Victor And also disgusted.
Tim Well, of course you’re disgusted. But you love me.
Victor Yes.
Tim And I think we’re allowed one final request.
Victor Alright.
Victor’s hand moves under the sheet and on to Tim’s erection.
Tim Does that feel nice?
Victor Yes.
Tim Why do you think that’s nice? I think you’re sick. Twisted. Touching up a corpse.
Victor It’s nice because it means you . . .
Tim What? What?
Victor You want me.
Tim Yes.
Victor And maybe you love me.
Tim No. I don’t think it ever meant that.
Victor No?
Tim Maybe I need you or I need someone. To stop me being alone. Alone with this. (Indicates his erection.) But don’t confuse that with love.
Victor So what is love?
Tim I never found out.
Victor You never loved me?
Tim I don’t know if I ever loved you because I never knew what love was.
Victor Fuck you.
Tim No point me lying now, baby. Might as well get it all out in the open before I hit the morgue.
Victor I want you to lie to me. Please. Make this like an opera. Sing to me. I hold you in my arms and tell me you will love me for ever.
Tim I can’t do that. Play with me.
Victor No.
Tim Make me come. This is real. Make me come.
Victor It’s terrible.
Tim It’s what I want.
Victor starts to masturbate Tim, crying as he does.
Victor This is so shit. I hate this. Is this all there is?
Tim That’s it. Yes.
Victor There’s got to be more than this. What is there? This is . . . animals. What makes us better than animals? Revolution never saved us. Money never saved us. No love. I want more than this.
Tim Faster. Faster.
Victor What is it? Children? To have a child? Is that what save us? I can’t have a child. Fuck this gay. Fuck these men and their fucking together.
Tim That’s good. You’re good. I love you. I love you.
Victor You only say that when I do this.
Tim Oh yes.
Victor Why can’t you say that some other time?
Victor pulls away.
Tim Don’t stop.
Victor Why do you only say ‘I love you’ when you feel orgasm coming?
Tim That’s when I feel like saying it.
Victor Just one time.
Tim Fuck you. Don’t leave me like this. Finish me off. Finish it.
Victor No.
Enter Nadia. She can’t hear Tim when he speaks.
Nadia How are you?
Victor Okay.
Nadia Did you know what to do?
Victor I guess. I will leave you now.
Exit Victor. Nadia sits.
Nadia Well . . . goodbye. I . . . goodbye.
Tim Can you hear me?
Pause.
Please. Try to hear me.
Nadia You were like a brother. I just want to say that.
Tim Bring him back. I didn’t mean that. I didn’t want to hurt him.
Nadia So, now I’m alone. That’s what I’ve always been scared of. Being on my own. I’m talking, talking to someone and the words don’t matter. Because what I’m really saying is . . . don’t leave the room. Don’t walk out. Don’t leave me on my own.
Tim Yes. Don’t want to be alone now.
Nadia Anything to be with someone. You want my body? Fine. Just stay with me a few hours. And Simon? Simon’s hitting me. But I’m with someone. Bleeding but somebody’s there.
Tim Got to love someone before I’m buried.
Nadia Well, I’ve learnt from this. I’m going to be on my own and I’m going to learn to do that. Hours of . . . days of . . . no one else.
Tim I’ll follow him. I’ll stalk him. I’ll haunt him.
Nadia Goodbye. Goodbye.
Tim I love him.
Scene Ten
Club.
Nick is sitting.
Nick Hello.
Victor Hello, Mr Socialist.
Nick You dancing tonight?
Victor No. I’m not dancing any more.
Nick I wanna watch you dance.
Victor I stop dancing. I come to get my money. Yes – my money and my clothes. You look terrible.
Nick Yeah.
Victor Please. What has happened to you?
Nick I can’t remember.
Victor You must remember.
Nick No. I don’t remember anything. I’ve been drinking.
Victor Socialist always drink.
Nick You think so?
Victor In my country. Yes. Man is rational being, they say. Society must be organised in rational way, they say. And they drink one bottle of vodka every day until they fall on the floor. This is you.
