Ravenhill Plays: 1: Shopping and F***ing; Faust is Dead; Handbag; Some Explicit Polaroids (Contemporary Dramatists)

by Ravenhill, Mark

  Nadia laughs.

  Nick What? What?

  Nadia You’re funny.

  Nick Funny? Funny am I?

  Nadia Yeah. All that anger. It’s . . .

  Nick It’s not funny, it’s not . . . it’s not funny when . . . because Simon is a symptom, Simon is . . . when all the time they can smack you in the mouth.

  Nadia Don’t generalise . . . / don’t . . .

  Nick You’ve got to do something, you’ve got to . . .

  He starts shaking Nadia violently.

  It’s like you’re sleepwalking. / You’re a sleepwalker. Come on. Wake up. Wake up.

  Nadia Hey. Off. Off. Off me.

  She pushes Nick away.

  Pause.

  Blood’s starting again now. You’ve made the blood start again.

  She applies the towel to her lip.

  Pause.

  Nick Listen. I’m . . . I’m sorry.

  Nadia Yeah. Well . . .

  Nick Fuck. I’m . . .

  Nick moves to exit.

  Nadia What are you doing? Why are you going?

  Nick Because I think I should.

  Nadia Well, don’t do what you think you should . . .

  Nick I think I’m a bastard and I don’t think I should be here.

  Nadia Do what you feel. What do you feel?

  Nick I don’t know.

  Nadia Well, get in touch with what you feel, okay?

  Nick Okay.

  Pause.

  Nadia And . . .

  Nick And . . .

  Nadia What do you feel?

  Nick I think you’re really attractive.

  Nadia Thank you.

  Nick And I think I’m really attracted to you.

  Nadia Well, that’s good. Because I’m really attracted to you.

  Nick Right. So . . .

  Nadia So I want you to stay. What do you want?

  Nick I want to stay.

  Nadia Okay. Then . . .

  She moves to Nick. They kiss.

  You gonna stay?

  Nick Yes.

  Nadia undoes her coat. Lets it drop to the floor. She is wearing table-dancing gear.

  Nadia Is this what you meant? A little ‘thing’? Is this it?

  Nick Yeah.

  Nadia I’d just finished my shift. I was on my way home. You wouldn’t have got me dancing on your table. You would have got some other hussy. Who wouldn’t have been as good as this hussy. Need to ring anyone?

  Nick No.

  Nadia Nobody expecting you back?

  Nick No.

  Nadia Right. Live with anyone?

  Nick No.

  Nadia So you live . . .

  Nick I’m sort of . . . I’ve been away for a while and so I’m in sort of temporary . . .

  Nadia I see.

  Nick Yeah. Temporary.

  Nadia Travelling? You’ve been away travelling?

  Nick No. Not travelling. Prison. I’ve been in prison. Since nineteen eighty-four.

  Nadia A convict.

  Nick I thought I’d better tell you that.

  Nadia That’s cool. Are you a rapist?

  Nick No.

  Nadia That’s cool. Paedophile?

  Nick Fuck. No. Do I look like a paedophile?

  Nadia I’ve never met a paedophile. Well, only my father. But I don’t count him. So not a rapist, not a paedophile . . .

  Nick No. I . . .

  Nadia No. I’ll get it . . . murderer? Attempted murder?

  Nick Well . . .

  Nadia Yeah. I’m right, aren’t I?

  Nick Sort of.

  Nadia A sort of attempted murder.

  Nick I never wanted . . .

  Nadia But you’ve moved on. You’re a changed person and . . . that’s cool.

  Nadia moves to kiss Nick.

  Nick You must want to find out.

  Nadia No. I don’t want to know anything.

  Nick But you’ve got to want to know. You must want to find out . . .

  Nadia I don’t want to find out anything. The past is gone, okay?

  Nick But what if I’m a psychotic / killer who wants to . . .

  Nadia I trust myself. You’re a good person.

  Nick No. Let me tell you. I want / to tell you.

  Nadia It’s safe. We’re safe. Everything’s fine. Sssshh.

  They kiss. The phone rings. Nadia stops Nick from picking up the phone as . . .

