Ravenhill Plays: 1: Shopping and F***ing; Faust is Dead; Handbag; Some Explicit Polaroids (Contemporary Dramatists)

by Ravenhill, Mark

  Five

  Chorus Yeah. I know Steve a little. My friend Jose swears Stevie worked my shift at the drive-through a few years back and Jose says that maybe Stevie and I even shared the same overalls. Which is amazing. Although Jose does lie from time to time.

  See, when I look at Stevie and Stevie is up there singing, sometimes I see . . . I know this may sound way pretentious or way dumb or whatever . . . but I look at Stevie and I see Kurt. It is like Kurt’s . . . spirit . . . yeah, yeah, teen spirit if you will . . . that his spirit is coming back to us through Stevie . . . who is just beautiful, okay? In a negative sort of a way.

  Six

  The next morning.

  Alain asleep in the chair. Enter Pete with junkfood breakfast.

  Pete You wanna eat?

  Hey, guy, you wanna eat something?

  Good for you to eat something.

  Here. Here. Okay. For you.

  Alain Thank you.

  Pete You speak English?

  Alain Of course.

  Pete Okay, that’s cool.

  It’s just . . . last night . . .

  You remember last night?

  Alain Oh yes.

  Pete Okay.

  And did you find the sex good?

  Did you find our sexual contact a worthwhile and stimulating experience?

  Alain Yes.

  Pete Yes, the sex was good?

  Alain Yes. The sex was good.

  Pete That’s what I figured.

  I figured you didn’t remember a thing.

  The sex was zero. There was zero sex.

  Alain Alright.

  Pete You talked good enough.

  So, you’re not a producer?

  Alain No. I’m sorry.

  Pete That’s okay. That’s what one of the guys . . . totally dumb.

  So why were you there?

  You know one of the band?

  Alain The beer.

  Pete Okay.

  Alain The beer was good.

  Pete I understand.

  But if you’re not a producer you’re gonna have to go.

  Alain I understand.

  He moves to exit, turns.

  What do you think about this?

  Pete I’m sorry.

  Alain I’d like you to consider this example. I want to know what you think.

  A man meets a woman.

  And he takes this woman home to his apartment and he makes love to this woman.

  Pete This is a story?

  Alain An example.

  Pete Okay. An example.

  Alain They are making love and she asks him a question.

  Which is:

  Which part of me do you find the most . . . the most . . .

  Pete The most arousing?

  Alain Attractive. Which part of me do you find the most attractive?

  And he replies: the eyes.

  It is the eyes he finds the most attractive part of this woman.

  Pete Okay.

  Alain So, the next morning he leaves. He works. But all the time he is thinking about this beautiful woman, about making love with this beautiful woman, yes?

  Pete Yes. He’s thinking about her.

  Alain The following day, he is woken by the front doorbell. The doorbell is ringing, so he jumps out of bed. It might be her. Maybe she can’t bear to be apart from him.

  Pete Maybe she feels the same way too.

  Alain Exactly.

  But it isn’t her. It’s the mailman. Who has a parcel for him.

  So he signs for the parcel and he takes the parcel into the kitchen and he realises that the parcel . . . smells.

  Pete Of her?

  Alain Yes.

  Pete The parcel has the woman’s smell.

  Alain His hands are trembling with excitement, as he pulls away the packaging – he wants the moment to last, but also he wants to discover the contents.

  And as the packaging falls away, a box is revealed. A cardboard box. (indicates) so big . . .

  Pete Like a shoebox?

  Alain The sort of box in which you might buy shoes. The sort of cardboard box that has a lid on it.

  The lid is on. He waits for a moment, delaying the moment of pleasure and then he lifts up the lid.

  And inside the box are two human eyes.

  Pete So, she’d . . . Right.

  She’d cut out her eyes.

  Alain Exactly. She had cut out her eyes.

  Which leaves us with a question. This example gives rise to an important question.

  Who was the seducer and who was the seduced?

  Pete The woman with no eyes and the guy with two eyeballs in a box.

  One’s the seducer, one’s been seduced.

  Alain Precisely.

  Pete And which one is which?

  Well, that’s an interesting question.

  Alain You think so?

  Pete Yeah. I think that’s a very interesting question.

  You think a lot about that kind of stuff?

  Alain Oh yes.

  Pete That is cool.

  I think about that kind of stuff.

  You wanna tell me a little about yourself?

  Tell me about the guy who thinks about all that.

  Alain moves to kiss Pete.

  Pete No.

  It’s okay.

  It’s not like I have a prejudice or, or a problem, you know . . . with the whole guys thing. It’s just like it’s not totally me, okay. Sure, if you were gonna sign Stevie, but otherwise . . .

  Alain I understand.

  Alain moves to leave.

  Pete . . . How did she find the mailbox?

  Alain I’m sorry?

  Pete That’s my question.

  She’s there in her apartment, she’s taken out her eyes, say a pair of nail scissors something like that. So okay, she’s laid everything out in front of her. The shoebox, the paper, the Scotch tape. And I guess she’s like written the address on before she’s become . . . visually impaired. So, it’s all within easy reach.

  But that still begs the question:

  How did she find the mailbox.

