If Only You Knew

by Carla Fredd

  "We've signed a prenuptial agreement already."

  "I know you love Ric, but can you handle being married to a man who's not totally devoted to you? Can you live with him day after day knowing one day your marriage will be over? Can you raise his child alone? Can you do that, baby girl?" Her mother's eyes were bright with tears.

  Each question was like an emotional blow to her heart.

  Although she'd asked herself those same questions months ago, it still hurt to hear them come from someone else. "I'll have to, Mama," she said quietly.

  "This is still the wrong way to start a marriage," Steve said.

  "I know that, but I don't have a choice."

  "You love him, but I haven't heard you say he loves you," James said as leaned forward in his chair.

  She looked at her hands, which she'd folded in her lap and said softly, "He cares for me, and right now that will have to be enough."

  Ric parked his car in front of Anna May's house, letting the engine idle. Three additional cars were parked in her driveway. He felt a flash of annoyance and considered coming back when the cars were gone, but he'd said he'd give her the ring tonight, and now was just as good a time as any. He turned off the engine and stepped out of his car.

  The crisp, cold wind had him turning up the collar of his coat. He checked his coat pocket. Through the heavy leather gloves, he felt the square ring box which he'd picked up earlier this evening. As he walked toward her house dodging patches of ice, he wondered if he was doing the right thing by marrying her. It was a question he'd asked himself over and over within the past twenty-four hours. He knew she would love their child and never abandon it like his mother had abandoned him. What he didn't know was if he could be just a friend after they'd become lovers. He'd always held back a part of himself from his previous lovers—but with Anna May, he couldn't. She already knew him better than anyone else, and when it came down to it, he didn't think he wanted to hold anything back with her.

  All afternoon images of the two of them making love had kept his temper on edge. Memories of their first kiss had his mind drifting during his two o'clock meeting. The sweet, innocent taste of her lips was like a potent wine in his blood that had him waiting and wanting more.

  Ringing the doorbell, he tried to push aside the erotic images in his head. When she opened the door, every erotic image and then some raced through his mind. The hot pink sweater which molded the curves of her breasts was made of a soft knit material that made his fingers ache to find out if it was as soft as it looked. Her jeans were old, almost nearly white with wear. His gaze traveled down her long legs to her bare feet. Damn, he thought, even her feet are sexy.

  "Hi," she said giving him a hesitant smile then lowering her voice. "My family's here."

  Her family. That explained the cars out front. It also explained the tense air around her.

  "Is everything all right?" he asked as he stepped inside, his protective instincts kicked into gear.

  Her laugh was sad and mocking. "Not really, but we'll work through it."

  Ric tightened his jaw in anger. "Did they give you a hard time?"

  "Not really. They're reacting like I thought they would. I'd probably act the same way if one of my brothers suddenly announced he was getting married in a few weeks. They're in the kitchen." She turned in the direction of the kitchen.

  "Wait," he said taking off his gloves and placing them on the table at his side. He reached inside his pocket, removing the black velvet jewelry box. The box joined the gloves on the table. Taking her hand, he put the ring on her finger. "Now it's official," he said.

  "It's official." She gently stroked the diamond with the tips of her fingers.

  Emotions he didn't care to acknowledge flowed through him. He cleared his throat and buried his feelings. "Let's go see your family."

  Tension was in the air, hovering over the room like the early morning fog. It reminded him of the days he'd lived with his grandmother when a harsh word or a quick blow was the norm. The four members of the Robinson family looked at him with emotions ranging from surprise from her parents to outright antagonism from both of her brothers.

  Instinctively he stood in front of her, creating a protective barrier between Anna May and her family. He could count the number of times he'd seen her parents in the past five years on two fingers, and both times had been accidental. He'd made a point of staying away when her family came into town.

  "Mama, Daddy, you remember Ric," she said moving from behind him to stand at his side.

