As You Are

by Claire Cain

  I couldn’t tell what kind of building this was, but it looked like a huge gym. There were four mats laid out around the large space and a slightly raised boxing ring in the middle.

  “The rounds will start around the room. The final fights will take place in the ring. They’ll work through by weight class, so it ends up taking quite a while, even at this level,” Luke explained.

  “Kelly’s a lightweight. He’s on the low end so he’s going to be struggling,” Kilbourne’s wife, Jenny, said.

  “Yeah, you never want to be at the bottom of a weight class. You want to be at the top but not tip over. One time when Harrison was cross-fitting like a beast he tipped up to heavyweight,” Luke said.

  “Did I hear ‘Harrison’?” a guy said and slid down the bleachers a bit. He was by himself and had a green hat pulled low over his eyes, his hair curling under the edges in all directions, clearly indicating his non-military status.

  “Yeah, you know him?” Luke asked.

  “If you mean Will Harrison, then yes, he’s my brother,” the guy said, extending his hand.

  “You must be Henry. He’s mentioned you.” Luke took his hand and shook it. “I thought you were still in college?”

  “Yeah, spring break. About to graduate so I didn’t want to blow a bunch of money on a big trip. So here I am supporting the big bro in the wilds of Kentucky,” he explained to Luke, then looked past Luke to me and Alex. “And you ladies are?” This kid was a lady killer, anyone could tell. He had a bright smile, a dimple in one cheek, and dark brown eyes. He was absolutely adorable. I could see just a touch of resemblance between him and his older brother, but his smile and the radiance that came from his face made him look like a totally different species next to the image of his stern brother.

  Alex introduced herself and then it was my turn. “I’m Elizabeth. Ellie.”

  “Pleased to meet you Ellie. Mind if I move over to sit by you?” This kid. He was all charm. He was busting his move, and I couldn’t help but laugh at his very direct approach.

  “Sure, come on over. You can tell me what I should be looking for,” I said with a friendly smile.

  “I’ll do my best. It’s been a while since I’ve gotten to watch Will fight,” he said. It sunk in that he was calling him Will, not Jake, which I wanted to ask about but didn’t even know the kid. Or his big brother. I also realized he wasn’t a kid—he was probably twenty-one or two, but I felt old next to him. He still had that ruddy hopefulness that came from life before graduating and realizing college was a safe, easy place if you let it be. At least, it had been for me.

  “So, what happened when Harrison fought in the heavyweight?” Alex asked, and I felt grateful she did so I didn’t have to.

  “Oh, he destroyed everyone. No contest. But still. You don’t want to class up if you can help it. He had more bruises than usual after that one. You want to be the biggest guy in your class, not the smallest.”

  Just then we heard the first bell, and I turned my attention to the space in front of us. We were on a big set of bleachers that sat in front of two mats that made up two different rings. The big, raised boxing ring was in front, and then two other mats were on the far side of the room. I could see pairs of soldiers dressed only in their camouflage pants and green t-shirts stepping up to each other in each of the four mats. Each ring had its own judge’s table with score cards, timers, and a few people scattered around the edges of the designated spaces talking to the people about to fight—their coaches, based on the way they were focused in on the fighters with intensity, their lips mumbling orders we spectators couldn’t hear.

  “There’s Will,” Henry said, pointing to the ring to the right, just in front of us. I hoped my slow inhale wasn’t obvious. Another rush of nervousness and some unidentifiable feeling filled me. Dread? Excitement? I couldn’t tell.

  Harrison put his mouth guard in and met his opponent in the middle of the ring. A bell dinged, and off they went. They grappled for a few seconds, Jake dropped to the mat and used momentum to pull his opponent down, wrapped his legs around the soldier’s waist, arms locked around his neck, and then they broke apart.

  And then it was over. “Wait, what just happened?”

  “Danes tapped out. So, Harrison won that one,” Luke explained. I’d heard someone yell “sweep the leg, Danes!” before they went to the mat, so Danes must have been the opponent.

  “But that was so fast!” I said, unable to keep the disbelief from my voice.

