My Insanity

by Martin Länger

  “Dammit, leave my sons out of it! How do you even know their names?!” Willhelm was uncharacteristically furious.

  “Hm?!” Balthasar, who cautiously held back since their encounter started, seemed to have noticed something weird about their conversation. He looked at Emily who also noticed something before their train of thought was interrupted.

  “All of you should be very careful. Our life is a costly gift given by the gods of fate themselves. Especially you, with your beautiful, dark hair.” His spread out fingers were pointing into Olivia's direction.

  “Au revoir,” he whispered to himself and pulled his top head down to cover his face. With these words and another gust of wind, he disappeared into the night sky, leaving Emily's group irritated and anxious.

  “Is everything alright, Olivia? Did he do something to you?” Emily cared for her friend as they hugged, drawing Ansia’s hate-filled gaze upon them.

  “I-i guess not… I'm fine,” she mumbled while being lost in thought.

  “How could he have known? It's the only thing I've managed to keep hidden. Even Ansia doesn't know about it. I should be more careful,” she concluded inside her head.

  Balthasar stroke his beard as he managed to lighten up the mood with a quick joke about the strange events that are happening one after another. Just as the silence was about to return a lively voice shouted in their direction.

  “Heeeeyy, guys! What's going on? Did something happen?” the voice said as it got closer. It was Othilia who was overzealous to return to the group.

  “Just what is this strange place we've got ourselves into, Emily?” Olivia rested her head on her friend's shoulder, while she softly stroke her over her hair.

  “Don't worry. As long as there is a spark of life left in me I will keep the fire burning at night and take care of you. I promise!”

  Chapter 23 – Friendship

  It didn't take them long to explain the situation to Othilia, as she was used to strange occurrences happening around the time of the ball. It was considered to be the norm since all kinds of different characters venture into the city who otherwise wouldn't. Even they, as humans, are often only seen when there's a masked ball.

  To show her gratitude for her rescue, Othilia invited the group into her house. She dismissed it as nothing special and the least she could do since it was only a rented floor. Yet, the group was more than happy to finally have a real roof over their head.

  “The apartment isn’t too far from the city gates,” explained Othilia. “It’s usually done to remind the citizens what their current status is. Though my placement is a bit too unfair if you ask me. The people with the highest status were given exclusive rights to the homes in the center of the city, closest to the palace. Yet not every Persona of high status actually takes up that offer. I will never understand them,” She let out a heartfelt sigh “But don't worry, Willhelm. I've already prepared everything to be as luxurious as possible. My friends are waiting for you as well.“

  After a short time of walking, and seeing Othilia sticking close to Willhelms side, they arrived at Othilias apartment. To their astonishment it looked anything but low status, leaving the rest of her companions dumbfounded when they saw the most spacious apartment they had ever seen.

  It was just as beautifully decorated as the outside, while her girlfriends were already waiting for them, and especially Willhelm. As soon as they entered the large living room, the women rushed from their cozy campfire towards the irritated man as if they had found a long-lost jewel.

  “She really did it, she's back” one of them gasped, holding her breath.

  “We were anxious whether you were leaving us for a second time, my dear.”

  “Well, aren't you a lucky gal.”

  If Emily had to take a guess, she would've said there were at least five of them, though she wasn't sure as all of them were scrambling tightly together.

  All of them were dressed in wonderfully decorated dresses in different colors, with twinkling pieces of jewelry in their hair.

  Likewise, they all shared the same exuberant and euphoric behavior as Othilia, but the remaining humans also noticed that wasn't everything they were. There was something looming behind those beautiful garments and striking poses.

  The women examined Willhelm for all he was worth, plucking his clothes and caressing his body. It wasn't the first time they had seen a human, but it seemed that Othilia might have been influenced by her own subjective feelings when she described him. Like a newfound toy, he was completely occupied, leaving the rest of the group to finally have a moment to rest.

  “Shouldn't we stay together?” Olivia was worried as Darius and Balthasar began to wander around.

  “It's fine, my dear. I think a bit of rest is exactly what we need right now,” the buoyant old man answered her as he sat down into a comfortable chair with red cushions by the campfire. Darius was looking around to the place for something to drink, while Marion sat herself next to Balthasar, clearly enjoying his laid-back, calm aura.

  Emily began to smile. “I couldn't agree more,” she followed up. “The first thing I need is a bath. I can't walk around like this forever.”

  Balthasar, Olivia, and she herself took a good look at what was left of Emily’s clothes. It was nothing like the original piece she got at Lussuria. It was ripped apart everywhere, missing pieces while covered in dried blood and mud. Upon the request from Emily herself, Othilia managed to take a moment off of Willhelm and called one of her servants to show her the premises. A tongue-tied and neatly dressed gentleman appeared at Emily's side, showing her the way with a simple hand gesture.

  “M-me too,” yelled Olivia passionately and followed them through the glamorous corridors.