  Ansaphone (male voice), ‘Who is he? Who the fuck is he? I know you’re both there. I know you’re both listening to this. So what is he you fucking slut? Where did you find him?’

  Nadia Let’s go to bed.

  Ansaphone, ‘I hope he’s a fucking serial killer you cunt. I hope he fucking slices you right open. Yeah. And boils you away.’

  Scene Four

  Terrace of the House of Commons.

  Helen is sitting looking at the Thames. Enter Jonathan, dressed very smartly.

  Jonathan Marvellous, isn’t it?

  Helen Mmmm.

  Jonathan Thames always stirs something, doesn’t it?

  Helen Yes.

  Jonathan Are you stirred?

  Helen Oh yes, definitely stirred.

  Jonathan Are you a regular? Do you regularly take a breather from the business of Government? Take a moment to just stand here and say ‘I may be a very powerful person, I may be holding the nation’s destiny in my hands . . .’

  Helen No, no, no.

  Jonathan Oh yes, I know Government can do so very little nowadays. You all say that now, don’t you?

  Helen No, I’m . . .

  Jonathan There’s the multinationals, the World Bank, NATO, Europe and there’s the grass roots, there’s roadshows where you listen, listen, listen, but still when all’s said and done . . .

  Helen No.

  Jonathan The nation’s destiny in your hands. But you look at the Thames and you feel humbled, yes?

  Helen The Thames, yes. But actually, strictly day pass, I’m afraid.

  Jonathan I see, so you’re . . . ?

  Helen Visiting.

  Jonathan I see. Forgive me. I really did think . . .

  Helen Just wanted to say I’d been on the terrace really.

  Jonathan I could have sworn I’ve seen you . . .

  Helen No, sorry.

  Jonathan Weighed down by the burden of the office and snapped at by some media studies graduate on late-night television.

  Helen No.

  Jonathan Ah well, you have the air . . .

  Helen Yes?

  Jonathan Of someone who . . . Maybe some future date.

  Helen You think so?

  Jonathan Oh yes. At some future date the Party will call.

  Helen Well actually . . .

  Jonathan Yes?

  Helen No, nothing.

  Jonathan Please.

  Helen There has been talk. My work . . .

  Jonathan Your work?

  Helen Yes, my work has been noticed.

  Jonathan Straightening out the single mothers? Dealing with the dealers?

  Helen I do what I can. My work in local government . . .

  Jonathan Normally so thankless.

  Helen My work’s been noticed and my constituency suggested I come in for a day, shadow, get a feel for the place.

  Jonathan And how does being a shadow suit you?

  Helen Very . . . informative.

  Jonathan And inspiring?

  Helen Yes I suppose so. Yes, and inspiring.

  Jonathan Excellent. So much to sort out. So much we could do better. Someone like you . . .

  Helen I hope so.

  Jonathan Can’t be far off.

  Helen And you’re . . . ?

  Jonathan Another day pass.

  Helen I see.

  Jonathan Not shadowing, advising. Doing what I can. An outside eye.

  Helen Right.

  Jonathan You’re very curious to know what it is, aren’t you? My advice, and really I shouldn’t . . .

  Helen I understa
nd.

  Jonathan But since you’ve confided in me it would / be churlish . . .

  Helen No, no –

  Jonathan . . . not to reciprocate. You see, the thing is, the world is going to end.

  Helen laughs.

  Jonathan Yes, I know. That’s the problem, denial, it’s a big problem.

  Helen I’m sorry, I really didn’t mean to . . .

  Jonathan Denial is a major factor. But at last there are those at the top listening.

  Helen I’m sorry, I said I’d be in the tea room . . .

  Jonathan The big boys have accepted the possibility, then, of course, we’ve got to ensure that it’s all managed as smoothly as possible.

  Helen I promised I’d be . . .

  Jonathan Can’t have a wobble in the last few hours, can we? Can’t have everyone going off-message and throwing us all into confusion as we reach the end.

  Helen I’ve got to go.

  Jonathan Don’t you . . . Listen to me. You won’t hear anything more important than this, alright? You can shadow, you can fact find, but this is . . . You listen.

  Helen I really don’t think / I need to hear . . .