  He wanted to thrust her behind him, to shield her from what weapons her family would send her way. Stepping forward, he held out his hand to her father, who was seated at the table. "Mr. Robinson. Mrs. Robinson," he said nodding his head to her mother who sat beside her husband.

  "Would you like something to drink?" Anna May asked.

  "No. I don't think your family considers this a social call," he said deciding that the best defense was a good offense.

  "You got that right," James muttered from his seat at the table.

  "Let's put the cards on the table. Anna May and I are getting married. None of you are happy with our decision, and you want us to wait. We aren't. We've made our decision, and whether you like it or not we will be married."

  "Ric!" She gasped at the steel-like quality of his tone.

  His tone softened, and his fiery gaze became gentle as he looked at her. "They need to understand our position on this matter. I won't have them upsetting you again."

  "You won't have us upsetting her,'' James said softly as he came to his feet. "Since when do you have the right to tell us anything, Ice Man?"

  Ric met his angry gaze with cool determination. "Anna May gave me the right when she agreed to be my wife."

  "Sit down, James," her father said in a forceful tone. When his son was seated, he turned to look at Ric.

  Standing his ground, Ric returned the older man's piercing gaze.

  "I love my daughter, Ric. Can you say the same?"

  The old man had him, Ric thought. Love, hell, he wasn't sure he even knew what the word meant anymore. He cared for Anna May but love her? "No, I can't."

  If looks could kill, he'd have been dead twice over, he thought judging from the glares her brothers sent his way.

  "Daddy"—Anna May's tearful voice broke the silence—"why?"

  "Why?" her father's voice boomed. "I've watched you give your friendship, give your love to him and get very little in return. Now you want to give yourself, become one with a man who can't tell you he loves you? It's time you got something back. You deserve more."

  "Yes, she deserves more," Ric said sharply meeting the older man's angry gaze. "But she wants to marry me, and I'm going to see to it that she gets what she wants." He understood her father's anger—however, it wasn't going to stop him from marrying Anna May.

  "This is what I want, Daddy."

  He looked at his daughter with love, anger, and frustration. "What about what you need?"

  "What I want will have to be enough because I'm going to marry him."

  Ric felt anger bubble up inside him at the sound of the hurt in her voice. Instinctively he reached for her hand, rubbing his thumb across the back of it to comfort her.

  Her father studied their joined hands. "I'm not happy about this marriage," he said. "I think the reasons behind it are wrong, and the two of you are asking for heartache down the road. But if you're determined to get married, all of us will attend the wedding and all of us will accept your decision. Right or wrong."

  Her father and brothers left early the next morning, and with their departure most of the tension dissipated. She could understand, even sympathize, with their feelings, but she didn't think they understood hers. From the moment she'd learned of her condition, she'd felt as if she were racing against the clock. Time was something she didn't have if she was ever to have a child.

  The rattle of dishes interrupted her thoughts. Her mother entered the den, carrying a serving tray wi
th two cups. "I made some hot chocolate," she said placing the tray on the coffee table.

  The aroma of her mother's made-from-scratch hot chocolate filled the room. Sitting next to her on the sofa, her mother gave her a cup. They drank the hot chocolate in a comfortable silence.

  "Now that your father and brothers are gone, we can talk in peace." Her mother put aside her cup.

  "Mama, we've been through this before."

  "I know, but I have something I want to say ... then we won't talk about it again. Okay?"

  "Okay."

  "I've been thinking about this most of the night. I know your father wouldn't understand what I'm about to tell you, but I think you should know how I feel. Anna May, I think if I were in your situation I'd do exactly what you're doing."

  "Really, Mama?"

  "Yes, I would. Steve and your father would say remember the trouble Sarah caused when she acted on her own instead of waiting for God to bless her with Isaac, but I don't know if I could just wait around and not do anything." She took her daughter's hand. "Baby girl, you've never hidden the fact that you want children and lots of them. If getting married to Ric makes you happy, then I'm all for it."

