Brave (Healer)

by April Smyth

  ‘What happens next?’ Oliver asks wistfully.

  What is he asking that for? What is he suggesting? I want to say I’m sorry, go to sleep and feel the safety of his touch. I don’t like the uncertainty in his voice. I know he is upset with me and worried about Gabe’s place in my life but surely he isn’t doubting us? I thought we were beyond this. Truthfully, I could not imagine my life without Oliver now. Losing Gabe was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do and I’m not sure I could face doing it again. I couldn’t take the loneliness, the empty nights or the rejection. I couldn’t go back to my family and start pretending to be normal again. I need Oliver in my life. I can’t imagine how quickly the nightmares would return if he left me.

  ‘What do you mean?’ I ask and I’m aware that my bottom lip is trembling hyperactively. Maurice is dead; the tears should have stopped.

  As I start to cry, Oliver beckons me to sit beside and pulls my body in tightly next to his. ‘I can’t be one of two men in your life when you’re the only one for me, Cassie,’ he says softly and brushes my hair gently even when he is hurting, when I am hurting him, he still finds it in his huge heart to reach out and comfort me and take my tears away. He can’t be throwing this away because he’s jealous.

  I wade through my pool of tears and say, ‘Oliver, what do you want me to do? Unmeet Gabe? I would if I could but I can’t help that he is in my life.’

  Oliver shakes his head. I know that’s not the answer he is looking for but I can’t lie to him and tell him I am willing to erase Gabe from my life. Gabe transformed me from the pitiful girl that I started this year as into the girl I am today. Would Oliver love the girl I used to be? Without Gabe, I wouldn’t be the Cassie he comforts and protects and loves.

  ‘Do you want to break up with me, Oliver? Do you want to end this?’ I ask.

  ‘No,’ he replies aghast. ‘I want to talk about this. That’s what people do, Cassie, they talk about their feelings instead of brushing them under the rug and hoping that eventually the tears and hurt will stop. They won’t just stop on their own.’

  ‘Do you think that’s what I do?’ I ask. If anyone sweeps their feelings out of sight it is Oliver, he can’t confront his demons either. He blames what he is for the death of his parent and so loathes himself to the core for being a werewolf yet he can never talk to me about that.

  ‘I think that’s what you used to do,’ he shrugs. ‘Until you met me.’

  I smile weakly. He’s right. I spent six months pretending to be normal in Ayrin. I feigned being happy for my pregnant stepmother, playing hide and seek with my brother and sister, going to school and applying to University, going on dates with a boy who cared deeply for me but I couldn’t muster up an ounce of emotion for in return. I was making believe that my life was good, that it was the life I wanted, but all the while I yearned for something else. I spent so much time pretending to live that I forgot how to do it.

  Then I found Oliver, bearded, handsome and wise Oliver, sitting in my bedroom one day and things changed entirely. Lying on his bed, laughing, talking about our lives, I was resuscitated from my endless slumber. I learned to stop living for my dad or for Gabe or in fear of Maurice, I learned to really enjoy the things that I was taking for granted. I went through the motions in Ayrin but Oliver taught me to realise how beautiful the simple pleasures in my life were: my morning run, fresh fruit for breakfast or having my lumpy body appreciated by another human being.

  ‘When all this is over, will you go back to not living?’

  ‘Only if I lose you,’ I sigh.

  Oliver gently squeezes my shoulder, ‘I don’t want that for you, Cass. I’ll never leave you if you don’t want me to but... I don’t want you to depend on me like you did with Gabe. I want you to be able to be happy on your own because you’re too amazing, too strong and brave, to need a man to make you complete.’

  I rest my head on his strong shoulder and stare into an uncertain future, ‘But I do need you.’

  Oliver laughs, ‘You needed him and look where you ended up. When the vampires are gone and you can sleep easy, I want you to be able to do that on your own because you deserve that.’

