by Ivy Smoak
Rob started laughing. “I’ve never seen someone get so excited by an apology before.”
I covered my growing erection with my hand and looked over at Tanner. “You said your job here is done. What the hell did you do?”
He grabbed the green juice from my hand. “Nothing you didn’t deserve.”
“Did you slip something in my drink? What the fuck was it? A boner pill?” If I was still holding the glass I would have thrown the green juice in his face.
“You drugged James at his bachelor party when you were being spiteful. So it only seemed fitting that you got drugged in return. And no one seemed to want to do it. So I stepped up. Like the saying goes…revenge is best served hard.”
Rob laughed. “Okay, I have to admit that’s pretty funny. Nice one, Tanner.”
Tanner smiled. “Thanks, Robert.”
“Revenge is best served hard.” Mason laughed. “Have you been planning this since our last guys’ night? When you insisted that was a phrase?”
“Well, it was a simple plan,” Tanner said. “I was just trying to fix Matt’s mistakes. What do you say, James?”
James chuckled. “Honestly I don’t even really remember that night at the Blue Parrot Resort. But we’ll all remember this. Well played, Tanner.”
Tanner smiled. “So we’re all good here? Shall we head home, Matt?”
“We’re not all good,” I said. Having a boner in front of all my friends seemed a lot worse than tripping balls to me. No one deserved this hell. They all laughed at me while I tried to get it under control. “Undo what you just did, Tanner.”
“No can do,” Tanner said with a laugh. “You’ll have to…take care of it. Actually, I’m not sure that’s how it works. It might just remain like that for about 4 hours. I didn’t read the label.”
“Four hours?! I can’t let Nigel see me like this!”
“Wait, who is Nigel?” Rob asked.
“My houseboy,” Tanner said.
“Houseboy? What the hell is that even?”
“Like a personal assistant with a bath fetish,” I said. “And I’m not going home so he can see me like this.”
“Whoa, wait,” Rob said. “You’re living with Tanner? When the hell did this happen?”
“Cool your loins, Young Robert,” Tanner said. “Best friends usually do live together.”
“Right, which is why he should be living with me,” Rob said.
I ignored them. “When I was worried about the hitwoman, Tanner offered to let me stay with him…”
“You could have stayed with me,” Rob said. “You know that.”
“It was just for a few nights. I’m moving out tomorrow.”
“Depending on Nigel’s schedule,” Tanner added. “Speaking of which, he will be worried. Let’s get going.” He slapped me on the back like a good friend that hadn’t just given me a boner in front of all my other friends.
James started laughing harder. “In the handbook about interventions I read, you’re supposed to hug at the end. Can we skip that part so Matt doesn’t try to sword fight us?”
“Shut up,” I mumbled. But I couldn’t help but laugh. This was too ridiculous not to. “And I’m good without a hug.”
“We can tell you’re good,” Mason said.
“Well, only as good as a Caldwell can get,” Rob said. He pretended to cough. “Tiny dicks.” He coughed again.
“Yeah right, Rob,” Mason said. “Drink some juice and prove you’re bigger.”
“Fine.” Rob got up. “I will. Hunters for the win.”
But before he could grab the glass, Tanner dumped it into a houseplant. “You won’t be wanting to drink that. There were a lot of pills in there.”
“What the fuck?” I said. “Do I need to go to a hospital?”
“The houseplant is probably worse off than you are. You just need some rest. We’ll see you tomorrow for guys’ night,” Tanner said, inviting himself as usual. “Ciao.”
He put his arm around my shoulders to lead me out of the study.
I pushed him off. “Dude, don’t touch me when I have a boner.”
“It’s not a real boner. It’s a fake one.”
“It sure feels real to me.”
Tanner laughed. “Well, I hope you learned your lesson. Next time don’t drug someone.”
“Same advice to you, man.”
“You’ll be fine in no time. I’ll have Nigel whip you up something to alleviate that.”
