I took a large side step around him. I needed to leave without touching him again, because suddenly I needed out of the large open space. The decking area was beginning to feel tight and constraining. With my sudden sideward movement, my ankle turned over as only mine could, causing me to stumble very slightly. His arm immediately came out and captured me. He pulled me close to his side, effectively stopping me from falling over. His cologne enveloped me and I instinctively raised my hand to hold on to his bicep. For a split-second I allowed my body to lean on him once again, to absorb the strength I needed, and my fingers sank into his bare, muscular arm. The warmth of his body and the familiarity of our skin touching, ignited the need in me that I had earlier refused to acknowledge. The pull was too strong and I turned my head to look at him. His hand came up and he brushed a small piece of my hair away from my face and looked in my eyes. Knowing it would be all so easy to stay there in his arms, I pulled myself away quickly and tried to recover from his touch. I walked a couple of steps and then froze when he spoke again.
‘Right here, right this fucking minute, you might be walking away from us, Amy. But, this isn’t over. I refuse to let you go.’
I turned to look at him one last time. He had turned away to look back at the dark of the garden, it appeared he was unable to watch me leave. Stood all by himself with his back to me, I could see his hands were once again pushed down deep into his pockets. His broad shoulders had sagged in defeat. From the back, he looked like a young boy who had lost his whole world. I felt my heart trying to break out of my chest as it begged me to forgive him and take him into my arms, but my head refused. I needed him to understand that this wasn’t right, this whole sorry situation couldn’t just be forgiven and forgotten.
‘I trusted you. I let you in and I did it all too fast. I mean, who falls in love in a week? That was my stupidity, that was all on me.’ A huge audible sob wracked through me again. ‘You even bloody promised me. When you knew that I hated promises,’ I called over to him.
I forced one foot in front of the other, as I made myself walk back inside.
‘Amy, this isn’t over, there’s so much more we need to say. I’ll give you some time, but all the while it remains unsaid, you and I will always be unfinished business. I won’t let you walk away from us forever.’ I heard the desperation and pain in his voice and it hurt me way down deep inside.
I let out a soft sigh of acknowledgement at his words. ‘The trouble is, there is no us.’
I pushed open the door and heard the familiar tinkling of the bell above it. I let out a long exhale, expecting to feel the peace and contentment I was craving. Twisting myself around, I lifted a hand to wordlessly thank one of the Carpenters’ security who had helped me and offered me a lift as Default Distraction had once again taken to the stage.
I had heard Brody’s voice as he had started to sing and as he’d lost himself into the words of the song. I stayed long enough to hear him singing about regret, about not taking chances and not saying the words that needed to be said and when I heard the words about not taking a chance on a relationship because it was too risky, I knew he was singing to me.
I had escaped to the only place I wanted to be. I watched the car pull slowly away and the lane around me fell into almost complete darkness. I locked the door behind me and slid the large bolt across.
When everything had crashed around my ears less than an hour ago, I needed to be at the one place I would always call home. I felt to the side of me and switched on the fairy lights, which gave me enough light to walk to the back of the shop without breaking my neck, then I turned on the light that led upstairs to the flat. The light flooded into the back of the shop through the gap between the open door and the frame. I looked around hoping to find the sense of calm I desperately needed, but it was nowhere to be found. The place was cold and smelt of damp in the week I’d been gone and that worried me. It strangely seemed to mirror my life. It was ridiculous how quickly our home had started to fall apart in our absence and the same could be said of me.
I was wearing my coat but a shiver overtook me. It seemed everything in here was destined to remind me of him. I made my way back to the door to turn off the fairy lights, but remembering it was Christmas day tomorrow, I pulled back my hand. Then I saw the gloves left in the window and my mind went back to one of our first meetings. I ran one finger over the yellow pair with the daisies on, and without thinking I placed them on my cold hands.
I turned and walked upstairs to our flat.
With the open fire lit in our small living area, the room now had a warm orange glow to it. I glanced around the familiar space and smiled as my eyes ran quickly over everything. The room was furnished in odd, mismatched furniture. In fact, not one piece matched anything else in the room and that was just the way my nan liked it. She had often told me everything had memories, either from her life with my grandad or of a well-loved relative who was no longer with us.
I had closed the burnished gold, velvet curtains on the bay window and wrapped a fleece blanket around myself. I’d placed a hot water bottle in the small of my back and held a hot cup of cocoa in my gloved hands as I stared into the flames, looking for answers.
Only a week ago, I went out looking for excitement and looking to live, now I was craving the familiar and comforting things in life. I’d had a hot bath, changed into an old pair of pyjamas and was now curled up in the one armchair in the room, with my legs tucked underneath me. In the background, I had turned on my nan’s old record player. The beautiful sound of Eddy Arnold and his melodic voice singing Make The World Go Away was playing on repeat. The record was my nan’s favourite and I had it playing over and over as I imagined her and my grandad dancing around the large table that dominated our living room. It wasn’t something I’d ever witnessed, but my uncle had described it to me and my cousins so many times, I could see it in my mind’s eye. I sipped at my cocoa and saw them laughing and holding each other tight, happy in their own small world.