  Is he right? Is it wrong that I can’t sleep at night without his muscular arms encompassing me? I guess it is a sad story that an eighteen year old girl depends whole heartedly on a man to make her happy. Before Toulouse, before Gabe and Maurice, I believed that a woman should be strong and independent. She should chase after her dreams and a handsome knight on a white horse should never be her goal; he should just come along for the ride. When had Oliver, or Gabe, became my only desire in life? When did I lose my lust for life? I used to want to do things, travel, make something of my place other than Miracle Girl. Look what happened though when I tried to achieve my dream of meeting a vampire... Maybe I’m not destined to be one of those great women.

  ‘I just realised that when I saw how willing you were to risk your life for Gabe. I realised that you use other people as your crutch: it’s him, me, your dad, maybe even Rose. You can’t just be.’

  I don’t know how to ‘be’ without them and I can’t imagine why I would want to try. Life before them was isolating, dull and I feared I would never break the confines of being a freak in my hometown or never being able to live my life to the fullest then these wonderful, understanding, complex people entered my life and made me realise that this world isn’t so lonely after all.

  ‘I think I know what I have to do,’ Oliver looks worryingly serious.

  ‘What?’ my jaw is clenched with fear. There is no way he is breaking up with me! ‘I’m sorry about Gabe. I’ll try harder...’

  Oliver presses his finger against my lips to quieten me and says, ‘I think I need to go home for a while.’

  He is. I can’t believe he’s breaking up with me. Things were perfect between us. We just slept together today. He was my calm during the most tumultuous storm. I couldn’t survive it without him.

  ‘No!’ I shout then realise that everyone else in this apartment is fast asleep so begin to whisper, ‘No, Oliver, please don’t go. I won’t look or speak to Gabe ever again. You promised me!’

  Oliver shakes his head, ‘It’s not just about Gabe. I believe you, Cassie, I just want you to be happy on your own so we can be happy together, does that make sense? I don’t want to be your protector or your hero; I want to be your boyfriend.’

  I swallow my tears. I look at the waves of his tousled hair, his rough beard that covers the sharp angles of his jaw, his sumptuous, salty lips and my heart lurches. The last month with him has healed me more than my blood ever could and I’m not ready to say goodbye to him.

  ‘Why do you have to leave? I don’t want you to.’

  ‘I think it’ll be good for both of us, Cassie, I love you. We can spend the night together but I’ll leave in the morning,’ he says rationally. He speaks calmly and it’s infuriating because I feel every everything except calm. I don’t know whether to be sad because he is leaving or angry at him for abandoning me or happy that he said he wants to be my boyfriend and that he loves me or relieved that I will get some headspace to decide what I want to happen once we are all rid of the vampire infestation.

  ‘I...’

  ‘It is the best thing for everyone. These witches are smart, they will have you back in sunny Scotland in no time. Maybe you can celebrate Christmas with your family,’ he kisses my forehead. Thinking of my family and Christmas and home is like a kick in the stomach on top of the pain I’m feeling knowing that Oliver is leaving me.

  ‘But what if they don’t? I’ll have to spend Christmas alone,’ I whimper.

  ‘No, you won’t. Rose is here, so are the twins and, of course, there’s Gabe. There are so many people here that love you almost as much as I do.’

  ‘Almost as much,’ I make a noise somewhere between laughing and crying.

  ‘I’ll call you almost every day. I’m not abandoning you, Cassie, I just want you to learn to love yourself, see what
we all see when we look at you and think about what you want,’ Oliver says. ‘I don’t think you can do that with me here clouding your vision, don’t you agree?’

  Nothing is going to change his mind at this point so I wipe away a tear and follow him as he climbs under the bed covers and peels off his clothes. I snuggle into him and take care to drink in everything I love about him: his earthy smell, the heaviness of his breathing, the scratchiness of his beard.

  I fall into a dreamless sleep while lying in his arms but in the morning he is gone.

  TWENTY-TWO

  He is gone, his clothes are gone, there is no trace that he was ever here but he doesn’t leave my thoughts for a second. I miss his voice, I miss his hugs and kisses, I miss him so much that I don’t think I’ll last past the afternoon.

