My Guardian Knight
Page 16
She could hear him breathing behind her, and tears clogged her throat, but she bravely fought them down. You’ll have the rest of your life to cry over him, she reasoned, there’s no need to start now.
Sebastian didn’t know what to say. He had absolutely no hope anymore that she might remain with him. He was afraid that he’d already lost her. He knew how preoccupied she’d been this week, and he knew that she was thinking it was time to leave. He’d try his best to convince her to stay, at least for the rest of the year, but he’d be damned if he’d rush the subject. She was struggling with herself, and he’d just let her struggle and hope that she changed her mind.
She turned around to face him, her eyes bright.
“Sebastian—”
He swallowed thickly, turning to leave. “I have work to do out—”
A touch to his arm stopped him, and reluctantly he looked at her, hoping all the misery he felt wasn’t written on his features. Her eyes were like dark, melted chocolate, swimming with tears and wide with pain. He could tell she was having a hard time finding the words she needed to say.
He loved her. He didn’t want to see her suffer.
“You’re leaving,” he rasped.
She nodded, her throat convulsing.
“But you promised to stay a year. I fulfilled my promise to you, Amanda. What about your promise to me?” I don’t want you to go, he thought.
“Oh, Sebastian,” she sighed, “it just didn’t take a year. The entire town knows what a wonderful father you are, and no one would dare take Marissa away from you,” her voice cracked at her beloved little girl’s name. She gave him a watery smile. “Mrs. Amos would never allow it, anyway.” I love you, Amanda; don’t leave me, he wanted to say.
So tempting was the thought of dropping to his knees and begging her to marry him that for a moment he could concentrate on nothing but resisting the urge. He had asked her to stay. She had refused. Why, then, did she look so miserable?
“Are you sure you wouldn’t like to stay longer?
Amanda, I know you are able to make it on your own, but you
are welcome to stay here as long as you like.”
His words caused her throat to constrict with tears. Tell me you love me, she begged silently. Tell me that you don’t want me to go and I’ll stay with you forever! I need to know that you want me. No one has ever wanted me.
She shook her head, feeling as though it weighed a ton. “You and I both know it’s time. Both of our promises have been kept. If there is no reason for me to remain here, I must get on with my life, and you must get on with yours. The longer we put it off the harder it will be—for the children,” she added.
He took her hand in his, tracing a path on the palm. “Amanda,” he whispered, looking deep into her eyes and shaking his head, “you’re already gone. You’ve been moving around here for days, in some sort of trance, and I’ve known what was going through your mind. If you think you need to go, then, by all means, do so.” He turned on his heel and strode out the door, letting it slam shut behind him.
Amanda didn’t know how long she stood there, staring, thinking it might not be all that bad to stay with a man who didn’t love her, but at least, liked her.
And then she came to her senses.
That night, after the children were tucked snugly in bed, Sebastian came to Amanda in the bedroom. They stared at each other for long moments and then, she never even knew how it happened, she was in his arms. He was kissing her neck, her cheeks, her eyelids, licking her lips lingeringly, nibbling on the soft flesh beneath her ear.
Amanda clung to him, desperate to have this one last night, hoping against hope that he would suddenly realize that he couldn’t live without her. She ran her fingers through his hair, up and down his muscular back, rained kisses on his hard, solid chest that she so loved. I love you, she repeated over and over again in her mind, praying that, on some level, he would hear her and reciprocate.
Sebastian lifted her in his arms, kissing her deeply, until she felt as if she were a permanent part of him. Her mind reeled, she could think of nothing but Sebastian and how she would do anything, give anything, if only this night would last forever. If only she could make him fall in love with her.
They fell onto the bed, still locked in a passionate embrace, still lost in a pretend world where anything is possible.
Still wishing the other might one day fall in love with them.
Still blind to the fact that their one wish had already been granted.
Amanda cried out as he brought her to the very peak of pleasure, holding him as if she never planned to let him go. And as they spiraled down from the height they had taken each other to, they sought sleep to escape the very depressing depth of reality.
But sleep was as elusive as their dreams.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
Amanda stood just outside the door, two small suitcases on the ground beside her, her arm around Matthew’s shoulders. Matthew clutched his horse in his arms, his sad eyes locked on Sebastian. Sebastian and Marissa stood just inside the door, their faces partially shaded. They had already said goodbye, hugging the children tightly and promising them a forever love that was comfortless when they knew they would never meet again.
“Are you sure I can’t give you a ride to town?”
Sebastian asked, his voice thick.
Amanda shook her head quickly. “No. I couldn’t bear to say goodbye again.”
He nodded, making no attempt to reply. Marissa burst into tears and ran into the house, and Matthew looked at the adults with large, confused eyes that seemed much too old for his young little body. He said nothing, but took his mother’s hand and the smaller suitcase and began the walk to town.
They trudged on in silence, Amanda fighting tears and Matthew learning that life is full of disappointment and pain. She refused to show her anguish to her son and tried to talk brightly, but the dull look in his eyes quieted her. What a mess you’ve made of your life, Amanda. Now you’ve not only hurt yourself but your precious son, too. And probably the only daughter you’ll ever have. Just turn around, throw your pride away, and ask Sebastian if you can stay. Just do it!