Eddy finished singing and the needle ran quickly to the centre, creating the familiar crackling sound, before the arm came back over, the needle reconnected and he started singing all over again.
I had never felt so alone in my life.
Tears fell down my face and I did nothing to try to stop them. I was grieving, I missed my nan, I missed my steady unchanging life, I missed Lauren and Winter, but most of all I missed him.
I missed bloody Brody Daniels.
My life was changing and I was shit scared, but I was determined to meet it head on. I realised how much I needed this time to myself as so much had happened over the last week.
Seriously, was it only a week? I shook my head at the realisation and allowed myself to carry on sobbing. I sobbed in anger at my dad wanting nothing to do with my pregnant mum. I sobbed at my mum selfishly leaving me. I sobbed at my nan’s illness and the fact I was now losing her too. Finally, I broke my heart at having had a week to see the wonderful possibility of a future. A future with a man I believed I could have had a lifetime with and then just as quickly having had that fleeting dream ripped from my hands.
It took me just under an hour to compose myself, but that time was clearly the best time I’d ever spent on myself. As the sobs that had ripped through my body began to pass, I began to understand that I felt stronger for the time to think and the time to cry. I blew my nose loudly and wiped my face dry with my hands. Then with a sudden need to get my head sorted out, I released the fleece blanket from around myself and stretched towards my nan’s old walnut bureau. I lowered the desk part and snuck my hand into the small gap I’d made, grabbing at the pen and notepad I knew I would find there.
Starting at the beginning and with tears still rolling down my face, I began to list everything I needed to sort out and achieve.
I intended to live the life I wanted, the one I was convinced I was supposed to have, and as far as I could see, I was the one stopping myself achieving just that. I was determined that things wer
e going to change and they were going to change tonight. My pen flew over the paper quickly, in my round, recognisable handwriting. The list included sorting out the shop and flat and putting it on the market as soon as possible to give my nan what she needed. My CV needing updating and that was high up on the list, as was applying for one of the positions at The Manor. The more I thought about it, the more I thought the job was made for me and it would keep me here, where I needed to be. Even if the place would always remind me of him. My pen had hovered for a while, the nib seemed desperate to write the words, but I held back. Somewhere, although still unwritten on the white paper in front of me, was sorting out how I felt about Brody. I wasn’t sure how I was going to achieve it, or at this moment exactly what priority it should take. So, I refused to write it down. But before I could start to move down my numbered list, I had to start with number one and I was going to do it today.
Placing the pad and pen down on the dining table, I prepared myself to do something I never ever thought I would do. I walked out into the chill of the landing to where the only phone in the flat was located and I allowed my fingers to flick through my nan’s name and address book. I found the S and opened the page with force, sending the blue faux leather cover onto the table with a bang. I stared down at the number I’d already looked at a few times before when I was younger, on my birthdays and at Christmas. Taking a deep calming breath, I let my eyes connect with the numbers. With my other hand shaking, I picked up the receiver and then pressed the corresponding buttons on the phone.
The phone at the other end rang several times. I watched as my fingertips, exposed in the gloves I was wearing, started to turn white under the pressure of clasping hold of the receiver too firmly as I waited.
‘Hello.’ A female voice hit my ears. It was a voice I allowed myself to remember sometimes in my dreams.
‘Hello, Mum.’
‘Amy?’
‘Yes, it’s me… I phoned to wish you a Merry Christmas.’
For a few seconds the line was void of words, although I knew she was still there. Finally, she spoke again.
‘Merry Christmas to you, too.’
I took a deep shaking breath to prepare myself for what I needed to say next, what I simply knew I had to say. ‘I wanted you to know that I’m at last strong enough to forgive you for leaving me.’
‘Thank you, Amy.’ Her voice wavered with emotion.
‘Although, I’ll never be able to forget.’ My voice grew louder with the words I was speaking, as my courage overtook my fears.
‘I know, Amy. I’m so very sorry for letting you down.’ Her reply came back quickly as if she had gone over this moment many times in her head.
I placed the receiver back down, without asking any questions, without even saying goodbye and walked back into the comfort of our warm living room. I closed the door behind me and leant my back against it. I wasn’t sure what would happen to our relationship now I had broken the ice after many, many years. But if I was honest with myself, I wanted nothing from it or her. All I needed was the release from the tight constraints that it had always held me captive with, and I selfishly hoped I could now move forward with my life.
I walked over to the paper on the table and struck through number one on my list, feeling an immense sense of achievement. I’d done what my nan had asked. I had finally let go.
The church bells struck, indicating the end of midnight mass. I knew that friends and neighbours would now be making their way home down the lane, chatting as they went about their Christmas plans with family and friends, just as my nan would’ve been doing right now if she were here. I walked over to the window to watch them, just needing to feel close to someone.
