As You Are

by Claire Cain

  “You and Jake,” he said and shifted his eyes side to side like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

  “We’ve become friends, yes,” I said, feeling my cheeks heat.

  “Obviously you’re friends, which is impressive in itself considering Stone Face Harrison doesn’t exactly invite people in.” I chuckled at his new nickname for his brother, and he took a big bite of a chip.

  “He isn’t the easiest person to get to know, that’s true,” I agreed.

  “But once you do, it’s hard to get rid of him. Though I have to say, I don’t think you guys are friends, now that I think about it.” He shook his head slightly at me.

  “Oh, really?” I felt disappointed. Henry always had insight into his brother, and I would have thought he wanted us to be friends—that Jake had even mentioned we were friends.

  “Nope,” he said, the p popping loudly between us as he gave me a devious grin. “He doesn’t look at his friends like that.” Henry nodded toward where Jake was standing. I looked up and caught him looking at me, and it made my stomach drop through the floor. Not just to the floor, but through it. Down through the concrete, into the dirt, through the mantle and liquid core and oozing into the iron center of the Earth. He quickly turned back to the grill where he stood.

  I cleared my throat. “Like what?” I said, my voice stretched and discomfited.

  “Ellie, seriously?” he asked, turning to me. He seemed frustrated and I was surprised by his response. “He’s into you. He always has been, but now he’s letting himself be. You have to see that.” He dipped another chip into the pile of salsa on his plate and took a loud crunch.

  I let his words settle in my brain before I could respond. He’d always been into me? That seemed unlikely. But the idea he was letting himself be didn’t ring all that untrue. I’d been thinking about how things felt different, how he seemed more expressive and friendly, and after the last week or so, more physical.

  “I don’t know how he feels,” I said, because that was true.

  “Well what do you want?” Henry asked, giving me a hard look like a concerned father asking his daughter about her high school prom date.

  “I’m not sure that matters,” I said, remembering his statement on the plane, reminding myself whatever was happening, it wasn’t going to end well for someone who did want to be married and have kids.

  Before Henry could answer, Jake returned and handed me another drink. Henry popped up out of his seat before Jake could move away. “We were wrapping up, Wills. Have your seat back.” And then he was gone, off to chat with other friends.

  “Did he say something to upset you?” Jake asked once he sat and leaned over into my space to look at me.

  “Upset me? No. Why would you say that?” I sat back in the chair, giving myself a little distance from him.

  “You seemed… serious when I looked over here. Henry’s not typically one to cause that kind of reaction.”

  “Oh, yeah. No… he didn’t upset me,” I said, hoping he would let it drop.

  “What did he say?” He leaned with his elbows on his knees, his body hunched over, looking at me. I felt like my bare kneecap was sizzling where it brushed against his through his jeans. I looked at his furrowed brow and how his mouth turned down, and I could tell he was genuinely concerned.

  “It’s nothing to worry about, Jake. Henry’s adorable,” I said, and as I did, I put my hand on his forearm (side note: he had really attractive forearms), and then stood up to get some space and more effectively avoid his questioning.

  He hopped up too and grabbed my hand, pulling me into his house and sliding the screen door shut. He pulled me through the living room, but instead of going to the kitchen, he stepped to the left, around the corner, and out of sight if someone walked into the living room.

  “Elizabeth, what did he say?”

  I pulled my hand from his, feeling frustrated by his demanding tone and even him pulling me into the house and also a little witless from the feeling of his rough palm against mine.

  “Listen, nothing. Seriously. You know Henry is harmless and you don’t need to worry, ok?” I heard the edge in my voice and felt grateful I had the wherewithal to sound anything but breathy and overwhelmed by being alone in a darkened hallway with him. His dark blue button-down shirt was rolled up at the sleeves to just below the elbow. The shirt fit him the way it should, fitted, but not pulling across the chest, around the biceps, over the shoulders.

  He looked good, and there was no way to avoid it.

