My Insanity

by Martin Länger

  “I'm a god. A higher entity. Traveling far and beyond just to fulfill your innermost desires,” he whispered into Gwyn’s ear, while the menacingly green glowing eyes and the white grin where the only things visible under the hood.

  “A bit of thanks wouldn't hurt right about now, don't you agree? Kikiki,” he giggled, as he moved his head looking into the sky.

  “Enough,” Gwyn finally answered, as he realized that his fear only sparked Delirias’ taunting.

  “I'm not that desperate yet to believe in such delusions,” he said while slowing trying to stand up. “For that reason alone I will take my leave now. Do what you want. I'm used to being ridiculed because I don't get along. This all is just a terrible joke for someone like me without a place.”

  For the first time since they met, Delirias was starting to be genuinely interested in Gwyn. Just like the unknown creature who managed to switch back and forth between lighthearted, infantile banter and ill-natured threats, Gwyn did the same as he dismissed Delirias as another cruel joke of his lost mind.

  “You're hurting my feelings, little buddy. Didn't we just meet? Shouldn't you be taking me out for dinner at least once before you leave me for good?” Delirias continued his teasing, as he seemingly enjoyed the conversation.

  Gwyn left him without adding another word.

  Just as he was about to leave the graveyard through the front gate, he scouted his surroundings. He seemed to be successful. The strange creature was nowhere to be seen or heard. The voice stopped, the shadows were retreating, and the laughter was silenced. Everything was quiet, except for the shallow evening wind that enveloped his coat.

  When Gwyn finally arrived at his doorstep, the usual Nr. 221A, he reached into the side pocket of his coat in search for his keys. Right as he was about to take them out, a heavy object fell to the ground with a dull noise. Without thinking, he went to pick it up. In front of his feet laid an already opened metal lock, strangely enough, without a key in its keyhole. Only dents and traces of erosion where to be seen where the lock had been opened.

  “That's enough!” he screamed at the top of his lungs.

  “I have had enough representation of my shortcomings for one evening,” he added as he threw the lock into the nearby bushes and escaped into the safety of his home, going straight to bed. His thoughts still clouded his mind as his eyes were about to close. The glowing green eyes from the disturbing creature flashed one last time before his mind as his body collapsed from the exhaustion, finally allowing him to fall asleep.

  Chapter 3 – A Crack in the Wall

  “Ugh,” Gwyn grunted as he was waking up in his chaotic bedroom.

  “What happened last night? My head's spinning,” he said with twitching eyes.

  Usually, he was woken up by the sunlight shining through the windows, aiming straight at his pillow, but not today. His thoughtful plan didn't come to fruition when he realized he had been sleeping upside down. Feeling exerted he tried to remember the events that transpired the night before, but he couldn't shake the feeling that something strange occurred. Something he should've made a mental note of.

  As the first rays of light finally started to reach the end of his bead and made their way over Gwyn’s face, it seemingly dawned upon him.

  “We are one,” an ominous voice echoed through his mind.

  He immediately jolted upwards, as if he was struck by lightning, not realizing he was still laying upside down, slipping off the edge of the bed, heading straight for the floor.

  “Oww,” he lamented as he caressed the back of his head. “That didn't really happen, did it?! I didn't drink that much. Maybe I really am getting older,” he reflected while laying down on the ground.

  “I 'm starting to have the impression that you’re hurting my feelings on purpose,” a sudden sobbing voice resounded above Gwyn. He was petrified upon hearing those words, as he was secretly hoping that it was nothing but a dream. He could've sworn that he was alone since he woke up. Even an immensely stressed, and overly comical, closing and reopening of his eyes didn't do the trick. Nothing worked. The figure was still there.

  The same mysterious gentleman from the night before, which towered above him on his bedpost, flashing him the biggest, most wicked grin he'd ever seen.

  “Olá,” it spoke, as the images from yesterday started to flash up in front of Gwyn's inner eye. Still blindsided, he only managed to awkwardly wave at the creature, while also taking a curious look at the stranger's appearance, who called himself Delirias.

