My Insanity

by Martin Länger

  “Hey, does someone know how I get back to the Lussuria from here?

  “I second that notion. Let's get out of here as fast as we can.”

  All of them were talking across each other. Everything was falling apart as the ugly head of fear and uncertainty was showing itself. Erecting itself above the people like a giant goat head before Olivia's eyes. Extinguishing every ounce of kindheartedness and courage they previously had.

  Ansia was slowly cuddling up next to Olivia's side and whispered into her ear.

  “Do you believe me now? They won't return. They have left you for good, leaving all of the responsibilities for these people up to you.”

  Olivia started to feel their glances resting on her shoulders, looking at her, full of expectation. Even though none of them had turned her way yet. The terror inside her rose up as she knew she was the only one with an aspect by her side, guaranteeing the best security out of everyone.

  Each passing moment felt like a giant boulder on her chest and with every desperate individual that looked up to her, her breath got heavier. Panic and claustrophobia spread itself like a disease.

  “Did Emily really leave us behind? Maybe she is wounded and needs our help? Maybe they already escaped? Maybe they were executed as they were spotted? Why does it always have to end like this?” she thought to herself.

  Like an endless swamp, she was being swallowed up by her own thoughts. She began to not even acknowledge the presence of the other people surrounding her with Ansia’s voice hushing through the air.

  “Run, Olivia! Nothing keeps you here. No one can force that responsibility on you. You are your own person. Nobody should demand from you that you take care of others.” A sly grin formed on the malicious face of the aspect.

  “You don't even know how to escape from here yourself. What is it with these horrible people that bring this situation down on you? A situation where you are labeled as the bad guy if you don't hold their worthless, little hands? Impossible standards, if you ask me.”

  Olivia noticed how the long black nails from Ansia’s fingers were spreading itself over her head and her arms were placing themselves around her.

  “We don't need them, Olivia. Let them go, and everything will be alright. Come, take my hand,” she took a step back, and her hand reached out to the young lady.

  As if her aspect was saying that she would take her far away from this terrifying place. Far from the terror and despair made out of her own anxiety. Even the group of escapees started to ignore her, as they realized how much she seemed to operate in her own little world.

  Step by step her feet were regressing backward. Timidly, one at a time. Just enough to not let anyone notice. Concentrating so heavily on her emotional state and escape route, that she didn't notice how everyone was turning themselves back to the sewage gate where yet another sound rang out. With a large leap, something rushed out of it, without anyone even seeing what it was.

  “And where might you be going little lady, huh?! Are you taking us with you?” an uptight voice spoke.

  Suddenly Gieldan stood before Olivia with crossed arms and a condescending look.

  “Looks like we just arrived on time,” he sighed.

  As he said those words, even the last few exhausted escapees were coming out of the sewage gate thanks to Emily helping them out. Though she already looked like one of them with her torn dress, she was still like a gleaming beacon of hope. Joy was once again spreading as Emily's smile rushed through the group.

  “We knew you would make it. We never doubted you, not even for a second.”

  “No matter how long it took, we would have waited for you.”

  “Our glorious heroes! You have my eternal thanks!”

  With every sentence, the dread in Olivia's eyes grew. She wanted to vomit right then and there. Instinctively she wanted to press her hands onto her mouth as she realized that she was just as awful as those that were ready to abandon Emily, as soon as it began to look a little bleak for them.

  Gieldan stepped past her with a wrathful countenance, ramming her shoulder in the process.

  “Whether its humans or Personas, they are all from the same low hanging fruit…” Olivia heard him mumble as he returned to his partner's side.

  She couldn't believe it herself. All the doubts and fears she had, were indeed not her own but shared by everyone in the group. A short moment of weakness, of doubt, and everyone was ready to abandon the only woman that risked her neck for them.

  “Since when have I become such a disgusting human being? Someone who values her own safety and angst more than the life of others?” it went through her head.

  Her eyes were filling up with tears while she remembered something that she seemingly forgot on her journey, or maybe even her whole life. As Ansia came around to console her again, Olivia blocked her from doing so. She wiped away the tears from her face and ran directly towards Emily.

  “One last time I want to try it. No matter how much fear and doubt I have inside of me,” her thoughts were closing out. “I want to believe in her as much as my broken self is able to.”

  Out of the corner of Gieldan’s eye, he could see how Ansia, obviously agitated, returned to the group as well. With him not being able to hold back a mischievous little smile.

  Chapter 17 – Source of the Ember

  Emily started to gather the people around her after the initial spark of joy had faded and they were ready to address the situation. It looked like their emotional trauma was unbearably heavier than their physical wounds, but another journey was the only option.

  “Please listen to me for a moment,” Emily declared. “All of you are free once more. That means that I don't have a say in what you want to do from here on out. You can walk your own path, or you can come with us. The choice is up to you.”

  Applause erupted out of nowhere. She didn't expect such an exuberant reaction. Eventually, Gieldan stepped beside her.

  “This is the gift your courage brought forth. Don't tell me you forgot in your excitement.” He held himself back and said, “enjoy it. Who knows whether we will ever be this lucky again.” His gaze transformed itself from a warm sympathy to a cold stare as he looked around the group. Even underneath all the happiness and cheering, there were two specific people that were trying their best to go unnoticed.

