My Guardian Knight

by Lynette Marie

  “Amanda?” he asked, touching her shoulder.

  She jumped with a gasp, a scream just seconds from escaping her lips. When she realized who had called her she took a deep, calming breath and closed her eyes.

  “Are you all right?” he asked.

  “Fine,” she said with false brightness. “I’m just fine. Maybe a little tired, that’s all.”

  “You seem upset about something. Would you like to talk about it?”

  “No, really, I’m fine. I suppose I stayed up too late last night.”

  His smile was gentle as it lit upon her. “Why don’t you try to sleep some. I can keep an eye on Matthew.”

  She nodded and laid her head back against the seat, wondering vaguely when she had come to trust him so completely that she would entrust her son to him. With a sigh, she drifted into dreamland.

  Sebastian watched Amanda as she slept. Tenderness spread through him at the sight of her and he knew he’d like nothing more than to protect her from whatever it was that troubled her. Her actions seemed to tell him that she may be in more trouble than he’d first suspected. The way she watched everyone, suspicion evident in her eyes, conveyed to him the fact that she was running from someone. The dejected slump to her shoulders and sadness in her eyes made him think she didn’t have much hope of outrunning her aggressor.

  What would it be like to see her pretty smile on a regular basis, without the guarded look in her deep brown doe eyes? To see those eyes shine with happiness? Would the almost black color lighten to a warm chocolate brown?

  Every time she turned her gaze on him he felt as if he’d been punched in the gut. Since this was something he’d never experienced before, he was unsure how to handle it. If he offered his help too soon, he might very well scare her off. On the other hand, if he waited too long, his help might come too late.

  The woman was an enigma. He prided himself on being a good judge of character, and all his instincts told him that Amanda was a good person. But he couldn’t quite read her as well as he could read most people. It was as if she held her true personality back and only allowed a portion of herself to show. Sebastian was very interested in finding out what the real Amanda Darcy was like.

  He yawned and glanced toward Matthew, who had fallen asleep against his mother’s arm. With a thankful sigh, he let his own head sink back and fell fast asleep.

  Amanda woke up, for the first time in years, feeling peaceful and refreshed. Her sleep-dulled mind grasped to find the reason for this unfamiliar feeling, and she smiled as she turned her head and realized it was pillowed upon Sebastian’s hard arm. So that was it, she thought dreamily, Sebastian’s calming presence. Since he was still asleep, she laid her head gently on his shoulder for a moment, glorying in the feel of having someone else beside her. With him here, she didn’t feel so alone, so desperately lonely.

  With a sigh she sat up and glanced at Matthew, who was still sound asleep. Through the window she could see rain pouring down in torrents from a dark gray sky. A furious wind whipped the trees this way and that like strings of limp spaghetti. A fitting way to resume her trip to St. Louis, she thought ruefully. Just as she was considering dozing off again, a jerk beside her brought her up short. Sebastian’s head was thrashing from side to side and he was mumbling ferociously. The scowl on his face could have frightened the devil himself, and his muscles were rock hard with tension. Amanda couldn’t understand what he was saying, but she got the feeling this was more than just a bad dream. She watched him in confusion for a while, uncertain what she could do to help him. Finally in sympathy she laid her hand on his arm. Immediately he sat up straight and turned to her, his blue eyes wild. She gasped involuntarily and he turned away from her.

  She didn’t say anything, unsure whether or not he was still asleep. His thrashing had quieted, and he sat still as stone, staring straight ahead. Amanda laid her hand on his, and he looked at her then, the wildness gone from his eyes but replaced with an infinite sorrow that brought tears to her own eyes. “I had the dream, didn’t I?” he asked quietly.

  Amanda said nothing, but gazed at him through eyes full of understanding. She didn’t need to confirm what had happened, he already knew. “Would you like to talk about it?” He shook his head, daring a look at the people around him and found to his great relief that most of them were asleep and unaware of the demons that plagued him. He sighed, running a hand through his hair. Every time he thought he was over the guilt the dream came again, reminding him of the horrible thing he had done. He would never be free of it.