  He was still covered by a black hooded coat that almost seemed to reach his knees. On it, green writings were embedded that seemed entirely foreign to Gwyn. A white shirt, neatly buttoned up, stood out from underneath his clothes between engraved leather straps, which were tightly locked onto his torso. At his waist were two stylish-looking brown belts affixed with buckles in sparkling silver. Everything was leading down towards his black leather pants, accentuated by his black leather shoes with heels made of some sort of metal. The chains were also still in their place, dangling from the sleeves of his coat, which he purposefully wrapped around his hands and fingers.

  “Hmm?!” Delirias buzzed and flipped his head to the side, as he caught Gwyn staring at him with an endearing look. He started to smile again.

  “I hope you don't get any strange thoughts, kid. You're not my type,” he spoke with a little chuckle, revealing his narrow face and deep green eyes. Eyes that were neither human nor catlike, more closely resembling a reptile. With every smirk Delirias’ mouth widened further than Gwyn thought possible, flashing terrifyingly white teeth at him, which still haunted him from the night before.

  Still staring, Gwyn also recognized the weird, yet beautiful, white hair that was tangling from Delirias’ head. Somehow his unnatural looks made him more envious than anxious, though he still wasn't able to utter a word with confidence.

  “And they say I’m weird,” Delirias sighed with a bored look and jumped from the bed with an acrobatic somersault.

  “Do you always spend your days on the floor?” he asked while looking around the chaotic room, which closely resembled the rest of the apartment.

  “Enough is enough,” Gwyn unexpectedly proclaimed.

  “What's wrong, honey? Did you have a nightmare?” scoffed the extraordinary man with a high-pitched voice.

  “I hope that you would disappear on your own after a good night's sleep, but it seems I've completely lost it.”

  “Lost what? Your wallet? Your dignity?” Delirias answered him, while Gwyn gave him a stern look. “Ohh, I get it,” he snapped his fingers. “Though me being here proves that you must have lost it a long time ago, buddy”

  Abruptly Gwyn stood up and pedaled through the room to one of the stacks of books laying around.

  “Why do you have to be so cold and ignore me. Even after the fact that we've spent the night together?” Delirias asked as he childishly slipped closer to Gwyn, who was throwing around books, seemingly searching for something, scattering them in all directions.

  “There it is!” he yelled without notice.

  “There is what?” Delirias dug for an answer, while excitingly leaning over his shoulder. Yet again leaving his question unanswered. It felt as if even the mysterious man was about to lose his patience.

  “Schizophrenia,” Gwyn read to himself aloud and somewhat relieved.

  “‘In many cases, symptoms can occur in a later stage of life. Afterward, phases of affliction can increase in surges. Roughly 0.5 to 1 percent of the population suffers from schizophrenia,’“ he cited, lost in thought. After reading that paragraph he jumped up and about through the small apartment, with Delirias following him, interested in looking through Gwyn's stuff. The man with the white hair started to nonchalantly rip out pages from some of the books lying around, folding them to little paper cranes, balancing them on top of each other on the kitchen table.

  The only thing that stopped him was Gwyn’s voice that drifted yet again through the rooms.
>
  “Hello, Mr. Viridas here. Is Dr. Alfons free today?” he overheard.

  “Yes, Viridas is the name. Right. That sounds wonderful,” followed from Gwyn's voice and Delirias’ curiosity staggered until he couldn't hold it anymore and peaked silently around the door frame with his head tilted to the side.

  “Yes, that should be no problem,” Gwyn answered “I’ll be on my way. Thank you very much. See you soon.”

  From Delirias’ improvised cover he saw his partner storming forth after putting down the receiver of his telephone. He dressed himself in fresh clothes and put on his coat before he marched towards the door. Just as he was about to grab his keys, Gwyn held his breath and paused. He hadn't given up hope, yet. That very moment he closed his eyes he was just by himself. One more step forward and he will return to his ordinary, boring life that would await him at the opposite side of the door.