  At breakfast, Arrow and Rose discuss what has to be done now that Maurice is dead but there are still other vampires out there. A meeting is arranged for all the witches to discuss a plan at two o’clock. Meanwhile I distract myself by playing peekaboo with Cecilia before Garrett takes her for a walk to the park.

  ‘How are you feeling?’ Rose asks when Arrow steps away from the table to make her witchy tea. This is the first time either of them have addressed me this morning and I’ve been dreading the moment I’ll have to talk about Oliver’s departure with my friend.

  ‘Fine,’ I shrug. This morning is one of those rare occasions that I can’t bear to even eat. It isn’t often that I lose my appetite, normally it only increases in size when something bad happens but the bacon roll sitting in front of me turns my stomach. I miss having breakfast with Oliver and June. Things seemed simple then even though they were far from it.

  ‘I thought we could go shopping later on tonight,’ Rose says chirpily. I’m glad that over this year Rose had never lost her ability to make a dark situation seem bright and breezy but this morning it is almost as nauseating as the food. ‘I know you’re not exactly a shopaholic but New York is incredible.’

  ‘No thanks,’ I say sadly. ‘Rose, do you mind if I call my dad?’

  Oliver was right about one thing. Without him clouding my vision, I had time to think about what I wanted and right now, with the garish Christmas decorations staring at me, I needed to speak to my family. I wonder if my blood succeeded in healing Shannon’s cancer. I shudder thinking about the turmoil my family have been enduring. I wonder how baby Lily is settling into our weird, but wonderful, family. I’m missing valuable time with my new sister, I should be watching her grow and bond with her.

  ‘I know you say it’s dangerous to get them involved with my whereabouts but Maurice is gone, surely one phone call can’t hurt? I won’t tell them where I am. I just want to hear their voices,’ I explain to Rose who looks uncertain. It might have taken me a while to realise that I miss them, I should’ve probably felt this longing a whole month ago but it’s never too late, right? I need to know that Shannon is well again, that through giving her my Healer blood I’ve somehow managed to provide some glue to keep my broken family together.

  Rose chews at her full, fuchsia stained, lips but I stare at her with pleading eyes for long enough that she breaks, ‘I guess you can call them for a few minutes but don’t make it long. Maurice might be dead, Cass, but we’re not in the clear just yet.’

  Sensing how overwhelmed I am, she places her soft hand over mine and gives me the kind, comforting look that only a close friend can offer. How pitied I must be after being yanked away from the normalcy of my family, the excitement of my newborn sister, and thrusted into a new, uncertain life and into the arms of the man of my dreams only to lose him when it feels like I just got him. I know Rose doesn’t want this life for me. I can’t blame her for choosing Oliver as my protector or for bringing me to New York when ultimately both decisions saved my own, and my family’s, life but I know that Rose feels guilty for my pain. It’s my turn to reach out and offer a comforting touch this time.

  ‘Everything is going to be...’ I say but my voice is choked with tears so I don’t say anything more to stop myself from starting the fountain of sobs again. The ‘everything will be fine’ line is performed so often in front of me that it has lost its dramatic affect, it usually means that things won’t be okay at all, so it seems hypocritical for me to use it to comfort my best friend.

  I leave Rose to finish her breakfast alone where I can tell she is thinking about what today will bring and if it will be as eventful as yesterday. I close the door of my bedroom and stare at the wrinkled space on the bedsheets where Oliver once lay. I’m not ready to flatten out the creases and erase every last piece of evidence that he was here with me in New York at all.

  I pick up the phone and stare at the glowing numbers for a while. They are floating around in my mind as I try to conjure up the right words to say. It was only a few days since I got the chance to see my dad and a very ill, wearied Shannon but a lot has changed since then. Maurice is dead. Things are... I take a deep breath as it hits me how very different my life will be now that Maurice isn’t a lurking omnipresence ruining every happy moment in my life for the past year.

  Before I have the chance to overanalyse the coming conversation any further, I jab the buttons on the phone and press the receiver to my ear and impatiently wait to hear a familiar voice. It is Bruce who answers. It hurts my stomach to hear his prepubescent, shrill voice. I promised myself, after Toulouse, that I’d never take my family for granted and that I’d cherish every moment with my younger siblings but hearing his voice for the first time in weeks I realise how little I’ve considered them since I left and the guilt sickens me.