But she knew she couldn’t. He meant too much to her. If she couldn’t be Sebastian’s love then she didn’t want to be his anything. Maybe it was selfish, maybe it was needlessly punishing her innocent son, but that was the way it had to be.
For once in her life, she wanted it all. But she really wanted to have it, not merely pretend that she had it like she’d been doing all these months. There was no easy solution. He didn’t love her, and she could not accept anything less from him. Maybe one day she would regret leaving. Well, if she were honest with herself, she would have to admit that she already regretted it. But she’d been left no other choice.
Amanda hadn’t thought about the way people would react to her in town. Of course, no one knew she was leaving, but she hadn’t counted on having to talk to anyone. Wouldn’t it just figure that she’d run into Mrs. Amos just before she reached the stagecoach depot?
“Mrs. Knight! How lovely to see you!” She had to clench her teeth to keep the tears from falling when she heard Mrs. Amos call her. Never again would she hear herself coupled with Sebastian in that way. Reluctantly, she turned and planted a smile on her pale face. “How are you today, Mrs. Amos?”
“I’m quite well. Why do you have those bags? Are you leaving town for a while?”
Amanda nodded. She didn’t know what Sebastian would tell their neighbors about her after she’d gone, but she’d just have to play it out the best she could right now. “We’re taking a trip,” she said, trying not to lie.
“How exciting. You do look a bit peaked though, dear, why don’t you come into the shop and I’ll fix you some nice hot tea.”
“No,” she said, much too quickly. “I’m sorry, Mrs. Amos, but we really need to catch the stagecoach.”
The older woman hugged her tightly. “I’ll miss you while you’re gone.”
And with those words, she grabbed Matthew’s hand and raced to the stagecoach, oblivious to the many people who waved and threw smiles her way.
She climbed in and took a seat, holding Matthew closely against her to provide what comfort she could, and watched out the window, as Alton became a tiny blotch on the horizon.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
Sebastian turned slowly into the house as Amanda walked determinedly away. He glanced at John, who was sitting at the table. “Marissa?” he asked solemnly.
John shook his head slowly. “She hasn’t come out of her room, and she won’t let me come in.” He stood, slapping a hand on Sebastian’s shoulder. “If I were you, my friend, I wouldn’t let such a good woman get away. Who knows if you’ll ever find another who can fill your heart like that one.” He strode out the door.
Sebastian walked to the bedroom door and opened it, leaning against the doorjamb and watching his tiny daughter. She was lying on her stomach on the bed, her face turned toward the window, her small body convulsing with sobs. She wouldn’t acknowledge his presence, but he knew she was
aware of him. “Marissa, do you want to talk about it?”
“No, Papa. Please just leave me alone.”
He didn’t move, but stayed where he was for a long time, staring at Marissa and thinking of Amanda and Matthew. How could he have let it go this far? It was one thing to help someone, but did he have to make such a rotten mess of everything? Did he have to fall so completely in love with her? Maybe he should have begged her to stay, whether she wanted to or not. She would have done it, if not for him then for the children.
As the sun began to dip over the horizon and shadows darkened the cabin, Sebastian moved around lighting the candles, his mind a million miles away. Everywhere he looked he encountered memories of Amanda. She’d left a freshly baked pumpkin pie on the table along with enough bread for the rest of the week. There, before the fireplace, was the chair she sat in each and every evening. Her sewing basket was neatly placed next to it on the floor, a piece of cloth peeking from beneath the lid. He bent down in front of it, fingering the texture of the material, imagining her sitting happily with it in her lap while she made beautiful clothing out of the shapeless cloth.
He knocked softly at Marissa’s door. “Sweetheart, are you hungry?”
He personally felt as if he may never be hungry again, but with as small as Marissa was, she didn’t need to miss any meals. When he received no answer, he walked into the room to find her sound asleep, her pillow wet with tears. He smoothed the damp curls from her cheek and repositioned her pillow so she rested upon a dry spot. He sat down on the bed beside her, wanting to comfort her as much as he needed comfort. Tears burned his eyes, but he pushed them down ferociously. At least he still had Marissa. At least he wasn’t completely alone, even if he did feel as if he were.
Kissing her on the cheek, he went back out into the main room and stared out at the moonless night. What could he have done differently? He wondered where she was now. She must have been on the coach for hours by this time. He had held out a small hope that she would change her mind and come back, but he had to be honest with himself and admit that it was way too late for that.
She wasn’t coming back.
Sebastian felt as if his heart had been ripped from his chest and torn into tiny shreds right before his eyes, leaving nothing but a deep, dark void that filled his whole being. He would never be whole again. The thought of spending his entire life without her was earth shattering. But he had to be strong for Marissa. She needed to return to a somewhat normal lifestyle as soon as possible. He would do that for her.
