Home Sweet Gnome

by Jennifer Zane

The women left me so I could change into the full Roller Dolls uniform: the sixty-nine shirt, a red skirt just like the field hockey players wore with little red bike shorts beneath, red knee-highs. I felt like a cross between a candy striper and a waitress at a fifties drive-in restaurant.

  When JT saw me in the outfit, his eyes widened in surprise before narrowing. “Holy shit, Daphne.” He took my hand and tugged me along—easy to do since I was back on wheels, trying different doors on the lower level of the facility until he found one that not only opened, but was empty. It turned out to be a storage room for the concession stand supplies. He shut the door behind him, pushed the button on the knob to lock it.

  He didn’t waste a moment and kissed me, pressing me against the cinderblock wall. “You’re really tall in those skates,” he said, coming up for air. His hands started roaming over me, finding places that made me pant for him.

  “I’ve never done it in skates before,” I whispered as he licked and kissed my neck. “Oh, thanks for the hickey, by the way.”

  He pulled back and stared at me. Grinned wickedly. “My pleasure.”

  I rolled my eyes.

  “How are we going to do this?”

  He lifted me up off the floor, my ankles going around his waist, but there was no way I was going to get key articles of clothing off with the skates on.

  “Shit,” he muttered. Lowering me to the floor, he spun me around. I had to put my hands on the wall to keep from spinning all the way back with the wheels.

  “I’ve never done it with someone in skates before, but I’m willing to give it a whirl.” His hands started to work the little bike shorts down my legs. When he grabbed my hips and pulled back, heard the crinkling of a condom wrapper, I knew I was in for one hell of a whirl.

  CHAPTER TWELVE

  “There you two are!” Goldie called to us as we were working our way back to the ring to join the Roller Dolls. The stands were starting to fill, music blared from the loudspeakers and an announcer was starting to amp up the crowd. It was time for the teams to warm up and skater introductions to be made. “Where have you been?” she asked, although the way she looked us both over, she knew.

  “You have even less angst than before. What the hell is wrong with you?” Esther asked. In my roller skates, I was over a foot taller than she was.

  “I’m fine,” I told her.

  “Fine? You’re fine when the man you’re canoodling with has a date with the woman from Sturgis?” she asked. She gave JT the beady eye.

  He took a step back as if fearful.

  “Tonight?” I asked. Goldie had said the woman was going to Bozeman. I knew nothing about tonight.

  “No, not tonight,” JT said.

  “You’re on the first flight out in the morning,” Esther added.

  The look on JT’s face indicated Esther’s death was imminent.

  “Oh,” I said. I felt…empty. Like something was missing. Like I was being left again. Wait, we had made no promises. We’d both said we wanted different things. I told all of this to Goldie earlier. But being faced with the reality of it, hearing from JT himself that he was heading back to Bozeman to meet another woman was something different. It hurt. Especially after what we just did in the supply closet.

  “What about your bike?” Aunt Velma asked. She didn’t have a warm and fuzzy look on her face either.

  “Goldie’s agreed to tow it back to Bozeman.”

  “I thought we were selling the RV,” Aunt Velma said, looking to Goldie.

  “Have you seen it? It can’t be sold like that. Tomorrow, we’ll just drive it home and take it to the scrapyard.”

  “I thought we were going to see the biggest rocking chair!” Esther added.

  Goldie pursed her lips. “Esther, get a grip. The trip fell apart and we’re going home.”

  The coach called to me to join the team.

  “Come on, JT. Let’s go find our seats. You can tell me all about this Sarah person.”

  I narrowed my eyes and thought mean thoughts.

  “There’s the angst-filled look. Go get ’em, tiger.” Esther gave me a push on the back, rolling me in the direction of the team.

  ***

  I survived. Actually, I did better than that. I knew I was considered the enforcer in ice hockey, being the brute that liked to rough-house with players on the other team. But roller derby was a different experience entirely. It was…fun.

  After the first hip check, I settled into my role, quickly learning the plays that got our jammer out to the front. The Roller Dolls won the match by fourteen points. During the two hours of play, I completely forgot about Brazil and JT and Sarah and Aunt Velma. I forgot about everything and just had fun.