  After a short pause, their plans were made clear.

  “Listen up, everyone.“ Emily had gathered the group, “In case any of you are lost, or don't intend to travel with us, let me explain where you are. This crypt is embedded into the mountain that runs alongside Lussuria and its deep forest. Right now, we are in an abandoned village right before the crypt where you were held captive.“

  Unrest and uneasiness had crept up on them, yet they still gave Emily their full attention.

  “Our goal is to travel to the west where Pride's city is located, taking part in the masked ball that is currently being held there. Follow the path outside the city to the northeast and you will get back to Lussuria. There also seem to be many pathways leading to the south, so be on your guard. If you wish to come with us, you're all welcome to join us.“

  After much discussion within the lot, seven of the twentyfive individuals present decided to stay, while the rest of them began their march back to the pathway and other cities. What remained were three Personas and four humans, with everyone having to introduce themselves at Emily’s request.

  Everyone followed suit with the help of Emily’s puppy stare and the somewhat awkward round took its course. Representing the Personas was a young looking woman with blond locks, a tiny pointy nose, and orange pupils, named Marion. Like some sort of tradition she immediately mentioned that she belonged to the city of Gluttony and wished to return there eventually.

  To Emily’s bewilderment, the other two Personas followed her example. A middle-aged woman with gracious movement and auburn colored, shoulder length hair was going by the name of Othilia.

  Her grey-blue eyes had little golde
n spots that were sparkling, with her fingernails painted with the same unusual pattern.

  “I descend from the most glorious city of them all. I talk about Magnus, the City of Pride, obviously,” she said with an almost snobby, arrogant tone, as she waved her hand around, as if they should’ve already known where she belonged to.

  “Of course I will join you on your journey to my city.”

  Lastly, a little hesitant, a young man spoke up. “My home is the city of Greed, but my initial destination was Magnus as well.” Unsure, he looked into the faces of the group, his gaze quickly jumping around.

  He started to bow awkwardly, “r-right, I forgot to introduce myself. Ex-excuse me, my name is Ludwig. It is an honor to finally meet a human with an aspect in person,” he said with his red-brown strains falling into his face, which he carefully swept away. Gieldan and even Ansia’s expression changed to an immensely focused one, as Ludwig introduced himself.

  Something seemed odd, but as both of them realized that they had felt the same sensation, the two aspects quickly ignored each other again.

  “All of this takes way too fuckin’ long. I'm Darius. Nice to meet, yada yada. I'm a human. But that doesn't matter anymore anyway…” the young man interrupted.

  “Or maybe that is why my life matters the most? Who knows. Can we please get moving? I was held against my will for long enough.”

  Black short hair and green eyes with a hint of gray were the first things they noticed about the man, Darius.

  “I understand your haste, Darius. We will be on our way as soon as we're finished”, Emily answered him compassionately.

  With the exception of Ansia, nobody noticed how she had held Gieldan back with her right hand who was ready to step forth himself.

  “If that's the case I'm glad to help this process move forward,” another rather young-looking man shoved Darius to the side and opened himself up to the group.

  “My name is Willhelm, a human. I don't know how long I've been here. If you don't know either, I won't be of much help. And if that city of Pride will help us to proceed, then I'm all for it,” he almost demanded.

  Both of the two men were around their thirties, if Emily had to take a guess. The only two left were a calm woman and an older, peaceful looking, man. Both of them gave nothing more than their first names, Eveline and Balthasar. With a respectful smile, they nodded at each other closing out the round. To the surprise of the Personas, even Emily and Olivia were introducing themselves.

  For Ludwig and Marion, it was the first time where they had met a human with their aspect.

  “Ha, that's not all that special. In our city, this has been a reoccurring thing for ages. Ultimately everyone has to see the magnificent city of Pride,” Othilia sneered with a conceited undertone.

  Just as the group seemed ready to start moving again, they were interrupted by one of the quiet Personas. “If I may intervene for a second,” Eveline said, who seemingly spoke almost exclusively to Emily.

  “Coincidentally, I can still remember how they brought us here. They maybe thought that I was unconscious, but I could see everything through a little hole in the cloth they pulled over my head.”

  “Let me guess. A secret tunnel beneath the crypt? Forget it, without me!” Darius interrupted her.

  “Ho, ho steady your horses, young man,” laughed Balthasar joyfully behind him as he laid his arm on his shoulder.

  “Who said that you could touch me?!” Darius pulled himself away, while Olivia tried to calm them down.

  “So? What were you saying?” Emily asked Eveline.

  “Yeah, well… there was a little passage alongside the mountains. It's a pathway that leads directly to the city of Pride, which is close to where they took me from.”

  “And what makes you so sure about that, little human?” Gieldan built himself up before her with his bulking arms.

  Intimidated she stepped backward and held her hands up, since Gieldan’s torso was at least twice as large as hers. His eyes threateningly staring down at her.