He strode into the bedroom, planning on trying to sleep, but when his tired eyes encountered the bed and he realized he’d half expected to see her sitting in the middle of it, brushing her beautiful hair, he knew he’d get no sleep in here tonight. He shut the door firmly behind him as he left the room.
Feeling exhausted to the very core of his being, he sank down into Amanda’s chair and pulled the cloth from the sewing basket, bringing it up to his face. It smelled like her, all happiness and sunshine, and he smiled even as the knife twisted within his chest.
He leaned his head back, staring at the ceiling. It must be midnight by now, but he didn’t really care. She was gone, and right now, that was all that he could think about. It was all that mattered. How he wished their relationship had turned out differently. For a while, he had really thought that she was falling in love with him. She was so considerate, always making sure his clothes were clean, cooking special meals and baking desserts that she knew he would like, learning all his grandmother’s recipes. She had made his life worthwhile, for what had he had before? Marissa, of course, and he loved his daughter more than anything. But Amanda had made his life easy.
No, not easy, exactly. Comfortable, that was it. Comfortable and happy. When he was with her he forgot that he was a bitter war veteran. She made him a better person. Hadn’t she helped him make peace with his father’s memory? Hadn’t she taken the time to make each and every one of them feel special and loved?
Had he been blind all this time? Did she really love him? Maybe, through all the special things she had done for him, she had been trying to show him how she felt? Did she love him?
He sighed. Wishful thinking, Knight. You’d do better to start planning what you’ll make Marissa for breakfast. Poor girl hasn’t suffered enough, now she has to suffer through your cooking.
But try as he might, he couldn’t get rid of the thought that, maybe, he had just allowed something very special to slip through his fingers.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
The sun was just beginning to come up as Amanda awakened from a short doze. Matthew’s head was pillowed on her lap, her dress wet from the tears he had shed all night long. Thank goodness he had finally fallen asleep, he had cried so hard that hiccups had wracked his body for hours. He said nothing to her. Amanda wouldn’t have blamed him if he had screamed at her for taking away the only other person who had ever cared about him, but he was silent. Matthew didn’t need to speak; his expressive eyes said everything that needed to be said. Her heart went out to him, but she could think of nothing to ease his suffering.
She cuddled him closer to her, gently stroking his hair. She had never felt so wretched in her life. And there in the empty stagecoach, with Matthew asleep and unable to see her, she finally let go the flood of tears that had threatened for days. She sobbed quietly, careful not to disturb Matthew, and grieved for the life that she might have had with Sebastian and Marissa. She didn’t know how long she went on like that but, when her body was too exhausted to cry any more, she finally fell into a restless slumber.
Amanda heard the report of gunfire and jumped from sleep. Squinting at the sun, she guessed it was already past noon. Matthew looked up at her with terrified eyes. “What was that, Mama?”
“I don’t know, sweetheart.”
But she did know. She had heard that sound too many times not to recognize it. Her breathing accelerated, she tried to hide her fear from her son. Why would anyone be firing a gun way out here? There was only one reasonable answer she could think of—highway robbery.
Matthew tried to peek out the window, but she pulled him back against the seat. She could hear shouting and more gunfire and, suddenly, the stagecoach door was pulled open so furiously that it came completely off the hinges. The sight that met Amanda’s eyes was so outrageous that she had to blink twice before she could believe it.
Sebastian was outside the door, mounted on Ranger, looking at her with a fierceness that she had never seen on him before. His sandy hair had been blown wild from the racing winds, his handsome face was stubbled with the beginnings of a beard, and his usually bright blue eyes were as dark as storm cloud
s before a tornado. He stared at her for the longest time, and she could think of nothing to say. Indeed, she thought she was hallucinating. How could he be here?
Backing Ranger up a few feet, he dismounted in one fluid motion and strode up to the coach, bracing his hands on the jagged hole where the door had been. Still, he spoke no words, just gazed into her surprised eyes. A glance at Matthew showed the boy was too shocked to move, his little jaw dropped in awe. He winked at him and Matthew managed a small smile, but no hope shone in his disillusioned eyes.
Turning his attention back to Amanda, Sebastian found that now that he faced her, his carefully rehearsed speech sped from his mind and he drew a complete blank. All through his wild, nonstop ride while chasing the stagecoach he practiced what he should say to her, had thought of all the right words, but now all he could do is stare at her like some dimwit.
“Sebastian?” she asked softly.
Taking a deep breath, he dove in. “Amanda, I’ve come a long way in a very short time to try to persuade you to come home with me. Marissa is miserable, she won’t come out of her bedroom and she won’t eat a bite. I know you don’t love me, and—” he put a finger to her soft lips when she tried to speak, feeling white hot lightning shoot through his veins. “Please, don’t say anything until I’ve stated my case. I know you don’t love me right now, but if you’ll just come back to us and promise to stay until spring, if you’ll just give me one chance, I’m hoping that my love for you will be enough to make you want to stay forever.” He closed his eyes, whispering, “Please, Amanda, please say you’ll give me this one chance. If by the springtime you haven’t fallen in love with me, then I won’t ask you to stay. But I can’t imagine my life without you.”