  Never. His conscience would not allow it.

  “Sebastian?”

  His eyes found hers reluctantly. Out of all the people aboard why did it have to be Amanda who witnessed his nightmare? She’d certainly think less of him now.

  “Talk to me,” she urged in a quiet voice. “Tell me what happened so you can free the demons that torment you.” A dark, fierce look came over his handsome face, his eyes burning into hers. “I’ll not tell you, Amanda, of the horrible, unforgivable things I have done,” he said hoarsely. “When our paths part in St. Louis, I’d rather you still think of me with fondness.”

  “I know you, Sebastian. You are a kind, understanding man and I’m sure that nothing you tell me would make me believe otherwise.

  “Was it the war?” she asked softly.

  Sebastian swallowed over the lump in his throat, his hands beginning to shake as he realized he couldn’t stop himself from speaking. He started in a low voice, tight with tension and pain. He stared straight ahead, unable to meet her gaze.

  “When I was five years old I left Mississippi and went to live with my Grandma. My parents had never had much interest in me and so it was the logical choice, I guess. My father was a very strict military man who cared about nothing but his career and keeping the appearance of a wealthy military officer. My mother was only concerned with what his money could buy her. So they shipped me off to Grandma’s house, which was probably the only good thing they ever did for me. They visited me once when I was eleven, but other than that they stayed away.

  “Grandma was wonderful. She was my father’s mother and appalled at the way I had been treated. I think she tried to make up for them by trying extra hard to make me feel special. Under her influence, I learned how to be kind and thoughtful, for she was always lending a helping hand to anyone who needed one.” A small smile touched his lips. “As I grew up I became involved with one of the girls from town. Misty spent so much time at our place Grandma practically adopted her. We planned to be married, but then the war started and I felt it was my duty to join. Having lived in Illinois most of my life I felt no kinship to my southern roots and so I fought for what I believed in. I fought for the Union.

  Misty swore she’d wait for me.

  “I spent long, hard years in the Army. Everything you can imagine from wet, freezing temperatures to sweltering heat. Sometimes we ate, sometimes we went without. I was obsessed, in those days, with beating the pants off the south. I don’t know what happened to me in those years, but I didn’t simply want to win. I wanted to beat them into the ground and I did everything I could to see that that happened. I always knew, in the back of my mind, that my father was out there somewhere. That someday we may come together at opposite ends of a battlefield. That never happened.

  “Right after I was promoted to Captain I was wounded at Gettysburg and sent home to recuperate. It took a few months to regain my strength, and I was ready to return to battle. This was something I was good at, pulverizing the other troops. So you can imagine my anger when I was informed I would be stationed in Alton, Illinois, my hometown. I appealed to every superior officer I could find, but I was not allowed to return to battle.

  “So I reported to the Confederate prison in Alton and immediately hated it. The walls were gray with dirt and grime, no splash of color anywhere but the American Flag, which of course was hated by the prisoners.

  “The prison smelled worse than anything I could describe
to you. Even the breezes coming off the Mississippi River couldn’t alleviate the stench. Disease ran rampant and smallpox was feared by each and every one of us. During one such epidemic many of the infected prisoners were taken to a small island on the Mississippi in an attempt to control the spreading.

  “The worst part for me came one evening when a group of rebels were brought in. I inspected them as I always did and looked up to see my father standing before me. He was extremely thin and his uniform was torn to shreds. Still, that damned triumphant look was in his eyes. The same look he’d always given me as a child. ’You’ll never be as good as me, boy,’ he used to say.

