by F. Anstey
CHAPTER IX.
+Culchard is rather too Clever.+
SCENE--_The Burg Terrace at Nuremberg._ PODBURY _on a bench, grapplingwith the "Epitome of Spencer."_
PODB. (_reading aloud, with comments_). "For really to conceive theinfinite divisibility of matter is mentally to follow out the divisionsto infinity, and to do this would require infinite time." You're right_there_, old cock, and, as I haven't got it to spare, I won't troubleyou!--um--um ... "opposite absurdities"--"subjective modifications" ..."ultimate scientific ideas, then, are all representative of ideas thatcannot be comprehended." I could have told _him_ that. What bally rotthis Philosophy is--but I suppose I must peg away at it. Didn't she sayshe was sorry I didn't go in more for cultivating my mind? (_He looksup._) Jove, here she comes! and yes, there's that beggar Culchard withher! I thought he'd--how the dickens did he manage to----? I see what_he's_ after--thinks he'll cut me out--twice over--but he shan't thistime, if I can help it.
CULCH. (_to_ MISS HYPATIA PRENDERGAST). No, the Modern Spirit is tooearnestly intent upon solving the problems of existence to toleratehumour in its literature. Humour has served a certain purpose in itsday, but that day is done, and I for one cannot pretend to regret itsdecay.
MISS H. P. Nor I. In fact, the only humour I ever _really_ appreciatedis that of the ancient classics. There has been no true fun sinceAristophanes died. At least, _I_ think not.
PODB. (_catching the last sentence_). Oh, I say, come, Miss Prendergast.Have you ever read _The Jumping Frog_?
MISS P. I was under the impression that _all_ frogs jumped. But I neverread--I--ah--_study_.
PODB. (_declining to be crushed_). Well, I call Mark Twain funny anyhow.But _I'm_ going in for study now. I am--honour bright! I'm swotting upSpencer--look! [_He exhibits the volume proudly._
PODBURY GRAPPLING WITH THE EPITOME OF SPENCER.]
MISS P. And are you not enchanted by the logical lucidity of that greatthinker?
PODB. Um--I should be more enchanted if I ever had the faintest notionwhat the great thinker was driving at. Look here--here's a simple littlesentence for you! (_Reads._) "Let us therefore bear in mind thefollowing:--That of the whole incident force affecting an aggregate, theeffective force is that which remains after deducting the non-effective,that the temporarily effective and the permanently effective varyinversely, and that the molar and molecular changes wrought by thepermanently effective force also vary inversely." (_With pathos._) Andthat's only in an _Epitome_, mind you!
MISS P. Really, Mr. Podbury, I see nothing particularly incomprehensiblein that.
CULCH. (_with his superior smile_). My dear Podbury, you can hardlyexpect to master the Spencerian phraseology and habit of thought withoutat least _some_ preliminary mental discipline!
PODB. (_nettled_). Oh--but _you_ find him plain-sailing enough, Isuppose?
CULCH. I have certainly not encountered any insuperable difficulties inhis works as _yet_.
PODB. Well, I'll just trouble you to explain _this_--wait a bit. (_Opensvolume again._) Ah, here we are--"And these illusive and primordialcognitions, or pseud-ideas, are homogeneous entities which may bedifferentiated objectively or subjectively, according as they arepresented as Noumenon or Phenomenon. Or, in other words, they are onlycognoscible as a colligation of incongruous coalescences." Now then--areyou going to tell me you can make head or tail of all that?
CULCH. (_perceiving that_ MISS P. _is awaiting his reply in manifestsuspense_). It's simple enough, my dear fellow, only I can't expect_you_ to grasp it. It is merely a profound truth stated with masterlyprecision.
PODB. Oh, is _that_ all, my dear fellow? (_He flings up his heels in anecstasy._) I _knew_ I'd have you! Why, I made that up myself as I wentalong, and if _you_ understand it, it's a jolly sight more than _I_ do!
[_He roars with laughter._
MISS P. (_behind her handkerchief_). Mr. Culchard has evidently gonethrough the--the "preliminary mental discipline."
CULCH. (_scarlet and sulky_). Of course, if Mr. Podbury descends tochildishness of that sort, I can't pretend to----
PODB. (_wiping his eyes_). But you _did_ pretend, old chap. You said itwas "profound truth" and "masterly precision"! I've got more profoundtruth where _that_ came from. I say, I shall set up as an intellectualJohnny after this, and get you to write an Epitome of me. I think Ipulled your leg _that_ time, eh?