  “It's embarrassing to tell you about it, b-but they actually caught me while I was sleeping. I had just been on my way to Pride as they attacked. I'm sorry I-i… I just thought it might be a good idea to take a shortcut to minimize the risk,” she stepped further and further away as if she had done something wrong, whereas Emily’s sharp eyes were piercing Gieldan.

  “Alright, alright. You may have a point, but If anything happens I will hold you responsible personally,” he sighed with an obviously annoyed expression. He didn't even have to turn around to know that Emily’s gaze had only sharpened, which is why he used the chance to check Eveline’s statement.

  What she said had indeed been the truth.

  After only a short sprint from Gieldan, he acknowledged a pathway that was leading through the mountains, presumably leading to the other side. Othilia was also convinced by her geographical skills, as she was all for it

  “If the paths straight, we will get out of the mountains rather quickly. From there it's just a stone's throw to the south, and we're there. Right at the city gates of Magnus,” she proclaimed proudly.

  Additionally, Ludwig described how it wasn't unusual for merchants to be raided on the larger main roads, which is why demand for guards has risen since quite a while. Though, he didn't differentiate between the attack of wild beasts or Personas.

  Seemingly with all odds stacked against Gieldan’s opinion, Emily decided to follow with the general consensus of the group – heading for the pathway in the mountains.

  Darius, Willhelm, and Ansia were stationed at the front, while Gieldan stayed with the rest of the group at the back.

  The old man used the opportunity to get close to Emily as they were trudging through the empty, and bleak mountain landscape.

  “I admire your courage, young lady. You made me realize that I hadn't accepted my fate after all. Your selfless act really ignited the spark of hope inside these old bones of mine,” Balthasar jolted, almost as if their hopeless story had been a reason to rejoice.

  Meanwhile, Olivia couldn't resist the urge to stay close to Emily’s side as Emily tried to figure out why Balthasar felt somewhat familiar to her. Perhaps she had seen something in him that reminded her of herself.

  “It's no problem, really. To be honest, I was the one who was surprised. So many of them were too frail or weak-willed to join us. You guys were the first to accept our offer.”

  “Ho, ho, there's a reason they call me agile for my age,” he halted for a moment and fixated his gaze upon the dark, night sky that was illuminated by the two moons.

  “I don't know how you feel about it, but ever since I've come here, I cannot shake the feeling that it had to be for a reason. Something that was waiting for me, or something that had to be done. This is why I cannot let the chance of freedom escape from me,” outlined Balthasar.

  “That's admirable,” Emily smiled in her usual manner. Even Olivia brought herself into the conversation.

  “You're still very brave for your old age,” the words left her mouth so fast that she didn't have a chance to think about what she had said. This, in turn, brought forth another smile, though it was on Balthasar’s face this time.

  But as soon as it appeared, it already faded away, and the wrinkles around his eyes and forehead were forming themselves to a frown.

  “I thank you for the kind words, but I'm just an old fool who doesn't know what he's supposed to be doing here.”

  “None of us know that, you geezer,” Darius yelled from the front.

  “Exactly,” Olivia nodded, hoping to give him some courage.

  “Hm, maybe the way I said that wasn't quite right,” he pondered for a second and took a deep breath. “You must know, that ever since I've been here, I've asked myself this a thousand times over. My lifespan is closer to the end than everything else, and since the day my dear wife died, I haven't really been taking care of myself as much as I used to. So why am I still trapped here? Here in this world th
at is so similar to ours, yet not a dream. In my honest opinion, I don't know what I should accomplish here.” As the two girlfriends were listening carefully to his thoughts, it became harder and harder for them not to start thinking about themselves. Similarly, it seemed like Emily was drifting off into old memories, some of them she always wanted to forget.

  “Is everything alright Emily?” a familiar voice whispered to her, and before she even noticed that her eyes had been closed, she found herself in the standstill of the Pansarum.

  “Just the doubts of a young woman. Nothing that you would know off,” she laughed and jokingly stuck her tongue out at him. As usual, he tenaciously crossed his arms, walking around her, as time seemingly stood still.

  “Say, Gieldan. I was always scared to ask, but I also didn't want to harass you.”

  “Speak your mind, Emily. It's not like you to hesitate.”

  “You know, even after we finally met more and more humans, no one has any answers. It really bothers me that such an important point has never been solved. At least under the assumption that humans have been coming to this world since I don't know how long.”

  “What do you mean by that, Emily?” Gieldan demurred.

  “I mean, that I think you aspects know more than you are willing to admit.”

  To her surprise, Gieldan wasn't fazed by her comment at all. His answer was calm and collected.

  “I have told you already that I cannot tell you more about it. Either you trust me, or you don't – it's your choice. The only thing I want to do right now is to protect you. I know what you've been through, and the fears you carry deep within. And, as you know, I remember what happened to Lia.”

  As she heard that name, it felt like she had been sucked into a bottomless dark hole that was closing her off from everyone. Even the gray colors of the Pansarum were fading while something else was happening around her, letting her fall deeper and deeper. The group, frozen in time, and her aspect disappeared before her eyes. The feeling of falling took over her body as the black nothingness closed in on her. Around her she could gradually make out voices that were getting louder, forcefully surrounding her.