Nick I’ve been drinking. But I’m not a socialist.
Victor You told me.
Nick Yeah, well. I changed my mind.
Victor Good boy.
Nick I thought you’d tell me where Nadia is.
Victor I don’t know.
Nick Please. You’ve got to help me. I want to see her. Make things alright. I want to be part of Happy World.
Victor Happy World?
Nick Yeah. Every day is a new day. Take responsibility for ourselves. Not let the world get to us.
Victor Fuck this Happy World, okay? Big fucking lie.
Nick But you told me.
Victor Yes. Well I changed my mind. You must forget this Nadia.
Nick I can’t.
Victor The past is the past. You cannot go back to someone. You are with someone for a time but then you leave this person and you move on.
Nick But I can’t keep on leaving people. I can’t always be moving.
Victor Yes. This is the only thing you can do.
Nick Just stay with somebody and do what you can to look after them.
Victor Forget them. They are the past. Move away. You can be anywhere in the world. The world is not so big, you know? There’s the same music, the same burgers, the same people. Everywhere in the world. You can keep moving all the time and still be in the same place.
Nick I want a place I can be. Ignore the world. Look after someone I love. I want a home.
Victor And what is this home? Nothing is fixed any more. You cannot say ‘this is home’.
Helen enters.
Victor You have to keep moving. Yes. This is what I will do. This is what you should do.
Helen Nick. God, you look terrible. What happened to you? (To Victor.) What happened to him?
Victor Socialist. Drinker.
Victor exits.
Nick Meaningless, yeah? Well, this is meaningless, alright? Drinking and begging and sleeping in piss in doorways. This is what I am now. And I don’t want to be saved.
Helen I’m not here to save you.
Nick Well, good.
Helen You’ve got to talk to him, Nick. He’s had you followed. He’s threatening to go to the press. He’s asked / me to talk to you.
Nick I don’t want to see you. I’m looking for Nadia.
Helen Nadia?
Nick Yeah, Nadia.
Helen Nadia is . . .
Nick Someone I’ve got attached to . . .
Helen I see. And who is this Nadia? I thought you were attached to me.
Nick Well yeah . . .
Helen But – what? – now you’ve moved on.
Nick I suppose that’s right. Yes.
Helen And you expect me to deal with him on my own? This is an important time for me. This is your crap and you’re going to have to deal with it.
Nick I can’t.
Helen If you hadn’t done this to him in the first place . . .
Nick I’ve got to forget that now. I’ve got to let it go.
Helen Let it go?
Nick Yeah. If
I’m going to change and . . . change and grow as a person then I’ve got to let all that go.
Helen When did you start talking like that? Is this Nadia? Does Nadia talk like this?
Enter Nadia.
Nadia Hello, Nick.
Nick Sweetheart.
Nadia I’m looking for Victor.
Nick You’ve been crying.
Nadia Yes. Tim died this morning.
Nick I’m sorry. Victor didn’t say.
Nadia He’s here?
Helen You must be / Nadia.
Nick Nadia, this is Helen.
Nadia Right. I’ve heard about you.
Helen Well good.
Nadia I didn’t realise you were still around.
Helen I pop up from time to time.
Nadia cries.
Nick (to Helen) I think you ought to go now.
Helen I’m not going.
Nick Nadia’s lost a friend.
Helen And I’m sorry about that. But you’re not leaving me / to deal with this.
Nick moves to hold Nadia.
Nick Go on. Nadia needs me. Don’t you, sweetheart?
Nadia I think you should go to her.
Helen I don’t want that.
Nadia Helen wants you, don’t you, Helen?
Helen I want . . . what I want is for Nick to stop running away.
Nadia Go to her. Go to Helen.
Exit Nadia.
Helen I think Nadia’s letting you go.
Nick She’s upset.
Helen I think she’s changing and growing and letting you go.
Nick Fuck off out of here.