  “I wanted something to change, but not like this! I'm not insane,” he thought while opening the door. It felt like an eternity until it fell shut. A sigh of relief escaped him the air because, just as he hoped, no one was to be seen or heard on the other side.

  As if he was struck by lightning, he rushed through the building, down the staircase, storming right through the front entrance, where the sunlight delightfully awaited him, joined by the noise of the people walking down the street. The terrible nightmare from before now only seemed like a bad joke, resulting from an even worse night’s sleep.

  “You know, we still haven't properly introduced us to each other, kid,” Delirias gently waved at him while relaxing on the gigantic, swollen up back of an even bigger man, passing Gwyn who couldn't believe his eyes.

  “Doesn't anyone notice what's going on here?! This is madness,” Gwyn asked himself as he hastily jumped down the last remaining stairs and went after Delirias, anxiously hoping not to lose sight of him.

  Delirias writhed over the lump of the strangely big man’s back, until he took the position of a horseman. It was just as Gwyn feared when he caught up - Delirias was about to ride on top the unaware stranger.

  “Hiyaa, my mighty steed! Together no one can stop us. This world is ours!” he yelled.

  “This can't be true. Please tell me, that I'm just imagining things,” the young man despaired inside “What the hell are you doing there?!” he whispered to Delirias, just as he got close enough.

  “What do you think I'm doing? The fight has just begun, and this mighty chariot seemed to be the most suitable to instill fear into my enemies. Just look at it. These muscular and strong arms of a monstrous beast. The unfaltering and wrathful gaze of a wild bull…”

  “Enough of this nonsense!” Gwyn answered, even though he had to suppress a light chuckle. He grabbed Delirias by his coat and pulled him down.

  “Of course that worked…” he sighed “The people around me must think I'm crazy for grasping at thin air.”

  “Nah, don't sweat it. They don't give a shit about you. They are all caught up in their own little world – but I guess you figured it out. Only the two of us can interact with each other,” just as Delirias finished his sentence, Gwyn was met by a fierce gaze of his partner.

  “I'm just kidding, little one. Since I cannot leave your side, I had to think of something for you to stop ignoring me and realize the truth,” he answered joyously.

  Suddenly the first heads were turning in Gwyn’s direction, who was still flailing around with gestures as he talked to Delirias. Both left with Gwyn feeling ashamed, head towards the ground.

  “I still find it irresponsible that you won't believe me,” the white-haired man wheezed.

  “You're completely mental!” Gwyn countered aghast.

  “Ow, you dirty little boy you, stop it,” Delirias beckoned with blushed cheeks, which in turn left Gwyn to roll his eyes.

  “By the way, is your life always this banal?” the white-haired man casually mentioned while he started to poke Gwyn with his index finger. “Wouldn't you rather live in your own world, created by yourself instead of one that was dictated to you by others?”

  “I have literally zero interest in discussing things with imaginary beings,” Gwyn answered tenaciously, straightening his coat and breaking away.

  “Aww, the little ones. They always grow up so fast and start to flee the nest. It always leaves me in tears,” Delirias sobbed theatrically, pretending to wipe his tears away.

  “I don't need your snarky sarcasm. I don't even know why I continue to talk to you,” the young man petulantly answered.

  “Because deep down you long for something weird. Something unexplainable and grant. Something different. More than you would ever allow to admit yourself.”

  Gwyn stopped answering and gave him the silent treatment while walking away.

  “Wait, not so fast! We are a glorious team now,” Delirias shouted with a big smile and jumped after him.

  Even though Gwyn tried to ignore the strange creature with all his might, he couldn't. While trying to only concentrate on every step moving forward, he willingly let himself stray while watching Delirias who messed with the people around them. He would pinch their clothes or even boop their noses with his long fingers while chuckling to himself like a child. Gwyn could not believe what his mind was trying to tell him with this imagery.

  His mental torture finally came to somewhat of a halt when they reached the train station. Gwyn was already sick of the whole situation, ready to complain.