  “Yeah, that’s Harrison for you. Until he gets to the later rounds, they’ll all be like this. He’s insanely good.” I heard Luke say this as I watched Harrison pat Danes on the back, his head nodding a bit as he said something to the man. They met again in the middle. The same lightning-fast series of events played out, faster than I could track to see what exactly Harrison was doing to make Danes tap out, and then the bout was done.

  Harrison looked around the bleachers as he walked to his bag left on the sideline and his eye caught on Henry, who waved at him. His eyes shifted to mine, and I felt a jolt fly through me when our eyes met. I raised my eyebrows at him, resisted the urge to wave and smile, and then looked away to find Alex before I started blushing or doing something stupid. My heart was racing, and I couldn’t figure out what to look at because Alex, like a traitor, wasn’t there to catch my attention.

  What just happened?

  “So how do you know HRH?” Henry said, turning to me, and I prayed he couldn’t tell I was flustered.

  “HRH?” I said, trying to make sense of his words.

  “William. I used to call him Prince William or HRH—His Royal Highness—when we were growing up, just to piss him off.” Henry smiled a dazzling smile at me and I laughed. Then I realized the joke.

  “Oh, and you’re Henry! Is your mom a big fan of the royals?”

  “You know, I don’t think she was all that much. Funny enough, her name was Diana. We are William and Henry, sons of Diana.” He smirked, but I could see he kind of liked this little fact. I noticed how he spoke of her past tense and tucked that away to think about later.

  “Don’t tell me your father was Charles.”

  “No, he was also William Jacob Harrison—the first, of course, which I suspect is why Will now introduces himself as Jake.” He looked at me with a small frown on his face.

  “I was wondering why you called him Will. He did introduce himself to me as Jake. I guess that makes sense,” I said.

  We sat watching the matches play out in front of us for a few moments before Henry spoke again.

  “How did you know?” he asked quietly as another round began in front of us. I looked out at the fights happening in the four corners and my eyes scanned for Harrison. He was standing at the far end watching a fight from the sideline, occasionally yelling something I couldn’t hear to one of the fighters.

  “Know what?” I asked.

  “That our father’s dead?” he asked, his voice still low, silently telling me this wasn’t common knowledge.

  “Oh. Well. He told me once. Your brother did,” I said in a halting, near-whisper. I hadn’t ever confirmed that Harrison was the man from the plane, but I knew he was. Now I was sure of it. But it felt weird to acknowledge that to his brother when I hadn’t even told Jake I knew it was him. Maybe it didn’t matter, but I felt like it did. It was a strange experience, and I wanted to revisit it only with Jake.

  “I’m surprised. He doesn’t tell people much about family,” Henry said, and I saw his eyes flit around my face, inspecting me. With his face serious and his brows knit together while he assessed me, I saw the similarity. The same strong chin and nose, darker eyes but the same shape. Angular cheek bones. His face was younger, of course, and less weathered, but the relation was clear.

  Before I could say anything, another round started. The day went on like that, round after round. Just before two, the last preliminary round ended. Jake had won every round he fought, and it seemed easy for him. He certainly made it look easy. The
re was an hour break before the final fights began and about two hours until Jake would fight again. James had been eliminated in his third bout, and since they’d hired a sitter for the day, Megan said they were heading home early to relieve her. We decided to go get some lunch, and I invited Henry to drive with us to the PX food court to see what was available.

  “Can you wait a minute? I told Will I’d wait for him to find me before I grab lunch so I can see if he wants something.”

  Just then, up walked Jake Harrison.

  And see, here was the thing. Like Alex said, I wasn’t all that tuned in to the physical—certainly not at first. This was also true of my interactions and relationships with men. Sure, I occasionally noticed certain things about them—striking or strange or interesting physical attributes. But usually, that wasn’t what caught my attention. I wasn’t drawn to bulging biceps or exceptional glutes, even though I could admire them. The two boyfriends I’d had were on the skinny, nerd-physique side of the spectrum, which was fine. Much like a zombie, for me it was always the brains.