  “Tell me,” he demanded, his voice still low. He crossed his arms and stood a little closer. I’d seen this look on him—it was one of determination I’d seen at least once when we’d argued. It was adorable that he thought this stance was going to intimidate me because if I was anything, I was stubborn. If anything, his insistence only made me want to not tell him even more.

  “Ask Henry.”

  “No.”

  “Yes.”

  “No,” he said, a little louder, a little more insistent.

  “Seriously Jake. Let it go,” I said and crossed my own arms. I was not about to tell this man his brother thought he had a thing for me.

  Nope.

  Not happening.

  Not now. Not ever.

  Jake took in my crossed arms and my pursed lips. He stretched out an arm and leaned against the wall behind me with his hand to the left of my head. He ducked his face until it was right in front of mine. If I hadn’t been growing more frustrated by the second, I might have kissed him.

  “Tell me,” he said, his voice a low, demanding growl.

  “I think you’re confused,” I said, not moving, not looking away from his fiery eyes.

  “About?” he asked, his head still dipped, his eyes still pouring into mine.

  “I’m not one of your soldiers. I don’t follow your orders,” I said and brought my hands up in front of me like I might push him away but just held them there between us, not touching him.

  His eyes flared, then looked back and forth between mine.

  “I know that,” he said, his eyes searching mine. Then the hand he wasn’t leaning on reached out and curled around my neck, his thumb resting by my ear. His hand felt like a brand on my neck, his fingers flames in my hair. He kept his eyes on mine as he moved closer, an inch or two at this point, and he kissed me.

  Chapter Eleven

  I kept my eyes on his for a second before they had to close, savoring the sensation of his soft lips pressing against mine. My hands rested against his chest, and he pulled me closer, deepening the kiss as the hand he’d been leaning against the wall now curved against the small of my back.

  He pulled back too quickly, like he was shocked he’d kissed me in the first place once he realized he’d done it, but he didn’t let go. His eyes were hazy as he looked at me, looked down at my lips and back up. He shook his head a little, maybe admonishing himself or maybe something else, I didn’t know because then he kissed me again, and this time, more adamantly.

  His hand fisted in my hair and the hand on my back pulled me tight against him. My hands ran up and over his shoulders and into the short, soft hair at the base of his neck. My heart was pounding as our lips met, and I felt dizzy and disoriented when he pulled back again a moment later.

  I blinked a few times to clear my mind and shakily adjusted my glasses at either side of my head. They hadn’t gotten in the way, but I also felt acutely that the kissing was over too soon and needed something to do with myself. He stepped back, to the other side of the hallway, and then turned to walk into the kitchen. Before I could feel too bewildered, Austin, one of Henry’s friends, came around the corner.

  I had absolutely not heard him come in the house. I wasn’t aware of anything other than fleeting half-thoughts while Jake kissed me.

  “Bathroom this way?” he asked and pointed down the hall.

  “Yep,” I said and moved down the hall toward the kitchen. If Austin noticed my swollen lips and dazed look, he di
dn’t show it.

  Jake’s back was to me where he stood at the sink washing dishes.

  “You kissed me,” I said, resting a hip against the cabinets just inside the doorway, my voice sounding accusatory.

  “I did,” he said, not turning toward me. “And you kissed me back,” he shot over his shoulder, still not looking at me. He set a pan in the drying rack and then faced me where I was leaning back against the counter behind me.

  “That I did,” I said with a little smile, feeling flustered and a little wild. I ran a hand through my hair and smoothed my dress at my hips.

  He nodded, his eyes not leaving mine.

  “Henry suggested you’re interested in me,” I said, finally, after silence had filled the room. I might as well go for it since he had just kissed me. Even if it was purely physical attraction, there was now documented interest.

  He stepped forward but slowed when we heard the bathroom door open down the hall. Austin sauntered back through, stopping by the kitchen. “You guys need any help?”

  “Nope. We’re good,” I said, my smile far too large.