“Don’t you dare tell Nigel I have a boner.” I heard more laughter and turned around.
James was standing there shaking his head. “Just for the record, I wasn’t mad at you about my bachelor party. But we’re definitely even now.”
“Good to know that this wasn’t necessary,” I groaned.
“See you tomorrow,” said James.
“Daddy, Daddy!” Scarlett ran into the foyer.
“Pumpkin, what are you doing out of bed?”
Scarlett slid to a stop. “I was thirsty.” Her eyes grew round. “What’s in Uncle Matt’s pants?”
“Um…” James started.
I cleared my throat. “It’s not…”
“It’s a snake,” Tanner said.
Scarlett screamed and ran out of the room.
James shook his head. “I’m going to go deal with that. She has a thing about snakes. Later, guys.”
Tanner opened up the door.
“I’m going to kill you,” I grumbled.
“Is it going to be a feeble attempt like when you tried to slap me at dinner? Good luck, Matt. You can’t touch me. And I did you a favor. I fixed your relationship with your other, lesser friends.”
“I had already done that by apologizing.”
He shrugged. “Well, I’m sure this was the cherry on top for all of them.”
“Rob’s my best friend now,” I said.
Tanner laughed. “That’s just your boner talking.” He frowned. “Wow that sounded really gay.” He shook his head. “What a night, huh?”
Chapter 36
Thursday
Nigel stared at me as I held ice on my dick.
“Please stop looking at it,” I said.
“Then how else are we going to know if the swelling goes down?” he asked.
“I’ll tell you.” Stop staring at my penis, Nigel.
“The hitwoman has been called off,” Tanner said. “So Matt is safe to move home. Could you coordinate the arrangements, Nigel?”
“I’ll have to check my calendar,” he said.
Tanner just stared at him.
“Would you like me to check it now, Master Tanner?”
“Yes.”
Nigel nodded. “Let me go get my planner.” He bowed and ran off.
“Thanks for bringing it up to him,” I said.
“No problem. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have company.”
“Who?” I asked. There was no one else here.
There was a knock on the door.
“Here she is. Have fun with your ice. Maybe you should invite Kennedy over. If you do, knock on my door so I can meet her before she takes care of that for you.”
“I’m not inviting Kennedy over right now.” She’d never let me live this down. Plus she’d wonder why I was living in this weird apartment with Tanner instead of at my own house. A whole restaurant already thought we were gay after that kiss. I didn’t want a fake relationship with Tanner to be in the tabloids next.
“Wow,” said a petite brunette as she walked into the kitchen. She ran her hand along the granite countertops. “This place is amazing. I would die to cook in this kitchen.”
“What would you make?” Tanner asked, resting his elbows on the counter, staring at her.
“Hmm…” she said with a seductive smile. “Homemade whipped cream perhaps?”
“And what would you do with whipped cream when you have nothing to put it on?”
“I could think of a few things to put it on.”
Tanner pulled her close. “Is that so?�
��
She laughed.
I cleared my throat.
The girl screamed. “I didn’t realize anyone else was here.” Her face turned bright red.
“Ignore him,” Tanner said. “He was just retiring for the evening. Right, Matt?” He nodded toward the hall, trying to tell me to get lost, not at all subtly.
It was for the best. I probably needed to be alone with my stupid raging boner. “Yup,” I said, making a mental note to not eat anything that ever touched that counter. Because they were 100% about to have sex in this kitchen. “Night.”
“Night,” Tanner said to me and then looked back at his date. “Now where were we?” He lifted her up on the counter.
Yup, that kitchen was disgusting. I wandered down the hall. There was a Post-it note on my bedroom door.
Meet me at the pool.
Yours,
-Nigel
What the hell was that weird little man even talking about? There was no pool in Tanner’s apartment. And I wasn’t about to wander around One57 with a boner. I went to open up my door, only to realize that there was a second Post-it note where the first had been.
