frozen in place, she watched them go, feeling a sense of loss. Was she capable of making a commitment to him or anyone else for that matter?
Maybe he was right. Perhaps his roaming merely became a convenient excuse. What if by some unlikely chance he gave up the rodeo? Could she trust enough to yield even then? She honestly didn’t know.
He and his grandmother had done a great deal for her and continued to do all they could to help her. She should be able to trust him. And more importantly, she ought to be able to trust her own judgment.
“Look, Carolina,” he said, returning with King, “I don’t want a halfhearted commitment from you any more that you want one from me. Forget we ever had this conversation. Relax and enjoy the trip. No strings attached. Let me know whenever you’re ready. The invitation stands. ’Cause if and when we ever do make love, I want every man who sees you to know you’re mine.”
His gaze flamed as hot and possessive as his words and secretly thrilled her right down to her toes. She reached up and tentatively touched his cheek to diminish the physical and emotional distance between them, and said, “I think I may have found the one man with enough persistence and patience to chip away at my insecurities while I work on disposing the inner and outer ones.”
“Some days I feel like I need a blow torch,” he said, taking her hand and kissing her palm. “Let’s go before Manny and Jenny wonder what happened to us. They’ll be suspicious if we don’t meet them in Gallup for lunch and then they’ll be convinced we stopped to make love.”
Carolina climbed back in the truck laughing. “Cowboy!”
Stede laughed and they continued on their way.
****
They pulled into a truck stop in Gallup, New Mexico, and had lunch in the motor home. After lunch, the men gassed up the vehicles, tended to the horses and refilled their feed and water buckets, and took King for a walk in the pet park while Carolina and Jenny hit the souvenir shops.
Carolina thought Gallup was an interesting town, sitting in the vast desert—seemingly in the middle of nowhere to be more precise. She learned about the Native American World War II soldiers who were trained to use the Navajo Code, the wartime code the enemy was never able to break, as they walked through the little museum section of a McDonald’s that Jenny thought she should see.
When they returned, Stede and Manny were resting. Jenny sat and read a magazine she had bought, while Carolina put her purchases away in one of the drawers before going outside to take King for another walk.
Forty-five minutes later they were on their way, headed toward Albuquerque. She was much more relaxed this time and she and Stede talked about his family and riding the rodeo circuit. She was interested in learning everyth
ing about him.
She met the one man she wanted to share an intimate life with—a life with marriage and children. Unfortunately he lived in Arizona and he was away from home too often. But on the other hand, he knew more about her life than anyone.
Even if she made the decision to stay with him, she doubted his family would ever accept her. Her upbringing labeled her white trash no matter how hard she worked to dispel the image. She always stood on the outside of her circle of friends for fear they’d learn the truth about her childhood.
She worried that once she allowed Stede to make love to her, she’d be unable to walk away from him. The fact that she didn’t or couldn’t live life for the day and enjoy their excursion bothered her.
Her emotions concerning him were complicated. There was nothing more on earth she wanted than to have him teach her how to love and to totally surrender herself to him.
Except she lived her entire life on the edge. Fear dominated her behavior and she found those habits hard to change. She desperately wanted nothing more than to be free of the constant and frantic dread that Carl would come after her. That obsession prevented her from being a free spirit and living for the moment, or even for the day. Now that she knew Carl could no longer hurt her, she thought maybe her life might change.
Stede was quiet and any conversation they had was mostly to remark on the beautiful scenery. She had trouble concentrating on anything else because her thoughts never strayed from the temptation of his open invitation. As they approached the city of Albuquerque, clouds drifted over the mountains shading the landscape and in the far distance, chimneys of smoke appeared in the sky above the mountains where wildfires burned, and the sound of fire engines could be heard in the distance.
They had driven through a national forest, across an Indian reservation, seen what looked like gardens of saguaro cacti, and she was in awe of the red clay cliffs and mesas, and now watched early evening hues paint the landscape in shades of red, gold and purple.
Manny and Jenny were in front of them and pulled into a parking lot of a motel and Carolina watched as Stede followed. “I thought we were going to a trailer park for tonight.”
Proud Mary Page 9