CULCH. (_biting his lip_). When you have extracted sufficiententertainment from that very small joke, you will perhaps allow MissPrendergast to sit down and begin her sketch. You may not be aware thatyou've taken her place.
[_He withdraws majestically to the parapet, while_ PODBURY _makes way for_ MISS P. _with apologies._
PODB. (_as he leans over seat while she sketches_). I wish your brotherBob had been here--he would have enjoyed that!
MISS P. It was really too bad of you, though. Poor Mr. Culchard!
PODB. He shouldn't try to make me out a bigger duffer than I am, then.But I say, you don't _really_ think it was too bad? Ah, you're_laughing_--you don't!
MISS P. Never mind what I really think. But you have got us both intosad disgrace. Mr. Culchard is dreadfully annoyed with us--look at his_shoulders_!
CULCH. (_leaning over parapet with his back to them_). That _ass_Podbury! To think of his taking me in with an idiotic trick like that!And before Her too! And when I had made it all right about the otherevening, and was producing an excellent impression on the way up here. Iwish I could hear what they are whispering about--more silly jokes at myexpense, no doubt. Bah! as if it affected _me_!
PODB. (_to_ MISS P.). I say, how awfully well you draw!
MISS P. There you betray your ignorance in Art matters. Sketching withme is a pastime, not a serious pursuit. (_They go on conversing in alower tone._) No, _please_, Mr. Podbury. I'm quite sure he wouldnever----
PODB. (_rises; comes up to_ CULCHARD, _and touches his shoulder_). Isay, old chappie----
CULCH. (_jerking away with temper_). Now, look here, Podbury. I'm not inthe mood for any more of your foolery----
PODB. (_humbly_). All right, old boy. I wouldn't bother you, only MissPrendergast wants a figure for her foreground, and I said I'd ask you ifyou'd keep just as you are for a few minutes. Do you mind?
CULCH. (_to himself_). Afraid she's gone too far--thinks she'll smoothme down! Upon my word, it would serve her right to--but no, I won't bepetty. (_Aloud._) Pray tell Miss Prendergast that I have no immediateintention of altering my position.
PODB. Thanks awfully, old chap. I knew you'd oblige.
CULCH. (_incisively_). I am obliging Miss Prendergast, and her only.(_Raising his voice, without turning his head._) Would you prefer me to_face_ you, Miss Prendergast?
MISS P. (_in tremulous tones_). N--no, thank you. It--it's so much moren--natural, don't you know, for you to be l--looking at the view.
CULCH. As you please. (_To himself._) Can't meet my eye. Good! I shallgo on treating her distantly for a little. I wonder if I lookindifferent enough from behind? Shall I cross one foot? Better not--shemay have begun sketching me. If she imagines I'm susceptible to feminineflattery of this palpable kind, she'll----how her voice shook, though,when she spoke. Poor girl, she's afraid she offended me by laughing--andI _did_ think she had more sense than to--but I mustn't be too hard onher. I'm afraid she's already beginning to think too much of--and withmy peculiar position with Miss Trotter--(Maud, that is)--not thatthere's anything definite at present, still----(_Aloud._) Ahem, MissPrendergast--am I standing as you wish? (_To himself._) She doesn'tanswer--too absorbed, and I can't hear that idiot--found he hasn'tscored so much after all, and gone off in a huff, I expect. So much thebetter! What a time she is over this, and how quiet she keeps! I wish Iknew whether it was coquetry or--shall I turn round and see? No, I mustbe perfectly indifferent. And she _did_ laugh at me. I distinctly sawher. Still, if she's sorry, this would be an excellent opportunityfor--(_Aloud._) Miss Prendergast! (_No reply----louder._) May I take itthat you regret having
been betrayed into momentary approbation of amiserable piece of flippancy? If so, let me assure you--(_Turnsround--to discover that he is addressing two little flaxen haired girlsin speckled pinafores, who are regarding him open-mouthed._ MISSPRENDERGAST _and_ PODBURY _have disappeared._) Podbury _again_! He musthave planned this--with _her_! It is too much. I have done--yes--donewith the pair of them! [_Strides off in bitter indignation._