  Anna May placed her cup on the tray and put her arms around her mother. "Thank you, Mama."

  "You're welcome," she said tightening her arms around her briefly before leaning back and reaching into the pocket of her dress. "Here's a tissue."

  She laughed and wiped away the tears on her cheeks. "You're also prepared."

  "If you didn't need it, I certainly did," her mother replied wiping away her own tears. "Come on, let's get a move on," she said as she stood.

  "Where are we going, Mama?"

  "We've got a wedding to plan. Why do you think I'm staying until next week?"

  "But I've got everything planned already. I've got my dress, the church is reserved, we've made reservations at a restaurant downtown for the reception, and the invitations have been mailed. There's nothing else to do but show up."

  "What about flowers, music, the photographer?"

  "The florist will deliver them the day of the wedding. Oh, I'd better make sure Ric tells his aunt and uncle to get there a little early so they can get their flowers."

  "You haven't talked to them yourself?"

  "No, Ric is taking care of them."

  "Uhh, honey. No disrespect to Ric, but when it comes to weddings, men have a tendency to forget things. You might want to talk to them yourself, just to make sure."

  "You think so?"

  "Trust me on this one."

  Later that afternoon when her mother left to run an errand, Anna May called Ric's family after looking up the telephone number in the local telephone directory.

  "Hello, Mrs. Steward. This is Anna May Robinson."

  "Well, hello, Anna May. Nice to hear from you. It's been a long time. How's your family?" Mrs. Steward asked.

  Anna May caught her up on her family since the last time they'd spoken to each other years ago.

  "Listen, the reason I'm calling," Anna May said, "is that I wanted to make sure you came to the wedding early."

  "Oh, you're getting married, dear. Congratulations. Who's the lucky young man?"

  Anna May couldn't believe what she was hearing. "Mrs. Steward, Ric and I are getting married. Didn't he tell you?"

  "No, he didn't," she said softly, unable to hide the hurt in her voice.

  "Well, I'm sure he'll be calling soon. We just became engaged," Anna May hurriedly explained. "You should get your invitation in the mail soon, but let me give you the date and time."

  Minutes later she replayed the conversation with his aunt over in her mind. Anna May still couldn't believe that he hadn't told them about the wedding. She was definitely going to talk to him about it. With the verbal invitation issued, she walked to the den where she had extra wedding invitations. She sat down at her desk and addressed an invitation to his family.

  Ric and Anna May had played telephone tag the past week because he'd had to go out of the country on business. She'd left him a message stating that the church was booked for the following Saturday. He'd left a message stating he'd had keys to his house made and she should receive them in the mail the next day. She left a message she'd received the keys. He left a message that he'd be back home the next day.

  She still hadn't spoken to him about his aunt and uncle. The situation with his family she felt should be discussed face-to-face, not over the telephone. Tonight she'd make sure to talk to him when he arrived home.

  It wasn't the most romantic engagement she'd dreamed of: with the candlelight dinners, long sexy telephone conversations, joyous support from both families, and a fiancé eager to make her his wife. No, this engagement was all business, with a prenuptial agreement to prove it.

  She should be happy that he even agreed to marry her and give her a child in the first place, she told herself. But deep in her heart, she wanted Ric to love her like she loved him. Mind, body, and soul. She wanted Ric to want to marry, to want her to have his child.

  "Earth to Anna May. Earth to Anna May. Come in, Anna May," Janet said waving her hand in front of Anna May's face.

  "Sorry."

  "What were you thinking about?" Janet asked. "You were in another world."

  "I was thinking about my wedding. It's not like I'd pictured it to be."

  "Oh, you mean with the long white dress, a church full of friends and family, and the wedding march playing in the background." Janet placed another stack of clothes in the box she was packing.

  "A man who loves me," Anna May said quietly.

  "Many women have that kind of wedding and end up divorced. Look at Marianne. She was married in front of three hundred people, in a great big old church to a man who supposedly loved her and look what happened."