  Jonathan Because this has got to be the People’s Armageddon, you see? We want to make sure that everybody has been listened to, that every social and racial grouping is represented in the events of the last few days. Exclusion must be avoided.

  Helen Listen. I have a sense of humour, I understand jokes, and I’ve enjoyed this enormously. I’m sure tomorrow in the middle of a very dull meeting about street lighting I shall look back on this meeting and smile to myself, so thank you for that.

  Jonathan Are you patronising me?

  Helen Well, yes I probably am.

  Jonathan Yes, you are and of course you’re right, best thing to do.

  Helen But now I’m going to have to get on.

  Jonathan Do you have any money?

  Helen I’m sorry?

  Jonathan Money. I’m rather hoping that you’re carrying cash.

  Helen No.

  Jonathan I really could do with an injection of capital.

  Helen No chance.

  Jonathan Thing is they send you out of rehab and what they don’t take into account is you need a good lump sum if your dealer’s even going to offer you some second-rate gear.

  Helen I don’t give money to people with a drug problem.

  Jonathan I have a cash problem. My problem is I think you’ve got some money and I don’t want to use force to get it from you.

  Helen That sounds very threatening.

  Jonathan I suppose it does.

  Helen Maybe I’ll call security.

  Jonathan How unfortunate, ‘Wannabe MP in terrace fracas’.

  Helen I think you ought to leave.

  Jonathan Alright Helen, alright then. But maybe, Helen, I could take a number . . .

  Helen No.

  Jonathan Should, Helen, I need to contact you.

  Helen I don’t think so.

  Jonathan I think, Helen, it would be good if we could talk at a later date.

  Helen You’re not getting any money.

  Jonathan I’m sorry, it is Helen, isn’t it? Yes of course it is. Sometime pamphleteer. Sometime, a long time ago now, writer of ‘A guide to destroying the rich’. Yes? Of course, yes. ‘We will start with individuals. One by one we will capture them, we will capture their children. There are a thousand years of injustice to reverse. When we strike it will be with a deadly cruelty which will wipe out a thousand years of suffering.’

  Helen That was another person.

  Jonathan Of course it was. It was you but still . . .

  Helen Another person.

  Jonathan Yes.

  Helen That was . . . It was a child.

  Jonathan Of course here on the terrace, the Thames, waiting for tea. It all seems like another world. But still, when you’ve suffered as I’ve suffered. When Nick took you at your word. Followed you to the letter. When my body was beaten and scarred . . .

  Helen I’m sorry.

  Jonathan Please.

  Helen I’m so sorry for all he . . . we . . . did to you.

  Jonathan Very fashionable now, sorry, isn’t it? Sorry we bombed your embassy, sorry about that famine, sorry we injected you with that virus and observed you as you died. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Well it doesn’t fucking work, okay? It won’t work.

  Helen Look, have some money.

  Jonathan That’s very generous of you.

  Helen Please. It’s the least I can . . .

  Jonathan My dealer will sleep easy in his bed for this.

  Helen hands him a ten-pound note.

  Jonathan Ten pounds?

  Helen It’s all I’ve got.

  Jonathan Ten pounds?

  Helen Take it.

  Jonathan No, Helen, I don’t want ten pounds, Helen. Don’t be so fucking stupid. I mean, do I look like a junkie? You’re going to have to sort out the bullshit from the truth if you want a future in Government. Where’s Nick?

  Helen I don’t know.

  Jonathan Come on. He’s out. Bound to head straight for you.

  Helen I don’t know where he is.

  Jonathan You’ve got to help me. It hurts so much the past, you know? I’ve got to find Nick.

  Scene Five

  Nadia’s flat.

  Very loud music. Victor is dancing in a pair of shorts as Tim cheers him on.

  Tim Go baby go. Go, go, go, go.

  Enter Nick.

  Nick What the fuck?

  Victor dances around Nick, bumping and grinding him. Nick tries to push him away. Victor carries on.

  Nick Where’s Nadia? Where is she?

  The dancing carries on. Nick grabs Victor and shakes him.

  Tell me where she is.

  Victor Craz-eeeee.

  Tim pulls Nick off Victor. Pause. Nick turns off the music.

