by Quinn Ward
“You act like it’s a hardship.” It wasn’t, and that’s part of what frightened me. I’d never given a thought to having a family of my own, but that’s exactly what I had here. In the mornings, I was just as likely to get up with Sophia as Freddie was. She and I had our own routine, allowing Freddie to get more sleep than he was accustomed to, which led to him being in a better mood most days.
Twenty minutes later, Sophia proclaimed her hair was Peter-perfect and scolded us to hurry up as if we were the reason she was late getting to her Nonna’s. Freddie chatted with her the entire ride. To someone who didn’t know him it might seem like he was trying to keep Sophia’s mind off our impending departure, but I knew better. He was the one who was struggling. Sophia seemed excited about spending some quality time with her Nonna, including a major school shopping trip.
I hated that I wouldn’t be here for her first day of school. It was stupid and I knew that, but it was a huge milestone for her and I wanted to be a part of it. I wasn’t sure I’d be welcome for the occasion anyways, when Freddie and I still hadn’t solidified any sort of label for our relationship. It wasn’t fair of me to ask for a commitment when I was still tied to New York, which was why I hoped to figure out how to commute when needed by the end of the year. It was the only way Freddie and I stood a chance of making this work.
When we got to Mama’s house, she was standing on the front porch waiting for us. Even though Sophia typically preferred I help her out of her booster seat, I left that task for Freddie and opened the trunk to take out Sophia’s suitcase. I stopped briefly on the front porch, bending down to give Mama a quick hug and a peck on the cheek. “You’re a good boy, Peter Agnelli. You make sure you take care of my son while you’re up in that big city. I’d better get him back in one piece.”
Her praise made me uncomfortable yet warm all at the same time. The first few weeks I’d been home, I tried spending time with my own family, hoping time had healed all wounds. When it became apparent nothing had changed, that my father couldn’t accept me for who I was and my sister still blamed me for the closure of our family business, I began distancing myself. I still saw Maria frequently, but it was always either at Freddie’s house or out in public. She didn’t pressure me to spend time with the rest of them, and I got the impression she envied my freedom.
“I promise I’ll take good care of him, Mama.” A flush crept up my cheeks as I’d never admit to Mama all the ways I planned to take care of him.
“And don’t think you’re going to woo him into moving my grandbaby up there,” she scolded me.
“Mama, I’m pretty sure that’s the least of your worries.” Freddie reassured her. If it wasn’t for the fact Freddie still hadn’t expressly told his mom we were together, I would’ve leaned over and kissed him full on his lips for rescuing me. “I already told you I’m going to spend a few days up there with him and I’ll be back middle of next week.”
“You say that now, but I don’t want you getting it in your head that you can take off and move up there,” she reiterated.
“Don’t you worry about that.” Freddie draped an arm over Mama’s shoulder and kissed the side of her head. “If anything could have gotten me to move away from here, I’d have gone long ago. The problem is I like my life way too much. I even love working with my brothers for some stupid reason, so you’re all stuck with me.”
I eased my way past mother and son, into the house. Sophia had already told me which room was hers at Nonna’s house, amazed when I told her that was the room her daddy used to sleep in. She knew on some level we’d been friends when we were kids, but her young mind never connected the dots that that meant I knew such details.
Memories flooded my brain with every step up the stairs of the Marino home. Both sides of the upstairs hallway were lined with pictures of each of the boys in chronological order. I paused when I reached the end of the hall, taking in images from after I’d left town. My chest felt heavy when I saw the scowl in later images of Freddie, not wanting to think I might’ve been part of the reason he no longer smiled.
Stepping into Freddie’s childhood bedroom was a level of hell I wasn’t prepared for. Little had changed since last time I’d been here. Freddie’s double bed was still shoved against the far wall, covered with a simple blue quilt. The bookshelf was still filled with an eclectic combination of fiction and nonfiction books.