  Gieldan, who tried to follow as well, was instantaneously denied with a wink and a shaking head, leaving the aspect to himself. Though, this gave room to one of the rare occasions where the two aspects stopped fighting and sat themselves together in the hall with the others. Everything around them was sparkling with shades of silver or gold, while the campfire engulfed the room in a warm light. Only Gieldan’s fierce gaze followed the servant and the two friends as they vanished behind the door.

  With a minimal amount of gestures and mimics, the servant patiently and gently brought them to the bathing quarters.

  “We have arrived. Inside the ladies will find fitting garments for every occasion. If you are in need of service – there is a bell inside the room to notify us of your desires. I wish you a pleasant experience,” he said dryly, and just as quickly as he had appeared, he was already on his way back. Both of them were amazed by the thick steam already coming out from underneath the door they halted at. As soon as Emily opened it, they were greeted by a steaming cloud of heated water.

  “All of that just for us?” even Emily felt a bit swamped.

  Both of their mouths were wide open as they noticed the size of the room, which could've easily been used as a public bath all by itself.

  “This would be worth quite a bit back home,” Emily added. “Maybe Dad could install some more sprinklers, letting us charge extra for bubble baths. Hmm,” she was promptly lost in deep thought.

  When Olivia started to giggle, she was eventually reminded that she wasn't alone.

  “Look, there are the clothes he mentioned,” she awkwardly tried to change the topic. Big, white tiles engraved with gold stars made up the floor, with enough space for at least hundred more people. Additional compartments to dry oneself or refreshing yourself were built, while there were different aerials with banks leading into the bath.

  “It feels uncomfortable to waste so much water just for the two of us, but I guess it's too late now,” Emily said softly as she was getting herself out of her destroyed clothes, piece by piece. An anxious smile came over Olivia's lips.

  “Who knows, maybe there is even a sauna hidden at the end. Expecting the unexpected has become quite the norm, ehehe...”

  “Exactly. I stopped wondering as well, but no
w I'm also wondering whether we could cannonball right into the water. I don't think they'd notice.”

  “Yeah, right… wait, what?” As both of them had continued their conversation in peace, Olivia didn't notice that Emily was already stark-naked, walking past her and down the steps into the water.

  “Ouch,” Emily twitched as the warm water touched her slender legs, remembering her cuts that she accumulated over the course of their travels.

  Despite the mist that laid itself upon her soft skin and strong body, Olivia was able to see that was her friend was covered in bruises, more wounds, and leftover dried blood. It may not have been life-threatening, but all she could think about was that it would only get worse from here on out. And yet Emily did all of that for people she didn't even know.

  Olivia’s gaze went down to the white tiles in front of her.

  “As if I could've ever done something like that,” she mumbled quietly to herself.

  “Did you say something?” Emily asked.

  “Nothing – I'm just undressing. That's all.”

  “Ha, you better hurry up! Otherwise, I will take this home-made ocean all for myself. It's surprisingly satisfying, even if it stings a little in the beginning,” Emily replied.

  Timidly, the woman with the black hair took of her last piece of clothing, while caressing over her pale skin, as her head was nourished with guilt and self-doubt.

  She cautiously tested the waters. Her eyes loosely focused forward, she entered the bath and slid towards Emily who was already relaxing in one of the built-in pits. The young woman wasn't very good at hiding her sad expression, which is why Emily immediately took notice when she arrived.

  “Hey, Olivia,” she started, gaining her attention.

  Surrounded by steam and mist, the two newfound friends were looking into each other's eyes. Like every time their eyes had met, Olivia was fascinated by the intensity of Emily's gaze. She felt as if it was possible for her friend to share her feelings just by looking at another person. Eyes of trust, passion, and empathy.

  The longer they looked at each other in silence, the more the feeling of warmth rose within Olivia’s body. What felt like an eternity as Emily scrambled for words to say, were actually only a few seconds.

  “If there is something that I can help you with or you want to talk about, then you can tell me, alright?” she continued.

  Despite all efforts to get Olivia to talk it had the opposite effect and made Olivia even more shut in as she drifted slowly through the water. Once more Emily had presented her strength right before her, while she was only able to pout, hiding her thoughts in shame.

  “It's not as easy for me as it is for you, or the others,” she thought. “Why is it so easy for them? This is so unfair. I don't WANT to be like this.”

  These were the things that occupied her mind and about the only ones she could grasp in her current state. She didn't like to admit it, but somewhere deep within her, she had hoped that Emily would keep on questioning her. Maybe then she would've had the courage to open herself up to her. Even though she knew how weak and childish it sounded, she wasn't able to act against it. The melancholy of her heart was overwhelming her by sheer force. Yet, despite all her expectations, the woman with the brown hair beside her brought forth something else.

  “Listen to me, Olivia!” Her eyes were looking up to the wide ceiling that was painted with exceptional paintings. “I won't force you to tell me what's bothering you. In my opinion, that's for you to decide. If you don't want to talk about anything, then I will accept that. The only thing that is important to me is for you to know that, if you change your mind, I'll be there,” Emily explained.

  “Negative emotions can be just as addictive as positive ones. It's like a spiral that goes ever downward, where you embrace the sadness. Sometimes even without noticing,” she paused. “Getting out of that requires a lot of strength and willingness to sacrifice. That's why I think it's unfair to demand that from others. Even more so because I'm not a good person myself, and far, far off from the person I want to be.”