  “Cool. See ya’ll out there,” he said, and then he was gone.

  Jake stayed where he was, his perfect posture and solid frame making him look large in the small kitchen. I swallowed down a wave of nervousness and the very real desire to crush myself against him and kiss him again like a crazed, hormone-fueled maniac.

  But really, please refer to moments ago in the hallway and you’ll see this impulse was justified.

  “Do you think Henry’s right?” he asked, taking a small step closer. I gripped the counter behind me with my hands, watching him move. I imagined he could see my pulse pounding in my neck.

  “Do I think you’re…”

  “Do you think he’s right? I’m interested in you?” His voice was husky and male, and I would have let out an embarrassing groan just listening to him if I hadn’t bit my lip to silence myself.

  I tightened my grip on the counter, watching him take another step toward me. “Yes?”

  “You’re not sure,” he said it with surety, that confidence that permeated everything he did. He seemed frustrated, too. Determined, as always. He took one more step and crowded me, hands on either side of me, resting on the counter next to my own.

  The ability to form words was lost. Really, it was gone a few minutes back, but in this moment, it was absolutely gone. I felt my shoulders rising and falling, felt my lungs filling up and emptying in short little puffs and knew this was what prey must feel like. I could feel the heat of his body, inches from mine, and smell the grill’s smoke on his clothes.

  “You’re not sure if I’m interested, Elizabeth? Is that what you’re saying?” His voice was low and rough and he spoke into my ear, his breath and lips grazing the sensitive skin and cartilage there, my scalp tightening with the small hairs standing on end at my neck.

  I nodded my head slowly and swallowed. He brought one hand to my neck, his palm splayed over my throat and the heel of his hand rested at my collar bone. He let two fingers rest where my pulse hammered in my artery, and I saw his mouth tilt up on one side.

  The look he gave me then was one I would think about for… a while to come. His brown eyes looked deeper, darker. In the back of my mind I heard the sliding door slip open, that flush of little bristles on the metal track at the ground, and I cursed the person coming in for interrupting.

  I knew Jake heard it too because his eyes flickered up, then right back to me, and then he leaned down and pressed a searing, quick kiss to my lips. He pulled back, just barely, and his eyes were still pools of dark coffee swirling in front of me.

  “He’s very right,” he said, only loud enough for me to hear, and then stepped away as Julia, one of Henry’s Nashville friends, popped in to grab another trash bag.

  “We’re cleaning up a bit. We’ve got to get on the road soon,” she said, and as she took a bag from Jake, I slipped out of the kitchen, through the living room, and burst out the door, ready for fresh air.

  I grabbed a bottle of water from the drink table as I walked past the small groups of people still chatting and stood at the edge of the patio where darkness swamped the little party. It’d gotten dark since I’d gone inside. I stood with my back to the patio, looking out at the clear, dark sky and the tiny stars visible over the lights of this little suburbia. I felt my pulse still beating wildly, and my hands shook a little as I took a drink of water.

  “I told you.” His voice startled me, and I turned back toward the party to see Henry standing there with a smug look on his face. “I was right, wasn’t I?”

  “Seems like it,” I said and took another swig of water.

  “I’m always right about Prince William,” he said, then winked at me and walked back to a small group getting ready to leave.

  Jake stepped outside and walked straight to me. This man had a way of making me feel like he was locked in on me and I was his target. He zeroed in and there was no escaping. I’d end up with a heart disorder from the consistent sprint-like cardio I was getting just from being near him.

  “Are you heading home?” he asked and was looking at my face, but I let my eyes wander around the scene of people. A few lingered by the food table crunching on the last vestiges of chips and salsa. Others were talking and hugging Henry goodbye.

  “Yeah, I thought it might be time,” I said, glancing at him, and then giving Henry a wave. He wandered over.

  “Thanks for coming, Ellie. So good to see you.” He hugged me. “I’ll see you before I leave, right?” Jake stood to my right.