I could still hear Freddie and Mama talking downstairs, so I placed Sophia’s suitcase on the bed and opened it. I had no doubt Mama was more than capable of unpacking Sophia’s clothes, but she was already doing us a huge favor by watching Sophia while we were gone. I laughed at some of the wardrobe choices because it was obvious our little Miss Sophia had her very own unique fashion sense. I did the best I could to lay out outfits that would go together and hoped for the best. I opened the closet door, hoping to find some empty hangers small enough to fit her clothes. As I pushed the clothes that were hanging to one end, my eyes caught on a ratty purple sweatshirt tucked away at the back.
I bent down and pulled it out of the closet, staring in awe when I realized what I was holding. It was my old high school sweatshirt, the one I saved up my own money to buy because Papa refused to buy me a drama club sweatshirt. In his words, drama was for sissies and he didn’t raise no sissy.
I startled when a warm hand pressed against my sides. Freddie rested his head on my shoulder and kissed the side of my neck. “Do you make a habit of snooping through closets in other people’s houses?”
I knew he wasn’t angry, but I was still embarrassed because he’d caught me. “That depends. Do you make a habit of stealing other people’s clothes?”
When I turned around, Freddie looked nervous. He wouldn’t meet my eyes as he led me over to the edge of the bed. “This is probably going to sound stupid, but I’m learning that happens a lot when I’m around you.”
“Hey now, what’s that supposed to mean?” I elbowed him in the ribs, not hard enough to hurt but definitely hard enough to get his attention.
“You have this way of getting me to say whatever’s on my mind without thinking about it too much.” He picked at the fabric of the shorts, still refusing to make eye contact with me.
I crooked a finger under his chin, forcing him to lift his gaze. “You know I was just kidding right? I’m not really pissed that you took my sweatshirt.”
“In my defense, I didn’t steal it. You left it here. But when you left, it was the only thing I had to remember you by.”
My heart melted a bit. All this time, I’d been struggling to believe Freddie felt anything for me like what I had felt for him when we were kids, but the evidence was in my hands. It was sweet he’d held onto this as a memento of the time we shared. “If that’s how you really felt why is it collecting dust in the bottom of the closet at your mama’s house?”
“I guess by the time I moved out I’d forgotten it was there.” He slid his hand over my thigh, turning to face me. “There’s a whole lot I tried to forget during that time. Things I didn’t want to admit and the more I thought about you, the harder it was for me to lie to myself and ignore this huge part of who I was.”
Before the moment turned more serious, Sophia came bounding into the room. “Guys, Nonna says it’s time for you to come downstairs and get some lunch because then you have to leave.”
She placed her hands on her hips and glared at us, causing both of us to bust out laughing. No doubt that was the exact way Mama stood when she told Sophia to come up and get us. Sophia ran down the stairs as quickly as she’d arrived, giving Freddie and me one last moment alone. “Did you and Mama have a good talk?”
Freddie shrugged. “I’m sure I haven’t heard the last of it, but it didn’t feel right for the two of us to go out of town without me telling her what’s going on between us,” he admitted.
“And what exactly did you tell her?”
“I told her the truth,” he stated flatly. “I told her that I’m bi, that we’ve been dating each other,
and that I think I’m falling in love with you.”
A tear welled up along my bottom eyelid. “Do you really mean that?” Freddie nodded. Forgetting about anything beyond the bedroom door, I shoved Freddie back on the bed and straddled his hips. “I love you too, Freddie. I always have, but never let myself believe that you felt the same way. Is it wrong of me to be happy when the only reason I came home is because my mama died?”
Freddie took my face in his hands, dragging me down for a languid kiss. His tongue dipped into my mouth with what could only be described as adoration and reverence. When the kiss broke, he held my face, not letting me turn away. “If anything, I think your mama would be happy for you. I know you’ve heard it before, but it was really hard on her after you left. If there’s one thing I hate for you, it’s that you never got to see the way she changed because of you leaving.”