Helen Alright then. Alright. Ruined everything. With your gestures. Your anger. So, leave me to live with that. And you see if you can hold on to Nadia. But it looks to me like Nadia is a child and I don’t think she’s going to want you for very much longer. But hey – it could be fun for a while. So change and grow – you cunt.
Exit Helen. Enter Victor followed by Nadia.
Nadia Victor. Please. Where did you go – just ran away?
Victor No.
Nadia You disappeared.
Victor I think London is a shitty place. I think it is time for me to move on. And I think Tokyo is much better. Absolutely fucking crazy.
Nadia If that’s what you want.
Victor Yes. I think I will be model in Tokyo and I will have my own TV show. And one day I will take many drugs and die in the snow in the mountains. I get my money.
Victor exits.
Nick Sweetheart.
Nadia You’re still there. I’d wiped you out. Past tense.
Nick Please. I love you.
Nadia And what does that mean, Nick? It means you want to stay because all the other stuff in your life is too frightening.
Nick No.
Nadia Because all the stuff out there is frightening and if you say ‘I’m in love with you’ then it’ll be like a charm and all the nasty stuff won’t get to you.
Nick You reckon?
Nadia I’m letting you go.
Nick Letting me go so you can move on and change and grow as a person?
Nadia No. I don’t need the bullshit. And I don’t need you any more. What I want is to be on my own. Anything else is just running away. Deal with the nasty stuff, okay? I saw what you did. To that man.
Nick Which . . .
Nadia To that man’s body. Deep scars. I felt so sorry for him, I would have slept with him.
Nick And what did you . . . ?
Nadia You must talk to him.
Nick And if I did . . . would you . . .
Nadia No. I don’t want you back. Don’t do it for that. Do it.
Nick Yes.
Nadia You’re going to talk to him?
Nick Yes. There’s nothing left. I’m going to talk to him.
Enter Victor.
Nadia Good.
Victor Bye, Mr Socialist.
Exit Nick.
Victor I go to airport. Find a guy to take me to Japan.
Nadia I’ll miss you.
Victor No. You forget me tomorrow. Close your eyes and you won’t be able to picture this face.
Nadia I will.
Victor You want to take Polaroid?
Nadia Yes.
Victor produces a Polaroid camera from his bag. Poses for Nadia. Enter Tim.
Tim Baby. I want you. I got frightened. Angry because I was ill, but I’m free now. Dead and free and I can tell you what I feel. I love you, baby.
Victor I will forget you.
Nadia No, Victor.
Tim I won’t let you. I’ll be with you wherever you go. Face on a Tamagotchi. Tourist in a kimono. I’ll be there.
Victor No. I’ll cut it out of me.
Nadia I’ll remember. I want to remember.
Nadia takes the Polaroid.
Tim You’ll be sleeping in your tiny room in Japan. An earthquake will begin. You’ll be holding to your bed. Shaking. Shaking. The building will collapse. No food. No water for three days. Voices will call from the rubble in Japanese. You’re going to thank fuck I’m there.
Nadia Here we are. Starting to develop now. I can see Tim. Can you see Tim? Is he still there?
Victor Of course not. You are crazy.
Tim That’s not true. He’s lying.
Victor You see a dead man?
Nadia He’s gone away now. Nothing. There. Something to remember you by.
Scene Eleven
Boardroom.
Nick waits. Enter Jonathan.
Jonathan Hello. I thought it was you. Security guard said: ‘He’s a madman. Or a drunk. Mad drunk. We’ll throw him out. Or call the police.’ And I said: ‘No. I think I know who it is. Send him up.’
Nick You’ve been looking for me.
Jonathan Yes.
Nick You’ve been threatening people.
Jonathan I’ve been persistent.
Nick Threatening people close to me.
Jonathan I wanted to find you.
Nick Why?
Jonathan I think . . . to hurt you. Punish you. I think that’s what I want.
Nick I deserve that. Here I am. What are you going to do?
Jonathan I’d imagined someone stronger.
Nick Come on. Come on.