Two doors down on the left. I have news.
Yours,
-Nigel
What the…? I looked down the hall. There was no way this place was big enough for a pool. It wasn’t possible. I walked down the hall and opened the door Nigel had directed me to. And sure enough, there was a pool. Nigel was floating in the middle of it, wearing his butler outfit, sipping on some drink with an umbrella in it.
“Um…Nigel?” I said.
“Ah, Mr. Caldwell, I’m glad you found it. Join me.” He gestured to a float beside him.
This should have felt safer than him staring at me in a bath. But somehow it felt even worse. I was still holding ice on my junk. He had to see it was weird to request for me to get in this pool when I’d consumed who knew how many boner pills. “I’m good.”
Nigel sighed and slowly paddled over to me, keeping his drink steady. “I have bad news, Mr. Caldwell. Well, possibly good depending on what you think of it. I think it’s a positive.”
“What’s the news?”
“My schedule is booked solid for two months. So I’m afraid it will be some time before I can assist you with your move.”
Two months? “You’re literally relaxing in a pool right now.”
“Scheduled-in relaxation.” He pulled out a notebook I hadn’t seen a minute ago. “I’m allowed one minute of relaxation for every minute served. But that includes sleeping. So it really cuts into my free time. And I’m not very pleasant unless I get my R&R in.” He skipped a few pages. “And now that I’m looking closer, it might be more like three months. I’ll schedule you in for sometime after the new year.”
“Nigel…I need to move back home.”
“Are you not comfortable here?”
“No, that’s not it.” It’s partially it. “This isn’t my home.”
“I’ll do better.”
“Nigel, it has nothing to do with you.”
He blinked at me. “Is it about the meat in your lunch? You never texted me to say whether or not you liked it.”
“No. I mean, yes, the meat is fine. But no, it’s not about that.”
“Do you have a specific thing I can do to make your time more comfortable here?”
I sighed. “I’ll just hire movers. Don’t worry about it.”
Nigel shook his head. “I’m afraid I can’t approve that. Master Tanner is very specific about what company is allowed into his home.”
“He literally has a different girl here every night.”
“And I vet them before they’re allowed up.”
“Then you can vet my movers.”
“Vetting Master Tanner’s mistresses is in my schedule.” He jabbed a page with his finger. “Vetting big strong movers is not. I can schedule your mover vetting for January as well, if that is what you’d prefer. But I wouldn’t trust movers with all your personal possessions. It would be best if I did it for you.”
“In January?”
“Yes. Speaking of which, do you prefer a traditional Thanksgiving feast? Or more of a modern one?”
“I honestly have no idea what that means.”
“Modern it is. I’m so excited to spend the holidays with you. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m late for drawing you a bath.”
“Nigel, I don’t celebrate Thanksgiving.”
He stopped. “What do you mean you don’t celebrate Thanksgiving? It’s a treasured American tradition.”
“I just…don’t.” I hadn’t since Brooklyn died. I always spent the day alone. I didn’t want a traditional or modern thanksgiving. My stomach churned. But what would Kennedy think about that? I took a deep breath. “Actually, put me down for two for a modern Thanksgiving meal.”
“You’re inviting a friend, Mr. Caldwell?”
“Yup.”
Nigel stared at me. “I’ll see what I can do. The guest list is already extensive. And there’s only so much room at the table.”
“You mean that huge dining room table?”
“It’s smaller today. I removed some leaves.”
“Then you can add them back.”
He lifted up his notebook. “Not until January. I’ll go draw your bath. Do you want another ice pack?”
“I’m good.”
He bowed and ran away.
So strange. I pulled out my phone as I made my way back to my room. There was a text from Kennedy: “What’s the dress code for tomorrow? I don’t want to embarrass myself on our first official date.”
I smiled and texted her back. “Business casual.”
“Are you taking me to an office event?”