That was my greatest regret too. Maria and I talked a lot about how Mama stood up to Papa and how she’d been a champion for Maria being whoever Maria wanted to be.
“Boys, if you don’t get your butts down here right now, I’ll send Frankie up when he gets here and then you can explain to him why you’re running behind.” Freddie shuddered, obviously not quite ready for the entire family to know what was going on between us. I hated to break it to him, but I was pretty sure his brothers already figured it out.
“We’re on our way now, Mama,” I responded, quickly jumping back before either of us could start anything again. “Don’t look at me like that. We’re about to have five days alone with no interruptions.”
“What about your roommates?” The roommates thing had been a bit of a sticking point for Freddie. He liked his privacy and my current living arrangements didn’t really afford that.
“Like I told you before, we all pretty much keep to ourselves. We’re not roommates in the friend sense, it’s a matter of convenience so that we can all afford living in a prohibitively expensive city.”
I held out a hand and pulled Freddie off the bed, leading him to the stairs. As we rounded the corner into the kitchen, Mama and Sophia were deep in conversation about our nightly trips to the park after dinner. Mama looked up, offering me an approving smile before turning her attention back to her only granddaughter. “And he said we could go every night if I eat my dinner and help him clean the table and… and… and promise that I’ll go to bed when we get home,” she explained
Mama looked at me again, giving me a nod of approval. “Those sound like very good rules.”
The front door opened, and Frankie’s voice boomed through the lower floor. He stopped short when he noticed Freddie and me standing hip to hip, leaning against the counter. Without so much as a hello, he picked up his phone and dialed someone. As soon as they answered, he said, “Just so you know, bring cash to work. You owe me twenty bucks.”
Freddie stiffened next to me. “Please tell me you guys didn’t bet on my love life,” he grumbled. When he reached up to pinch the bridge of his nose, I leaned in and gently rubbed his back.
Frankie apparently found this amusing because he busted out laughing. “Don’t get all pissy with me. Remember, last year it was you and our brothers who figured out I was with Calvin because I wasn’t such a grumpy asshole.”
“Frankie, what your language,” Mama scolded. That got a small chuckle out of Freddie, so there was hope he wasn’t completely mortified by his brother knowing we were together. “And you will call Tony back and tell him he will absolutely not pay you because I taught you boys better than to make foolish bets. Gambling is a sin.” This time both brothers busted out in belly laughs while Sophia and I looked on, utterly confused.
“Mama, if you’re going to try that, maybe you should find someone who doesn’t know about your trips to the casino.”
I checked the time on my watch, realizing we were going to miss our train if we didn’t hurry. After a quick round of goodbyes and extra hugs and kisses for both of us from Sophia, we followed Frankie out to Freddie’s car.
Once Frankie slid into the back seat, he leaned in between Freddie and me. “I’m happy for you, man. Not going to lie and say it wasn’t a surprise but if Peter’s who you want to be with I’m sure I speak for the entire family when I say you have our blessing.”
“Gee thanks,” Freddie scoffed. “Because I was really losing sleep at night wondering if my family would approve of my choice of boyfriends.”
“That’s not what I meant and you damn well know it.” Frankie smacked Freddie on the shoulder before placing a hand on mine. “I don’t know what happened that made you leave when we were kids, but I hope you know if you try disappearing again and hurt my brother and my niece you’ll have all four of us on your ass.”
I had no doubt of that. I also knew I’d been losing sleep at night trying to find a way to avoid hurting either of them. It hadn’t taken me long to realize offering to be Freddie’s test subject had been a huge mistake. I’d worried about him getting too emotionally invested while ignoring my own heart.
“Frankie, butt out,” Freddie barked, wringing his hands around the steering wheel so tightly I wasn’t surprised it didn’t break. “For all you know, I’ll be the one to leave him. Remember, it takes two to make a relationship work and it takes two to make a relationship fail. Isn’t that what Papa always told us?”