  ‘Hello?’ he squeaks. The sound of his voice floods my mind with eleven years of memories of my only brother. I think about how much he’s grown since a seven year old me held him as a tiny baby in my frail arms. I remember staring into his eyes and wondering what amazing memories I would have with him. Then we grew up and Jana arrived and I became more bitter and reclusive with time. I always loved them but did I feel jealous watching them behave like normal children? Did I resent Bruce when I would watch Shannon fuss over him when he had a runny nose or watching my dad nurse a bloody knee?

  ‘Hi Bruce, it’s me, Cassie,’ I try to stay calm but my voice is wobbling as I think about Bruce’s round, mischievous and his mop of messy black hair. As little boys do, he always seemed to be breathless and running around. I miss that.

  Bruce’s excitement overflows over the phone. Hearing his squeals makes me think of him hopping around the kitchen enthusiastically. I hear him yell for Shannon and relief washes over me to know that she is home with her family, like she should be, instead of cooped up in a hospital room fearing for her life and how her family will cope without her.

  ‘Cassie! Cassie! It’s Cassie!’ he screams down the phone and I can’t help but giggle. It’s incredible to hear him sound so excited. The world I’ve been surrounded by lately hasn’t been a particularly happy one. Yes, we all rejoiced when Maurice died, and I’ve made good memories with amazing people, but most of the time the people in this world are grave and uncertain of the future including me. It is lovely to hear genuine happiness and hope in someone’s voice for the first time in a while.

  Bruce begins to talk quickly, so quick I can barely catch a word and he struggles to catch a breath, ‘I’m so happy to hear you. We’ve missed you so much, Cassie. I miss you. I got pupil of the week award at school but you weren’t hear and Lily is so cool. She cries and sleep a lot but she is really cute, much cuter than Jana who is really annoying like really annoying, Cassie, and mum is better! She was sick for a while but dad said you gave her some medicine and she is feeling good again and she can look after Lily and us again and I’ve missed you.’

  During his rant, I feel a chill run down my back and a tear drop down my cheek. The six months after Toulouse might have been hard because I was clueless about what was happening with Gabe or Maurice but at least I got to be immersed in a life with my family, the people who love me unconditionally
and would never let me down. Had I not promised never to take them for granted again? That’s exactly what I had done. I got caught up in putting on an act of having normal teenage friends and a boyfriend and being happy that I forgot to realise that I had so many reasons to be happy. I might not miss the emptiness I felt during that dark period but I definitely miss seeing them every day.

  ‘I miss you too, Bruce,’ I smile.

  Quickly, the phone is torn away from Bruce and put in the hands of my father. His voice displays how much he has missed me in a very different way. He’s exhausted. Shannon’s cancer, Lily’s arrival and my kidnapping have taken their toll on my aging father. ‘Cassie?’

  ‘He’s dead, dad,’ I blurt out carelessly. I should have told him to sit down or something, at least built up to my big news, because the scale of this situation might just give my wearying dad a heart attack.

  ‘What? Who is?’

  ‘Maurice,’ I exclaim and am filled with a second burst of happiness as I realise my nemesis, once lover, is finally out of my life for good. ‘When I’m home I’ll tell you the whole story but I just wanted to tell you that he’s gone.’

  Maurice’s death probably means more to my father than anybody else. Maurice destroyed my life, he took a lot away from me. He ruined the lives of most of the people I’ve ever cared about. I think about Gabe having to be separated from his true love, Claire, for so long because of Maurice and my body goes taut. Yet, despite never having met him, it is my dad who has suffered most at the hands of Maurice.

  He killed his wife, my mother, and he almost killed me. What had my dad ever done to him to deserve that kind of pain? The truth is that Maurice never considered the consequences. He never took the families of his victims into account. I shudder to think of all the innocent lives taken from the surrounding areas in Toulouse only to become Maurice’s dinner, his life source: the recruits. I think about their grieving families; they might never recover from the horrific impact of losing someone you love forever.