  “Why does it have to be me? As if I deserve to go insane. And why does he have to be this annoying?! If he were at least the slightest bit funny,” he pondered the role of his victim-hood, so much that his head started to turn red.

  Meanwhile, Delirias took up the task, after being mostly ignored by Gwyn, to dance directly in front of his eyes.

  Even though he tried to ignore his self-proclaimed partner, it didn't stop when they entered their train. The white-haired figure started swinging around strangely on the metal bars, while finishing with a landing, mirroring only those of Olympic athletes. Even then Gwyn couldn't suppress the urge to let loose a little chuckle himself, while also trying to hide it from Delirias.

  “What if Delirias really is my restlessness given a form? That would be atrocious. I almost believe that I don't really want to know the truth anymore… no matter how nonsensical it sounds.”

  When they finally reached their stop, Gwyn breathed yet another sigh of relief as he left the train, with Delirias hopping next to him. After a few minutes, it was clear where they were heading. The crowds began to diminish, and the locality became smaller. The only thing that popped right into their sights was a gigantic, old building that resembled a former University or Library. Wide stone walls surrounded the estate, with an even more imposing looking garden behind it.

  “Not even half bad. You could've just told me that you were inviting me to a mansion,” Delirias marveled at the in stone engraved patterns at the front gate.

  Without pause, Gwyn went through and made his way to the front door. Minimalistic shrubbery and heavenly statues of angels beleaguered the gravel walk they were on. For a moment it also seemed like a little red rose was hidden beneath the mundane looking bushes that Gwyn spied at from the corner of his eye. Yet when he turned his head, nothing was to be found except the same old bushes from before. He got the feeling that not only was his mind playing tricks on him, but his eyes were as well. As if there was no escape. Struggling seemed pointless.

  “I really don’t remember much of this place,” Gwyn thought to himself worryingly.

  He rang the oddly familiar looking doorbell and was greeted by a young assistant in a plain white and blue linen dress. Just like nurses in a hospital, she came with neatly bundled up hair and simple footwork.

  “You must be Mr. Virirdas, correct? Of course you are. Please, come in,” she greeted him politely. With a nod and an awkward smile, Gwyn followed suit. "Yes, thank you for you time."

  “Don't be nervous. We were expecting you, after all.”


  “Excuse me?” he asked unsure what she meant.

  “We don't get many visitors these days,” she answered with a cute smile, making Gwyn even more uncomfortable for assuming something else.

  “And here I thought I'd trouble you more than anything…” he managed to bring forth.

  “Not in the slightest. Follow me,” she declared while continuing the conversation. “Dr. Alfons was ecstatic when I told him about your visit. Unfortunately, it's been awhile since I've seen him this excited,” the assistant uttered with a gloomy look.

  “If that's the case I'm excited as well, even though I didn't expect to visit either.” Gwyn realized how Delirias rolled with his eyes while being uncommonly quiet for a change.

  Gwyn used the silence and started to have a look around himself while walking through the corridors. They passed an entry hall with some benches and chairs, while every floor was kept in the same monotonous gray scheme. Even the pictures hanging on the wall from time to time didn't seem to inspire any emotion besides tedium. It made Gwyn that much more uncomfortable, which was why he sought out a topic for conversation while walking.

  “The building looks pretty impressive from the outside. Even more so when I think about how long it's been running, if I remember correctly,” he started.

  “Indeed,” a swift reply followed, as if programmed to. “Back then it was built for a rich industrial clerk who, unfortunately, died shortly after its completion. His late wife bequeathed it to the city, and that's how our institution the "Path of the Mountain Deer" came to be.”

  “Institute?” Delirias raised his eyebrows seemingly unimpressed. “Somehow I was giving you more credit than you deserved, little one. As it seems you have a lot to learn, before I can start working with you,” though Gwyn didn't honor his words with an answer and continued to listen to the assistant.

  “The estate is pretty enormous. Still most of our rooms are already in use. We don't have that many employees, but we can surely rely on our colleagues.”