“I get that, but you can’t fault me for watching out for you. We all turned the other way when that bitch ex of yours pulled her shit. We’re not letting that happen again.”
I startled at the venom with which Frankie spoke about his ex-sister-in-law. It wasn’t that I disagreed with his assessment of her, but I’d only heard one side of the story. Before the brothers could break into a brawl at the stoplight, I interrupted their bickering. “Frankie I can’t promise we’ll live happily ever after, but I can tell you I’ll do everything in my power to take good care of both of them. I told Freddie this morning that I’m in love with him and I meant it. That’s something I’ve only said to two other people in my life outside of family.”
“And what happened with them?” Frankie pried when I didn’t offer any additional details.
“I swear to God, if you don’t quit right fucking now, I’m going to pull this car over and beat you,” Freddie warned. I put a hand on his arm to calm him, but he shrugged me off. “Seriously, man, I appreciate the overprotective act, but this isn’t some random fling. It’s not a midlife crisis for me. There’s a lot of shit none of you know about Peter and me and it’s going to stay that way. Neither of us have to explain shit to you, but it’d be really nice if you could shut up and be happy for us.”
“I am.” Frankie sounded contrite. “And I want to have faith that it’ll all work out in the end, but you have to admit things are moving pretty fast.”
“If you count the years neither of us admitted to the other what we felt, we’re actually moving at a snail’s pace,” Freddie pointed out. I glanced over my shoulder and chuckled at Frankie’s stunned expression. “Both of us were keeping secrets when we were kids. If either of us had the balls to be honest, maybe everything would’ve turned out differently.”
“But then you wouldn’t have Sophia, so I’d say life turned out exactly as it was supposed to,” I interrupted, more to get his mind on something more positive than anything else.
Traffic was surprisingly light on the way to the train station, and before the brothers could get into it again, Freddie pulled up in front of the doors. Frankie beat both of us to the trunk and pulled out our suitcases. He gave his brother a tight hug, whispering something I couldn’t make out, then turned to me.
“Take care of him,” Frankie warned me again. Freddie mumbled something about wishing his family trusted him to take care of himself, but we both ignored him. This was my one shot to prove I respected Frankie as the de facto head of the family now that their Papa was gone. “That bitch did a real number on him, but he’s been better since you’ve been around. That tells me you’re a good guy and I’m willing to trust both o
f you when you say there’s shit we don’t know about the past. Maybe someday, when you’re ready, you can explain it to the rest of us.”
“In time, I’m sure it will all come out,” I told him. That seemed to be a satisfactory answer and Frankie gave me a quick hug as well. “Thanks for being protective of him. It’s good to know he has a family who gives a damn.”
“You’re part of the family, too,” Frankie reminded me. “You were even before the two of you started shacking up.”
“Thanks. That means a lot.” The boarding call for our train came over the intercom system, so we said one last goodbye before heading in.
13
Freddie
We’d barely pulled out of the station when Peter dozed off, leaving me nothing better to do for a few hours than catch up on a book I’d been dying to read but never found the time for since Peter came to town. He used to tease me mercilessly for my voracious reading habit, but he never realized that’d always been an escape for me. The more anxious I felt, the deeper I fell into the fictional worlds created by others. Between the pages, there were no expectations, there was no Freddie Marino at all. It freed my mind.
Today, I needed to escape the lingering fear that this trip was going to be make or break our relationship. If everything went well, we’d have a future; if not, my return trip alone would become permanent. Peter’s absence in my life was something I couldn’t think about.
I nudged Peter, brushing the long hair away from his face as we neared the station. “Shit, how long was I out?”
“The entire trip.” I laughed when Peter leaned over me to look out the window. “I thought about waking you up, but you were pretty restless last night.”
“Thinking about everything I have to do before the job Monday,” he admitted. “You have to promise you won’t be scared off by me losing my shit repeatedly over the next few days. When I can’t sleep, I’ll move out to the living room so you can rest.”