  Alain That is not relevant.

  It is an example, a model. The details are not relevant.

  Pete The mailbox is a detail, right?

  Alain Yes. Just so. The mailbox is a detail.

  Pause.

  Pete I don’t want you to go, okay?

  I want you to stay here.

  You stay here but I’d feel better if you didn’t do the kissing thing, okay?

  I prefer it this way.

  And see, if you wanna bring anyone else back, I can do watching, I can do recording. I just don’t do doing, okay?

  Deal?

  Alain She was blind. The woman was blind.

  Pete Well, sure. She’d cut out her eyes.

  Alain But you said ‘visually impaired’. She was blind.

  Pete Okay, yes. She was blind.

  Alain Yes. I stay. It’s a deal.

  Seven

  Chorus It’s happening just like they said. Whole city’s blowing right apart.

  Some guy smashed the window of the store and so I got myself a VCR. Latest model. Just reached in there and got myself that honey. Bit a glass in my thumb’s all the suffering I had.

  ’Cept I get this bitch home and my momma she’s like: ‘A VCR? You bring me a VCR? When we ain’t got no food in the kitchen? You coulda done the food store. Listen to God, he would have told you – go do the food store.’

  And I’m like: ‘Momma, what is the point of having food in the house when you have nothing to watch while you’re eating it?’

  Eight

  Alain is lying on the floor, blood on his face. Enter Pete with his camcorder.

  Pete ‘What is the point of food in the house when you have nothing to watch while you’re eating it.’

  Got it all on tape. Guys looting shops, guys burning cars, guys burning guys.

  Oh Jesus.

  Come on, guy. Come on.

 
; What has happened to you?

  Alain (in French) In 1981 a Dutch woman was on business in Tokyo / when she met a Japanese businessman.

  Pete No come on. Please. You have to . . . in English, okay?

  Here . . . you have to . . . calm.

  What happened?

  Alain . . . In 1981 in Tokyo, a Dutch woman was on business. On business in Tokyo and she met a man, a Japanese man. Through her business. They became friendly, their friendship grew until eventually she ate dinner with him.

  Pete / Okay, I don’t see the rel . . . okay.

  Alain They are eating and she reveals, she tells him that she is a poet. She writes poetry. Love poetry. She has a poem about him and would he like to hear the poem?

  Well, alright.

  So he’s eating and she starts to read the poem and he pulls out a gun and he shoots her. He shoots her dead. And then he eats her. Cuts her up and puts her in his bowl and he eats her and as he’s eating her, all the time he’s declaring his love for her. His undying love.

  Who was cruel? The man or the woman?

  Pete Please. I don’t get it. I’m not so good at the whole metaphor thing.

  So you have to . . . the blood is real.

  Alain It’s boring.

  Pete That’s okay.

  Alain It’s just a thing . . .

  It’s a foolish thing.

  Pete That is cool.

  No really.

  So . . .

  Alain Just a guy, you know. Okay. Guy in a bar.

  Says that he likes me.

  Says that I don’t say a lot of words.

  And please it is so exciting the way I look and don’t talk and of course he has a place, or he has a place and it’s just not the right place for him just now, so maybe if I knew of some place . . .

  Pete Any time you want to do that, you do that, it’s cool. You know that.

  Alain So we got here and then he attacks me. Attacks my eyes.

  Pete Oh Jesus.

  Alain Goes for my eyes.

  Until they are full with blood. My blood.

  And I don’t know what . . .

  Pete You got to be careful, you know that?

  Alain ‘This one is for Bill.’

  Pete I’m sorry?

  Alain He says to me.

  I’m down and I’m bleeding and he says to me:

  ‘This one is for Bill.’

  Pete Shit.

  Alain Please, what does this . . . ?

  Pete Fucking Jesus fucking . . .

  No.

  You . . . asshole fuck.

  Alain Yes. What does that . . . ?

  This one is for Bill.

  Does that mean something?

  Pete Well, yes, yes of course.

  Of course that means something.

  Alain You know what this means?

  Pete Oh yeah.

  Oh yeah. I know what that means.

  Alain So. Please . . .

  Pete Jesus, how could you . . .

  How could you do this to me?

  Have you no control?

  What is it with you faggots that you can’t fucking . . . I mean, can’t you wait or something? Ask questions maybe?

  Well, fuck you.

  He exits and then re-enters with a floppy disc.

  Well, that’s okay then. Oh thank God. Praise be.

  I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

  You better come with me.

  Come on. Get your shit together.

  Alain You want to go . . . ?

  Pete I’m getting out of here.

  We’re getting out of here.

  Come on. Come on.

  He starts to gather together his stuff.

  Look. He’s gonna come back, okay? They’re not gonna let this lie, you know?

  See this? [the disc]. Guy who attacked you was looking for this.

  This is chaos.

  Only copy in the world.

  See, my dad’s seen the future and he knows how to give his product the lead for like centuries into the new millennium. Chaos is the answer.

  My dad sets up his team. Hundreds of guys looking for that nudge into chaos.

  And one day, they are there. It’s ready to be released on to the market.

  Except I hate my dad so bad and I download a virus in the chaos programme.