I pulled the heavy curtains open and looked down to find no one there at all, I was obviously too late. Stupidly, I began to fill up with tears at the situation, at my self-inflicted misery. I was just about to drop the curtains back into place when a movement in a large, dark car across the lane caught my eye.
I just knew.
In the space of a millisecond, I just knew.
I could feel him there, I could feel him offering me his strength, his remorse at our mutual pain and when I closed my eyes fleetingly, his strong arms wrapped around me offering me comfort.
I no longer felt alone, because I knew that I wasn’t.
My heart skipped a beat as I brushed my gloved hand over the glass, clearing a circular space through the condensation on the window. As the wool squeaked across the glass, I could now clearly see Brody sitting in his car staring up at me. Even in the dark of the night, with only the dim light in the lane, his teal coloured eyes found mine. That simple connection filled me up inside, making me feel whole and complete.
Our eyes met and for what seemed like forever we just stared at each other. I wasn’t going to invite him in, not because I was still angry with him, but because he was right, I needed time. He appeared to understand, as he made no move to open his car door. But knowing he was there, checking on me, offered me the comfort I needed.
I huffed on the clear glass and wrote in large backward facing letters, “FRIENDS?”
I watched him squint and then slow blink as he read the word and then he wrote back on his window. “FOR NOW.”
Tentatively I lifted my hand at him to say goodnight. Pressing two fingers to his lips he blew me a kiss. I dropped the curtain back into place realising how right he was, we were unfinished business.
As I got myself ready to collapse into bed that thought made my heart lighter and the dull ache of loneliness began to dissipate slightly.
Without thinking it through, I decided to spend the night as close to her as possible, across the lane from her nan’s shop.
I’d left the wedding reception after learning from John Edwards that one of his security had dropped her off at home. There was no thought process, no decision to be made. I had driven straight there. I knew she needed time and although it hurt like fuck to be so close but so far away, I had to give her some space. She was right, the last few days had been a fucking whirlwind. I’d never fucking thought I’d fall in love, like ever, and there was no goddamn way I would’ve ever believed it would happen to me in the space of a fucking week.
In seven days, the woman locked in above that shop, had totally consumed me.
I had never felt this way.
I was one seriously lucky bastard. I knew that if it meant I could have her in my life I could really start to live. Not the false fabricated life of a celebrity, but the real life of a man who loved a woman with everything he was, with his whole heart and soul. To be loved in return for just being me, was something I’d been unconsciously looking for since my dad had died. I concluded that if she could love Daniel, she could love me and that was the one thought keeping me going.
Staring up at the flat as I sat there gave me some comfort. Through some wider gaps at the top of the curtains, I could see what I presumed were flames from a fire, dancing on the ceiling. I didn’t know how long I could cope sitting out here in the fucking freezing cold, but I was determined I’d stay for as long as I could.
It was my punishment for fucking up.
The nearby church bells had started to ring out, I looked at my watch and saw it was just before one a.m., and now Christmas day. I exhaled a long sigh at the realisation that for the third Christmas in a row, I’d be sober and without even knowing it, she’d helped me achieve it. A sense of pride took over me. Within a few minutes, people began to walk past my car as they left the church and went back to their homes with their loved ones. Up and down the lane, front doors closed around me.
Not for the first time since I’d been back in the UK, I thought how very fucking lonely I was. Money could buy everything if you had enough of it and yeah it was awesome to be able to own the house or car you wanted. I knew I was a fucking lucky bastard travelling the world in a private jet. I also knew how goddamn lucky I was having the money to pay my bills. But, it couldn’t buy you love, happiness and
peace of mind.
Amy held all of that for me.
I pulled my beanie down as far as it would go and pulled the collar from my jacket up as high as it would stand. I fished around to the side of me and pulled out the gloves she had given me the first day we met and pushed my hands inside of them. A smile crept over my face as I held them in front of me and looked at them. It had only been a week, but that solitary week held some of the best memories of my whole life.
Just as I’d begun to recline the seat, a movement coming from the curtains caught my eye, and there she was. It was a relief to see her, although she looked young and vulnerable framed by the Victorian window. Her body froze and I knew she could feel my presence. I only hoped that knowing I was here gave her the comfort it had given me as I’d sat here. I watched her hand, in a yellow glove, as it went around in a circle cleaning the pane of glass and then our eyes met. I knew then that every time our eyes found each other would always be like the first time. For a few minutes, we just looked at each other as we tried to convey exactly how we felt. In my head, I claimed her yet again as mine. But, I made no move to demand she let me in, I didn’t deserve it.
The ball, as they fucking put it, was now well and truly in her court.
I watched as her lips parted and her mouth opened to steam up the clear space on the glass. In the steam, she wrote out the word “FRIENDS?” I blinked at the word and then swallowed at the sudden constriction in my throat.
How the fuck am I supposed to be her friend?
Brody (Default Distraction Book 1) Page 22