“I’m kidding. Casual. Super casual. But not slippers casual.”
“You needed me. I didn’t have time to change. And my slippers are adorable.”
I laughed. “They really are.”
“Good. I’ll wear them then.”
“Are you wearing them right now?”
She didn’t write me back right away. Fuck. Why had I asked her that? She was going to think I was a pervert. I shifted the ice pack on my boner. It wasn’t my fault that I was drugged. But right before I set my phone down on my nightstand, another text came through.
“Are you asking me if I’m wearing lingerie and sitting on a bed seductively all alone?”
“Yes.”
“I hate to break it to you, Matt, but that is not how I dress when I’m alone. Think more along the lines of a baggy t-shirt.”
“No bra?”
“You’re a terrible boyfriend.”
“I’m a great boyfriend.”
“That’s yet to be seen. We haven’t even been on one date yet and you’re asking me the ‘what are you wearing’ question.”
“I’m taking that as a yes to the no bra.”
“Good guess.”
I sat down on the edge of my bed. “I like picturing you like that.” Honestly, her in an old t-shirt waiting for me in bed sounded pretty great to me.
“Oh, do messy updos turn you on?” she asked.
“Well, I’m definitely turned on.” I swallowed hard as another text didn’t come through. Fuck. Too much. Sexting wasn’t exactly a Disney prince kind of move. But I was so fucking hard.
Another text came through: “Is that so?”
I couldn’t take it anymore. I unzipped my pants and wrapped my hand around my cock. It was cold from the ice and my hand felt amazingly warm. I could imagine it being Kennedy’s mouth around me. “I wish I was with you right now,” I said.
“Me too.”
I closed my eyes and ran my hand down my shaft. I imagined Kennedy on her knees looking up at me. Her nipples hard against the fabric of her shirt. I pictured her leaning forward, running her tongue along my tip.
Someone cleared their throat.
I opened my eyes to see Nigel staring at me. “Nigel, what the fuck?” I pulled up my pants.
“I was
drawing you a bath.”
“You’ve been in here this whole time? Get out!”
“But…”
“Nigel, get out of my room.”
“Yes, Mr. Caldwell. Enjoy your…bath. The water is the perfect temperature. I’ll be back in a minute to check on you.” He bowed and left.
The image of Kennedy on her knees had disappeared as quickly as it had come. But the good news was that my boner was finally receding. Apparently seeing Nigel watching me stroke myself was the key to making my dick soft. I should have known.
This was for the best. I’d been masturbating to a ghost for years. I didn’t need to imagine this with Kennedy. I could have the real thing.
I just needed to wait until she was ready. Although if her flirting was any indication, I wouldn’t have to wait that long. But we couldn’t go back to her mom’s place to do it. And I didn’t really feel comfortable bringing her here. I’d figure it out.
I texted her. “What do you think about getting a hotel room for tomorrow night?” I pressed send before I could talk myself out of it. I always took women to hotels. Kennedy was different. I would have taken her home but I didn’t have a bed there anymore. And we were going to need a bed. Well…maybe. A bed wasn’t entirely necessary.
“That depends on how our date goes,” she wrote back.
“It’s going to be a great date.”
“So cocky.”
I smiled. “Goodnight, Kennedy.”
“Goodnight, Matt.”
I looked down at the tub full of bubbles. Honestly, it looked pretty relaxing. I looked over my shoulder to make sure Nigel wasn’t watching, and then stripped and climbed in. I rested the back of my head on the edge of the tub. Tomorrow night was going to change everything. I’d had sex with too many women to remember. But I only ever loved one of them. I knew how that felt. And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t starting to feel that way again. Kissing Kennedy was intoxicating. And I just wanted more. All I could think of was more.
My friends were right. I’d needed an intervention a week ago. But now? I really was happy.
I heard footsteps, but didn’t bother to open my eyes. “Nigel, I really don’t need any assistance.”