  Nick Where’s Nadia?

  Tim You must be Nick.

  Nick Tell me where she is.

  Tim I’ve heard about you.

  Nick (to Victor) Do you know where she is?

  Tim You won’t get any sense from him.

  Victor Off my tits, yeah.

  Victor continues to gyrate in silence.

  Nick What’s wrong with him?

  Tim He’s happy. Leave him alone, he’s mine.

  Nick Who are you?

  Tim I’m Nadia’s very best and closest friend.

  Nick Right. I can’t find her. She’s supposed to be back and . . .

  Tim She’s supposed to be back . . . ?

  Nick Ten minutes ago.

  Tim Ten minutes?

  Nick Ten minutes, yeah, and she’s not here and I was getting worried and I went to look for her and . . .

  Tim Nadia attracts people like you.

  Nick People like . . .

  Tim Obsessive people.

  Nick I’m not. I care about her. I want to look after her.

  Tim As long as you respect her space.

  Nick I want to watch her all the time.

  Tim She’s her own person.

  Nick But she’s her own person. Yes.

  Tim Ten minutes. Yes, obsessive and dangerous people.

  Nick I’m not. No, no.

  Victor (to Nick) You like my body?

  Nick What?

  Victor You like my body?

  Tim Tell him yes.

  Nick I think something’s happened to her.

  Victor He doesn’t like my body. Fucking bastard.

  Tim Upset him now. (To Victor.) Alright, baby. It’s alright.

  Victor I’ve got a fucking fantastic body.

  Tim Easy, baby, easy.

  Victor Guys go crazy for my body.

  Tim Sit, SIT. (To Nick.) You have to be firm with them. So . . . Nineteen eighty-four. You’ve been away since nineteen eighty-four.

  Nick That’s right.

  Tim In prison since nineteen eighty-four.

  Nick That’s right.

  Tim A
lot’s happened since nineteen eighty-four. A lot to catch up on.

  Nick I suppose there must be.

  Tim Well my balls have dropped for a start. Nineteen eighty-eight that was. And I started shaving. Nineteen ninety.

  Victor I want the music.

  Tim I told you. (To Nick.) Bit of whizz and he keeps going for three days. (To Victor.) Wait. Daddy’s talking. (To Nick.) Nadia’s a good person, you know?

  Nick She’s been good to me.

  Tim She really likes you. I know that for a fact because she told me. So you be good to her.

  Nick I will be.

  Tim Because we’re not going to let Nadia live with a bloke who isn’t good to her.

  Nick I’m doing my best.

  Tim Which is all that any of us can do.

  Tim’s beeper goes off.

  Victor Time for the medication.

  Victor gets pills and water from his bag.

  Tim Now these are something you won’t have seen in nineteen eighty-four. These are new. You wouldn’t have seen these in nineteen ninety-four.

  Nick What are they?

  Tim In nineteen eighty-four you were calling it a plague, weren’t you?

  Nick I don’t know.

  Tim Oh I think you were.

  Victor Yes. Gay plague. Honey. Chug, chug, chug.

  Victor feeds Tim the pill.

  Nick Maybe the tabloids / they were always reactionary bastards . . .

  Tim In nineteen eighty-four I would have been dead in six months. Whereas now . . .

  Victor Chug, chug, chug.

  Victor feeds Tim another pill.

  Nick You’ve been cured?

  Tim I can spin it out for years and years.

  Victor Maybe for ever.

  Nick That’s good, isn’t it?

  Tim It’s fucking marvellous.

  Victor Chooo-ooo.

  Another pill.

  Tim The story’s got a happy ending. That’s something you’ve got to get used to. We’ve reached ‘They all lived happily ever after’ and we’ve gone past it and we’re still carrying on. Nobody’s ever written that bit before but we’re doing it. This is the happy world.

  Victor Yes, happy world.

  Tim And you’re part of it now.

  Victor Welcome to happy world.

  Nick Maybe I don’t see it like that.

  Tim You’ll get used to it.

  Nick Maybe it’s not like that. Maybe there’s terrible things. Maybe there’s injustices that make you angry, that make you want to protest . . . make you want to . . .