  “For a moment I was dumbfounded, but then I continued my inspection as if I’d never met him. I remember he laughed coldly. ’Joined up with the Yanks did you, boy? I should have expected as much. Never could count on you to do the right thing.’ Still I ignored him and sent him to a cell. “From that day forward my life was a living hell. He did everything he could to make me miserable, as if I hadn’t been already. Any time I walked by he’d call out obscenities at me. There was no way I could avoid him because I was in charge of guarding that side of the prison. The longer he was there the more trouble he caused. He yelled and hollered and got the other rebs riled up. They had to be subdued daily. Every day I dreaded being on duty and every night I was so exhausted and angry all I could do was fall into bed and pray for sleep that never came.

  “One day I was headed down to stop the commotion that by now was commonplace when I heard someone shout ‘escapee’. I drew my weapon as I turned and shot the man down off the wall exactly as I’d been trained to do. I meant only to graze his shoulder to bring him down, but he’d taken a final desperate leap and the bullet penetrated his chest. As I ran over to the fallen soldier, I couldn’t believe my eyes. I stopped before him, my gun falling from my nerveless hands into the holster. I stared. I couldn’t help it. On his last breath he opened his cold eyes and sneered at me. ‘Never could do

  anything right, could you, boy?’

  “I was stunned. I had single-handedly killed my own father.

  “The next day we received word that the war was over. I was awarded a commendation for preventing an escape and was honorably discharged. I went home to Grandma and

  Misty and expected life to return to normal.”

  Sebastian laughed ruefully. “I should have known better than to think four years in the Army in active wartime wouldn’t change me. I wasn’t happy anymore. I was restless and pursued by the guilt of what I had done. I tried to work out my demons by plowing Grandma’s fields and raising crops. I succeeded and made her a pretty penny but I still didn’t feel any better. Misty had changed in the long years I had been gone. True to her word, she had waited for me. But she was as miserable in our small hometown as I was. She came to me one night and told me she was moving to a big city because she wanted to be a dancer. Knowing it would be the last time we’d be together our emotions got the better of us and we… well, we were intimate. She left the next morning and I left shortly after that, thinking that if I became a lawman

  I could do some good for the world and somehow by performing good deeds I could free myself of my guilt. I visited Grandma as often as I could so she wouldn’t be lonely. But then she took in an orphan and she got along fine without me, too. Of course I still visited, but not near as often, and the last time I was there she was ill. I stayed with her until she passed away, and I know she knew how much I loved her, but the guilt of not being there more for her was hard to take. So I decided to get my life in order, leave my job, and take over her small farm in Illinois.”

  Sebastian chuckled, still not looking at her. “And

  there you have it. My life story.”

  Amanda was speechless. She had no idea what to say to him. What do you say to a man who views himself as a failure? She placed her hand on his arm. “Sebastian, none of this is your fault. You’ve done the best you could and, given the situations you’ve been in, you’ve done quite well.”

  Sebastian took a deep breath and held it for a moment, releasing it slowly through his lips. When he turned toward her, his eyes were bright. “I don’t know what came over me. I have never told another living soul what I’ve just told you. Not Grandma, not Misty, not anyone. I swore to myself I never would.” He grasped her hand. “Thank you for listening and not hating me for the things I’ve done.”

  “Oh, Sebastian,” she said softly, feeling a deep tenderness for him. “No one hates you but yourself. You did what had to be done, and sometimes there are consequences that are unforeseen. But believe me when I say that it takes a strong man to do what he has to do and still be able to function afterward. I don’t hate you. I admire you.”

  He bent his head, clutching Amanda’s hand to his solid chest. Needing to give him comfort, she laid her head against his shoulder and squeezed his hand. And this was how Matthew found them when he woke from his nap.

  CHAPTER FOUR

  The interminable hours on the train ticked away slowly for the trio headed for St. Louis. For Amanda, the monotony was broken by only two things: one, searching the faces of all the new passengers; and two, conversation with Sebastian and her new friends, Justin and Sharon Mahoney. Amanda was surprised to see the couple from the gunfight at the festival aboard the same train. They had struck up a quick friendship and were finding that they had much in common.

  Since his confession, Sebastian and Amanda felt a bond growing between them that neither of them wanted to admit. Once they reached St. Louis, they would go their separate ways and very likely never see each other again. Neither one wanted to make the parting more difficult than it already would be. So why did they say nothing when the Mahoneys assumed they were a married couple?