  But sitting on uncomfortable metal bleachers all day watching Jake Harrison physically dominate every opponent he encountered had a confusing effect on me. What I saw wasn’t violence or barbarism but control, skill, and confidence. It was methodical, calculated, focused.

  And damn, it was appealing.

  So as that same Jake Harrison, endlessly serious and unsmiling and evidently deadly in a fight, approached his brother and greeted him with a genuine smile and open arms, a small part of my brain malfunctioned. Some new synapse attempting to form just stopped, short-circuited, unable to make sense of the utter beauty in front of me. It was like someone painted a Byzantine celestial halo around his head—he was glowing, and I couldn’t look away.

  If a serious Jake Harrison was appealing, a smiling, warm, loving-big-brother Jake Harrison was lethal to any attempt I might have had at avoiding thinking this man was attractive.

  He came to a halt and hauled his brother to him, giving him a big hug, and I heard his low voice say, “Glad you made it, Harry.” He released Henry and then stepped back and knocked the brim of the bright green hat on Henry’s head up so the hat flipped backwards off his head.

  “Glad I could make it, too, Wills,” Henry said with one of his own thousand-watt smiles. He seemed to be genuinely delighted by seeing his big brother and was absolutely buzzing with energy now that Jake was there. It was adorable and completely endearing.

  “You met Dr. Kent,” Jake said, since I was standing right next to Henry. Henry looked at me, and back at Jake, then back to me again.

  “Wait, you are Dr. Kent?” he asked with all the disbelief one voice could hold.

  “Yes. Elizabeth Kent. That’s me,” I said awkwardly, waving my hands like jazz hands before I found the will to drop them down again. I caught Alex giving me a why are you being so weird look before I looked back at Henry.

  I couldn’t figure out what had happened, but there was a definite beat where no one said anything, and the two Harrison brothers looked at each other meaningfully. What that meant, I had no idea.

  “Uh, is that bad? Did your brother tell you I’ve been torturing him with interviews and endless paperwork?” I asked, chuckling nervously now, twisting my fingers together in front of me to avoid any other Fosse-inspired gestures.

  Henry crossed his arms and looked at me again. “No, no, nothing like that. I recognized your name, that’s all. He told me about the project,” he said, still switching his attention back and forth between me and his brother.

  “Oh, well… good,” I said and swallowed loud enough I could hear the gulp.

  Henry looked back at Jake for another moment, then tossed an arm around my shoulder and gave me one of those sunrise smiles—dimples, oozing charm, and all. “Don’t you worry there Ellie,” and he punctuated the “Ellie” with a flick of his eyes to his brother, then back to me, “he’ll be fine.”

  Jake shifted his weight from side to side and inched his duffel bag up higher over his shoulder. He was looking at me, and I couldn’t for the life of me read his expression. On the surface, it was neutral—almost bored, for that matter. But his eyes kept flickering between mine, then down to my shoulder where Henry’s hand rested, then back to my face.

  “I’m sure he will,” I said, still trying to decipher what was going on.

  “I’m going to grab a shower and then if you can get me something to eat, Harry, I’ll eat it when you’re back. That work?” His attention was fully on Henry now, and I felt the muddling sensation of relief and disappointment.

  “Yes, your highness. I know you need to keep your strength up. Ellie and I’ll find you something good,” he said and raised his eyebrows.

  Jake nodded once, turned on his heel, and walked in the opposite direction. I looked from side to side, waiting for… something. I didn’t know.

  “He’s not totally socially inept, but he doesn’t get out much. If he’s not at work, he’s home. Don’t feel bad he didn’t even have the human decency to say goodbye to you.” Henry chuckled and then steered us to the door, dropping his hand from my shoulder.

  “Why is he alone if he’s not at work?” Why I asked this, I couldn’t say.

  Well, that was a lie. I could say. I wanted Henry to fill in the gaps. Did this man not date? Was he really refusing the female population of the world his magnificence?