  The civic center was packed, the announcer stating that it was a sold-out crowd. Afterward, I celebrated in the center ring with the other Roller Dolls, even being asked to join them next season. When the owner of the team introduced himself, he thanked me personally for pulling in all of the fans.

  “I’m not sure how I could have done that,” I told him.

  The man was in his fifties, portly, with thinning hair and a wide grin. “I’ve been following you on Twitter. It was marketing genius on your part having your trip here tracked by so many fans. I just didn’t know you had such…diverse talents.”

  I lifted my brows and just stared.

  “Announcing you were going to be in the match, well, it was the biggest turnout we’ve ever had. Can I get a picture with you? I promise to post it to your Twitter feed and Facebook.”

  He thought I was Silky Tangles. Why wouldn’t he? “Can I get one of the back of your shirt too?”

  I smiled brittlely and spun around.

  “You did it!” Aunt Velma yelled, coming over and pulling me into a bear hug. “I told you, Tony, my niece could fill in.”

  “An actress and a Roller Doll. It’s quite a resume.”

  Someone called his name and he was off, pleased as punch.

  “You told them I was Silky Tangles?” I asked, truly hurt. This was worse than knowing JT was going to connect with Sarah. “I thought you were proud of me.”

  “Oh, honey, I’ve always been proud of you. But you have to admit, your followers really packed the stands. You not only helped win the championship, you helped bring new fans to the sport.”

  “I didn’t do it,” I countered. “Silky did.” I couldn’t stand there and argue with her. We were never going to see eye to eye. Ever.

  I’d made it across the ring before Goldie called me. I braked and waited for her. She was flanked by JT on one side and a woman that looked an awful lot like me on the other. I had to look twice at her and I realized who she was.

  Silky Tangles.

  “Daphne, there’s someone here I want you to meet,” Goldie said. “I’m guessing you know who she is.”

  I stared at my lookalike. It was remarkable how similar we were. Her hair, eye and skin color were almost identical to mine. Her hair was longer, but not styled like a beauty queen pageant as in her films. Her lips were fuller, but it could be the shiny lip gloss. I was taller than she in the skates, but we’d probably see eye to eye barefoot. Her breasts, well, they were definitely larger, although her clothes were fairly understated. Just a simple white V neck T-shirt and jeans.

  “Wow, you’re really pretty,” I said.

  Silky smiled at me. “I can say the same for you. You were crazy out there. I could never do something like that.”

  “Yeah, I’m a little crazy.” I was, actually. I was crazy.

  Was I the only one feeling a little awkward? Goldie was beaming and JT couldn’t help but glance between the two of us.

  “Goldie got in touch with me and asked me to come to the match.”

  “Really?”

  “Someone pointed out all the Twitter and Facebook posts about my adventures on a road trip. I usually ignore stuff like that because the media’s pretty crazy.”

  “I bet.”

  “Did you read about how I dated Chan
ning Tatum?”

  “I saw that,” JT said.

  “I thought he was married,” I added.

  “He is. I’ve never met the man. So you can see why I blew it off at first. But then people started posting pictures of me—you—with them. A bunch of bikers in a restaurant, driving a weird-looking RV, a rest area. All kinds of weird pictures.”

  “Mmm. Yeah, I’m pretty familiar with them.”

  “My manager called me to find out where I was because you do really look like me. I've heard people have a doppelganger, but I didn't really believe it. Until now."

  "Doppelganger," Goldie said, one finger in the air. "That's my word. That's the word I dislike. I mean, what the heck is that? Doppelganger?"

  I knew what Goldie was talking about. JT did, too. Mr. I Hate The Word Panties. But Silky looked at Goldie as if she were slightly crazy. She just ignored Goldie's comment and plowed on.

  "I have to admit, the trip looked like tons of fun. I mean, you got to be with this guy,” Silky added, putting her hand on JT’s shoulder.

  He smiled down at her and I saw red. No way was the real Silky Tangles getting her hands on JT. “Listen, Silky—”

  Goldie came over and wrapped her arm around my waist. “Silky here is going to take over for you, Daphne.”