Jonathan I’d imagined someone angry and threatening and . . .
Nick It’s not a trick. Look at me. I’m not gonna fight back.
Jonathan And someone worth fighting. And I’m looking at someone . . . weak. Lost.
Nick Empty. I feel empty.
Jonathan Yes. I think the world’s rather done the job for me.
Nick You can’t really get much lower, can you? There’s not much of me left.
Jonathan Pretty terrible place, the world, isn’t it? When you actually have to live in it.
Nick Horrible.
Jonathan All that confusion. All those people buzzing around hurting each other.
Nick But you get used to it.
Jonathan Exactly – you get used to it.
Nick I found myself thinking: Fuck, I wish I was inside again. Last few days. I’ve been standing there. Watching police cars. Hanging around parked cars when there’s police around. Setting off the alarms. Wah wah wah. Come on please. Put me away. One of you has got to save me.
Jonathan And . . . ?
Nick Nothing.
Jonathan Where’s a policeman when you need one, eh?
Nick That’s right.
Jonathan It’s good to see you.
Nick Yeah?
Jonathan Now that you’re here, it’s rather nice.
Nick Thanks.
Jonathan And me? Are you . . . ?
Nick Yeah. Pleased to see you.
Jonathan Nostalgia’s a tricky bitch, isn’t she? But really now, just at the moment, I feel rather nostalgic about the time we spent together.
Nick I came to say sorry.
Jonathan There’s no need for that. You look terrible. Would you like to take a shower? We’ve got a splendid showe
r just through here.
Nick I’m alright.
Jonathan Maybe later. And then how about some clean clothes?
Nick I don’t think so.
Jonathan I can send the girl out. It’s not a problem. She enjoys shopping for me. The offer’s there.
Nick It was much easier. Before. When I hated you. I knew where I stood.
Jonathan I know. You know the territory and then suddenly . . .
Nick Lost.
Jonathan Horrible, isn’t it?
Nick Wish I had the strength left to hate you.
Jonathan I think we both miss the struggle. It’s all been rather easy for me these last few years. And I start to feel guilty if things come too easily. But really money, capitalism if you like, is the closest we’ve come to the way that people actually live. And, sure, we can work out all sorts of other schemes, try and plan to make everything better. But ultimately the market is the only thing sensitive enough, flexible enough to actually respond to the way we tick.
Nick There’s nothing better?
Jonathan Maybe in a thousand years but for now . . .
Nick It’s the best we’ve got.
Jonathan Exactly. So. You can spend your time like Helen. Rush around, regulate a bit. Soften the blow for a few of the losers. All very necessary. Important work. Absolutely. But rather dull. I think it’s made Helen rather . . .
Nick Dull. Yeah.
Jonathan Or you can say hey-ho – this is the way things are. So let’s get in there and make the most of it. How about that shower?
Nick Alright. Thanks.
Exit Jonathan. Nick starts to undress. Sound of shower starting. Enter Jonathan with towel.
Jonathan Warming up nicely. New clothes and you’ll feel much better.
Nick finishes undressing, wraps himself in the towel.
Jonathan Maybe you’d like to join me this afternoon. I’m making a trip. Eastern Europe. I’ve got a foundation. We’re doing some fantastic things. I had rather a run on currencies a few years ago. Governments were behaving in a spectacularly stupid fashion. Western governments. And I made the most ridiculous amounts of money. So, I’m doing what I can in Eastern Europe. Schools and hospitals and rehab centres. We’re really doing things. Oh – little flash of hatred in your eyes.
Nick No.
Jonathan Yes. Just for a moment – a flash of the old hatred.
Nick I don’t think so.
Jonathan Please. There’s no need to lie. You felt . . .
Nick Yeah. You cunt.
Jonathan Schools and hospitals and . . . but still . . .
Nick You cunt.
Jonathan Why do you think that is?
Ravenhill Plays: 1: Shopping and F***ing; Faust is Dead; Handbag; Some Explicit Polaroids (Contemporary Dramatists) Page 22