  Amanda found herself relaxing a bit with Sebastian always there beside her, finding comfort and security in him. This man was special, she realized more and more with each day that passed. He had strength, in mind and in body, which she greatly admired. But he also possessed a sensitive nature that allowed him to interact with her son on a child’s level. He was amazing, this lawman that she had been so afraid of when they’d met. Now, she didn’t know what she’d do without him. Amanda had never had someone make her feel safe and secure, and she was finding that she’d sorely miss it when it was gone.

  In her dreams, Sebastian was there for her to lean on, to take comfort from, and, well, she blushed to think what else he was there for. But only in her dreams could she let him get that close to her. Only in her dreams could she allow herself to depend on another person for anything. Because no matter how strong, sensitive, and understanding Sebastian was, he was still a lawman. And she was still a woman on the run.

  Amanda glanced at her sleeping son curled up on Sebastian’s lap, one arm around his waist and the other clutching his horse. The lawman met her gaze and smiled.

  She turned her head before he could see the tears fall.

  And so, one by one, the days finally passed. Amanda could hardly believe it when they pulled into the station in St. Louis. She was down to two dollars and fifty cents, and she shuddered to think what would have happened to them if Sebastian hadn’t helped them so much. She would miss him. Never in her life had she missed anyone, but she knew without a doubt that she would miss him. His quiet confidence always made her feel safe, and now she would have to return to doing everything herself.

  And yet, a part of herself was also looking forward to her new position as governess for the Richardsons. She always preferred being a governess rather than a maid. There were many more privileges with such a job, and she thoroughly enjoyed working with children and giving Matthew someone to play with.

  The trio left the train together, Amanda treading carefully to make sure she wasn’t being watched. They stepped out of the station into the brilliant sunshine and she gasped at her first view of St. Louis. She had seen big cities before, but nothing compared to these large buildings vaulting toward the sky. It was magnificent!
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br />   Sebastian turned to her reluctantly. “I guess this is where we say goodbye.”

  Amanda looked into his bright blue eyes. “Yes, I suppose it is. I want to thank you for all you’ve done to help us—”

  He put his finger to her soft pink lips. “I have done nothing. You have allowed me to exorcise my demons and let go of some of the guilt I’ve been carrying all these years. I can’t even begin to thank you.”

  They stared at one another for so long that Matthew became restless and pulled on Sebastian’s sleeve. “C’mon,

  ‘Bastian, I’m hungry. Let’s have lunch.”

  “Well, maybe we could—”

  “No,” Amanda shook her head firmly. “This is

  difficult enough. Prolonging it will only make it harder.”

  His disappointment was evident, but he agreed with her. Bending down, he hugged Matthew to him. “I’ve had fun with you, Squirt. Take care of your mother, okay? She needs someone strong like you to help her.”

  Tears shone in Matthew’s eyes. “Where are you going, ’Bastian?”

  His eyes met Amanda’s, shock registering with the knowledge that neither one of them had thought to tell the child they would be parting company. His heart squeezed painfully as the boy’s arms clutched his neck, his little voice begging him not to go.

  Firmly, Sebastian set Matthew from him. “You have to be strong, Matthew. I’ll miss you as much as you’ll miss me, but your mother and I are going to different places. Don’t worry, maybe I can visit sometimes. My home isn’t too far from here.”

  This seemed to satisfy him somewhat, and Sebastian stood up and took Amanda in his arms. He bent down and kissed her soft, sweet lips, turned quickly, and walked away without looking back.

  Taking a moment to recover herself, Amanda took her pouting son by the hand and led him to the hotel she was supposed to report to before going on to the Richardsons’ house. She pushed back her sadness at the loss of Sebastian and walked up to the desk with a smile. “Hello. My name is Amanda Darcy and I’m to work for the Richardsons. You have an envelope with my instructions, I believe?”