  “Take over what?” I asked. JT.

  “Go change out of your uniform and Silky is going to meet with her fans, lead them away from you. She’ll fly back to LA and all the media will go with her.”

  “You’re off the hook,” JT added. He didn’t seem the least bit bothered by a porn star touching him.

  "You don't think people are still going to mistake me for you?"

  Silky shrugged. I've been told I have to dye my hair for the next film, so we'll look a bit different, but you'll still get bothered. You’ve been a great boost for my ratings, so I owe you a thank-you.”

  I smiled thinly at the thought of being a long-term doppelganger for a porn star. “Yeah, you’ve got quite the following.”

  “I do now, for sure. I’ll dedicate my next film to you.”

  “That’s not really necessary.” Seriously. No.

  It was time to go. I couldn’t watch JT with her a moment longer. “I should get changed. It was nice meeting you. Being you. Whatever.”

  I started to skate away.

  “I’ll see you in the fall when the movie comes out.” I turned around at her words. “I’m going to do a signing at Goldilocks, so I’ll be in Bozeman.”

  “Wow.” I looked to Goldie, who was thrilled. “I won’t be there. I’ll be in Brazil for work. JT will, though. He’s a big fan.”

  I glanced at JT, who looked stunned. His mouth pinched into a thin line and he looked like he wanted to say something more, but didn’t. Why, I wasn’t sure. Perhaps it was because he had the woman of his dreams on his arm. A porn star he could love and leave. Perhaps it was because he knew nothing would happen between us and it was his way to end it. Perhaps it was because…well, who the hell knew?

  ***

  Goldie had done a really good job of seamlessly trading Silky Tangles for me. I’d skated into the locker room and swapped the candy-striper outfit for my unexciting shorts and T-shirt. I slipped a baseball cap on my head. There weren’t any fans waiting outside the door. There weren’t bikers trying to get my attention. There wasn’t anyone there but JT. He leaned against the cinder-block wall, texting on his cell.

  “Hey,” I said, taking a deep breath, psyching myself up for this conversation.

  He put his phone in his back pocket and smiled. “Hey yourself. You were…wow. Um…crazy out there. No, that’s not the right word. Incredible, insane.”

  I grinned. “It was a lot of fun.”

  “Did you get hurt at all?” He looked me over for injury, although probably a little late.

  I landed on my butt a few times, but I wasn’t going to tell him that. “I’m fine.”

  “Hungry?”

  “I’m okay. Where’s Silky?” I asked, glancing around.

  JT angled his head toward the main area. “In there signing autographs.”

  “I bet her fans are loving her now. Not only is she a porn queen, but she can also kick some serious roller derby ass.”

  “She’s your number two fan,” he said.

  I frowned. “Oh? Who’s number one?”

  He pulled me into him so I had to tilt my chin up. “Me.”

  His mouth covered mine in a gentle, light kiss. “I think you scared ten years off my life when you were part of that group that went out of the ring.”

  “I didn’t even fall down,” I told him, remembering the moment well.

  “No kidding. How you pulled that off, I’ll never know. Shit, Daphne, I hope your roller derby days are over.”

  “Why?” I asked. “You’re going to see Sarah soon and I’m off to Brazil.”

  “Right.” He sighed. “What’s this about Brazil.”

  “A new story.”

  “When did you learn about it?” he asked, tugging on my ponytail.

  “After the police station.”

  “Which one?” he asked. I knew he was trying to be funny, but it didn’t come across that way. “Were you going to tell me about it?”

  I looked down at the front of his shirt. “What does it matter? I was never a keeper for you. I was just a fantasy. Besides, I was always going to leave.”

  He frowned. “That’s what you think, that I slept with you because I’m fulfilling a fantasy?”

  “Of course. I’m fine with being your fantasy. I was never going to be your reality.” I stepped back, pasted on a smile. “It’s been…crazy. I’ll see you around sometime.”

  Before I could cry—I never cried—I turned and walked away. When he called out to me, I just held up my hand then kept on going.