  Total meltdown.

  So all he has now is shit.

  And it’s just me with the real thing.

  Which means he hates me but also he wants to find me real bad, you know?

  So. Please.

  Alain I like this place.

  Pete Because my dad wants to be everywhere. His software in every home, on every desk. Bill, Bill, Bill. Like God, God, God.

  Alain Bill is your father?

  Pete Yeah. Bill’s my dad.

  I hate my dad.

  You coming with me?

  Nine

  Car driving through the city.

  Alain Where are we going?

  Pete Dunno.

  Alain We’re just going to . . .

  Pete Yeah, just gonna drive.

  That bother you?

  Alain No. That’s okay.

  Pete Just gonna drive and drive.

  If we anticipate even a little then my dad could figure out where to find us.

  My dad sees the future like a journey down a long road.

  I’m like: ‘Dad, you sure there’s gonna be a future?’

  You wanna tell me a little about yourself?

  Alain No.

  Pete When you talk, you talk very well.

  Long pause.

  Alain I want to fuck you.

  Pete Yeah?

  Alain I need to fuck you. Or you fuck me.

  Pete Maybe. Okay.

  I don’t have a problem with that.

  Alain You want me to get out of the car?

  Pete No. I want you here with me.

  Alain You can stop the car and let me out.

  Pete No. I don’t want to do that.

  Alain If I stay with you, I fuck you.

  We drive somewhere. We drive to the desert and I fuck you.

  Pete Sure, sure, I understand.

  If that’s the deal . . .

  Alain That’s the deal.

  Pete Then I guess I’ll learn to handle that.

  Alain Good.

  Pete So. You’re attracted to me, right?

  I’m gonna be rich. Is that what you’re thinking?

  See, time will pass and my dad will need this [disc] so bad and then I’m gonna offer it back for a sum so vast.

  And I’m gonna buy so many totally real experiences.

  I’m gonna keep the peace in Bosnia. I’m gonna take Saddam Hussein out for a pizza. I’m gonna shoot pool with the Pope and have Boris Yeltsin show me his collection of baseball stickers.

  So who are you?

  Alain I am the man who is going to fuck you.

  Pete Yes. I see that.

  Ten

  Desert. Night.

  Alain This is beautiful.

  Pete You like it?

  Alain Oh yes.

  This is a very beautiful place.

  Pete I guess it’s okay.

  I kind of prefer it on the TV.

  I prefer it with a frame around it, you know?

  Alain Okay.

  Pete Like you know, it stretches out, there it goes, on and on – you get the point from the TV – but when you actually see it, you know . . . it’s a little scary.

  Excuse me, I’m gonna have to . . .

  He takes out the camcorder, looks through it.

  That’s better.

  I kind of feel okay now.

  This always works for me. Some guys it’s Prozac but with me . . .

  Alain I understand.

  Alain starts to feel Pete’s genitals.

  Pete Oh God.

  You faggot scum.

  Alain Yes.

  That’s it.

  That’s okay.

  Pete I don’t have a prejudice
here.

  You filthy little weenie-feeling heap of shit.

  I believe in Affirmative Action.

  I believe in the multiplicity of sexualities within our society.

  Alain If you look through . . .

  Pete Sure, sure.

  Alain If you continue to look through . . .

  Pete Yes. Yes.

  Alain Keep it all within the frame.

  Pete You’re right.

  You’re right.

  I can do that.

  Alain It’s on TV, okay?

  It’s something on TV.

  Pete Yes.

  Pete records Alain playing with his genitals.

  Alain Is that okay?

  Pete Yeah. That’s okay.

  Alain starts to suck Pete off.

  Pete (TV commentary voice) Lost under the stars, surrounded by the splendour of nature and the mysterious awesomeness of Death Valley, the kid is initiated into the strange world of the homosexual.

  Alain You don’t have to speak.

  Pete I do.

  Alain Please. No.

  You don’t have to say anything.

  Pete I do. Okay. I do.

  Make it like on TV, okay?

  And I can do that, I really can do that.

  But only if I have the commentary.

  I need the voice.

  Alain No.

  Pete No?

  Alain I don’t want you to do that voice.

  Pete Okay.

  Alain continues to suck Pete off for some time in silence.

  Pete There goes a racoon . . . hoppity hopping through that piece of tumbleweed.

  I’m sorry.

  I’m sorry.

  Hoppity hop.

  Quiet.

  Stop it.

  That commentator. He just keeps on going.

  Hoppity hop. Hey, little fella, how you doing?

  And if that little fella could speak, he would tell us:

  ‘I’m doing just fine. I’m living life out here at one with Mother Nature.’

  Don’t you just wish you could do the same?

  Alain turns away and spits Pete’s cum from his mouth.

  Pete Did I come?

  Alain Yes.

  Pete Really?

  Alain Plenty.

  Pete Really, that is amazing. That is so cool.

  Because you know something?

  I didn’t feel a thing.

  You wanna go back to the car?

  Alain That’s not the deal. I want to stay here.

  Pete You wanna stay here for the night?

  Alain We’re gonna stay here for the night.

  Pete Alright. I’ll try.

  He sits.