  Olivia was shocked. She would've never guessed that Emily saw herself like that, and astonishingly this seemed to break her silence. It was unforgivable for her that someone she deemed the bravest and most compassionate person, looked down on herself like that.

  “T-that’s s-simply not true. You've done so much more than any of us,” it burst out of Olivia. It came so abruptly that she yanked her fingers to the surface, creating little waves in the process.

  A small air blast came out of Emily's nose as she faintly laughed.

  “That's nice of you to say, but even I have more than enough errors. I don't want to sell myself shorter than I am, but I have spent a long time thinking about this. There are things that happened that I can never forgive myself for and even now I'm ashamed of myself. Adding onto that are things I should be doing, like visiting my grandparents more often or stop forcing myself so much onto others,” she answered in a calm tone while frantically trying to smile.

  “But, but,” Olivia tried to counter her arguments by sharing how amazed she was by her actions, but it seemed a bit too much for her to handle at the moment.

  Emily placed her hand on Olivia’s shoulder and shook her head slowly.

  “To tell the truth, I think the reason why I was so fixated on traveling with you was not because of my overwhelming compassion, but simply because you remind me of my little sister,” she continued with a downward gaze.

  “You have a little sister?” Olivia asked with wide eyes.

  “I had…” she hesitated for a second. “She died in a car accident when both of us were little,” Emily answered.

  “I'm s-so so sorry,” she stuttered, regretting that she asked.

  “To be honest – It was my fault. We played together one afternoon near one of the busiest roads in our town. For whatever reason that I don't remember, I stood on the opposite side of the street, and everything I wanted at that moment was to be with my little sister. So what did I do? Without caring for any of the traffic, I called out to her. Telling her she should come and join me.” It became harder and harder for Emily to continue on. “She trusted me so much... so much that my voice was the only thing she needed to hear for her to come running. When she ran onto the street, emerging randomly from the parked cars on the side, the driver stood no chance of evading.”

  For a moment none of them spoke a single word as they stared lifelessly onto the water surrounding them that was sputtering out of a porcelain statue into the pool.

  “All these years I took trying to accept it and live with my mistakes, but to be painfully honest, I don't even manage that. I think there is nothing wrong with that, maybe even laudable. That we try, day in and day out, to better ourselves as a human being, even though it ends up not working on most days. Yet, despite all that I can never stop. I never want to feel like back then, which is why I couldn't leave you and the others behind. I've already left behind someone here in this world … ”

  She looked at Olivia, who was still lifelessly staring at the water, calming even Emily a little who started to feel bad for forcing herself onto someone once more.

  Little waves and bubbles were swimming past them, as they were lying next to each other and the water was clinging to their bodies. After a few moments Emily tried to stand up, ready to say something and get out, but she was stopped by Olivia.

  “I know what you mean, at least, I think I know,” she spoke with a hint of tears.

  “All my life I thought myself not adequate enough. Not strong enough to face what my life would eventually throw at me. The results were depression and loneliness. Nobody wanted me around anymore, and I trusted other people even less. I thought 'who could ever understand me?'”

  “Olivia,” Emily sniveled before she continued.

  “And you are right. I think the only one who can truly free myself from that is me. Even though other people might be able to help, the one who ultimately breaks through is mysel
f. Just thinking about that scares the living hell out of me, and I cannot even start to imagine how I could manage something like that when I'm this pathetic.” For the first time since they've met Olivia looked into Emily's eyes with the same intensity as she had looked into hers.

  “I'm not ready to talk about everything that happened, but I was able to write it all down into a diary. Maybe because it was helping me to cope with the situation. When we return from the masked ball, I want you to…”

  Olivia was interrupted by a wholehearted embrace from Emily. With tears in her eyes, she pressed herself against Olivia and held her head. She didn't have to say anything else, the fact that she was able to open up to her was more than enough for Emily. Olivia had immediately forgiven her for forcing her out of the spur of the moment, and she was doing it because of her own desires. All of this was too much kindness for Emily to hold back her tears as she stroke through her hair, while they rested in each other’s arms.

  “Thanks,” Emily whispered into her ear. “I cannot even fathom how hard that must've been to say.”

  Olivia’s eyes were tearing up as well, as she returned the hug.

  “Stop it. That is nothing compared to the courage of you and everyone else. Just when I think about what has happened so far, every muscle in my body tenses up and I feel the shortness of my breath,” Olivia replied with a shaking voice.

  “Haha, what are you talking about? All of us are afraid, and we try to deal with what we're given. Though it may be true that all the humans that arrive here are bound to leave their reason, and a part of their humanity, behind. I guess we're all somewhat broken.”

  “Then we should get out of here before we lose ourselves entirely.”

  Emily nodded and closed her eyes as she carefully wiped away her tears from her cheeks. Tightly pressed against each other and enclosed, they warmed each other’s bodies, as their chests were listening to each other’s heartbeat. Even though both of them were never more open and vulnerable than in this moment, they felt stronger than ever before.