  CHAPTER THIRTEEN

  It had been a week since I flew back from Fargo. I’d had Aunt Velma’s house to myself for the first few days as the Three Musketeers drove the RV back to Bozeman, leaving the broken bike at Bob’s repair shop to be fixed when he returned from Sturgis. I spent the time sleeping and thinking, trying to figure out the mess of my life. It took me two days to realize my life wasn’t a mess at all. It was just empty. I was filling it with writing assignments around the world to make it seem exciting, but I had no one to share it with, no one to come home to. I had Aunt Velma, she was always there, but her home wasn’t my home anymore.

  For three crazy days, I went on an adventure of a lifetime. I’d not only experienced it with Aunt Velma, but Esther Millhouse and Goldie as well. But they’d only been secondary to the excursion. It had been JT who I’d travelled with. It had been JT to laugh at. Laugh with. It was a trip I would never forget.

  He was a man I’d never forget.

  “Are you sure you want to go?” Aunt Velma asked as I packed my bag. The sloping ceiling in my upstairs bedroom was too low for her to stand upright, so she sat on the bed.

  “Yes. I want to.”

  “Why, Daphne? Why are you going?”

  “It’s something I need to do.”

  “You mean it’s a way to steer clear of JT.” She gave me the one eyebrow up eagle eye.

  “You want me to watch JT settle down with Sarah?”

  “As far as I know, he hasn’t even met this woman. You’re writing off what’s between the two of you.”

  “How do you know Sarah isn’t here in town right now?”

  “Goldie told me.”

  Then it had to be true. She knew everything.

  “He thought I was Silky Tangles! I was just a fantasy for him.”

  Aunt Velma pursed her lips. “He’s not an idiot. He knows you’re not Silky Tangles.”

  “Of course he does. Now. He met the real deal in Fargo.”

  She picked up my pillow and fluffed it, tossed it back in place. “Look, he’s got issues of his own, of course, but not everyone’s going to leave you.”

  I dropped the socks I’d been holding. “What?”


  “Sit down.” She waited until I did so, the open suitcase between us. “Your parents, I wanted to kill them for leaving you. But instead I thanked them daily for leaving you. I got you because they were so selfish. I know you think I’m crazy, but I never left you. Never.”

  My throat hurt with tears. “I know, but you’re larger than life, Aunt Velma. I can’t compete.”

  “Oh, honey, you never have to compete with me. Everyone loves you for being you. Even JT.”

  My head whipped up at his name. “He doesn’t love me. He doesn’t really even know me.”

  “That’s not his fault, it’s yours. If you like him, then stay. Let him get to know you. Don’t run away because he just might stick.”

  I wiped at my eye. “I’ve been back a week and he hasn’t been by. It’s over.”

  Aunt Velma sighed, then stood up, at least as far as she could. “What time’s your flight?”

  “Two.”

  “I’ll say goodbye now then since I have to meet Esther. Her car’s broken and she needs to take Tigger to the vet to get neutered. Then we’re meeting Goldie for lunch. She’s taking George the Gnome back to Zach this morning.”

  The thought of the gnome had me smiling. I would never forget how it flew into the windshield. I would never forget the kiss that followed.

  ***

  I was late. Again. I’d forgotten to get gas so the Rabbit’s fuel light came on and I had to stop. By the time I was flooring it down the Frontage Road toward the airport, I only had an hour before my flight. So this time, when I was pulled over for speeding, I wasn’t surprised, although that didn’t keep me from swearing.

  Scrambling for my purse, I pulled out my license and reached into the glove box for the registration, not noticing the police officer standing beside the car.

  “I see you know the process,” the man said. I whipped my head around when I recognized his voice.

  JT.

  “You look familiar,” he said. He wore his reflective aviator sunglasses once again so I couldn’t see his eyes. His body was the same, big, virile, rugged. The MSU T-shirt fit across him snugly and the gun on his hip looked just as hot as last time.

  “Yeah, I get that a lot.” I tried to calm my racing heartbeat at just the sight of him. I could even smell him through the open window and it brought back a flood of memories. My mouth watered, wishing I could just taste him again.