  Ok, whoa, again, we were getting too carried away here. But honestly, being subjected to his physical power was like watching the very survival of man. If I were looking for an attractive mate on the most basic level, I’d want myself a Jake Harrison. He was supremely intelligent, radiantly attractive, and physically powerful. If we were in the woods of prehistory, I’d be choosing that guy to mate with because I’d know he’d protect me, find me food, and make me some real cute babies.

  (So… the day had taken its toll.)

  “I live in Florida, and my grandma does too. Our parents are gone. My dad was an only child and my mom’s family was never part of the picture. So, it’s just us.” Henry’s words shook me from my Paleolithic musings.

  I was about to say something, something more than, “Ellie like Jake, want make babies,” when Henry added, “And he doesn’t date. Ever.” He looked me right in the eye when he said it. Was he warning me off? Had I said anything about wanting to procreate with his brother out loud?

  “Oh… that’s…” What could I say? Unfortunate? Sad for women everywhere? A waste?

  “Yeah, he’s an idiot,” Henry said, and that was the last of it. We arrived at the food court and it was time to get serious about sustenance. Maybe food could shake me out of my haze of cavewoman’s desire.

  Chapter Five

  Hours later, we arrived back to Clarksville around midnight, and I was exhausted. The fights had been completely amazing. The day was long, but those final fights were worth it. The rounds were far more intense, and Jake was crazy good. Totally exciting, amazingly good. He put on a little more flair for that last round, took a little more time to take out his opponent. I wasn’t sure if it was for show, or because it actually took him longer, but somehow, I doubted that.

  In the second round of the final match he got punched in the cheek really hard. I thought for sure he’d go all the way down, but he didn’t, nor did anyone stop the fight or call a fowl or whatever happened in that situation. He would have a black eye, I was sure. I expected to see a burst of rage from him, but instead he shook his head, rolled his shoulders back, and in a matter of seconds, wrapped up the round by pinning the guy bodily before his opponent knew what hit him.

  We didn’t end up talking to Jake again. He’d arranged to meet Henry on the opposite side of the building from where we were parked, and we were all exhausted and ready to get on the road, so we left. I felt bad about not seeing him and telling him congratulations, but a part of me was glad.

  I had spent a total of nine hours that day watching him fight, coach, or stand around and wait. What this me
ant was I had absolutely nothing else to distract me from appreciating what was in front of me. Sure, there were hundreds of other soldiers and people, my best friend sitting next to me, a good friend next to her, a new acquaintance to my other side, fights going on in four corners of the room, and all manner of generalized hubbub. But wherever he was, my eyes were on Jake Harrison. I couldn’t help it.

  Something in his posture demanded I look at him. Somehow, he’d used that gruff voice to bend my unconscious to his will and require my eyes to constantly seek him out. I tried not to see how powerful his body was, but that was absolutely unavoidable in this context. I tried not to notice the flat stomach, the way his t-shirt fit him perfectly and outlined muscles, front and back, that I’d like to get to know.

  (In other news, who was I? Since when did I think about someone’s back muscles?)

  I tried not to notice how his cheeks reddened with exertion and how his chest expanded after he’d release a particular hold when an opponent tapped out. I tried not to notice the absolute focus on his face, the coiled energy as he waited for a round to start, the quick footwork he’d only had to use once in the final round.

  I failed in those valiant efforts.

  And the whole smiling, hugging brother thing. Come on. Couldn’t he stay the stern, inflexible grump I thought he was thus far?

  Thankfully, I was tired enough that instead of lying awake thinking about the aforementioned muscles (ugggghhh, just saying that made me cringe, but it was true) or the smile or the brother stuff, I passed out. I woke up ten hours later feeling miraculously rested and just in time to make it to Nashville to meet Alex for yoga.

  I parked my car and stared out the window for a moment, summoning the will to exit the car and walk to my apartment. It was a gorgeous day and yoga had felt energizing and relaxing and good, but the hour-long drive back home drained me. I felt sluggish and still overheated. It was mid-March, but a warm, bluebird day, and the sun made the sixty-five degrees feel remarkably warm.