  “Of course,” I said and patted his shoulder.

  “I’ll walk you back,” Jake said and brought his hand to my waist.

  He slid his hand on my mid-back, ran it over my hair, and then let it come to rest on my hip opposite him. We were now shoulder to shoulder and hip to hip. It was a surprisingly possessive touch, and I swallowed hard.

  As we plodded along nearly step for step with each other, my stride stretching to match his, the mariachi music faded and the only sounds I could hear were our feet brushing in the grass.

  “I’m glad you came tonight,” he said, and I felt, more than saw, him looking at me.

  “I am too,” I said, and then we came in view of my patio and he slowed our pace, letting go of me. “Well, thanks for walking me—”

  “Have dinner with me tomorrow?” It was technically a question, but it felt more like an inevitability after the night we’d had. The way he phrased it, with that barest hint of a turn up to intone his question, was more like a statement. Apparently, Jake was bossy in all realms of his life. Go figure.

  “Are you asking me? Sort of feels like you’re telling me, Sergeant.” I grinned at him and watched a smile flit across his face shadowed under my dim patio light.

  “I wouldn’t dare, Doctor. It’s a request. If you need it in writing, I’m happy to comply.” His low voice and his flirting and his general presence in front of me, spaced close enough to keep my heart racing even though he wasn’t touching me, would be the death of me.

  “I’m not sure that’s necessary,” I said, charmed.

  “Good. Then I’ll see you tomorrow. Six?”

  “See you then,” I said, unlocking my patio door.

  “Goodnight, Elizabeth,” he said and watched as I slid the door open and went inside. I closed the door, and he still stood there, watching. I made an exaggerated gesture to show him I was locking the door, and he gave me a little nod and was gone.

  While changing into pajamas and washing my face, I didn’t let myself think through what had happened. I texted Alex, of course, to tell her Jake kissed me. About two minutes after I sent the text, my phone rang.

  “Yes?”

  “I knew it. I told you! How was it?” Her voice was ecstatic, and I could hear she was bouncing around, wherever she was, and smiling wildly.

  “Yes, you did tell me. And it was… intense,” I said, still trying to figure out the right word.


  “Intense? Like… intense good, right?”

  “Yes. I think so,” I said truthfully.

  “Wow, so this was not like an automatically good thing for you? I thought you’d be excited. Plus, this wasn’t totally out of nowhere, right? You guys see each other all the time?”

  “You’re right. We see each other pretty regularly, and he has been friendly and a little affectionate the last few times I’ve seen him, which is certainly different from the first few months I knew him. I just…” I had no idea how to verbalize what I was feeling.

  “Wait, do you not like him?” Alex sounded shocked. She knew me well, and knew I was interested in Jake, or at the very least attracted to him from essentially the first encounter, at least everything after the plane.

  Well, and the one after I accused him of being a violent barbarian.

  “I think that’s the problem. I do like him. A lot. Like… a lot, a lot.”

  “Why is this a problem? He kissed you!”

  “I know, but… I happen to know he doesn’t want anything long term. He asked me to go to dinner tomorrow, but that could be another family dinner with his brother. I don’t know.”

  “How do you know he’s not interested in long term?”

  “I’ve heard him say two very specific things. One, marriage and kids are quote ‘not in the cards’ for him, and two, he doesn’t date. Knowing those things, wouldn’t I be one of those women who assumes her upfront love interest will change because of her and then is brutally surprised when, in fact, that same man has been totally honest about who he is and what he wants?”

  “He said those things to you?”

  “No, we’ve never talked about that kind of stuff. He said the first thing to me, about marriage, but that was on the plane, before we knew each other. I don’t know…” I sighed and climbed into bed. I’d finally told her weeks ago about meeting him on the plane. She’d claimed his ability to endure me during a flight meant we were destined to be together, and then we’d laughed about it. This was before I’d developed feelings for him, and long before he’d ever expressed any interest in me beyond professional collaboration.