  "I know," she said then laughed. "This must be prewedding nerves. Ric is the most solid man I know and my best friend."

  "Solid isn't the word. Try immovable object."

  "He is not, Janet. You need to stop."

  "With everybody but you, Ric makes Stone Mountain look like a marshmallow. Listen, I've been reading up on this marriage thing," Janet said.

  "Oh, no."

  "I'm serious now, Anna May. Most couples who've been married twenty, thirty, forty years are friends first and always."

  Anna May folded her arms. "Yeah, so?"

  "You and Ric are friends. It shouldn't take much for friendship to turn to love."

  "How exactly am I supposed to do that? We've been friends for years, and he hasn't fallen in love with me."

  "Have you ever let him know you're interested in more than friendship—and I'm not talking about the one time in college when you got drunk because that doesn't count. Everybody at that party thought you were kidding around. I'm talking recent history."

  "You know I haven't"

  "Well, you'll be living and sleeping with the man you love. If I were you, I'd find a way to make this man fall in love with me."

  Could she do it? Could Ric fall in love with her and make their marriage a real marriage? She could give it a try. After all, what did she have to lose.

  "You know, Janet, you're right"

  "Of course, I'm right."

  "And modest, too."

  "Modesty is for sissies."

  "I thought you said tact was for sissies."

  "It is. That's why I can't wait to tell that snotnose apartment manager what he can do with that apartment."

  Anna May closed the flaps of the cardboard box. "Are you sure you don't mind moving in?" she asked.

  "Anna May. You've asked me twice if I mind moving into your house rent free for a year, and I'll tell you again. I don't mind." Janet looked at her friend in disbelief as she assembled and taped another box.

  "I know, but I just want to make sure," she said looking around her bedroom. The contents of her nightstand and dresser drawers were now packed away in boxes waiting to be delivered to her new home, Ric's home.

  "Hey, gir
lfriend. I think this wedding is starting to get to you. Are you having premarital jitters?"

  "No, I'm fine," Anna May insisted.

  "Yeah, right. Then tell me why did you just pack the tape dispenser?"

  Heat rushed to her face as she removed the dispenser from the box she'd been packing. "Maybe this wedding thing is starting to get to me."

  "You need to take a break," Janet said. "I'll finish in here. You go to a movie, get a facial, do something to take your mind off this wedding for an hour or so. Go to the lingerie place because if this"—she held up a part of white cotton long johns—"is what you're wearing, you need a wardrobe change. Fast."

  "Put that back," Anna May said knowing her face was red.

  "Oh, wait. Tell me you have sexy lingerie."

  "Janet, leave me alone."

  "No, no? Silky lingerie is up there with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness."

  "Last time I checked, silky wasn't mentioned in the Bill of Rights."

  "Anna May," her mother called from the front of the house. "Ric's here."

  Anna May nearly sighed in relief.

  "Hmm," Janet said with a smirk on her face, her eyebrows moving up and down. "Why don't you ask your future husband if silky bits of lingerie should be added to the bill."

  "You are a nut."

  "No, I'm a woman who appreciates a good-looking man when she sees one, and here's one right now."

  What was it about him that made her love him? The sight of him wearing the gray pinstripe suit shouldn't have sent warm, tingly flutters to her stomach. But it did. His smile shouldn't have made her heartbeat race. But it did.

  "Hello, Anna May, Janet."

  "Hi, Ric," Janet said looking from one to the other before placing the empty box on the floor. "I'm going to get something to drink," she added then left the room.

  "I see you've almost finished packing," he said.

  "Uh-huh ..."

  "All that's left is the ceremony."

  "Yeah ..."

  "What? Are you having second thoughts?"

  Anna May sat on the bare mattress. "Second, third, and fourth thoughts. I want a child so much, and I wonder if I didn't strong-arm you into this marriage."